An Apology

April 10, 2018

Hi, I’m Condoleeza Rice, Editor-in-Chief for the Boardman Blog. As you know, Boardman has faithfully served the Bristol community for decades or at least a couple years.

However, professors at George Washington University recently pointed out that our employees exert “literary privilege” – an oppressive form of racism that confers an unfair advantage to those who can read and write in a sophisticated manner. Indeed, we reviewed our hiring practices and found that we have discriminated against those who are noun-and-verb challenged.

To address this issue, we will immediately start recruiting people who do not know English or any other language. Second, we will only write articles using stick figures and rebuses and donate all unused words and punctuation to the Southern Poverty Word Center.

We hope our initiative inspires others to address this country’s endemic and unconscious oppression of less word-fortunate.

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In Effort to Prove They Believe in Free Trade, China Raises More Obstacles to U.S. Imports

April 5, 2018

Complaining about unreasonable duties and other restrictions China places on U.S. manufacturers, Trump announced duties on select Chinese imports. In response, China raised their tariffs even further. The most concerning for Wall Street were those on soybeans, partially or totally deterred tobacco, undeterred tobacco, and utterly shameless tobacco.

Tariffs will also affect “vehicles equipped with a compression-ignition reciprocating piston internal combustion engine and a drive motor that can be charged by plugging in an external power source.” Exempt are those with equid-driven power systems, also known as “horse-drawn carriages.”

In searching for new imports to tax, China added to the list non-Chinese-speaking camelids, peanuts processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, and wheat-based corn. Said one farmer in Narnia, “This will definitely impact us where for generations, the White Witch let us and the beaver family raise corn from wheat seeds.”

Noted Wall Street alarmist Jed Whooshan was alarmed by the added tariffs on 1,1,1-trichloro-2,2-Bis(4-chlorophenyl)ethane products, primary shaped epoxy resin and odd-shaped bubblegum. In a call to subscribers to his newsletter, he changed his recommendation from buying gold to buying more gold. “The only thing that would change my recommendation,” he said, “is if China allowed in 1,2,1-trichloro-2,2-Bis(4-chlorophenyl)ethane. In which case, investors should buy gold.”

The China-U.S. trade issue mirrors the trade problem plaguing Bristol. In an effort to level the playing field with Southington, the Bristol city council is considering tariffs and leveling their playing field, which is two inches higher at one end. In the crosshairs are imports of apples, female escorts and toys won at booths in the Southington half of Lake Compounce.


Forestville Shocked, Trump Jr., Getting Divorced

March 18, 2018

Residents of Forestville awoke Thursday morning to the startling news that Vanessa Trump filed for divorce from her husband Donald Trump Jr, after 12 years of marriage.

Many citizens were shocked at the news.

“This is shocking,” said one.

Added another, “I didn’t see this coming. He seems like such a nice well-behaved young boy like his dad.”

HOW WILL THIS AFFECT BRISTOL/FORSTVILLE?

Red Cross volunteers provided aid and comfort to several individuals who were impacted by the news Saturday by giving them “Make America Great Again Hats”. More volunteers are expected in the area by Monday with more hats and in a variety of colors as well. “Our thoughts and prayers are with those adversely affected by this devastating news,” the Red Cross said in a statement. “In the meantime we hope these hats help.”

Many residents were grief stricken so they hugged and offered each other condolences. “We have to be supportive,” said Latham Eikel, a Trump supporter. “Trump Jr., has done so much for so many like…and there is uh…well trust me he cares about people so people should care about him.”

The right leaning Facebook page Bristol Complains, while posting humorous images and rants denouncing anything associated with democrats, urged the public to be respectful of the Trump family during this time because they have been so respectful of others themselves.

A candlelight vigil will be held on the Memorial Boulevard School property tonight. There will be a moment of silence as names of the Trump family will be read aloud.

Venders will be on the property too selling Trump merchandise such as hats, coffee mugs, water bottles, t-shirts, coins, buttons, socks, cologne, bicycle shorts, and cremation urns.


Trump Fires Tillerson; Eyes Move to Forestville

March 13, 2018

This morning Trump fired Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State and preplaced him CIA Director Mike Pompeo.

Mr. Tillerson had grown increasingly disillusioned with the Trump administration, and their undermining of his authority.

Sources say the 65 year old Texan and former ExxonMobil CEO next order of business is to move to the Forestville section of Bristol in the coming weeks. Mr. Tillerson is excited about Bristol’s low crime rate and its numerous attractions.

Currently he is looking at properties in the Village Road area along the Plainville border, but has not ruled out Federal Hill or Chippens Hill. Upon moving to Forestville/Bristol his neighbors will include other Trump refugees Sean Spicer and Stormy Daniels.


Stormy Daniels Moving to Federal Hill Section of Bristol

March 9, 2018

Porn actress Stormy Daniels has purchased a home in the Federal Hill section of Bristol, according to sources.

The “Wicked Divas”, “Bikini Kitchen” and “Big Busted Goddesses of Las Vegas”, actress purchased a property in the historic enclave, which is listed on the National Register of Historic Places and Bristol’s List of Fancy Schmancy Neighborhoods.

Ms. Daniels, whose real name is Stephanie Clifford, joins a neighborhood filled with Bristol’s A-listers and insiders, many of whom no one has ever heard of.

The amenities of her large Victorian home include windows, doors, a cellar, heat and a roof, says Fefe DuBoise, a nosy neighbor.

The women of “The Hill” are having an allergic reaction to Ms. Daniels taking up residence and have banned her from their Wine While Knitting Meetups, and the Aqua Zumba Class they take Saturday mornings at the Bristol Boys & Girls Club.

Meanwhile, the men are showering the AVN (Adult Video News) Hall of Fame member with lavish gifts from Parkside Café, and offering to show her the neighborhood. “Yeah, I got Stormy a Parkside Café gift card, so what?” said Oakland Street home owner Otto Velez. “Actually, I got her two and a t-shirt as well only because it is not everyday that a Hall of Famer moves into the neighborhood!”


Did the Russians Meddle with the Super Bowl?

February 5, 2018

It is no secret that New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is a friend of Donald J. Trump so following last night’s dramatic Super Bowl game, which nearly saw the Patriots come from behind and win again, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced he is investigating to see if Russia meddled with the Super Bowl.

The Patriots, for the second consecutive Super Bowl were losing at halftime, battled back to take the lead late. Consequently, rumors were rampant that Russian Diplomat Sergei Kislyak, a key figure in Mueller’s Russian investigation, was in the stadium colluding with New England and NFL officials to develop a certain outcome.

Christopher Steele, a former British intelligence officer and author of The Trump-Russia dossier, warned of this scenario due to Kraft’s cozy relationship with Trump. The intelligence community believes the Patriots as an organization were compromised several years ago because they not only drafted players with Eastern European names like Gronkowski (Polish) and Gostkowski (Polish), but they hired a head coach named Belichick (Croatian).

Intelligence officials are of the mind that the Russian government successfully made inroads into the Patriots, and the league offices too. In fact, Russian experts at the Wilson Center think backup quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was traded midseason for virtually nothing because he is of Greek decent, and refused to learn Russian as a second language.

The revelations about the New England Patriots and Russia is just the latest blemish in their long and sorted history of controversy, secrecy and manipulation, which is the calling card of the Russian intelligence apparatus.


Remember Sebastian Gorka? Try Not to Gasp When You See Him Now!

August 27, 2017

Sebastian Gorka, a fiery counterterrorism guru, no longer works at the White House but he wasn’t fired, or dismissed nor did he resign – he just no longer works there.  According to sources he will most likely take a job with Breitbart News. 

During his tenure at the White House no one knew what his duties were other than to look like someone that would be named Sebastian Gorka.  Those duties will continue at Breitbart.

Sebastian Gorka Gets a Jaw-Dropping Credit Card With a 0% APR Until October 2018

His parting gifts from the Trump administration include a Discover it® – Cashback Match™ card. 

Sebastian Gorka qualified for the card because he has average to excellent credit, which is usually a credit score of 670 or higher. He was thrilled to learn that there are Card perks such as free TransUnion FICO® Score on his monthly statement and lots of fine print that he will never read.

How is Sebastian Gorka Responding to Taylor Swift’s New Song?

Now that Sebastian Gorka is out of a job and away from the White House, one thing everyone wants to know is: What does Sebastian Gorka think of Taylor Swift’s new single? 

Many believed Sebastian Gorka would throw some shade on the tune and say it was “fake” written by “extremists” because he says that about everything. But so far he has remained silent. Associates say Sebastian Gorka has remained silent because….

Connecticut Homeowners Born Before 1985 Get a Big Surprise

Sebastian Gorka was born in October of 1970 so he qualifies for the Home Affordable Refinance Program, which typically saves $4,140 homeowners a year.

Due to his cool new credit card and the new Taylor Swift tune in his head and the money he is saving, Sebastian Gorka will sleep well because…

It is Time For a New Pillow!

Sebastian Gorka deserves to sleep better at night, and there is no easier way than with a Sleepgram pillow.

The Sleepgram Pillow is a revolutionary pillow because not only is it the only pillow on the market that is delivered in a shipping crate, but it is the only pillow on the market that can be folded into thirds.

And this is fantastic news for Sebastian Gorka because…