Alan Boardman Dead

July 7, 2018

Forestville – June 24, 2018, Alan Boardman passed away at his home surrounded by his family, anti-Trump memorabilia and a comfort pony. His doctor said that he died from TDS, Trump Derangement Syndrome.

“What kept him alive this long was his disappointment with our last mayor,” said his wife. “He often said in heaven there are no whites, Blacks, Asians, Christians, Jews, straights, or Republicans, and everyone is treated according to how much of a victim they are and no one keeps score in baseball games.”

His wife added with a tear, “I miss his angry threats against FOX journalists already.”

Boardman is survived by his wife, his famed Eberhard Faber Number 2 pencil and a college-ruled notebook.

In related news today is Saturday.

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Bear Cubs Seperated from Mama Bears at the Bristol and Forestville Borders

June 24, 2018

Black bears have descended upon Forestville and Bristol in record amounts recenlty, according to the Connecticut Department of Energy and Environmental Protection (DEEP).

With an improved economy, better places to eat and a buzz about the city, bears are here in record numbers, DEEP officials said.

However, according to sources, though, the President of the United States decried the influx of black bears into the area during a White House meeting, “These black bears are coming from Burlington, Harwinton, Wolcott and even shithole towns like Terryville.”

Consequently, based on a directive from the Attorney General of the United States, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, DEEP is separating the baby bears from their mothers.

Mr. Sessions ordered a “zero-tolerance policy” for illegal border crossings by bears. That apparently includes prosecuting mama bears traveling with their cubs. Sessions described it as deterrence.

A source familiar with the situation told Boardman, “The cubs are pried from their mothers and shipped to tender age shelters located at the former Bristol Mall Site, the former Armory building and the former Bingham School. The mother bears are sent to the pound and then become quality shawls.”

The White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders invoked random Bible quotes to justify the practice of separating mama bears from their cubs and making them a flimsy piece of clothing stating, “I would cite you Psalm 137:9. ‘Happy those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.’”

And then.

“According to 1 Samuel 15:3 ‘Go, now, attack Amalek, and deal with him and all that he has under the ban. Do not spare him, but kill men and women, children and infants, oxen and sheep, camels and asses.’”

But wait there is more.

“In Deuteronomy 23:10-13 it states, ‘You shall also have a place outside the camp and go out there, and you shall have a spade among your tools, and it shall be that when you sit down outside, you shall dig with it and shall turn to cover up your excrement.’”

Indeed.


Kīlauea Volcano Creates Chaos

May 14, 2018

Markets Swing As Land Shakes
Eruptions from the Kīlauea volcano in Hawaii heated up commodity exchanges. Gold prices skyrocketed while those for lava and magma plummeted. Wall Street traders saw Hawaiian markets flooded with the liquid rock sending people scurrying for the exits.

The Trump administration later announced that they will investigate whether the Pellucidarans of Hollow Earth are driving down prices by dumping lava in the U.S.

A concerned U.S. Chamber of Commerce warned that any retaliatory tariffs could spark a trade war with Pellucidar that would increase prices for consumers and risk the release of giant flying Trodons onto the mainland.

“Pellucidar is an important trading partner,” said a spokesman. “In fact, half of all iPhones sold in the U.S. are assembled by workers there enslaved by the ruling Mahar pterosaurs, in conjunction with Foxconn.”

Emergency Issued
In response to the newest eruptions, a Hawaii Emergency Management Agency official immediately issued to all residents an incoming ballistic missile alert.

Thirty-eight minutes later, they put out an apology for accidentally pressing that button again. They then issued a volcanic eruption alert. This involved standing on the roof of their building and blowing a conch horn to the tune of “Emotional Rescue” by The Rolling Stones.

Real Estate Set to Rebound after Devastation
Local real estate agent Mrs. A’ka’Ook’a’Ow, which means “Smith” in Hawaiian, said the eruptions are creating new housing opportunities.

“The lava is making Leilani Estates a better place to rebuild on. And this time, it will be safe to live there. What are the odds the rifts will erupt again? As we say in Hawaii, ‘No way, Jose!'”

Fast Facts
– Hawaii lies in the Pacific Ocean, also known to President Xi Jin-Ping as the “China Ocean”
– President Obama claims he was born here. Actually he was born in Kenya, a small town in Nebraska
– Just like Star Trek fans made up Klingon, the state made up its own language for the first run of “Hawaii 5-0.” Due to a scriptwriting error, the “Hawaiian” language ended up comically omitting most consonants


Is Russia Investigation Winding Down Or Will Red Sox Regret Trading Roenis Elias?

May 4, 2018

A list of questions Special Counsel Robert Mueller wants to ask the president was leaked all over the press this week. Wetted critics point out that although the counsel is charged with investigating Russian meddling in the 2016 election, none of the questions deal with it. Instead they center on the president’s feelings about topics like James Comey, Michael Flynn, sunsets and Green Day.

His questions include “What was your reaction to news reports on Jan. 12, 2017, and Feb. 8-9, 2017?”, “What flavor of ice cream do you like and why?”, “How does my hair look?” and “Is there life after death?” Many conservative pundits worry the latter question is a perjury trap. Still, Trump may grant an interview request on condition that Kanye West be allowed to translate his answers into a rap.

Ex-FBI head Comey chimed in while assembling an altar to himself. While Trump didn’t “collude” with Russia, Comey suspects he was “in cahoots.” He bases it on an FBI memo that he did not leak but slipped to the press in a non-FBI sanctioned manner.

Republicans complain that Mueller has yet to interview any of the Russians or Democrats his offices alleges are involved. Even the Russian lawyer who met Donald Trump Jr. was upset. Said Natalia Veselnitskaya, “I demand to be investigated, so I get big American tell-all book.”

To date, Mueller has charged 13 Russians for internet fraud, Paul Manafort for improperly declaring income prior to 2015, and several others for inaccurately stating how much money they saved on car insurance with GEICO.

A CNN panel of 72 analysts and a malamute think Mueller’s list shows he is running out of things to investigate. “You have to remember,” said the panelist with the loudest voice, “it comes after an e-mail he sent begging Trump staffers to turn themselves in for a crime, any crime, even mailing letters without sufficient postage.”

The dog added, “Ruh. Ruh. Ruh.”


Trump to Paintings: Go Hang Yourself!

April 21, 2018

Trump signed legislation Tuesday barring the use of taxpayer funds for portraits of federal employees, including that of the president.

Historian Michael Beschloss said in a panic, “If there’s no oil painting of the president, how will we know what he looked like years from now?”

A visitor to the Federal Trade Commission added, “I enjoy seeing images of past and present Deputy Directors of the Bureau of Competition, like Marian Bruno and that other guy and that one over there…”

Art critics decried the move. They pointed to the value of government-commissioned tributes like Gerhard Richter’s “John Kerry Sitting in a Chair,” Jenny Saville’s “Lois Lerner Sitting in a Chair” and Odd Nerdrum’s “Woman Sitting in a Chair While Donald Rumsfeld Fires an M420 at Al Qaeda.”

Argued one critic, “Artists like George W. Bush’s neighbor’s pre-K daughter Milly eloquently capture many important officials for posterity. Who can forget her crayon-and-magic-marker portrait of James P. Walsh, Acting Under Secretary of Commerce for Oceans and Atmosphere and Administrator of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration under President Clinton, sitting in a chair?”

Since 2010, the government has spent almost half a million dollars on paintings – five-thousand more than the budget for the National Gallery of Tiny Hats and double the amount spent on the Senate’s manatee tank. However, the ban does not apply to statues. Funds earmarked by the prior administration will allow sculptor Barbara Gross to complete a Bill Clinton nude.

Said the sculptor as she toweled her saliva off the statue, “I want to share with the world what this great man already shared with many women.”


In Effort to Prove They Believe in Free Trade, China Raises More Obstacles to U.S. Imports

April 5, 2018

Complaining about unreasonable duties and other restrictions China places on U.S. manufacturers, Trump announced duties on select Chinese imports. In response, China raised their tariffs even further. The most concerning for Wall Street were those on soybeans, partially or totally deterred tobacco, undeterred tobacco, and utterly shameless tobacco.

Tariffs will also affect “vehicles equipped with a compression-ignition reciprocating piston internal combustion engine and a drive motor that can be charged by plugging in an external power source.” Exempt are those with equid-driven power systems, also known as “horse-drawn carriages.”

In searching for new imports to tax, China added to the list non-Chinese-speaking camelids, peanuts processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, and wheat-based corn. Said one farmer in Narnia, “This will definitely impact us where for generations, the White Witch let us and the beaver family raise corn from wheat seeds.”

Noted Wall Street alarmist Jed Whooshan was alarmed by the added tariffs on 1,1,1-trichloro-2,2-Bis(4-chlorophenyl)ethane products, primary shaped epoxy resin and odd-shaped bubblegum. In a call to subscribers to his newsletter, he changed his recommendation from buying gold to buying more gold. “The only thing that would change my recommendation,” he said, “is if China allowed in 1,2,1-trichloro-2,2-Bis(4-chlorophenyl)ethane. In which case, investors should buy gold.”

The China-U.S. trade issue mirrors the trade problem plaguing Bristol. In an effort to level the playing field with Southington, the Bristol city council is considering tariffs and leveling their playing field, which is two inches higher at one end. In the crosshairs are imports of apples, female escorts and toys won at booths in the Southington half of Lake Compounce.


Trump Affairs Get News Media Hot and Bothered

March 26, 2018

The world of news was rocked by allegations that an adult film actress and a playboy model had affairs with Trump. A flushed “Sex and the City” star and New York gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon also admitted to secretly referring to Trump as “Mr. Big.”

“This is unseemly,” said a distraught Joy Behar. “No president has ever had an affair in history that I choose to remember.” Meanwhile, President John F. Kennedy’s second grandson twice removed (but who keeps coming back) Jimmy Kennedy sent Trump a congratulatory e-mail.

Nationwide, the polling firm Gallup found the reports led to 70% of men experiencing what Sigmund Freud calls, “president envy.” At the same time, 60% of women report pre-signing up on Amazon for any books on the affairs, especially E.L. James’ upcoming “Fifty States of Grey.”

The opinion of eleven-year-old Chippens Hill student Joshua Reeves reflected that of many men. “I wanted to be James Bond when I grew up. Now I want to be president just like Donald Trump. He gets hotter girls.”

Five-year-old South Side school kindergartner Michael Shturbs was more circumspect as he played on the ground. “I used to want to be president of the Earth. Now I want to be president of the Earth.” He then returned to eating dirt he found by the sandbox.

The effect is not limited to the United States. An international traveler said, “Before Trump, foreign women would make fun of me for being American. Now thanks to Trump, they go wild for me. Thank you, Donald Trump.”

An ex-Secret Service agent under President Obama added, “I now get sex for free in Latin America.”

White House sources confirm that correspondence from U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May now comes drenched in the new naughty Victoria Beckham perfume, “Soccer Tart.” Meanwhile, German Chancellor Angela Merkel started sexting Trump provocative photos of her in guild trousers and safety shoes. She also made him mix tapes of romantic hits by famous oompah bands.

“Whatever way you cut the pizza, the news is a spicy item for us,” said government affairs analyst and pro-Berlusconi dishwasher at Nuchie’s, Salvatore Salvatorio. “It shows to the whole world our country still has the sexy.”