New York Times Reports Gary Cohn Out
After claiming for the last fourteen months that economic advisor Gary Cohn was about to leave the White House, Mr. Cohn announced his resignation. Having finally got the story right, the Times next plans to claim that Christmas is about to happen tomorrow.
Hatch Act Dissed
Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway was accused by the Office of Special Counsel of violating the Hatch Act, the first person so charged since President Obama’s HUD secretary in 2016. The Hatch Act bans members of the White House from breeding poultry in the West Wing.
The Special Counsel is expected to formally present his proclamation to the president accompanied by the Office of Special Guards while wearing his sash, fur robe and gold crown.
White House Takes Aim Against Flying Doohickeys
The Department of Homeland Security is working on a bill to regulate hostile drones. The bill targets anyone who speaks in public for prolonged periods of time in a dull or grating monotone. Critics worry this will decimate the staff at NPR.
German carrier Vodaphone announced they would provide 4G network connectivity on the Moon. However, many popular calling plans would not be available, such as “Geh irgendwohin” and “Freunde und Familie.” Vodaphone received a congratulatory call on their project from Angela Merkel of the future. There, she serves her 100th consecutive term as German chancellor and made the call from a phone embedded in her cybernetic shoulders.
The News for Astronauts
The FAA passed a rule making it illegal for astronauts to text while flying. Texting incidents resulted in zero accidents so far in 2017. Acting FAA administrator Daniel Elwell stressed, “We can do better than that.”
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