Remember Sebastian Gorka? Try Not to Gasp When You See Him Now!

August 27, 2017

Sebastian Gorka, a fiery counterterrorism guru, no longer works at the White House but he wasn’t fired, or dismissed nor did he resign – he just no longer works there.  According to sources he will most likely take a job with Breitbart News. 

During his tenure at the White House no one knew what his duties were other than to look like someone that would be named Sebastian Gorka.  Those duties will continue at Breitbart.

Sebastian Gorka Gets a Jaw-Dropping Credit Card With a 0% APR Until October 2018

His parting gifts from the Trump administration include a Discover it® – Cashback Match™ card. 

Sebastian Gorka qualified for the card because he has average to excellent credit, which is usually a credit score of 670 or higher. He was thrilled to learn that there are Card perks such as free TransUnion FICO® Score on his monthly statement and lots of fine print that he will never read.

How is Sebastian Gorka Responding to Taylor Swift’s New Song?

Now that Sebastian Gorka is out of a job and away from the White House, one thing everyone wants to know is: What does Sebastian Gorka think of Taylor Swift’s new single? 

Many believed Sebastian Gorka would throw some shade on the tune and say it was “fake” written by “extremists” because he says that about everything. But so far he has remained silent. Associates say Sebastian Gorka has remained silent because….

Connecticut Homeowners Born Before 1985 Get a Big Surprise

Sebastian Gorka was born in October of 1970 so he qualifies for the Home Affordable Refinance Program, which typically saves $4,140 homeowners a year.

Due to his cool new credit card and the new Taylor Swift tune in his head and the money he is saving, Sebastian Gorka will sleep well because…

It is Time For a New Pillow!

Sebastian Gorka deserves to sleep better at night, and there is no easier way than with a Sleepgram pillow.

The Sleepgram Pillow is a revolutionary pillow because not only is it the only pillow on the market that is delivered in a shipping crate, but it is the only pillow on the market that can be folded into thirds.

And this is fantastic news for Sebastian Gorka because…

Advertisements

Fun Has No Place In Tillerson State Department

August 8, 2017

State Department Secretary Rex Tillerson announced that as part of budget-cutting, fun stuff will no longer be permitted. For instance, the department will no longer have a standing order Hasbro Leaders-Of-The-World® bobble-head dolls for new employees. Even worse, major cuts are expected at the information and amusement park, State Departmentland.

Visitors negotiating entry will be disappointed by the lack of implementation of the “It’s a Small World” boat ride, Mr. Kerry’s Moderately Tepid Ride and Strategic Patience Mountain, where people wait for hours in cars on a rollercoaster for the ride to start. The animatronic Hall of State Department Persons will be closed, as well as the popular live shows, “State Department Musical” and “Seward’s Follies.” However, Sanctions Cafe and Protocol Island will still be open for the cautiously “adventurous.” And as always, guests can get a U.N. resolution named after a loved one for a nominal fee.

Across Compliance Square where a man dressed in a Hans Blix costume checks visitors’ bags for WMDs, the Henry Kissinger Theater is suspending hourly showings of “State Department of the Future.” The film shot in glorious 2D depicts how advances in jargon and red tape will complicate diplomacy in exciting new ways. It also previews the use of “space shuttle diplomacy.”

Despite these changes, holders of season passes will not be eligible for refunds. The Washington Post says women and minorities will be hurt the most. Women and Minorities Magazine says children and puppies will be hurt more. Tillerson could not be reached for comment as to why he hates children and puppies.

Less Money For Treasury?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin is contemplating similar belt-tightening moves. One possible change is an end to the policy of free banknotes to visitors.

Cuts are further projected in the number of engravers, which will result in bills having fewer serial numbers. The expensive ink used to print them will be replaced by green Sharpies and the portraits of the presidents will be substituted with easier-to-draw stick figures.


General John Kelly Takes Command of White House Staff

July 31, 2017

So much happened in the White House lately that Boardman has not had time to cover it all. Therefore, we did not cover any of it. That is until the new White House Chief of Staff, General John Kelly called and told us to.

The replacement for Reince Priebus says he is focused on bringing order to the White House, starting with whipping the staff into shape.

“We fall in for inspection at five each morning,” said one Joe Smelton, Assistant to the Deputy Cabinet Secretary’s Assistant. “We do thirty minutes of calisthenics and march five laps around the White House double time holding up our pens and saying, ‘This is my pen. This is my gun.’ I don’t know what’s happening. Am I supposed to shoot someone with my pen?”

Once-a-week drills are held to keep up staff preparedness for emergencies, like running out of ink when printing out Obamacare regulations. In one drill designed to help them sneak past reporters, personnel crawl through drink spills in the hall while Kelly fires a staple gun over their heads.

A second staffer who tearfully begged to remain anonymous whispered, “He calls us ‘maggots’ and ‘dirtbags.’ I told him I don’t have dirt of any kind on me – I wash a lot. So he puts me on latrine duty!” The staffer, First Assistant to the Assistant Margaret Schaeffer, says Yale never prepared her for this sort of treatment.

“He asked, ‘Do you like me?’ When I said, ‘Yes, sir!’ he said, ‘I’m not your boyfriend. Drop and give me ten.’ So I had to get on the floor and write ten memos. This never happened on ‘West Wing.'”

Other punishments include KP duty and detention in the brig, which used to be the White House Map Room. One staffer was busted to Assistant Second Class for not having a military tuck.

A third staffer who paid us to not reveal his name (hint, hint, Margaret) reminisced. “I miss Reince. He was quiet. Spent most of his time working on the president’s schedule and hiding from Anthony Scaramucci.”

A veteran Secret Service agent who threatened us if we revealed his name was fine with Kelly’s new routine. “It’s better than when Bill and Hillary were here. Hillary would have us sort out the green M&Ms – then throw them at us!”

Meanwhile, Democrat Representative Barbara Lee complained that having a general in the White House will militarize the place. Relatives of Presidents Eisenhower, Grant and Washington could not be reached for a response.


Where is Ivanka?

July 29, 2017

Ivanka Trump is reported to have a calming influence on her father, the President of the United States. However, as the White House concluded another chaotic day Friday with the firing of Reince Priebus, Ivanka Trump is missing.

Consequently, according to the Center for Missing Persons, a Silver Alert was issued for the 35 year-old, former model, former shoe designer and current assistant to the president.

Ms. Trump also went missing when her father pulled the United States out of the Paris Climate Agreement; and when her father accused President Obama of wiretapping, and when he taunted the Mayor of London and when he verbally attacked the Attorney General of the United States, and Mika Brzezinski and the intelligence community aaaaand –

Staffers in the West Wing came together with a candlelight vigil late Friday night hoping she would return and bring rational thinking to her father.

No other details are available at this hour.


Boardman Attended Trump Jr Meeting With Russians

July 21, 2017

All the Presidents Men

Every day the guest list at Donald Trump Jr’s., meeting from last summer with Russian officials connected to the Kremlin, who promised damaging information about Hillary Clinton, continues to grow.

Therefore, in the interest of full disclosure, Boardman is prepared to disclose that a Boardman representative attended the meeting as well.

Who attended the meeting?

The meeting included the then-campaign manager Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, Rob Goldstone and a bunch of Russians who were really annoying because their names were difficult if not impossible to pronounce.

How did Boardman get invited?

Boardman attended the meeting at the behest of Mr. Manafort who is a regular reader of the Boardman site and interested in all things Forestville.

What was discussed?

It was difficult to understand what was discussed because everyone was speaking Russian.

What did Boardman do at the meeting?

During the meeting Boardman sampled the Russian tea cakes, which were readily available, the Russian vodka that was offered by Mr. Manafort and the Borscht that was plentiful and served hot.

What were the takeaways?

Russian tea cakes are overrated, Russian vodka smells like rubbing alcohol, and why would anyone eat borscht?


Mueller To Expand Probe Into Possible Russ… Zzzzzz

July 21, 2017

Anonymous leaks to an anonymous paper reveal that Special Counsel Robert Mueller has expanded his probe into something, which other leakers say involve President Trump’s campaign doing something with Russia, Trump obstructing justice somehow, or the Chicago Cubs’ comeback in the World Series.

The probe now focuses on all transactions the president ever had with anyone whose name ends in “-sky” or “-ov.” One person of interest is Dmitri Garov, owner of a seedy bird food business.

Garov allegedly bought what is characterized as “an unusual quantity” of lemonade from the lemonade stand Trump ran when he was seven. Unknown sources say Trump’s second-grade teacher Mrs. Garrett, his neighbor Mrs. Kravitz and members of his favorite show, The Monkees, have all been subpoenaed. The Monkees have also been ordered to play a full set for the investigators.

Subpoenaed

Band member Michael Nesmith told reporters he is shocked that Mueller would suspect them of involvement in a Russian plot. “People say we monkey around, but we’re too busy singing to put anybody down.”

Worries that Russia is buying influence in American politics raised by many Democrats including Nancy Pelosi, Bernie Sanders and Karl Marx as well as Bill Clinton during a speech he gave for the Russian embassy. Said House Intelligence Committee member Adam Schiff, “We must get to the bottom of this. If we don’t find anything, we must get to the top and then go back down to the bottom.”

Asked to comment, local mad scientist Rick Sanchez was turned down.


U.S.-France Relationship Rocked by Trump’s Testy Call With President Macron

July 15, 2017

Early in the Donald Trump presidency, leaks of partial content of phone calls between the president and world leaders became big headlines. Boardman is proud to announce it too now has the partial content of a phone call between Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron, thanks to an anonymous leaker named Jacques Aurevoir.

The following was a call placed by Macron from his quarters in the Élysée Palace to Trump in the American embassy about ten at night, following dinner at the Eiffel Tower with their wives, Melania and Brigitte.

Macron: Hi, Don. So, what are you doing now?

Trump: Same thing I was doing fifteen minutes ago when you last called. Writing an executive order for a border wall with California.

Macron:: You want to come over and play Xbox? I just got “Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare.”

Trump: Not now.

Macron: How about in an hour?

Trump: Maybe another time.

Macron: Okay… Hey, you like crepes? There’s a great crepe cart around the corner. We could go eat some crepes and ride horses after.

Trump: Really, I need to finish this order and…

(Sound of Brigitte in background)

Macron: Oh, I have to go. It’s my bedtime. See you tomorrow, okay?

Trump: Sure.

Macron: Promise?

Trump: Yes. Yes, I promise.

Macron: Cool! I want to show you my Spider-Man comic book collection. Then a parade with army men and jeeps and guns and big planes! – And they do anything I want them to! It’ll be so amazing! A demain!