News On The Go

March 8, 2018

New York Times Reports Gary Cohn Out
After claiming for the last fourteen months that economic advisor Gary Cohn was about to leave the White House, Mr. Cohn announced his resignation. Having finally got the story right, the Times next plans to claim that Christmas is about to happen tomorrow.

Hatch Act Dissed
Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway was accused by the Office of Special Counsel of violating the Hatch Act, the first person so charged since President Obama’s HUD secretary in 2016. The Hatch Act bans members of the White House from breeding poultry in the West Wing.

The Special Counsel is expected to formally present his proclamation to the president accompanied by the Office of Special Guards while wearing his sash, fur robe and gold crown.

White House Takes Aim Against Flying Doohickeys
The Department of Homeland Security is working on a bill to regulate hostile drones. The bill targets anyone who speaks in public for prolonged periods of time in a dull or grating monotone. Critics worry this will decimate the staff at NPR.

Moon Calls
German carrier Vodaphone announced they would provide 4G network connectivity on the Moon. However, many popular calling plans would not be available, such as “Geh irgendwohin” and “Freunde und Familie.” Vodaphone received a congratulatory call on their project from Angela Merkel of the future. There, she serves her 100th consecutive term as German chancellor and made the call from a phone embedded in her cybernetic shoulders.

The News for Astronauts
The FAA passed a rule making it illegal for astronauts to text while flying. Texting incidents resulted in zero accidents so far in 2017. Acting FAA administrator Daniel Elwell stressed, “We can do better than that.”

If you have a lead on someone who actually watched the Oscars, call Boardman’s tipline. All calls are confidential, more or less. Surcharges may apply. You may also be signed up for a Shave Club membership.

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Coup d’état Canceled Due to Snowstorm

January 4, 2018

The coup d’état planned by Bristol Republicans to topple the mayor and the City Council Thursday morning, after only two months on the job, was canceled due to a significant snowstorm forecast for the area.

Snowfall is expected to begin shortly before sunrise with blizzard conditions reached later in the day. Consequently, everyone involved with the coup is to stay home. “With snow coming down at rates in excess of three to four inches per hour at points, and winds reaching as much at 60 miles per hour and white out conditions predicted, it will be difficult to overthrow the municipal government today,” the coup leaders said in a statement.

The coup d’état will not however, be rescheduled or carried out Friday because the element of surprise is gone, and the military junta they wanted to install has a doctor’s appointment scheduled for noon.

Coup members are instructed to continue about their lives.


From the Forestville….

April 12, 2016

Newsdesk 01

Hello everyone,

Here are the stories coming in to the Forestville NewsDesk at this hour.

Hey Forestville Republicans Two Weeks to go to Choose Your Demagogue!

Trump Cruz

Only two weeks remain until republicans choose their demagogue! Are you registered to vote? Have you weighed the negatives versus the negatives?

One wants to build a wall the other wants to patrol neighborhoods. Who to pick, who to pick?

April 26 is primary day in Connecticut!

Forestville Democrats Make Plans to Live Completely Under Republican Rule

Town democrats fear they will lose more elections this fall and are preparing for the potential impact. Consequently they are conducting seminars once a month at the Forestville Social Club to reduce the stress and are telling rank and file democrats:

Remain calm
Call family members
Check on neighbors especially the elderly

More later on this story.

Divided Lane to End Residents Rejoice

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Late last week several residents came out in support for ending the divided lanes on Memorial Boulevard. They told city councilors the decision to go to one lane is closing the book on an era of discrimination, “Why should slow drivers be forced to drive in their own lane? Now we are all being treated the same,” said Missy Bettins.

Supporters of Legislative Candidate Deny He is a Whiner

Peter Del Mastro, a Republican candidate for the 79th District seat in the Connecticut General Assembly, was accused of being a whiner in the Letters to the Editor section of a local newspaper. A charge his supporters deny. “Yes he habitually gripes about the democrats, bemoans their policies, grumbles about their ineptitude and moans about them personally but in no way shape or form is he a whiner,” complained Latham Eikel, a Del Mastro supporter.

Legendary Local Garage Band Breaks up Before First Rehearsal

Wet Floor 01

Wet Floor, a Forestville based garage band, has broken up. Stating “creative differences” the band ceased operations prior to their first rehearsal. “We met on Monday, formed the band on Tuesday and broke up on Wednesday,” remarked a disgruntled Ryan Campanella, the lead singer. “It’s the end of an era but we had to break up because we were a spent force creatively.”


From the Forestville….

April 2, 2016

Newsdesk 01

Hello everyone,

Here are the stories coming in to the Forestville NewsDesk at this hour.

Dan Shaughnessy Says Mayor’s Record Easy to Beat

UConn Huskies 02

Boston reporter Dan Shaughnessy whose tweet that the UConn women’s team is so good, they’re bad for the women’s game, came out with a new tweet confirming that the mayor of Bristol/Forestville is not bad for mayors.

When reached to elaborate, Shaughnessy said, “There’s no doubt the mayor has not ruined the office of mayor for other mayors. His record is easy to beat.”

Bristol/Forestville City Council Votes to Erect Monument to the Unknown Politician

The City Council wants to erect a monument called “The Monument to the Unknown Politician” on the grounds of city hall.

However, while the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has the United States Army guarding it 24 hours a day, the council has been unable to get any law enforcement, citizens’ or groups interested in guarding The Monument to the Unknown Politician.

Public Invited to Shoot Hoops With Local Legislators, Town Kooks Expected to Show Up Instead

DSCN6755

The triplets of State Senator Henri Martin and Representatives Whit Betts and Cara Pavalock will shoot hoops Saturday afternoon from 1PM to 2PM at the Rockwell Park basketball courts.

Disgruntled residents with an agenda, who always attend such events, will once again have an opportunity to meet the legislators, as they bash and blame everything democrat and knock down threes and hit fade away jumpers.

The triplets, all republicans, said no democrats are expected to show up because democrats believe competitive sports ruins self-esteem.

Gatorade will be provided sans the usual coffee.


March 19, 2016

Newsdesk 01

From the Forestville NewsDesk.

Dateline Saturday March 19, 2016. Alan Boardman reporting.

Fortune Teller

Fortune

Forestville resident Mora Casabian recently canceled her subscription to Fortune Teller Magazine, complaining to friends she said, “It reads me while I read it.”

Suspicious

Recently, a suspicious looking car drove down a suspicious looking road and passed a suspicious-looking person in a highly suspicious section of Forestville, police said late Friday.

The car drove off, the person walked away but the road remains at large. Apparently no one was hurt during the incident.

Unknown Relic Remains Safely Unknown

Uknown

An unknown historic relic that has gone undiscovered remains unknown and undiscovered, according to Forestville historian Elgin Plinth.

Mr. Plinth speaking at the Forestville Historical Society intimated that he does not know what the artifact is or where it is, but he is close to finding it.

Woman Dissatisfied with Book

Sketch

Libby Baggins visited Borders and purchased a book called Sketchbook and was disappointed. “I thought it would contain famous sketches and drawings, but when I brought it home and opened it I discovered that every page was completely blank. Who sells a book with blank pages?” she asked.

Correction to the article, Unknown Relic Remains Safely Undiscovered:

It was stated that Mr. Plinth did not know where the artifact is, but he plans on finding it soon.

This should be corrected to read:
A man in Plainville did find the relic and Mr. Plinth plans on stealing it from him soon.

Moreover, the statement:
An unknown historic relic that has gone undiscovered…
Should be changed to:
An unknown relic that has absolutely no historical significance has gone undiscovered due to lack of interest by archaeologists…

Speed of Sound

speed of sound

Lastly, I am not sure I like the idea of these hypersonic passenger jets they are developing. How do you carry on a conversation when traveling faster than the speed of sound?

Later…


February 16, 2016

From the news 01

From the Forestville NewsDesk.

Dateline Tuesday February 16, 2016.

Discussion Continues With No End in Sight

City leaders gathered recently to discuss The Mum Festival and it’s not going well. Said one participant, “It started out as a discussion then it became a talk then a dialogue followed by a debate and then back to a discussion. I’m not sure what it is now. A confab – maybe? Pow Wow? Quorum? God, let’s not go there! But as long as it’s not groupthink. Please don’t be that.”

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Mailbox Policy

The village of Forestville’s long awaited and highly anticipated policy regarding mailboxes was finally issued after 203 years.

According to the policy put forth, rural mailboxes are not to be too close to the street or too far away from the curb. Nor are they to be too low to the ground or too high above the landscape.

The mailboxes must be in fine working order and have no engineering issues. They can only make environmental noises consistent with a mailbox.

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Dean’s List

Wei Chu

Noted Tiger mom and Forestville resident Ling Chu wants everyone to know that her son Wei did not make the Dean’s list last semester at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology due to poor grades. “If he can’t have the common decency to finish at the top of his class then I am going to let everyone know,” she said.

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New Support Group Forms

Feeling left out, a support group was formed for people not in a support group. “I just wanted something to do on Tuesday nights so here I am,” said Finnegan Omes, a member. Added Maria Malvado, a recent pledge, “I come for the coffee.”

The group meets every 2nd Tuesday of every other third month.

Underground Business Entrepreneurs Banned From Home and Business Expo

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The 31st annual Bristol/Forestville Home and Business Expo is coming up but a drug dealer known on the streets as “Smitty” and Tanya from Downtown, a high end prostitute, were denied booths this year.

“We are being discriminated against just because our businesses are illegal. That is not fair,” Tanya complained.

Organizers confirmed they were not allowed to be exhibitors due to the nature of their business. Smitty said he fails to see the logic in the decision, “We want the opportunity to showcase our businesses and connect with new customers too. What is the crime in that?”