UConn Lady Huskies Lose In Final Four – ISIS Claims Credit

April 1, 2017

UConn women’s team lost for the first time this year, snapping a record win streak and hopes for another national title. Disappointed fans took to the streets carrying signs saying, “Mississippi State Is Not My Winner” in protest.

“Mississippi State won the point total, but not the fan total. More people wanted UConn and therefore UConn should be given the win,” pointed out one UConn alum who also voted for Hillary. “This is worse than Trump becoming president.”

Her husband agreed. “Yes, it is worse than Hillary becoming president.”

“That’s it!” said another fan. “I’m done rooting for losers. I’m spending my time rooting for the New York Jets.”

Yet another basketball fan threw in the towel. “I’m so depressed, I don’t even feel like going out in the streets and looting and burning the college down like you’re supposed to after big games.”

Other fans were appreciative. Public high school teacher Maryanne Hart said, “All my students love the Huskies and their win streak of 111, even though none of them can count that high.”

Governor Malloy also praised the Huskies. When asked at a press conference about what he will do about the poor state of the Connecticut economy, he responded, “How about those Huskies?”

The Bristol Press plans to print a nice tribute to the team, although they admitted the lack of violence at the UConn game will keep it off page one.

City Hall also plans a “Meet The Lady Huskies” celebration. Due to budgetary constraints however, only a member of the practice team and the understudy for the team’s ball boy will be on hand.

Hartford Courant reporter Paul Doyle was inconsolable. He announced that with the loss, the paper will shift focus to covering other teams. “It’s a shame. We hope UConn’s women’s team does better next season. For now, we will expand coverage of other teams that are not disappointing, like UConn football.”


Trump’s Tax Return Finally Released! Orrrrr Was It?

March 17, 2017

In a much hyped and long winded report Tuesday night, MSNBC host Rachel Maddow presented President Trump’s 2005 federal income tax return to her audience. However, after closer examination, is it really Trumps’ return?

Buddy Myers, a clerk in the office of Forestville CPA Chandler Juliet, says he has a hunch that the 1040 form is a fraud.

According to Mr. Myers the 1040 shown to the public is filled with irregularities and was created by photoshopping numbers, hand-placed date stamps and items of no value from another return onto the supposed Trump return.

Some sections of the return he says show evidence of an Ottendorf Cipher, in which numbers and letters are used to reveal clues about its true origins. Mr. Myers confessed however that he has yet to decode the cipher because he hurt his arm while bowling.

At a press conference about his two day probe into the matter, Myers, who was surrounded by people that mostly nodded their heads and cheered at inopportune times remarked, “It took a long time to produce this return that has no signature, no detail and is redacted. I think this return is a fake, a fraud – a phony if you will. Trump could end the speculation simply, just show the return with all the schedules and it’d be over.”

Fake?

To help him in this endeavor Mr. Myers recruited former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the man who has tried to prove President Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. “This is bigger than the birther thingy or the George W. Bush Texas Air National Guard thingy or the Russia thingy. You’re talking about a president who has never filed tax returns. If he had why won’t he produce them? This guy is not a taxpayer he is a tax delinquent and this forged return proves that.”


Jeff Sessions to Give up Being Attorney General for Lent

March 3, 2017

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Top congressional Democrats are asking Attorney General Jeff Sessions to resign following revelations that he lied under oath during his confirmation hearing.

“I will not resign but I will give up being Attorney General for Lent,” he said at a press conference Thursday.  “It will do me a world of good to get away from these Trump people for a few weeks.”

Later, appearing on state-run TV Fox News, Sessions expanded on his remarks to Tucker Carlson, “I am extending an olive branch to the Democrats. For forty days I will stop my war on pot, gays, voting rights and Civil Rights in exchange they will stop asking for my resignation over this Russian thing.”


Betsy DeVos Visits a Public School!

February 12, 2017

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Education Secretary Betsy DeVos visited Jefferson Academy, a public school in Washington on Friday. She is a strong advocate for school choice and privatizing public schools. It was the first time she visited a public school.

After initially being rebuffed by some protestors from entering, Mrs. DeVos gained access and carefully walked through the school stopping to collect soil samples for analysis in the event she never visits a public school again.

The billionaire met with teachers, visited classrooms and spoke with the D.C. Public Schools Chancellor. Later, speaking from her gold encrusted lectern at the Department of Education she observed, “I was shocked to see children were learning and teachers were teaching. I didn’t know that went on in there.”

Following her visit with public educators she visited a doctor fearing she may have contracted some unknown pathogen(s) in the school. She was noticeably relieved when doctors gave her a clean bill of health and told her she would not have to be quarantined.

Because it was the first time she had ever been in a public school, Mrs. DeVos left behind a stainless steel commemorative plaque. The plaque’s inscription reads “Here Education Secretary Betsy DeVos First Set Foot Upon a Public School. She Came in Peace, February 2017 AD.”


Forestville on Alert and Frederick Douglass Confirmed Dead

February 4, 2017

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Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.
– G.K. Chesterton

Following the Bowling Green Massacre the Forestville threat level was elevated Saturday. Due to the raising of the threat level and with the apparent death of noted abolitionist Frederick Douglass (more below) during the Bowling Green Massacre, Harriet Beecher Stowe and Harriet Tubman were placed in protective custody, President Trump announced late Saturday.

According to village officials, Forestville’s alert was raised but neighboring Southington wasn’t because Forestville saw an influx of refugees come from Plainville.

Frederick Douglass

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Abolitionist, statesman and one time slave Frederick Douglass is confirmed among the dead during the Bowling Green Massacre in 2011.

Mr. Douglas was recently in the news when President Trump referred to him in the present-tense at a Black History Month event when he said “Frederick Douglass ‘has done an amazing job.’” We now know that statement to be false because he died in the 2011 Bowling Green Massacre. Below is a consolidated time line of his extraordinary life. He was only 193 years old.

Frederick Douglass Timeline

1818 Born a slave as Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey

1826 Taught to read and write

1838 Changes his name to Frederick Douglass and escapes to freedom in the North

1848 Attends first Women’s Right Convention at Seneca Falls, New York

1853 Visits Harriet Beecher Stowe

1855 Publishes his second autobiography, My Bondage and My Freedom

1865 Receives President Lincoln’s walking stick from Mrs. Lincoln following the president’s assassination

1872 Moves to Washington, D.C.

1881 Predicts President Garfield will be a two term president

1903 Attends First Baseball World Series

1914 Attends state funeral for Franz Ferdinand

1932 Endorses FDR for president

1938 Has meeting with Chamberlain and Hitler and says “there will be no war in Europe”

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1943 Begins dating American actress and pin-up girl Betty Grable

1952 Makes TV debut on What’s My Line?

1953 Accused of being a communist by Senator Joseph McCarthy

1963 Rides in the follow up car at JFK assassination

1965 Cannot participate in the Selma to Montgomery March with MLK due to gout

1968 Romantically linked to actresses Cicely Tyson and Diahann Carroll

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1977 Makes guest TV appearances on The Walton’s, Little House on the Prairie, All in the Family, The Muppet Show, Good Times, 60 Minutes and The Love Boat

1979 Appears at No Nukes Rally

1984 Appears at MTV Awards with Diana Ross

1989 Caught up in The Keating Five Scandal

1994 Nominated for Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album

2000 Retires

2006 Receives the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Bush

2011 Dies during Bowling Green Massacre

2017 Death announced to the public


The Final Days?

January 15, 2017

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For a little over a year, life for Forestville and Bristol democrats has been tough.

First, the Mayor was re-elected.

Then, Calvin moved out of his district and the world nearly ended.

Later, it was learned the mayor had an inappropriate relationship with a city employee (prior to becoming mayor), threatened another; apologized and then took anger management classes. Much to the democrats chagrin, he remains popular.

In November, Bristol’s three legislative republicans were easily re-elected to the state legislature.

And by the end of the week, Trump will be president.

Depressed, democrats are being prescribed record amounts of antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft and Desyrel and Xanax to cope. “Eighteen months ago one out of every two democrats were taking antidepressants. Now, it is two out of every four. That’s a fifty percent increase,” said Forestville CPA, Chandler Juliet.

Those not taking antidepressants, or Benzedrine for that matter to just get through another day, are meditating as a coping strategy.

Several democrats that no one ever really listens to however, feel cognitive behavioral therapy should be offered first and used in conjunction with counseling rather than pills or meditation. “We have to do something,” said Limping Larry. “You can only take so many pills and do so many sun salutations and chakras.”

Dr. Emma Glockenspiel, a rank and file democrat speaking from the comforts of her solarium, believes they should go in another direction. “I encourage party members to remain positive, breath deep, listen to music, read poetry and go for nature walks before the planet is engulfed in ash and fire and ruin and before there is no food, no water and no heat; nothing but destruction and extinction due to Trump, the republicans and their policies. More tea?”

Recently, on a chilly and windy night, Bristol Democratic Chairman Dean Kilbourne, speaking at a banquet at Nuchie’s, looked to the future. “While others foresee see apocalypse and Armageddon I see hope. As Shakespeare once said ‘The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope.’”

“Hope is the St. Paul baseball team winning their first state title in 40 years. Hope is The Bristol Beat providing Bristol a radio station. Hope is the Bristol Art Squad enriching our community. And hope is a leader that will find workable solutions to the challenges we face; a leader that says, ‘we and not I’, and a leader that as President Kennedy once proclaimed, ‘Not seek to fix blame for the past – but accept our own responsibility for the future.’ It is therefore, my pleasure to introduce the next mayor of Bristol”……..

It was then that the power suddenly went out due to a wind gust leaving everyone in the dark.

· · · – – – · · ·

END


Russian Hackers Interfere with 2017 New Year’s Ball Drop

January 1, 2017

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On December 31, at the stroke of midnight, the ball at Times Square dropped prompting concern at the White House.

President Obama in speaking to reporters immediately claimed that Vladimir Putin and Russian hackers were behind it. “The precise timing that the ball dropped exactly at midnight is something that could only happen at the behest of Russian authorities at the highest level.”

In response, Obama ordered the expulsion of three more Russian diplomats, a service dog and popular cartoon character Cheburashka.

The incident follows on the heels of Obama blaming the Russian president for Hillary Clinton losing the election and swiping the supply of mints at the White House reception desk.

“What the president did makes sense,” said Tom Joyner, a local expert on Russian affairs since he read a book on it this morning. “We have to tell Russia, ‘Hands off our balls.'”

To map out other measures to punish the Russians, Obama brought onto his strategic planning staff Jackass star Johnny Knoxville. “The Russians will uh, uh, be pranked really good,” Obama promised.