Assistant Attorney General Rod Rosenstein Not Moving to Forestville Just Yet

December 6, 2018

Now that he appears to be on secure footing and not on the verge of being fired by the president, Deputy Attorney-General Rod Rosenstein has canceled his house hunting tour of Forestville, according to sources.

The beleaguered Assistant Attorney General, long rumored to be fired by Trump, is keeping his job for now. However, Rosenstein, previously anticipating his dismissal, was actively eying a Cape in the family friendly Pine Lake section of Forestville.

He also scoped out a home near Mountain View School, which featured a car port, and a Colonial in the North End with Lap siding.

Mr. Rosenstein even began integrating himself into the community. Two weeks ago, he purchased a membership to the American Clock & Watch Museum, and just last week he bought a weekend subscription to the Bristol Press.

The Forestville Fire Department had no comment about this story.


Local Man Crosses Street No One Injured

September 18, 2018

Late Tuesday morning Forestville resident Limping Larry successfully crossed Pine Street at the intersection of Pine and Emmett without a hitch.

Using the crosswalk, and, with traffic stopped at the 4 way intersection, Limping Larry carrying a potted plant, one can of paint and a dead fish, limped at a brisk pace and successfully crossed the street and continued on his way. At no time during the crossing did Larry consider aborting or feel he was in danger. Forestville Police said no one was injured during the 20 second crossing.

The encounter is available for purchase via Digital Download, Blu-Ray and DVD on the FPD website, and includes lost footage, story boards, commentary from motorists, survivors and an alternate ending. A Limping Larry documentary called Stop, Look and Listen about his adventures crossing streets is available as well.

Limping Larry’s friend said he is presently home resting and watching Judge Judy.

Another Former Trump Advisor Moving to Forestville

March 15, 2018

Gary Cohn, former chief economic advisor to Trump, has reportedly purchased a property in the village of Forestville just off of Pine Street near Stop & Shop.

The billionaire banker, and one-time Chief Operating Officer at Goldman Sachs, is looking for a drastic change so he settled on a three-bedroom and 1.1 bath Cape in the ville. The home includes a delightful 2 car detached garage and new windows.

Mr. Cohn in an effort to fit-in with locals purchased season tickets to the Bristol Blues for the upcoming season, and will volunteer at Forestville Little League in the Snack Shack.

Some Little League volunteers are not happy with their new volunteer though. “He might know how to operate the world’s economy and be a big shot on Wall Street, but what does he know about selling hamburgers and Kool-Pops?” remarked Denny Dillon, a Little League volunteer. “The Snack Shack is a cash business fraught with staffing, inventory and money issues.”

A spokesperson for Mr. Cohn said he will work in the shack on Tuesdays and Saturday mornings, but he will not umpire or coach or work on the fields.

Enthusiasts to Gather for Reenactment of the Flight of Icarus

December 6, 2016


According to Greek mythology, a young man named Icarus tried to escape the island of Crete with artificial wings made of feathers and wax. Unfortunately Icarus crashed into the sea because he flew too close to the sun, causing his wings to melt. Forestville resident Duncan Sumter will attempt to reenact the flight of Icarus this month at Robertson Airport in Plainville.

Mr. Sumter spent the summer building his wings using osier branches and connected them with wax as described in the historical myth. However, his journey will be a bit different. Mr. Sumter observed, “Flying near the sun will not part of my flight plan.” Indeed he says he picked December in order to completely avoid the sun.

The event is backed by the Plainville Flight Society which was intrigued and skeptical and intrigued by Sumter’s idea; then remorseful. Society member Floyd McEnroe plans to attend but not to see him fly. “The only reason I am going is to watch this guy crash.”

His brother Floyd McEnroe Too remarked, “I want to see this guy flap his arms and try to fly. It will look ridiculous.”

Sumter is unfazed by the doubters. “Once I get above 200 feet, the Bernoulli Effect will take over and keep me airborne indefinitely. I’m even bringing a couple cans of Chef Boyardee with me in case I stay up past lunchtime.”

This is not Sumter’s first foray into simulating historic events. Last year he attempted to replicate Jesus walking on water at the Sea of Galilee using a special pair of snowshoes. However, as soon as he stepped out of his fishing boat, he sank to the bottom of Pine Lake. Later after recovering from his near-drowning, he tried to part the Pequabuck River using a couple of large pieces of wood. Unfortunately, the waters did not divide and Mr. Sumter found himself in Plainville, washed downstream straight into the Noah’s ark replica he was also working on.

Following those debacles he vowed to stay away from all water-based religious reenactments.

Organizers say tickets to see the flight in person are ten dollars unless you sneak in then it is free.

More Trouble for Forestville’s Jellybean

March 9, 2011

Pine Lake Jellybean's last known whereabouts

Forestville’s favorite son has more problems.

According to sources about sunset last Friday, the man known only as “Jellybean” turned off of Pine Street and drove his road weary min-van to the home of his boss and employer Solomon Weeks.

Weeks rarely permits visitors to his modest home which is built in the shadows of the ESPN campus just off Birch street, but by 7PM, he had a full house of co-workers including Dan Blazjowski celebrating a new large snow plowing and landscaping contract.

Jellybean entered Solomon’s living room and after acknowledging the gathered guests he picked up the guitar that was on display above the fireplace.  Unable to find the sound he was looking he dropped the autographed six string Fender on the floor, and went to the kitchen in search of a drink.

Jellybean opened various beverages and drank from each one until he found a suitable cocktail.

Leaving the opened containers behind, he then took a bath and returned to the kitchen wearing just a bandanna around his head.

“Hey Blaz,” Jellybean eagerly said acknowledging his snow plowing partner. Grabbing Blazjowski affectionately Jellybean said it was good to see him but did he have any beer.  Blazjowski motioned with his head to the garage. Raising an eyebrow Jellybean darted to the garage to find an ale of his liking.

“I can’t believe it,” Solomon Weeks said to Blazjowski near the foyer. “Jelly came by just after Jeopardy and he’s been on fire since he got here.”

After returning from the garage and playing an impassioned game of Pictionary with Al Tunis, Bob Kneeper and several others, Jellybean began making long distance phone calls from the Week’s land line and ordered pizzas from several area establishments because he, Tunis and Kneeper were hungry.

After the pizzas arrived and Jellybean could not find anything suitable to drink he left the party.  He was last seen parked near Pine Lake early Saturday morning but has not been seensince.



Forestville is thankful

November 24, 2010

Forestville Thanksgiving

Forestville is thankful for the Forestville Cemetery because we have a place to bury our dead.

Forestville is thankful for O’Brien Funeral Home which buries our dead.

Forestville is thankful for the dumpster behind Cumberland Farms because it is a good place to bring garbage when you can’t get to the dump.

Forestville is thankful for our railroad tracks which give our teenagers somewhere to go on Saturday nights.

Living on Forestville time

Forestville is thankful for the clock in Central Square which allows us to live on Forestville time.

Forestville is thankful for Route 72, without it we would be a village without a road.

Forestville is also thankful for Pine Lake and the scenery it provides, and the post office for our mail.

Welcome to Forestville

Forestville is thankful for the Forestville Village Association and the wonderful events they sponsor.

Forestville is thankful to Forestville Little League for providing a venue for our kids to play baseball.

Lastly, Forestville is thankful for Manross Library, the Pequabuck River and the fact that we are not part of Plainville.


Forestville’s new attraction

June 21, 2010

Pond at the end of Route 72 looking north

At the west end of the still incomplete Route 72 extension lays Forestville’s newest attraction, a drainage pond.  The body of standing water, filled with mosquitoes, algae, dead trees, and debris from the construction, was created as drainage catch for Pine Lake and the water issues raised as a result of the new construction.

Pond looking northwest

Local government officials do not know if the unnamed pond is a temporary structure or if Forestville residents will be able to enjoy it for decades to come.