Boardman Attended Trump Jr Meeting With Russians

July 21, 2017

All the Presidents Men

Every day the guest list at Donald Trump Jr’s., meeting from last summer with Russian officials connected to the Kremlin, who promised damaging information about Hillary Clinton, continues to grow.

Therefore, in the interest of full disclosure, Boardman is prepared to disclose that a Boardman representative attended the meeting as well.

Who attended the meeting?

The meeting included the then-campaign manager Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, Rob Goldstone and a bunch of Russians who were really annoying because their names were difficult if not impossible to pronounce.

How did Boardman get invited?

Boardman attended the meeting at the behest of Mr. Manafort who is a regular reader of the Boardman site and interested in all things Forestville.

What was discussed?

It was difficult to understand what was discussed because everyone was speaking Russian.

What did Boardman do at the meeting?

During the meeting Boardman sampled the Russian tea cakes, which were readily available, the Russian vodka that was offered by Mr. Manafort and the Borscht that was plentiful and served hot.

What were the takeaways?

Russian tea cakes are overrated, Russian vodka smells like rubbing alcohol, and why would anyone eat borscht?


Mueller To Expand Probe Into Possible Russ… Zzzzzz

July 21, 2017

Anonymous leaks to an anonymous paper reveal that Special Counsel Robert Mueller has expanded his probe into something, which other leakers say involve President Trump’s campaign doing something with Russia, Trump obstructing justice somehow, or the Chicago Cubs’ comeback in the World Series.

The probe now focuses on all transactions the president ever had with anyone whose name ends in “-sky” or “-ov.” One person of interest is Dmitri Garov, owner of a seedy bird food business.

Garov allegedly bought what is characterized as “an unusual quantity” of lemonade from the lemonade stand Trump ran when he was seven. Unknown sources say Trump’s second-grade teacher Mrs. Garrett, his neighbor Mrs. Kravitz and members of his favorite show, The Monkees, have all been subpoenaed. The Monkees have also been ordered to play a full set for the investigators.

Subpoenaed

Band member Michael Nesmith told reporters he is shocked that Mueller would suspect them of involvement in a Russian plot. “People say we monkey around, but we’re too busy singing to put anybody down.”

Worries that Russia is buying influence in American politics raised by many Democrats including Nancy Pelosi, Bernie Sanders and Karl Marx as well as Bill Clinton during a speech he gave for the Russian embassy. Said House Intelligence Committee member Adam Schiff, “We must get to the bottom of this. If we don’t find anything, we must get to the top and then go back down to the bottom.”

Asked to comment, local mad scientist Rick Sanchez was turned down.


U.S.-France Relationship Rocked by Trump’s Testy Call With President Macron

July 15, 2017

Early in the Donald Trump presidency, leaks of partial content of phone calls between the president and world leaders became big headlines. Boardman is proud to announce it too now has the partial content of a phone call between Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron, thanks to an anonymous leaker named Jacques Aurevoir.

The following was a call placed by Macron from his quarters in the Élysée Palace to Trump in the American embassy about ten at night, following dinner at the Eiffel Tower with their wives, Melania and Brigitte.

Macron: Hi, Don. So, what are you doing now?

Trump: Same thing I was doing fifteen minutes ago when you last called. Writing an executive order for a border wall with California.

Macron:: You want to come over and play Xbox? I just got “Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare.”

Trump: Not now.

Macron: How about in an hour?

Trump: Maybe another time.

Macron: Okay… Hey, you like crepes? There’s a great crepe cart around the corner. We could go eat some crepes and ride horses after.

Trump: Really, I need to finish this order and…

(Sound of Brigitte in background)

Macron: Oh, I have to go. It’s my bedtime. See you tomorrow, okay?

Trump: Sure.

Macron: Promise?

Trump: Yes. Yes, I promise.

Macron: Cool! I want to show you my Spider-Man comic book collection. Then a parade with army men and jeeps and guns and big planes! – And they do anything I want them to! It’ll be so amazing! A demain!


New Tech To Power Government

July 11, 2017

At a recent White House tech summit, President Trump announced plans to modernize government computers and software. But leaks to the Washington Post by an anonymous A.I. reveal these aren’t the only things that will be modernized.

For decades, presidents have climbed up and down a steep, exhausting set of stairs to enter Air Force One. The stairs will now be replaced by an escalator. This way, presidents can save their legs and wave to the crowd the entire way up and the entire way down when exiting or entering the plane.

Other planned changes upgrade White House brooms to the new Swiffer Sweeper and some staffers will be replaced by Amazon Echo devices. Also, all government employee mobile devices will have new Twitter emojis.

Visiting dignitaries will find a refreshing change from the traditional red carpet with the new red moving sidewalk. To improve security, the front door of the White House will have a Ring doorbell.

The president’s helicopter transport Marine One will be replaced by a Transformer, Suboptimus Prime. One human staffer privately worries this will be a bigger disaster than the new Transformers movie. “Turns out Suboptimus runs on a Windows platform. He takes thirty minutes to boot up in the morning and then we have to wait another thirty for him to download and install his updates.”

When asked for comment, White House spokesman Alexa said, “Sorry. I didn’t understand the question that I heard.”


James Comey Testifies Before Senate; Park Rangers Report Black Bears Unconcerned

June 9, 2017

James Comey

Yesterday, the Senate Intelligence Committee took testimony from ex-FBI director James Comey about what his conversations with the president were and why he is so ridiculously tall.

Key takeaways from Comey hearing:

— Comey testifies that Trump did not obstruct justice. He also does not know why he is so tall.

— Stripes and crazy-looking patterns are still in for men’s ties this summer.

— Senator Mark Warner (D) pressed the former FBI head whether Trump obstructed his dessert order. “Did Trump demand you have one or two scoops of ice cream? Did Trump mention the word, ‘banana?’ Did he say he had to go to the rest room at any point during your conversation?” Comey declined to answer, suggesting Putin had gotten to Comey as well.

— Comey reiterated that Trump makes him uncomfortable. As does spiders, clowns and reruns of Happy Days. He then asked senators to remove their socks as that made him queasy too.

— Boardman polled a focus group of three people with ADD for their opinion on the hearing. In the survey, 1 or 1 out of 3 admitted he was playing Clash of Clans on his iPhone during the hearing, 1 said she has a dog named Mittens, and 1 ran in circles around the room while trying to fly.


Concertgoers Meet Disappointment

June 5, 2017

– Queen of England Bestows Knighthood To Popular Septic Tank Worker Using Extra Long Sword

– Governor Malloy Pledges To Make Filling Out State Income Tax Forms Fun Again

– Experts Worry Robots Will Lose Their Jobs To Migrant Furbies

Concertgoers
A Southington couple met disappointment when they arrived at Center Park in Manchester Sunday.

“We heard Arianna Grande was playing a benefit in Manchester, but she isn’t here,” said Mike Lumpwell.

His wife hit him in the arm. “I told you it was Manchester, New Hampshire, not Connecticut.”

They next plan to visit New London to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Stories continued on back


Election Coverage 2017

May 26, 2017

Editor’s note: Here we present our continuing coverage of the Montana and Kansas.

Greg Gianforte won the special election. In his acceptance speech according to the Washington Post, he said, “This is a victory for (everyone in Montana). We won a victory for our second amendment rights (and guns and crime). We won a victory (for fascism and poisoning the air and water).” He also apologized for hitting the Guardian reporter and according to the Post, threatened to “punch anyone who disagreed with that.”

In other news, the Kansas election is still over.