Changes for the 2017 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 6, 2017

Tomorrow the annual Pequabuck River Duck Race will be held in Forestville. 5,000 rubber ducks will be poured into the river and float downstream with the ticket holders winning prizes.

This year, to add to the excitement, some ducks will explode on contact with other ducks. Fishermen will wait downstream to get the dead fish that surface from the detonations.

Gambling on the ducks will also be legal with an odds maker and bookie from the Pequot tribe officiating.

And to complicate matters more, it will be a relay race. After reaching Nuchie’s the plastic ducks will have to go back up stream. The first to reach Andrews Street will be the winner. Race officials admit that it is going to be a really long day.

While many residents admit they enjoy the festivities and charitable causes many only attend to see the ducks crash or sink.

The Most Spectacular, Death-Defying Crashes in Pequabuck River Duck Race History

Since its humble beginnings there have been many race tragedies. People falling into the river, ducks spontaneously combusting into flames and horrific wrecks. Here are some of the most memorable Pequabuck River Duck Race crashes and moments:

2005
Duck 314 crashes along the river bank and does not complete the race. He was later removed by volunteers and recycled into a boot.

2006
Ducks 619, 714, 1812 and 3976 sink to the bottom of the Pequabuck. To this day they are presumed missing as their whereabouts remains unknown.

2010
Duck W50 was initially declared the winner. However, it was soon discovered that the plastic duck was introduced into the race at the last minute along Broad Street.

2013
In pre-race festivities, Duck 500 was given a river burial for honorable service. His body was laid on its side under the flag of Forestville and rolled over the edge of a plank into the water, along with a rock weight tied to its neck. In the moving ceremony, a lone bugler played, “Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends” as veteran sponsors saluted.

2014
Snipers fire salt rock at the ducks in attempt to influence race results. The snipers linked to the Icelandic State, yelled, “Odin is great!” and tried to make their getaway on a waiting Viking Longship.

The festivities start at 11AM with the race at 2PM.

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Findings of First Major Survey of Forestville Residents in 2017 Released

January 18, 2017

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Jan. 18, 2017, 5:27 AM
Jan. 19, 4714, Year of the Monkey, 6:27 PM (Beijing)
Forestville – A recent poll of Forestville residents on a variety of topics conducted by the consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté produced shocking results.

The opinion poll first found that 9% of people had no opinion. 50% of the 9% felt “mostly upset” when the polling firm made fun of them. And 1% of respondents refused to respond.

70% of respondents that identify themselves as “women” want a sexual relationship with a werewolf. 56% of those said a robot would “do” if a werewolf was busy or unavailable. 20% who identified as robots also wanted a sexual relationship with a werewolf.

60% of respondents want Forestville to have a Fast and Furious Day, where speed limits and driving laws are suspended. “Residents expressed a desire to stare drivers down, rev engines, screech tires and drive fast without worrying about tickets or boy scouts helping elderly women across the street,” said a Landry, Issel and Escalanté spokesman.

The spokesman added, “These results provide us with a picture of the average inhabitant of Forestville. Put together, we conclude they tend to be curiously wacky. We believe it will help market the village to businesses that would fit in like clown colleges or the Willy Wonka chocolate factory which is always on the lookout for new Oompa Loompas.”

Other results that support the pollsters’ conclusions:

97% of Forestville residents identifying as conspiracy theorists believe most consumer products are not manufactured on Earth. They also thought the poll was not compiled on Earth.

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50% of residents identifying as unidentified don’t know the number for 911.

Roughly 20% believe Jimmy Hoffa is buried in the Pequabuck River. 12% of them believe he lies next to pirate gold. 10% further believe the pirate treasure includes the Obamaphone Blackbeard used to prank call English warships.

Almost 90% of Forestville Republicans support repealing and replacing Obamacare. However, only 20% of them support repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act.

Landry but not Issel or Escalanté observed, “When ‘Obamacare’ was referenced, the breathing was heavy and they became verbally abusive. However, when the term ‘Affordable Care Act’ was mentioned instead, breathing was regular and their tone was happy and perky.”

50% of Democrats refused to identify themselves as Democrats to the firm even though Landry, Issel and Escalanté knew they were. 20% even changed their number to stop what 90% termed the firm’s “harassing” phone calls.

The poll consisted of random telephone calls and the margin of error was nearly 100% with a zero level of confidence in any of the answers.

Alternatively, the poll results also suggest the 70% sheepishness of residents makes the village ideal for takeover by any malevolent spirits looking to relocate or mastermind wanting to spread a ‘Resident Evil’-type virus.”


Enthusiasts to Gather for Reenactment of the Flight of Icarus

December 6, 2016

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According to Greek mythology, a young man named Icarus tried to escape the island of Crete with artificial wings made of feathers and wax. Unfortunately Icarus crashed into the sea because he flew too close to the sun, causing his wings to melt. Forestville resident Duncan Sumter will attempt to reenact the flight of Icarus this month at Robertson Airport in Plainville.

Mr. Sumter spent the summer building his wings using osier branches and connected them with wax as described in the historical myth. However, his journey will be a bit different. Mr. Sumter observed, “Flying near the sun will not part of my flight plan.” Indeed he says he picked December in order to completely avoid the sun.

The event is backed by the Plainville Flight Society which was intrigued and skeptical and intrigued by Sumter’s idea; then remorseful. Society member Floyd McEnroe plans to attend but not to see him fly. “The only reason I am going is to watch this guy crash.”

His brother Floyd McEnroe Too remarked, “I want to see this guy flap his arms and try to fly. It will look ridiculous.”

Sumter is unfazed by the doubters. “Once I get above 200 feet, the Bernoulli Effect will take over and keep me airborne indefinitely. I’m even bringing a couple cans of Chef Boyardee with me in case I stay up past lunchtime.”

This is not Sumter’s first foray into simulating historic events. Last year he attempted to replicate Jesus walking on water at the Sea of Galilee using a special pair of snowshoes. However, as soon as he stepped out of his fishing boat, he sank to the bottom of Pine Lake. Later after recovering from his near-drowning, he tried to part the Pequabuck River using a couple of large pieces of wood. Unfortunately, the waters did not divide and Mr. Sumter found himself in Plainville, washed downstream straight into the Noah’s ark replica he was also working on.

Following those debacles he vowed to stay away from all water-based religious reenactments.

Organizers say tickets to see the flight in person are ten dollars unless you sneak in then it is free.


Anti-Drought Protest Erupts in Forestville

November 26, 2016

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Fed up with the recent drought, anti-drought protesters descended on the Pequabuck River early this morning. The boiling point was reached on news that the Pequabuck may be downgraded to a Category 3 stream.

The protesters marched in Moncler and Canada Goose jackets and chanted “We Want Water! We Want Water!” Some chanted, “What do we want? Water! When do we want it? Now!” A few protesters were arrested as they put down their Starbucks lattes to perform a rain dance even though none were an accredited Native American.

Park constable Pat O’Reilly wearing an insulated Dickies jacket with smartly matching flannel slacks said, “We have no problem with the people protesting, but they shouldn’t try and take the weather into their own hands. Forestville is no place for weather vigilantes.”

Water restrictions, only in place since October, have protesters frustrated. “We are tired of having to conserve water. I don’t see fish conserving water. Why us? I want to keep the water running while I brush my teeth,” said demonstrator Simon Gray.

Protesters planned a demonstration at the Polkville Brook too but they could not find it with their GPS. So they protested Google Maps. Constable O’Reilly can be seen at Rockwell Park tomorrow, modeling the latest jacket by Sledmate.

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Question:
What is a drought?

Answer:
A prolonged period where there is a shortage of water.

Similar genres of calamity / disaster: famine, Black Friday at Wal-Mart

The first thing you need to know is that a drought is a lack of water. If you have a lot of water you don’t have a drought.

Question:
What is water?

Answer:
A noun (Middle English / Old English) that came to prominence for representing a clear liquid that forms the seas, lakes, rivers, and rain and is the basis for the building blocks of life and several fantastic TV shows.

Question:
How do you stop a drought?

Answer:
Take water from areas that have water and give it to areas that don’t have water.

Question:
What is responsible for the drought?

Answer:
Droughts are caused by a lack of moisture in the atmosphere due to changes in land and sea surface temperatures. Or when Gaia is mad at us.


Local Parent Calls Make-A-Wish Foundation A Fraud

October 26, 2016

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Forestville father Jimmy Spivey is angry with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. The foundation which grants the wishes of children with life-threatening medical conditions will not grant his son Jimmy Junior his own wish.

“Who knows how much longer little Jimmy has on this Earth,” said the father of one. “I get him every toy his mind can conceive of, but he always had this one dream — to see the Tall Ships sail past his window up the mighty Pequabuck.”

When asked why the younger Jimmy’s wish was denied, spokesman for the agency Todd Lighter pointed out that the Pequabuck is not deep enough nor wide enough to hold the high-masted sailing vessels. “Moreover,” he said, “we calculated that we would need to spend $200 billion dollars to dredge a canal from Long Island Sound to Bristol just to sail the boats in.”

When asked if the foundation suggested more reasonable alternative wishes, Mr. Lighter said, “A second problem our organization has is that the younger Spivey is in fact not sick. In fact, he delivered the wish to us in person while jumping on a pogo stick and singing, ‘Happy Days Are Here Again.'”

His father is unswayed. “It’s discrimination because little Jimmy doesn’t fit into their prejudiced view of what illness is. Healthy people are simply differently ill. I’d rather grant him a wish than some whiny attention-seeking brat who lays in a hospital bed all day calling for his doctor. ‘Boo-hoo! Look at me! I’m sick! Get me a photo with Hulk Hogan. Make me king for a day.’ The baby!”

Mr. Spivey continued, “They’re the ‘Make-A-Wish Foundation,’ not the ‘Make-A-Wish-And-We’ll-Grant-It-If-We-Feel-Like-It Foundation.'”

For now, Mr. Spivey has put aside the threat of a lawsuit to take matters into his own hands. He started an online GoFundMe campaign to raise money to make his son’s wish come true.

“So far we raised $500,” he said. “I’m sure that once your big-hearted readers read about little Jimmy’s plight, we will easily get the remaining $199,999,999,500 by lunchtime next Tuesday.”


Kingmakers of Bristol, the Old Biddies of the Bristol Knit Club

August 29, 2016

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The Bristol Knit Club is a group of little old ladies that meets twice a month to knit, crochet, quilt and sip tea. However, unbeknownst to most residents, the geriatric knitters are the Kingmakers of Bristol politics.

Since its inception in the early 1900s, the Bristol Knit Club has been a player in Bristol politics and their blessing is essential for candidates to succeed in local elections.

In a stale, dry, breathless room that smells old, the 12 members congregate once a month. The Bristol biddies knit, carp, pass judgment, share gossip and pretentiously sip their warm tea while they negotiate political nominations by intimidating and strong arming office seekers.

Armed with nothing but yarn, knitting needles and quick wit, the mean old grannies once negotiated the nomination of Joseph Dutton for mayor over a boilerplate candidate in 1916 that later disappeared from the political landscape.

To say candidates are nervous to appear before them is an understatement. Said one former legislative hopeful, “One false move with these gray haired fossils, and you could be found face down in the Pequabuck.”


Pequabuck River Not as Wet as First Thought

July 16, 2016

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Officials with the Department of Environmental Protection have cited the city of Bristol for water in the Pequabuck River not being wet enough.

The EPA met with city officials and explained water and its importance. Based on the meeting and a threat of fines, the city is responding positively with a $12 million-dollar remediation program in which the existing water in the Pequabuck will be replaced by costlier but wetter water from the Connecticut River.

The plan is to first dredge the Pequabuck of all deficient water. Then Connecticut River water purchased from the state will be trucked over, and the dredged water will be safely buried at the City of Bristol Transfer Station.

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Citizens are skeptical about the cost especially given recent budgetary tightening but generally speaking they don’t seem to care.

Additional measures include the use of a synthetic water that looks feels and tastes more like water than water. It is made from non-GMO oxygen and hydrogen in a state supported laboratory.

The latest findings on the Pequabuck by the EPA are based on a recent wetness test. The low wetness readings are thought to be the result of man-made global warming.