NFL Announces Plans To Increase Viewership

October 15, 2016


Ratings for the NFL are collapsing this year, partly blamed on viewer upset of pregame protests by Colin Kaepernick and other players against the police and the national anthem. Commissioner Roger Goodell aims to change that trend.

In a deal announced today, the NFL will hire Donald Trump to speak at the halftimes for two games leading up to the election, which will be nicknamed, “Trumptimes.” Souvenirs to be sold at the venue include Trump koozies, Trumper stickers and Trumple-head dolls.

The first Trumptime is scheduled for the home game of the San Francisco 49ers. “We’re not endorsing Trump,” Goodell explained. “We’re acknowledging that love or hate him, Trump brings in the ratings.” Additionally, the commissioner noted, the boisterous crowds Trump attracts should fill the seats for the 49ers and make their game sound less like the interior of a library for the deaf.

The NFL considered other plans, such as a traveling “Game of Thrones” tribute. However, that idea was shelved when the mechanical dragon burned the test stadium to the ground. A second idea to hold Burning Man events at halftime was also shelved for the same reason.

What may torpedo the ratings for the first Trumptime game is news that Kaepernick could return to quarterback the 49ers.

Goodell sought to assuage concerns by networks and advertisers by cryptically remarking, “Kaepernick will start… assuming he survives the drive to the game.”

NFL Players Speak Out Against Trump

October 12, 2016


Recently, presidential hopeful Donald Trump dismissed his off camera remarks about women 11 years ago as “locker room talk.” Pro football player Malcolm “Hit Man” Holmes is among a chorus of players who disagree.

“I don’t know what locker rooms he’s been in,” said the defensive linemen, best known for a tackle that broke the legs of quarterback Ron Stiles in NFL Week 4. “We’re nice guys on the field and off. When we get back to the lockers, first thing we talk about is how much we respect women and wish our team cheerleaders would respect themselves and put some clothes on.”

Khartoum “Deathmaker” Jaworski, a lineman transitioning from Muslim to Polish Catholic, agreed. “When you see us changing and showering, you’ll hear us discussing Hegel, Nietszche and the impact of the falling pound on U.S. exports to Britain – not sex and what a hottie Tom Brady’s wife is.”

“Sex is the last thing on my mind,” said Holmes. “I keep a picture Kate Upton posing in a bikini in my locker to remind me to try every day to be as smart and wise as she is. It has nothing to do with her perky, heaving breasts and curvy hips. I don’t even notice them.”

“The most raucous we get,” added Jaworski, “is during Tuesday post-practice book club. I’m up to page 238 in ‘The Joy Luck Club.’ I’m anxious to see if Rose becomes the pianist her mother always wanted her to be.”

Are college football bowl games just exhibition games? If so why the big deal?

January 3, 2010

Texas is to play Alabama for the national championship in the Rose Bowl on January 7th.  As a result, are not the other college football bowl games being played merely exhibition games at best?  If so, why all the fuss? 

If the San Diego Chargers play the Philadelphia Eagles in the Super Bowl (my prediction) would anyone watch the Dallas Cowboys play the Cincinnati Bengals the same week in a consolation game?  No.  Why?  It would be an exhibition or rather a scrimmage.  The Cowboys Bengals  game has no impact on anything.  Why is college football any different?

Village Resident does not like waiting rooms

April 24, 2009
Forestville resident Al Tunis will bring electronic game to doctor's office

Forestville resident Al Tunis will bring electronic game to doctor's office

Last year Al Tunis visited the eye doctor for his annual checkup and was disappointed with the waiting room.  “The magazines were all for chicks: People, Soap Opera Digest, and Fashion Trends.  I don’t read that stuff so I just there with a dumb look on my face and my hands folded nicely in my lap.  I hate doing that.  I looked like a dork,” said an angry Tunis.  “It is too hard to have an Automotive Weekly or Maxim Magazine just lying around.” 


Mr. Tunis fears the situation has not changed so he called the office manager and asked if he could bring his old electronic football game with him.  According to Al “It is a two player game played on a metal field (18X12) with miniature plastic players affixed to a magnetic base.  When the players are set up, a thumb switch is activated causing the field to vibrate and the players to move.  The team to score the most points via a touchdown, field goal or safety wins when time expires.”   


The doctor’s office had not responded to his inquiry. 


Dallas Cowboys fans are nuts, leave their greatest game off DVD set

March 2, 2009


Network broadcasts of ten Dallas Cowboys games are now available on DVD from Warner Home Video.  They are as follows: 


Disc 1  01/16/1972     Super Bowl VI Cowboys vs. Dolphins

Disc 2  12/28/1975     The Hail Mary Game Cowboys vs. Vikings

Disc 3  01/15/1978     Super Bowl XII Cowboys vs. Broncos

Disc 4  01/04/1981     NFC Playoff   Cowboys vs. Falcons

Disc 5  01/17/1993     1992 NFC       Championship Game Cowboys vs. 49ers

Disc 6  01/31/1993     Super Bowl XXVII    Cowboys vs. Bills

Disc 7  01/23/1994     1993 NFC Championship Game Cowboys vs. 49ers

Disc 8  01/31/1994     Super Bowl XXVIII Cowboys vs. Bills

Disc 9  01/14/1996     1995 NFC Championship Game Cowboys vs. Packers

Disc 10 01/28/1996     Super Bowl XXX Cowboys vs. Steelers


I just received the ten disc set and I am disappointed to discover a notable omission, the 1972 NFC Divisional Playoff Game versus the San Francisco 49ers.  The fans chose five of these games through a voting process and it makes me wonder:  Are these people insane?  This was the best comeback in Cowboys playoff history.  Better than the 81 Falcons game.  Way better than the Hail Mary Game. 


It was Saturday December 23rd 1972, and the Cowboys traveled to Candlestick Park to play the Western Division Champion 49ers.  Sixty one thousand two hundred and fourteen ticket holders traveled to the western shore of San Francisco Bay to see these teams play for the third consecutive year in the playoffs. 


The 49ers raced out to a 28-13 lead so with 1:48 left in the third period, Dallas quarterback Craig Morton was replaced by Super Bowl VI MVP Roger Staubach because Coach Tom Landry felt the team needed a spark. 


Staubach was initially rusty, fumbling once and missing some easy passes.  But a forty eight yard run from scrimmage by Calvin Hill, set up Toni Fritsch’s third field goal of the day, a 27 yard chip shot making the score 28-16, San Francisco. 


Now with a little over two minutes remaining in the game, San Francisco punted and the Cowboys went to work on their own 45.


Roger Staubach, needing two touchdowns to win and calling his own plays in the two minute offense, started the comeback by dumping a pass to running back Walt Garrison.  The fullback was run out of bounds at the San Francisco 47. 



The two minute warning stopped play.


The game resumes and it is second and two.  Staubach looks deep but settles for short yardage and throws to Garrison again.  He runs out of bounds at the 39 yard line.


With a fresh new set out downs, Staubach, who threw only twenty passes in the regular season due to a shoulder injury sustained in the preseason, splits wide receivers Billy Parks left and Bob Hayes right.  The former naval officer fires a ball to Parks for nineteen more yards.  Parks is tackled at the San Francisco 20. 


First and ten with one minute and thirty five seconds remaining, the Cowboys take their second time out.  During the timeout Staubach and Landry talk it over on the sidelines, and feel Parks to the post will be open. 


First and ten, Staubach takes a seven step drop and Parks puts an inside move on corner Bruce Taylor.  The Cowboys signal caller zips a pass by Taylor’s outstretched hands to Parks for a touchdown.  The point after is added 28-23, San Francisco. 


It took four plays and covered 45 yards.


One minute and thirty seconds remain.  Toni Fritsch, an Austrian soccer player and the Cowboys place kicker, squibs an onside kick along the Astroturf.  49ers backup wide receiver and three year veteran Preston Riley moves to his right and cradles the ball, but as he hits the hard turf the ball is squirts out.  Cowboy cornerback Mel Renfro pounces on the loose ball and the Cowboys are back in business.  


From the 50 yard line, the Cowboy quarterback looks downfield but under a heavy rush, he sees an opening and begins to run.  Darting and shoulder juking his way downfield, Staubach finds his way to the San Francisco 29 for a twenty one yard gain. 


With one minute and three seconds remaining the Cowboys use their final time out.


When the Cowboys break the huddle, Parks is split left and Bob Hayes is split right.  Staubach hits Parks again for 19 more yards.  He is run out of bounds by Bruce Taylor stopping the clock. 


First and goal from the San Francisco 10 yard line.


Only fifty seven ticks of the clock remain.  Dallas wide receiver Ron Sellers, acquired from the New England Patriots in a trade earlier in the year, checks in at tight end because Landry wanted more speed on the field due to this being a passing situation.   


The Cowboys are only ten yards away from the go ahead score so the 49ers blitz.  Facing a heavy rush and throwing off his front foot, Staubach finds the 6’4 Florida State graduate Ron Sellers running a hook pattern near the goal line.  Sellers gathers in the ball in front of rookie free safety Windham Hall for a touchdown.  The point after is added.  The Cowboys have their first lead of the day 30-28.  Miraculously in a minute and half, the Cowboys have run seven plays and scored two touchdowns!



Following the kickoff the 49ers eventually reach the Cowboys 39 yard line with seventeen seconds showing on the scoreboard.  However, a holding penalty on tackle Cas Banaszek would bring them all the way back to their own 30.  All that remained was a Charlie Waters interception of a John Brodie desperation throw, and a Cowboys kneel down play. 


Final Score: Dallas 30 San Francisco 28. 


The Cowboys advanced to the NFC Championship Game but were soundly beaten by a great Redskins team 26-3.  But they would be back. 


The 49ers would not be so fortunate.  This was their last good team of the 70s.  They would have to wait nine long years to make the playoffs again.


The 1972 Divisional Playoff game has simply been lost to time.  In all likelihood it does not exist in the CBS Sports archives. 


Attempts to contact the NFL, the NFL Network and CBS have been met with silence. 



                                    1          2          3          4         

Dallas                          3          10        0          17        30

Sand Francisco            7          14        7          0          28


1)      SF        Vic Washington 97 yard kickoff return (Gossett kick)          SF 7-0

1)      Dal      Fritsch 37 yard field goal                                                        SF 7-3

2)      SF        Schreiber 1 yard run (Gossett kick)                                        SF 14-3

SF        Schreiber 1 yard run (Gossett kick)                                        SF 21-3

            Dal      Fritsch 45 yard field goal                                                        SF 21-6

            Dal      Alworth 28 yard pass from Morton (Fritsch kick)                  SF 21-13

3)      SF        Schreiber 1 yard run (Gossett kick)                                        SF 28-13

Dal      Fritsch 27 yard field goal                                                        SF 28-16

4)      Dal      Parks 20 yard pass from Staubach (Fritsch kick)                    SF 28-23

Dal      Sellers 10 yard pass from Staubach (Fritsch kick)                  Dal 30-28


Individual Statistics


Dallas passing

Staubach         12 of 20           174 yards        2 TD    0 INT

Morton            8 of 21             96 yards         1 TD    2 INT


San Fransico passing

Brodie             12 of 22           150 yards        0 TD    2 INT


Dallas Rushing

Hill                              18 carries         125 yards        0 TD

Garrison                      9 carries           15 yards          0 TD


San Francisco Rushing

Schreiber                     26 carries         52 yards          3 TD

V. Washington            10 carries         56 yards          0 TD

Jimmy Thomas            1 carry             3 yards            0 TD


Dallas Receiving

Hill                              1 reception      6 yards             0 TD

Parks                           7 receptions     125 yards        1 TD

Alworth                       2 receptions     50 yards          1 TD

Garrison                      3 receptions     24 yards          0 TD

Sellers                          2 receptions     21 yards         1 TD

Montgomery               2 receptions     19 yards          0 TD

Hayes                          1 reception      13 yards          0 TD

Ditka                           1 reception      9 yards            0 TD

Truax                           1 reception      3 yards           0 TD


San Francisco Receiving

G. Washington            3 receptions     76 yards          0 TD

Schreiber                     3 receptions     20 yards         0 TD

V. Washington            1 reception      8 yards             0 TD

Riley                            4 receptions     41 yards         0 TD

Kwalick                       1 reception      5 yards           0 TD


Team Statistics            Dallas                          San Francisco


First Downs                22                                13

Rushing                       5                                  7

Passing                        15                                6

Offensive Plays           77/402                         59/255

Rushes / yards             31/165                         37/105

Passes / yards              41/20                           22/12

Sacked yards loss        5/33                             0/0

Interceptions / yards   2/12                             2/4

Fumbles / lost              4/3                               5/1

Penalties / yards          3/35                             7/56