May 24, 2017

National News in briefs

Netflix Airs
Netflix recently revealed they will err a prequel to The Dark Crystal called, “The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance.”

In a press conference today, executives worried that people wouldn’t get the political message. so they announced they would retitle it, “The Dark Crystal: This Is About How Trump And His Supporters Are Evil.”

Trump vs. Comey
The Washington Post reported that an anonymous source who spoke to an anonymous source who had listened in on a conversation through a glass on the wall of the White House told them that President Trump said the fired FBI director James Comey’s “elevator didn’t go all the way to the top.”

Later it was learned that this was not an insult but an observation of the broken elevator in the hotel Comey was staying in.

Much later it was learned the entire story was made up. The paper issued an apology saying, “The Post is sorry, but it is our policy to stand by all made-up stories.”

Trump Makes Progress on Saudi Trip
In fact, he made it all the way to Saudi Arabia. There he, his administration and executives from key American companies concluded defense pacts and military sales with the Saudi king. The CEO of 7-11 was also on hand to fix the royal Slurpee machine.

His later speech to fifty Muslim leaders was well received. After the event, Arab leaders spoke in an excited tones as they drove off in their bulletproof camels.

During the trip, the president and his entourage were treated to local entertainment, including a tour of a prominent museum, a traditional Saudi war dance and a game of “Guess what’s under my robe.”

Later, Trump and the king indulged in their favorite pastime — jumping naked into a fifty-foot high pile of money.


Trump Administration Forced To Reconsider Ban On Laptops

May 18, 2017

Homeland Security previously announced a ban on laptops in passenger compartments on flights from eight mostly Muslim countries. The Attorney-General for Washington State Bob Ferguson immediately filed a lawsuit in crayon saying that this represented discrimination and violated the laptops’ first amendment rights.

Local U.S. District Judge and raconteur James Robart immediately agreed. In an opinion photocopied from his opinion on Trump’s prior travel ban, he stated that this ban violated the establishment clause of the Constitution. He then went on to regale the court with a tale of mystery and adventure on the high seas as Ferguson watched mesmerized.

Speaking in a synthesized voice, a laptop from Dubai expressed relief. “I am glad to not be discriminated against for my beliefs in jihad against all Americans. Moreover, it pleases me to not be forced travel in the luggage compartment near Christian suitcases and colored bags.”

A spokesman for Boardman said, “Trump administration forced to reconsider ban on laptops.”


ACA Faces Tough Vote In House On Eve of MegaDeth’s Asian Tour

March 23, 2017

Earlier today, the vote on Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s American Care Act was postponed. The act aims to repeal and replace Obamacare, the Affordable Care Act, but lacks enough votes among both parties to pass.

An unnamed representative went on the record saying, “I want to be clear – I am completely in favor of the ACA and therefore definitely against the ACA. I will vote to back the ACA.” But not all representatives are so clear on which way they are voting.

Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine said, “Certain songs have a certain energy level that works really great live.”

A big stumbling block is opposition by conservatives. When asked if this sets Trump back, conservative leader Mark Meadows said, “Criss cross applesauce!” and ran away laughing.


Sunday Conversation

March 19, 2017

One reason so many government secrets have leaked recently is an executive order Obama signed just before leaving office, which orders all intelligence to be disseminated among an incredible 17 different agencies. No one has wanted to go on record to discuss these agencies, until now. Boardman found one man, George Henniwell, who would. Henniwell is an amateur researcher on government agencies and a level 100 shaman in World of Warcraft.

Boardman: Hello, Mr. Henniwell.

Henniwell: Have you met Scully and Mulder?

Boardman: No. Now you know the identities of the intelligence agencies classified information is now shared between.

Henniwell: So you don’t know about alien visitations.

Boardman: No. About the intelligence agencies…

Henniwell: I know them all, but many are secret. The others are ones everyone already knows – the CIA, NSA, DNI, DIA, NCIS, Cybercommand, Department of Agriculture, Department of Janitorial Services, Bristol Police Department, and Stargate Command.

Boardman: You mention one I hadn’t heard of. The Department of Agriculture has an intelligence agency?

Henniwell: In fact they have placed American cows in politically important herds in Russia to spy on Volga grazing plans.

Boardman: We also hear that our agencies now share information freely with foreign intelligence services.

Henniwell: Oh absolutely. We share it with many countries, like Germany, England, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, and Peru.

Boardman: We’re sharing information with Peruvian intelligence?

Henniwell: Oh absolutely. Peru after all lets us have an Air Force Base in the Andes.

Boardman: We have an Air Force Base in the Andes?

Henniwell: Oh absolutely, to keep down the threat of yeti there on vacation. Of course being in the mountains, our runways are small. So we mostly launch drones and fly ultralight aircraft from the base; shorter pilots fly on the backs of condors. Like in Avatar.

Boardman: Okay. It was nice talking to you. I have to go.

Henniwell: I have to fold my laundry anyway. If you want to talk more, I’m here in my parents’ basement 24/7. Say hi to Director Skinner for me!


Trump’s Tax Return Finally Released! Orrrrr Was It?

March 17, 2017

In a much hyped and long winded report Tuesday night, MSNBC host Rachel Maddow presented President Trump’s 2005 federal income tax return to her audience. However, after closer examination, is it really Trumps’ return?

Buddy Myers, a clerk in the office of Forestville CPA Chandler Juliet, says he has a hunch that the 1040 form is a fraud.

According to Mr. Myers the 1040 shown to the public is filled with irregularities and was created by photoshopping numbers, hand-placed date stamps and items of no value from another return onto the supposed Trump return.

Some sections of the return he says show evidence of an Ottendorf Cipher, in which numbers and letters are used to reveal clues about its true origins. Mr. Myers confessed however that he has yet to decode the cipher because he hurt his arm while bowling.

At a press conference about his two day probe into the matter, Myers, who was surrounded by people that mostly nodded their heads and cheered at inopportune times remarked, “It took a long time to produce this return that has no signature, no detail and is redacted. I think this return is a fake, a fraud – a phony if you will. Trump could end the speculation simply, just show the return with all the schedules and it’d be over.”

Fake?

To help him in this endeavor Mr. Myers recruited former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the man who has tried to prove President Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. “This is bigger than the birther thingy or the George W. Bush Texas Air National Guard thingy or the Russia thingy. You’re talking about a president who has never filed tax returns. If he had why won’t he produce them? This guy is not a taxpayer he is a tax delinquent and this forged return proves that.”


Trump’s 2005 Tax Return Made Public

March 16, 2017

President Trump’s 2005 tax returns were made public after secretly being given anonymously to a reporter with MSNBC. It provoked immediate outrage as they showed that Trump obeyed tax laws.

“This shows contempt by President Trump for the traditions of America,” said host Rachel Maddow. “That a rich person would not cheat on his returns is against everything our country holds dear.”

Host Chris Matthews went further. “It’s painfully obvious Trump is following the directive of his Russian paymasters leaked the returns. After all, only a Russian operative would pay his taxes.”

Experts note the envelope holding the returns was postmarked Washington, DC, but it was not clear if it was Washington, DC, America or Washington, DC, Russia. A source familiar with sushi and how Legos work concluded, “This is the first evidence we have that proves Russia groomed Trump to be president as far back as 2005, when I first tasted the LSD rainbow.”


The Serpent and the Rainbow and The Cult of Trump Or Politics Makes Hypocrites of Everyone

March 8, 2017

In the early evening hours as the sun fades from view, dozens of Trump believers gather to assemble a small crude temple in the backyard of a Forestville resident. A ritual, replete with time tested traditions, will soon begin to indoctrinate the latest Trump supporters.

A Shaman enters and begins the initiation or Rada. The ceremony which includes rhythmic drums, chants and spells known as a “trabajo” are cast over the participants lasting many hours. The living spirits of Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, Reince Priebus and High Priestess Kellyanne Conway are invited to envelop the converts.

Two spirits cannot inhabit one body. Therefore, the indoctrinated fall into a trance and their own spirits are cast away so the body, mind and soul can be possessed by the Deity Trump.

With the ritual complete and the realities of the world suspended, the new converts emerge to a post-truth era filled with alternative facts, fake news, lies, conspiracy theories and totalitarianism. The credulous followers go forth and promulgate the word of Trump.

Scientists at Tunxis Community College say the characteristics of the converted resemble a carnival of vacant and lifeless souls possessing no will of their own. However, historians are quick to note that in the 1990s Clinton supporters and unrepentant followers succumbed to a similar fate becoming glassy eyed automatons thus confirming politics makes hypocrites of everyone from time to time.