ESPN Enlists Local Help In Downsizing

December 3, 2017

Financial woes at ESPN are mounting and cost-cutting is de riguer. After Thanksgiving, the network started to let go 250 employees, including on-air talent, crew and a service dog accused of sexual harassment by a chihuahua who works the lunch counter.

To further reduce overhead, ESPN commercials will be less funny and calls to the new “Golic & Wingo” talk show will be handled by a call center in New Delhi. ESPN studios will also move from Bristol to New York and the local public access channel Nutmeg, where they will start shooting once employees complete Nutmeg’s rigorous camera and production training classes.

A bright spot is that the cost-cutting moves are giving locals an opportunity to hit it big in cable TV.

ESPN spokesman Gerard Dorfer said, “Let’s just say, we saw what Farmington Valley’s public access has to offer and we were impressed.”

For instance, a slide in ratings has the network eying replacing Monday night NFL with less costly reruns of Bristol Eastern High School Lancers wrestling. ESPN is also dropping its “30 for 30” documentary series. In its place will be “Story Corner,” a sports story program “for kids who love faraway castles and dragons that breathe fire made of tangerine marshmallows.” The show’s host is Suzy Wanders, a substitute teacher who sniffs face powder and compulsively draws pictures of her imaginary friend, Princess Gupta. “This is a dream come true,” said Wanders, “as long as Princess Gupta approves.” She added to the air, “Right, your highness?”

“Kvetching with Mrs. Bergstein,” is slated for Tuesdays on ESPN Classic. Boardman reached out to Mrs. Bergstein, but her only comment was, “Oh my God. They put me up against ‘The Voice’. Can you believe it? Worse, my foot hurts and Dr. Wittman is out of town ’til Wednesday and I have this bald spot right above my neck. Can you see it?”

A Nutmeg talk show will debut as well. “What’s Up With That? with Gary Suet” replaces the unpopular “Pardon the Interruption.” Suet, who hosts the show with a hand puppet named, “Base Stealy, The Base-Stealing Squirrel,” relishes the chance to bring his brand of baseball knowledge and plumbing tips to a wider audience.

“I think like, I’m gonna talk about the Yankees and how they’re like this garbage disposal I’m fixing at Mrs. McGuffin’s,” said Suet. “So, uh, I normally get like two callers on a show, right? On ESPN, I’ll probably totally double that.”

“That’s right, man,” chimed in Base Stealy. “Gimme an acorn!”

“We think these shows will be wildly somewhat popular and help our bottom line,” said Dorfer. “By canceling ‘First Take’ alone, the network will save $100,000 a year just on Stephen A.’s wardrobe.”

He added with a nervous laugh, “If this doesn’t work, our parent company Disney says they’ll drop sports altogether and change us to TSC – ‘The Sewing Channel.'”

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Sean Spicer Eyes Move to Federal Hill

October 7, 2017

Following the news that former White House spokesperson Sean Spicer is eying properties in the Federal Hill section of Bristol, The Bristol Federal Hill Association held an emergency meeting late last night.

Many members are in a panic that Mr. Spicer could move into the historic neighborhood. One man, who lives on Oakland Street and wished not to be identified, but his first name is Otto and his last name is Velez, said he does not want Mr. Spicer to live near him. “I am afraid he will yell at me and my little dog FuFu if I ask him a question.”

Fefe DuBoise went further telling Boardman, “He will interrupt the neighborhood’s bucolic splendor with his constant need to argue.”

After failing to land a job at CBS News, CNN, Fox News, ABC News and NBC News as a contributor, Mr. Spicer secured a deal to develop a program with Nutmeg TV, the areas public access station. Boardman has exclusively learned that Sean Spicer’s program will be called Yoga with Sean and will air Wednesday mornings at 6AM.

Sean Spicer is considering a move to the Bristol/Forestville area so he can commute to Nutmeg TV with Bob Boils host of Good Morning Plainville.


MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?

September 28, 2017

“Hoooooly Shit! The City of Bristol has gone collectively insane!” exclaimed Dr. Edward Stouten, a psychologist at Tunxis Community College following the revelations in Bristol’s latest political soap opera.

For the last few weeks there have random apologies, accusations, counter accusations, screen shots, finger pointing, Facebook fights and threats all in the name of politics.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Stouten told Boardman while twirling his right index finger near his head, “This town is cuckoo.”

Dr. Stouten, in a report to The American Psychiatric Association, recommended that the entire City of Bristol be sent to a state mental facility that is fenced with guarded grounds for evaluation, treatment and therapy. “Clinically speaking there are no drugs or medications on God’s green earth that can help some of the politicos or residents. I’m not mentioning names…Amanda Yapes.”

In attempt to capitalize on all the chaos, next month the local public access channel Nutmeg TV will air its new day time drama As Bristol Fades.

Gunner Fenbeck and Brad Blazer, the producers of How to Make Toast and Legislators in Love, promise plenty of plot twists, tawdry secrets and kooky plotlines ripped straight from the hallowed halls of Bristol City Hall in the hour-long drama.

In the first episode, the self-described “man of the people candidate”, Andrew Howe suffering from Stockholm Syndrome is written out of the show as he follows the mayor off a political cliff.

In a weird side plot, the Cicero of the council chambers Calvin Brown blurts out a secret that’s not a secret but is a secret to those that don’t know that it’s a secret. DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!

And finally, a deceased mayor comes back from the dead to haunt the town and run as a third-party candidate in his present reanimated condition. Boo!

As Bristol Fades will air at noon Monday through Friday on Nutmeg TV following a morning of dead air.

The Forestville Fired Department declined to comment about this matter.


Nutmeg TV to Air New Game Show ‘As Politicians Match Wits’

July 5, 2017

This September Nutmeg Community Access TV will debut a new game show called,” As Politicians Match Wits”. Votes and donations are on the line as local politicians compete against one another by answering general knowledge questions such as: What color is the color tan? And, what time is it at 10:30?

The program will be hosted by former TV newsman Tom Monahan because he has his own microphone.

The first episode gets off to a quick start with Andrew Howe and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu squaring off. Outraged by the first question, what day is tomorrow?, Mr. Howe forfeits the game because he felt the question should have gone out to referendum so the public could weigh in. Consequently Ellen plays against herself in what turns out to be a seesaw battle. Tune in to see who wins.

Twelve episodes will air and feature Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley, Greg Hahn, Dave Mills, Eric Carlson, Dave Preleski, Mary Fortier, Anthony D’Amato and Cheryl Thibeault with her impressive resume.

The mayor refused to participate based on the advice of counsel, but Egor his spokesperson will.

Egor

As Politicians Match Wits will air Fridays at 9 p.m. following Nostradamus Knows Best, a sitcom about the everyday troubles faced by the 16th-century French , physician, philosopher and seer.


Greta Out at MSNBC

June 30, 2017

Greta Van Susteren is out after 6 months MSNBC, but she won’t be out of work long.    

Nutmeg TV, the public access provider for Forestville and Bristol, contacted Van Susteren immediately following her dismissal and hired her to host a call-in show called, “The Talk of Bristol.”

According to Nutmeg TV Executive Director Joanie Sutter, “The Talk of Bristol” will broadcast every other Tuesday at 6 p.m., following “Fun With Straws” and prior to “How to Dig a Hole.”

Despite her awards, fame and over 20 years of television experience, Ms. Van Susteren must take Nutmeg TVs production classes to learn how to use their equipment and produce a program before she goes on the air, Sutter proudly revealed. 
 
This is the second coup for the public access station in as many months.  In May they landed Scott Pelley formally anchor and managing editor of the “CBS Evening News.”  Mr. Pelley currently labels and logs tapes in the Nutmeg TV Library because he has not yet completed Nutmeg’s rigorous production classes.

“For The Record with Greta” began airing on MSNBC in January of 2017, and was cancelled due to poor ratings and frizzy hair.


Megyn Kelly Leaving Fox Not Coming to Nutmeg TV

January 3, 2017

megyn-kelly-01

Forestville Public-access television viewers were disappointed to learn Tuesday that Megyn Kelly host of The Kelly Files, on Fox News, will not be leaving Fox for Nutmeg TV as was rumored. Instead she has agreed to a deal with NBC News where she will host an hour-long daytime news show.

This leaves Nutmeg TV in a bit of a programming pinch because they were expecting her to leave Fox and come to Nutmeg, and anchor local political programming shows and host live big-event stories too such as the Mum Festival Parade.

The 46 year old Kelly has been a breakout star since her show debuted in October of 2013. As a result she was hotly pursued by all the major networks including the volunteer community based programmer Nutmeg TV.

Nutmeg reportedly offered her a parking space close to the entrance of their Farmington studios, and agreed to waive the requirement she attend their free classes on how to use the equipment. “How can you say no to that?” wondered Joanie Sutter, Executive Director of Nutmeg TV during negotiations.

After being spurned by Megyn Kelly the Public-access channel has turned their attention to CNN anchors Michael Smerconish, Poppy Harlow and Toby, a cart corral operator at Stop & Shop on Pine Street.


Heeeeere’s Hypodermic Girl!

January 18, 2016

Hyperdermic Girl

Nutmeg TV, a public access TV station serving Forestville and Bristol, will be airing their first locally produced animated series entitled Hypodermic Girl! later this month, according to the show’s producers.

Hypodermic Girl! is a quiet, meek Phlebotomist by day and a crime fighting superhero by night.

She has a multitude of weapons and props at her disposal, including, a tourniquet, cotton swabs and a hypodermic needle helmet, which is used to incapacitate drug lords, drug dealers, corrupt politicians and her defining arch super villain, Vein; a tentacle shaped organism carrying blood to an uncaring and callous heart.

Vein, the Supervillain

Vein, Supervillain

The producers have done other shows for Nutmeg TV including, Program Guide and Off Air. They believe their latest show will be successful, “Everyone is going to love Hypodermic Girl! She is smart, she is sexy and she is good with a needle,” they said in a statement.

The program will air Saturday mornings at 9AM following Boiling Water with Gus.

Following its regional broadcast, Hypodermic Girl! will be syndicated later in the year by The Baumbauer Network.