Is Donald J. Trump the Greatest Human Being Ever?

January 27, 2019

FORESTVILLE (AB) –

Donald J. Trump was born on June 14, 1946, at the Jamaica Hospital in Queens, New York City.

He graduated from the Wharton School in 1968 with a Bachelor of Science degree in economics.

In the 1970s, he father loaned him over one million dollars which he used to became a real estate developer in New York City.

Currently, he stands 6’3 and weighs 239 lbs.

Despite the burden of his privileged beginnings, Trump became an entrepreneur, a master of the media and President of the United States. Consequently, could he possibly be the greatest human being ever?

Yes, he has married three times and yes, he is a philanderer and yes, he is misogynistic, but according to Trump and his true believers, no one respects women more than he.

It is true that he marshaled in racism to this era; and it is true that he is polarizing; and it is true that he is divisive, however; despite his coarseness, demonization and indifference to the sufferings of others; he and he alone can bring the country together because he really does care about people.

While Trump’s lexicon is linear and not extensive; and while Trump has difficulty reading and has no regard for details; and while Trump struggles with comprehension and being intellectually curious, no one knows more about ISIS, taxes, drones, trade, technology, the economy, the Bible, H1B, the military or “the horror of nuclear” than him because he watches a lot of TV.

Trump is authoritarian and lacks empathy and lacks sympathy and believes an absence of wealth is a character flaw. Despite his hierarchal views of society, he said that he loves the poorly educated.

And while he may be reckless and, while he may be quick tempered and, while he may be ill-mannered and has no capacity to evolve or grow, he is most gracious provided you are obsequious to him.

Socrates once argued, “Wisdom begins in wonder,” and Plato declared, “Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something” and Aristotle opined, “Character may almost be called the most effective mean of persuasion.”

Trump not to be outdone, once divinely retorted, “I’ve always said, ‘If you need Viagra, you’re probably with the wrong girl.’”

Yes Donald J. Trump is a narcissist and yes, Donald J. Trump thrives in berating political opponents and yes, Donald J. Trump lacks humanity and civility and believes he is a victim due to the media, the elites, the haters, the losers and Barack Obama. Based on these facts and dozens of others, Donald J. Trump, despite his lack of morality, courage and honesty, could quite possibly be the greatest human being ever, just ask him.

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Local Bookie Taking Bets on Conspiracy Theories Regarding False Missile Warning in Hawaii

January 13, 2018

Hawaii was subject to a state wide alert warning of an incoming ballistic missile this morning. It was later determined to be a false alarm due to human error.

However Smitty, Forestville’s resident bookie, quickly established a betting line to determine, How Long Will it Take for a Conspiracy Theory to be Generated about the False Alert?

Less than 24 hours is the favorite at -165. Meaning a bet of $165 will net $100.

24-48 hours, 48-72 hours or whenever Alex Jones gains access to a television studio are being offered too.

Wagers can also place bets on, Who Will be Blamed?

Smitty established The Deep State with the best chance because they are a favorite foil amongst the Alt-Right community.

Others with a betting line include President Obama and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton, a frequent target for conspiracy theorists, has been accused of murder, using body doubles and shaky financial dealings just to name a few to keep the word count for this article under 250.

Longshots on a local level are the current occupant of Bristol mayor’s office, and the Bristol Board of Education.

Another side bet is, Who Will Peddle the First Conspiracy Theory?

Alex Jones, host of InfoWars, a noted conspiracy theorist who promoted 9/11 was an inside job, mass shootings are false flag operations, Obama is the head of Al-Qaeda and the government is using juice boxes to make children gay, is the favorite coming out of the clubhouse followed by Fox News host Sean Hannity and Trump.


Trump’s Tax Return Finally Released! Orrrrr Was It?

March 17, 2017

In a much hyped and long winded report Tuesday night, MSNBC host Rachel Maddow presented President Trump’s 2005 federal income tax return to her audience. However, after closer examination, is it really Trumps’ return?

Buddy Myers, a clerk in the office of Forestville CPA Chandler Juliet, says he has a hunch that the 1040 form is a fraud.

According to Mr. Myers the 1040 shown to the public is filled with irregularities and was created by photoshopping numbers, hand-placed date stamps and items of no value from another return onto the supposed Trump return.

Some sections of the return he says show evidence of an Ottendorf Cipher, in which numbers and letters are used to reveal clues about its true origins. Mr. Myers confessed however that he has yet to decode the cipher because he hurt his arm while bowling.

At a press conference about his two day probe into the matter, Myers, who was surrounded by people that mostly nodded their heads and cheered at inopportune times remarked, “It took a long time to produce this return that has no signature, no detail and is redacted. I think this return is a fake, a fraud – a phony if you will. Trump could end the speculation simply, just show the return with all the schedules and it’d be over.”

Fake?

To help him in this endeavor Mr. Myers recruited former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the man who has tried to prove President Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. “This is bigger than the birther thingy or the George W. Bush Texas Air National Guard thingy or the Russia thingy. You’re talking about a president who has never filed tax returns. If he had why won’t he produce them? This guy is not a taxpayer he is a tax delinquent and this forged return proves that.”


Trump and Air Force One

December 7, 2016

air-force-one-01

President-elect Donald Trump tweeted that Boeing’s planned new version of Air Force One is too expensive and he wants to cancel it. The passenger jet is now slated to cost over $4 billion dollars even with savings from the Defense Department buying it during Boeing’s November to Remember Sales Event.

Trump’s complaints included the lack of amenities he’d get for the cost. “It can’t hit hypersonic speed, it has no lasers and the entertainment system doesn’t even pick up ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey.'”

President Obama responded to Trump’s tweet on the White House lawn, where he was taking a break from mowing. “I’m tired of Trump complaining about everything I’ve, uh, accomplished including this plane. In fact, I’m going inside right now and issue an executive order, uh, banning Trump from being president. That’s constitutional, right?”


Early Clues Emerge about Trump’s Plans for Obamacare

November 16, 2016

obamacare-insurance-exchange

As everyone knows, the Affordable Care Act or Obamacare is a simple plan administered by Health and Human Services or HHS.

In Obamacare, you first determine if you are in a state with an Obamacare exchange and then contact a website or one of several insurance companies to choose one of several levels of coverage unless you are unable to afford insurance in which case you go to the HHS website to determine if you are eligible for a subsidized plan from one of several carriers or pay a fine unless you live with your parents and are under the age of 26 in which case your parents will cover you under a plan that they will get by first determining if they are in a state with an Obamacare exchange and then contact a website or one of several insurance companies unless they are unable to afford insurance in which case they go to the HHS website to determine if they are eligible for a subsidized plan from one of several carriers or pay a fine unless they too live with their parents and are under the age of 26 in which case their parents will cover everyone under a plan that they will get by first determining if they are in a state with an Obamacare exchange and then contact a website or one of several insurance companies unless they are unable to afford insurance in which case they go to the HHS website to determine if they are eligible for a subsidized plan from one of several carriers or pay a fine unless they too live with their parents and are under the age of 26 which would be extremely bizarre.

Currently, according to experts, Obamacare is administered and run by the secretary of the HHS as well as advisory boards made up of selected doctors, government officials and a ferret.

Sources close to Fred Thomas, a barfly who lives in a downtown Bristol alleyway, say that key to Trump’s plan to repeal and replace Obamacare is to substitute the ferret for a troupe of seals, animals thought to be more nurturing as well as hugely telegenic.

“If you suffer from poor care, of course you will feel better knowing a cute little animal like a seal is looking after you. It was a deficiency in my original plan,” says Obamacare architect Jonathan Gruber. “Ferrets! What was I thinking?”

Efforts to reach Trump staff for comment on this article were met with bewilderment and derision.