News On The Go

March 8, 2018

New York Times Reports Gary Cohn Out
After claiming for the last fourteen months that economic advisor Gary Cohn was about to leave the White House, Mr. Cohn announced his resignation. Having finally got the story right, the Times next plans to claim that Christmas is about to happen tomorrow.

Hatch Act Dissed
Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway was accused by the Office of Special Counsel of violating the Hatch Act, the first person so charged since President Obama’s HUD secretary in 2016. The Hatch Act bans members of the White House from breeding poultry in the West Wing.

The Special Counsel is expected to formally present his proclamation to the president accompanied by the Office of Special Guards while wearing his sash, fur robe and gold crown.

White House Takes Aim Against Flying Doohickeys
The Department of Homeland Security is working on a bill to regulate hostile drones. The bill targets anyone who speaks in public for prolonged periods of time in a dull or grating monotone. Critics worry this will decimate the staff at NPR.

Moon Calls
German carrier Vodaphone announced they would provide 4G network connectivity on the Moon. However, many popular calling plans would not be available, such as “Geh irgendwohin” and “Freunde und Familie.” Vodaphone received a congratulatory call on their project from Angela Merkel of the future. There, she serves her 100th consecutive term as German chancellor and made the call from a phone embedded in her cybernetic shoulders.

The News for Astronauts
The FAA passed a rule making it illegal for astronauts to text while flying. Texting incidents resulted in zero accidents so far in 2017. Acting FAA administrator Daniel Elwell stressed, “We can do better than that.”

If you have a lead on someone who actually watched the Oscars, call Boardman’s tipline. All calls are confidential, more or less. Surcharges may apply. You may also be signed up for a Shave Club membership.


May 24, 2017

National News in briefs

Netflix Airs
Netflix recently revealed they will err a prequel to The Dark Crystal called, “The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance.”

In a press conference today, executives worried that people wouldn’t get the political message. so they announced they would retitle it, “The Dark Crystal: This Is About How Trump And His Supporters Are Evil.”

Trump vs. Comey
The Washington Post reported that an anonymous source who spoke to an anonymous source who had listened in on a conversation through a glass on the wall of the White House told them that President Trump said the fired FBI director James Comey’s “elevator didn’t go all the way to the top.”

Later it was learned that this was not an insult but an observation of the broken elevator in the hotel Comey was staying in.

Much later it was learned the entire story was made up. The paper issued an apology saying, “The Post is sorry, but it is our policy to stand by all made-up stories.”

Trump Makes Progress on Saudi Trip
In fact, he made it all the way to Saudi Arabia. There he, his administration and executives from key American companies concluded defense pacts and military sales with the Saudi king. The CEO of 7-11 was also on hand to fix the royal Slurpee machine.

His later speech to fifty Muslim leaders was well received. After the event, Arab leaders spoke in an excited tones as they drove off in their bulletproof camels.

During the trip, the president and his entourage were treated to local entertainment, including a tour of a prominent museum, a traditional Saudi war dance and a game of “Guess what’s under my robe.”

Later, Trump and the king indulged in their favorite pastime — jumping naked into a fifty-foot high pile of money.

December 8, 2016


Presidential Election Recount Question


Jill Stein was asked at a recent press conference about her push for recounts only in states that might help Hillary Clinton. But instead, she answered a question about why she accepted over $6 million dollars from Clinton campaign backers for recounts that only cost $4 million. “Rest assured, all of that money will be used for the recount,” she replied. Then she jetted off to take a holiday off the coast of the U.S. Virgin Islands on her luxury yacht, the U.S.S. Recount.

Jerry Arrested for Attempted Catslaughter


Jerry the mouse of “Tom and Jerry” fame was taken into custody yesterday when he hit his cartoon partner Tom with a giant mallet, resulting in serious injury. A senior police spokesman said that the mouse is used to harming Tom, but this time the cat did not bounce back. Doctors at St. Francis in Hartford say that with rehabilitation, Tom will soon be back on his feet, but his head may be permanently flattened. If convicted, Jerry faces up to 6 years in prison or 3 years with time off for good behavior — even less if his behavior is especially hilarious.

Nutcracker Ballet Canceled


Las Vegas magician Criss Angel will replace the Nutmeg Ballet’s performance of “The Nutcracker” for The Bushnell due to the mysterious disappearance of the ballet troupe. Angel said he always wanted to perform at The Bushnell and was thrilled an opening suddenly occurred in their schedule. As luck had it, Angel was in Hartford at the time, holding a cape in front of the troupe moments before they vanished.

Bristol Press Announces Holiday Edition


The Bristol Press plans to publish a special holiday edition, “Violence of the Holidays,” about murder and mayhem from Christmases past. Deluxe versions will be available for sale as gifts. These versions will include white chalk, spent shell casings, fake blood and orange marker flags to help any child turn their own living room into a crime scene worthy of a Bristol Press cover story. The edition will be timed to coincide with the next exciting murder in the tri-state area.