Remember Sebastian Gorka? Try Not to Gasp When You See Him Now!

August 27, 2017

Sebastian Gorka, a fiery counterterrorism guru, no longer works at the White House but he wasn’t fired, or dismissed nor did he resign – he just no longer works there.  According to sources he will most likely take a job with Breitbart News. 

During his tenure at the White House no one knew what his duties were other than to look like someone that would be named Sebastian Gorka.  Those duties will continue at Breitbart.

Sebastian Gorka Gets a Jaw-Dropping Credit Card With a 0% APR Until October 2018

His parting gifts from the Trump administration include a Discover it® – Cashback Match™ card. 

Sebastian Gorka qualified for the card because he has average to excellent credit, which is usually a credit score of 670 or higher. He was thrilled to learn that there are Card perks such as free TransUnion FICO® Score on his monthly statement and lots of fine print that he will never read.

How is Sebastian Gorka Responding to Taylor Swift’s New Song?

Now that Sebastian Gorka is out of a job and away from the White House, one thing everyone wants to know is: What does Sebastian Gorka think of Taylor Swift’s new single? 

Many believed Sebastian Gorka would throw some shade on the tune and say it was “fake” written by “extremists” because he says that about everything. But so far he has remained silent. Associates say Sebastian Gorka has remained silent because….

Connecticut Homeowners Born Before 1985 Get a Big Surprise

Sebastian Gorka was born in October of 1970 so he qualifies for the Home Affordable Refinance Program, which typically saves $4,140 homeowners a year.

Due to his cool new credit card and the new Taylor Swift tune in his head and the money he is saving, Sebastian Gorka will sleep well because…

It is Time For a New Pillow!

Sebastian Gorka deserves to sleep better at night, and there is no easier way than with a Sleepgram pillow.

The Sleepgram Pillow is a revolutionary pillow because not only is it the only pillow on the market that is delivered in a shipping crate, but it is the only pillow on the market that can be folded into thirds.

And this is fantastic news for Sebastian Gorka because…

Advertisements

Fun Has No Place In Tillerson State Department

August 8, 2017

State Department Secretary Rex Tillerson announced that as part of budget-cutting, fun stuff will no longer be permitted. For instance, the department will no longer have a standing order Hasbro Leaders-Of-The-World® bobble-head dolls for new employees. Even worse, major cuts are expected at the information and amusement park, State Departmentland.

Visitors negotiating entry will be disappointed by the lack of implementation of the “It’s a Small World” boat ride, Mr. Kerry’s Moderately Tepid Ride and Strategic Patience Mountain, where people wait for hours in cars on a rollercoaster for the ride to start. The animatronic Hall of State Department Persons will be closed, as well as the popular live shows, “State Department Musical” and “Seward’s Follies.” However, Sanctions Cafe and Protocol Island will still be open for the cautiously “adventurous.” And as always, guests can get a U.N. resolution named after a loved one for a nominal fee.

Across Compliance Square where a man dressed in a Hans Blix costume checks visitors’ bags for WMDs, the Henry Kissinger Theater is suspending hourly showings of “State Department of the Future.” The film shot in glorious 2D depicts how advances in jargon and red tape will complicate diplomacy in exciting new ways. It also previews the use of “space shuttle diplomacy.”

Despite these changes, holders of season passes will not be eligible for refunds. The Washington Post says women and minorities will be hurt the most. Women and Minorities Magazine says children and puppies will be hurt more. Tillerson could not be reached for comment as to why he hates children and puppies.

Less Money For Treasury?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin is contemplating similar belt-tightening moves. One possible change is an end to the policy of free banknotes to visitors.

Cuts are further projected in the number of engravers, which will result in bills having fewer serial numbers. The expensive ink used to print them will be replaced by green Sharpies and the portraits of the presidents will be substituted with easier-to-draw stick figures.


Alan – Please add a headline before you publish this; Also, your mom called about your toe fungus

August 7, 2017

Making good on a promise to “lean in” the State Department, Secretary Rex Tillerson is cutting bureaucrats, bureaus and other desks. Agencies closing include the Global Justice Bureau, the Refugee Office, the Flavors of the World Office, the Cyber Office, the War Crimes Office and the Sexy, Sexy Crimes Office headed by Seth MacFarlane.

Estimates are that 2,300 staff, two porn stars and one voiceover artist will be let go. Even the department’s gold-encrusted wine cellar will be sold off, including an 1870 Chateau Margaux John Kerry ordered to celebrate the success of President Obama’s red line in Syria.

The cuts have already had severe consequences, affecting everything from the dinner plans of Soros and the Rothschilds to the price of tuxedos, vark and foie gras. A long-faced minister for Bali said, “How will we manage if U.S. officials no longer come here to meet foreign officials and prostitutes on the beach?”

The cutbacks will also affect small countries like Andorra. There, U.S. consulate dinner parties represent the largest part of the economy, after money laundering.

Worse, State now lacks enough people to defend their softball title at the World Summit of Countries That Begin with the Letter U, held this year at the Uyut hotel in Urgut, Uzbekistan. Even the department mascot, Statey The Owl, will not be flown over to tweet them on.

The spokesman at the State Department could not be reached for comment as she had just been let go. However, a security guard there said, “Please move along.”


Boardman Attended Trump Jr Meeting With Russians

July 21, 2017

All the Presidents Men

Every day the guest list at Donald Trump Jr’s., meeting from last summer with Russian officials connected to the Kremlin, who promised damaging information about Hillary Clinton, continues to grow.

Therefore, in the interest of full disclosure, Boardman is prepared to disclose that a Boardman representative attended the meeting as well.

Who attended the meeting?

The meeting included the then-campaign manager Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, Rob Goldstone and a bunch of Russians who were really annoying because their names were difficult if not impossible to pronounce.

How did Boardman get invited?

Boardman attended the meeting at the behest of Mr. Manafort who is a regular reader of the Boardman site and interested in all things Forestville.

What was discussed?

It was difficult to understand what was discussed because everyone was speaking Russian.

What did Boardman do at the meeting?

During the meeting Boardman sampled the Russian tea cakes, which were readily available, the Russian vodka that was offered by Mr. Manafort and the Borscht that was plentiful and served hot.

What were the takeaways?

Russian tea cakes are overrated, Russian vodka smells like rubbing alcohol, and why would anyone eat borscht?


Mueller To Expand Probe Into Possible Russ… Zzzzzz

July 21, 2017

Anonymous leaks to an anonymous paper reveal that Special Counsel Robert Mueller has expanded his probe into something, which other leakers say involve President Trump’s campaign doing something with Russia, Trump obstructing justice somehow, or the Chicago Cubs’ comeback in the World Series.

The probe now focuses on all transactions the president ever had with anyone whose name ends in “-sky” or “-ov.” One person of interest is Dmitri Garov, owner of a seedy bird food business.

Garov allegedly bought what is characterized as “an unusual quantity” of lemonade from the lemonade stand Trump ran when he was seven. Unknown sources say Trump’s second-grade teacher Mrs. Garrett, his neighbor Mrs. Kravitz and members of his favorite show, The Monkees, have all been subpoenaed. The Monkees have also been ordered to play a full set for the investigators.

Subpoenaed

Band member Michael Nesmith told reporters he is shocked that Mueller would suspect them of involvement in a Russian plot. “People say we monkey around, but we’re too busy singing to put anybody down.”

Worries that Russia is buying influence in American politics raised by many Democrats including Nancy Pelosi, Bernie Sanders and Karl Marx as well as Bill Clinton during a speech he gave for the Russian embassy. Said House Intelligence Committee member Adam Schiff, “We must get to the bottom of this. If we don’t find anything, we must get to the top and then go back down to the bottom.”

Asked to comment, local mad scientist Rick Sanchez was turned down.


U.S.-France Relationship Rocked by Trump’s Testy Call With President Macron

July 15, 2017

Early in the Donald Trump presidency, leaks of partial content of phone calls between the president and world leaders became big headlines. Boardman is proud to announce it too now has the partial content of a phone call between Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron, thanks to an anonymous leaker named Jacques Aurevoir.

The following was a call placed by Macron from his quarters in the Élysée Palace to Trump in the American embassy about ten at night, following dinner at the Eiffel Tower with their wives, Melania and Brigitte.

Macron: Hi, Don. So, what are you doing now?

Trump: Same thing I was doing fifteen minutes ago when you last called. Writing an executive order for a border wall with California.

Macron:: You want to come over and play Xbox? I just got “Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare.”

Trump: Not now.

Macron: How about in an hour?

Trump: Maybe another time.

Macron: Okay… Hey, you like crepes? There’s a great crepe cart around the corner. We could go eat some crepes and ride horses after.

Trump: Really, I need to finish this order and…

(Sound of Brigitte in background)

Macron: Oh, I have to go. It’s my bedtime. See you tomorrow, okay?

Trump: Sure.

Macron: Promise?

Trump: Yes. Yes, I promise.

Macron: Cool! I want to show you my Spider-Man comic book collection. Then a parade with army men and jeeps and guns and big planes! – And they do anything I want them to! It’ll be so amazing! A demain!


New Tech To Power Government

July 11, 2017

At a recent White House tech summit, President Trump announced plans to modernize government computers and software. But leaks to the Washington Post by an anonymous A.I. reveal these aren’t the only things that will be modernized.

For decades, presidents have climbed up and down a steep, exhausting set of stairs to enter Air Force One. The stairs will now be replaced by an escalator. This way, presidents can save their legs and wave to the crowd the entire way up and the entire way down when exiting or entering the plane.

Other planned changes upgrade White House brooms to the new Swiffer Sweeper and some staffers will be replaced by Amazon Echo devices. Also, all government employee mobile devices will have new Twitter emojis.

Visiting dignitaries will find a refreshing change from the traditional red carpet with the new red moving sidewalk. To improve security, the front door of the White House will have a Ring doorbell.

The president’s helicopter transport Marine One will be replaced by a Transformer, Suboptimus Prime. One human staffer privately worries this will be a bigger disaster than the new Transformers movie. “Turns out Suboptimus runs on a Windows platform. He takes thirty minutes to boot up in the morning and then we have to wait another thirty for him to download and install his updates.”

When asked for comment, White House spokesman Alexa said, “Sorry. I didn’t understand the question that I heard.”