Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.

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Google Wrecks Bristol

May 7, 2017

A test of Google’s Waymo autonomously driven vehicles in Bristol resulted in the cars crashing into each other around 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon. Police were immediately dispatched to the scene to make fun of the wreck.

According to police, one self-driving car broadsided the other after being distracted by a curvy inflatable air dancer by an auto dealership.

The slow-moving crash sent one onboard computer to the hospital. The other was released after completing a concussion protocol. However, they both face charges of texting while driving, e-mailing while driving and generally being a computer while driving.

One Google spokesman at their San Francisco-area headquarters would not comment specifically on the incident, but did remark how he loves quinoa breakfast tacos.

Another, more helpful spokesman said, “We learn from each accident. Last year when a Waymo went up onto a train trestle and spontaneously exploded, we realized cars should not drive on railroad tracks. When one exploded after parking in front of a fire hydrant, we determined that cars should not park illegally. Another time, a bear stopped our vehicle without it exploding and dragged it into a cave for the winter. Bears are pretty mean.”

Mrs. Kaylee Henderson, 73, has her own complaint. She left Cornerstone Church after a particularly exciting sermon on Biblical laundry when she got stuck behind a Waymo traveling at about five miles an hour. “No car should go that slow in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone,” she said. “It should travel as fast as I do – seven, ten miles an hour.”

Google expects there to be no more incidents with their self-driving cars. These tests will lead up to their next experiment – self-walking dogs.


Ire As Route 6 Widening Starts

April 11, 2017

Route 6

Dr. Edwin Lister is upset about the beginning of work on expansion of Route 6. The archaeologist was prepping for a new dig by the roadside when workers shut him down.

Dr. Lister worries that an important archaeological site will be destroyed. He discussed the discoveries he has already made that suggest the presence of man in Bristol long before man showed up.

“In last year’s dig, I discovered a rock that dates back 50,000 years and another that dates back farther. One you can see was used as a writing implement to message other tribes or work on the daily crossword.”

He points to another artifact – a long rock that may represent a primitive skateboard or a tongue depressor for a pet bear. His group also found the skeletal remains of a squirrel that he says was hit by a speeding canoe.

His team is composed of himself and young Jimmy Joseph. Jimmy is a 120-pound freshman in high school and consequently does the digging and heavy lifting.

Dr. Lister himself was formerly at Yale until being fired for his proposal that the Pequots worked a tomahawk-running operation for the Mohegans. And because he set fire to the Yale mascot.

Now the ex-professor raises his own money to cover the cost of digs. Last fall he had Jimmy roam the streets of Hartford holding a sign that read, “Will Dig For Money.” He also sells Indian artifacts when no one is looking. Despite the number of times Jimmy has ended up in jail for this, the team’s enthusiasm is undiminished.

“I hope the State will delay this project until we can complete our dig,” said Dr. Lister. “I believe we are very close to uncovering a massive grave site as well as the small dinosaurs this Paleo-Indian population rode.”

OTHER STORIES
* Drought Officially Over – Protestors Told To Go Home
* Bristol Reservoir Now 98% Full, Others See It As 2% Empty
* Driver Smashes Tree To Kick Off National Distracted Driving Awareness Month
* Local Students Cheer Expanded Recess Time With Teacher Layoffs


Motorist Turns Right on Red No Injuries Reported

April 2, 2017

No injuries were reported Sunday afternoon when a car turned right on red in Forestville near the vicinity of Pine Street.

Eyewitnesses identified the driver as Melanie Merkell, a middle-aged woman who lives alone with two cats and a nondescript fern, and is currently being treated for arthritis. Ms. Merkell stopped her late-model Acura at a red light at approximately 2:33 PM., and after seeing no approaching traffic made a right hand turn with minimal risk. She arrived home shortly after navigating her way through a series of driving maneuvers.

Ms. Merkel declined to comment about her commute, her cats or her fern.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.


Presidential Vote Not the Only Item on the Ballot Tuesday

November 3, 2016

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The presidential and local elections are not the only items on the ballot in Bristol/Forestville Tuesday. Several questions will also be put to voters:

1. Should city councilors remain residents of the council seat they were elected to?
2. When motorized vehicles are stopped at a red traffic light, should they be allowed to turn left on red when the way is clear or if they are in a hurry?
3. Should the requirement that police chief be a resident of Bristol be eliminated?
4. Should the requirement that police chief be a homo sapien be eliminated?
5. Eliminate the requirement that the fire chief become a resident of Bristol within 6 months of his appointment
6. Eliminate the requirement that the town crier become a resident of Bristol within 6 months of his appointment by the city chamberlain
7. Should visitors in City Hall only use the stairs for descending?
8. Shall the form of government in Bristol be changed from a mayor-council system to one run by an ethnically diverse wizard or sorcerer?
9. CONNECTICUT CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT (PROPOSITION 1) The constitutional amendment providing for the use and dedication of certain money transferred to the state highway fund to assist in the completion of transportation construction, maintenance, and the governor’s vacation house in the Hamptons, not to include toll roads.

10. CITY OF BRISTOL BOND PROPOSITION, PROPOSITION 1 The issuance of $6,000,000 bonds and notes for rail systems, facilities and infrastructure, including a fixed rail transit system, wishing well and apple cart to be operated by Capital Metropolitan Transportation Authority Inc.,(which may spend its funds to build, operate and maintain such system) servicing the Bristol Corridor, Forestville Station and surrounding communities and neighborhoods, and roadway improvements related to such rail systems, facilities, port-o-lets and infrastructure including topiaries and artificial plants dotting the landscape; provided that the City may not issue bonds or notes to pay costs of the fixed rail transit system (other than expenditures for planning, designing and engineering necessary to obtain grant and/or match funding) unless (i) the City obtains grant or match finding for the cost of the fixed rail transit system from the Federal Transit Administration or one or more other federal or state sources and (ii) the City provides funding in an amount not less than $400,000,000 to pay costs of roadway improvement projects of regional significance that are designed to relieve congestion, enhance mobility and manage traffic in the I-84, US 6, Route 72, Route 229, RM 2222, FM 734, LMNOP, Memorial Boulevard corridor; and the levy of a tax sufficient to pay for the bonds and notes.

Note: Funds received from Derived indirect tax revenues, versus Imposed non-exchange revenues and Government-mandated non-exchange transactions, should not be at the expense of Voluntary non-exchange transactions and their assets unless resources are provided at the state or local government level by mandate.

Explanation of Proposition 1: Voters will decide whether or not to authorize the city to borrow $600 million toward the cost of a $1 billion, rail system and roadway. The ballot language includes two conditions: (1) the rail project could commence only after the Bristol City Council commits to an additional $400 million for road projects on highways of “regional significance,” such as I-84, US 6, and Route 72; as directed in Section 6 of the proposal and (2) the city won’t build the urban rail line unless the Federal Transit Administration or other state or federal agency agrees to match what the city puts into the project as shown in Section 7(a) iii. If approved, the line would open for service on or about 2022 or at another time in the future. Resulting debt payments would likely increase the total tax bill on a $200,000 home by $217 per year, according to city officials. The city would own the rail line, wishing well and apple cart and they would be operated by Capital Metropolitan Transportation Authority Inc. and or a subsidiary thereof.


City Considers Moving the West End to Northeast and Vice Versa

August 22, 2016
The West End

The West End

Currently the Connecticut Department of Transportation and the City of Bristol have plans to realign the West End. It would cost several million dollars and could be completed by 2019. However, another plan not being discussed publicly would take more than a decade and cost billions.

In a highly controversial project, the DOT in partner with the City of Bristol would move the West End as is to the Northeast section of town, and move the Northeast section to the West End.

To move every building, home, park, gas station, ball field, church, school and swimming pool would be a massive undertaking, but planners believe it is the only way to get everyone to stop complaining and restore the area to the post-war period where it saw substantial growth and development. “By swapping the sections of the city all the problems real and perceived will go away,” remarked a resident that supports the idea.

Officials say the project would be consumed by cost overruns, design flaws, fraud, kick-backs, conflicts of interest and inflation, but it will be well worth it because it will create jobs, growth and social interaction. Said one DOT official, “If it doesn’t work we can always move everything back.”

Boardman
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Forestville Resident Makes it Through 4 Way Intersection “Okay”

August 11, 2016

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Bernadette Warwick was driving westbound on Redstone Hill Road on her way home from work late Wednesday. In the distance she keenly noted a four way stop sign. Knowing the importance of stopping she began the process of slowing her motor vehicle.

Upon reaching the four way intersection simultaneously with other automobiles, she brought her car to a complete halt. Looking in all directions she yielded the right-of-way to the cars to her right so they could proceed.

Patiently, with restless driver’s behind her eager to go carry on with their commute, Miss Warwick did not inch forward. She waited and waited and waited. Agonizing seconds seemed like minutes but her patience was rewarded when it became her turn to go.

Looking left and then right and then left again, Warwick gently applied the accelerator and went through the intersection successfully at a modest rate of speed. No injuries were reported.

Following her brush with tension, Miss Warwick arrived home and is currently resting.