Bear Cubs Seperated from Mama Bears at the Bristol and Forestville Borders

June 24, 2018

Black bears have descended upon Forestville and Bristol in record amounts recenlty, according to the Connecticut Department of Energy and Environmental Protection (DEEP).

With an improved economy, better places to eat and a buzz about the city, bears are here in record numbers, DEEP officials said.

However, according to sources, though, the President of the United States decried the influx of black bears into the area during a White House meeting, “These black bears are coming from Burlington, Harwinton, Wolcott and even shithole towns like Terryville.”

Consequently, based on a directive from the Attorney General of the United States, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, DEEP is separating the baby bears from their mothers.

Mr. Sessions ordered a “zero-tolerance policy” for illegal border crossings by bears. That apparently includes prosecuting mama bears traveling with their cubs. Sessions described it as deterrence.

A source familiar with the situation told Boardman, “The cubs are pried from their mothers and shipped to tender age shelters located at the former Bristol Mall Site, the former Armory building and the former Bingham School. The mother bears are sent to the pound and then become quality shawls.”

The White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders invoked random Bible quotes to justify the practice of separating mama bears from their cubs and making them a flimsy piece of clothing stating, “I would cite you Psalm 137:9. ‘Happy those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.’”

And then.

“According to 1 Samuel 15:3 ‘Go, now, attack Amalek, and deal with him and all that he has under the ban. Do not spare him, but kill men and women, children and infants, oxen and sheep, camels and asses.’”

But wait there is more.

“In Deuteronomy 23:10-13 it states, ‘You shall also have a place outside the camp and go out there, and you shall have a spade among your tools, and it shall be that when you sit down outside, you shall dig with it and shall turn to cover up your excrement.’”

Indeed.

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Pat Robertson Says ‘Forestville’s Potholes are Punishment from God’

March 3, 2018

Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson stated Friday that Forestville’s pothole issue is a message from God.

“God created all of these potholes because the traffic light at Washington Street and Central Street is still broken,” Robertson said Thursday on his TV program “The 700 Club.” “God wants functioning lights and when he does not get them he creates potholes.”

The traffic box was destroyed in an accident several months ago and must be completely replaced, but according to Robertson, God is still upset. “How long does it take to fix a box? In Ephesians 5:6 tells us, ‘Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.’”

Pat Robertson is a cranky old man who makes a living asking people to give him money for absolution.

Washington Street and Central Street are two roads that intersect and have nothing in common.

This sentence was written for absolutely no reason. However, this sentence was written on the orders of a celestial entity.


Bristol Republicans Do Exorcism

December 6, 2017

Following the results of the recent 2017 Municipal Election, which saw Bristol’s Republicans surprisingly lose every council seat but one and the mayor’s office too, Bristol Republicans did an exorcism of the City of Bristol.

Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Town Committee, said they needed to rid Bristol of evil spirits, which clearly took possession of the voters on Election night. “What else can explain their landslide victory?” he asked. “I have come to learn the Demon can control a voter’s mind, a voter’s soul and a voter’s vote too. Who knew?”

The exorcism was held in the basement of St. Joseph’s Church by Fr. Luciano who wore a Medieval-looking red tunic designed by Ralph Lauren. As the exorcism moved along the City of Bristol yelled out insults and blasphemies such as, “Connecting the dots!’ and “Censure!” while it writhed around on the floor and howled like a wolf. Fr. Luciano countered by saying the Hail Mary and the Lord’s Prayer (Extended Version) in broken Italian, while using conservative amounts of Holy Water.

While the ritual played out Mr. Caggiano whispered to Boardman, “If the exorcism doesn’t work we will read from the Necronomicon, do Gregorian chants – whatever it takes.”

Asked if he thought the exorcism was successful Mr. Caggiano remarked, “Ask me that in 2019.”

Boardman

For Nikki


Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.


April 17, 2017

Probing The Rise Of Religious-Related Vice In Bristol

Residents of Davis Drive are complaining about an increasing number of streetwalkers in the neighborhood. The streetwalkers, dressed in white shirt, tie and slacks and carrying Bibles, hang on the corner, waiting to be picked up. Johns who do, drive them to shady alleyways where the streetwalkers then perform religious acts on them, like baptisms, exorcisms or recitations of Bible verses.

One local, Jimmy “Two-Dollar Bill” Samson complained how this activity is causing the whole neighborhood to go uphill. “Ten last night, I was doing a drug deal when I hear folks outside in a parked car praising Jesus. Tell me how can I get deals done with that racket?”

A Tale Of Heartbreak And Betrayal
Most johns prefer anonymous sacraments, fearing others will find out they believe in God. Vice squad policeman Martin Martinmartin recounted, “The other day we picked up an ACLU board member for solicitation of a preacher. When even atheists are paying for spiritual relief in the middle of the night, you know the problem is out of control.”

One distraught spouse would not speak to us on the record. So we used a hidden microphone.

“Ken (what she called her husband thinking no one would know his real name, Nick Fisher) called to say he had to work late. Then go see a prostitute. But I find out instead he took part in a Bible study orgy.” She teared up. “He told me last month the ash on his forehead came from a fight with a 19th-Century chimney sweep! How could I have been so blind?”

Many Streetwalkers Come
Many streetwalkers come from the Midwest, hoping to make it big in Bristol. Instead, they end up selling their religious services and sermons to survive. Some even lose their addiction to drugs.

“We recently busted a reverend who pimped street preachers out,” Officer Martinmartin said. “In return, he got a cut of the offerings to buy a fancy statue for his church. Disgusting!”

Boardman Accompanied The
Boardman accompanied the officer during a raid on an area strip club where more than bare flesh was on the menu. After Boardman paid for a few lap dances, the police arrested three women for proselytization, which carries a minimum sentence of three Hail Marys and one Our Father.

What
What is next for the city?

Martinmartin summed up their efforts. “In the past year, we shut down two seedy flophouses of prayer. We need to send a clear message that God has no place on the streets of Bristol.”

Also On Boardman:
– NASA Finds Galaxy That Looks Like Geraldo Rivera
– Archeologists Uncover Evidence Ancient Mayans Ate Food
– April On Track To Be Dewiest Month On Record
– World’s Second Oldest Person Cheers Death Of World’s Oldest Person: “Now Who’s Number One?”


The Serpent and the Rainbow and The Cult of Trump Or Politics Makes Hypocrites of Everyone

March 8, 2017

In the early evening hours as the sun fades from view, dozens of Trump believers gather to assemble a small crude temple in the backyard of a Forestville resident. A ritual, replete with time tested traditions, will soon begin to indoctrinate the latest Trump supporters.

A Shaman enters and begins the initiation or Rada. The ceremony which includes rhythmic drums, chants and spells known as a “trabajo” are cast over the participants lasting many hours. The living spirits of Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, Reince Priebus and High Priestess Kellyanne Conway are invited to envelop the converts.

Two spirits cannot inhabit one body. Therefore, the indoctrinated fall into a trance and their own spirits are cast away so the body, mind and soul can be possessed by the Deity Trump.

With the ritual complete and the realities of the world suspended, the new converts emerge to a post-truth era filled with alternative facts, fake news, lies, conspiracy theories and totalitarianism. The credulous followers go forth and promulgate the word of Trump.

Scientists at Tunxis Community College say the characteristics of the converted resemble a carnival of vacant and lifeless souls possessing no will of their own. However, historians are quick to note that in the 1990s Clinton supporters and unrepentant followers succumbed to a similar fate becoming glassy eyed automatons thus confirming politics makes hypocrites of everyone from time to time.


Forestville Cult Seeks Members

January 31, 2017

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Primal Void, a Forestville based cult, is soliciting applicants for membership this month, according to their spokesperson and leader Altair.

Altair, also known as Bucky Weaver, is the owner of Bucky’s Pawnshop on Broad Street (open 9-5 daily except Sunday) when not the hypersensitive and arrogant head of the cult. He said new followers must be open to ritualistic abuse, coerced confessions, manipulation and take shorthand.

“I am not a god or a deity or even demigod. I am just your average run of the mill cult leader who demands obedience and loyalty from his followers and is intolerant of criticism,” Altair remarked.

Primal Void’s aim is to attract new followers especially women into their isolated world. They will have the opportunity to be manipulated, controlled and mentally enslaved personally by Altair. “We were voted ‘#1 Cult To Join’ by Connecticut Lifestyles and won the Readers’ Choice award for cults in Connecticut Magazine’s ‘Best of Connecticut’ issue.” At least that is what it says on their brochure anyway.

The cult compound has meditation rooms decorated in a Bauhaus minimalist style where new initiates can silently reflect while listening to prerecorded tapes over the loudspeaker. For their convenience, doors are locked from the outside.

Bucky err Altair, said if residents do not want to join they can help preserve Forestville’s only cult by making a cash contribution.

Speaking at a cult workshop Altair told the gathered crowd, “The vast majority of fundraising for cults takes place by members turning over their assets and from donors like you. Your generous gift sponsors everything we do like mind manipulation, shamming and control. It opens worlds and is amazing.”