Pat Robertson Says ‘Forestville’s Potholes are Punishment from God’

March 3, 2018

Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson stated Friday that Forestville’s pothole issue is a message from God.

“God created all of these potholes because the traffic light at Washington Street and Central Street is still broken,” Robertson said Thursday on his TV program “The 700 Club.” “God wants functioning lights and when he does not get them he creates potholes.”

The traffic box was destroyed in an accident several months ago and must be completely replaced, but according to Robertson, God is still upset. “How long does it take to fix a box? In Ephesians 5:6 tells us, ‘Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.’”

Pat Robertson is a cranky old man who makes a living asking people to give him money for absolution.

Washington Street and Central Street are two roads that intersect and have nothing in common.

This sentence was written for absolutely no reason. However, this sentence was written on the orders of a celestial entity.

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Again With the Tolls?

February 24, 2018

Governor Dannel P. Malloy is once again proposing electronic tolling on Connecticut highways so the transportation fund won’t go insolvent.

Mr. Malloy has requested tolls numerous times during his tenure, but they were never taken seriously as they were only met with giggles, chuckles and guffaws by anyone that could breathe. As a result, the governor made his recent announcement surrounded by large men wielding baseball bats and clubs.

A recent poll showed that 90% of people who don’t live in Connecticut support the proposed toll booths.

“Ja, it sounds real yum yum,” said one pollee in Copenhagen.

Malloy said tolls are wildly popular, especially amongst Connecticut residents that do not drive. “Connecticut will continue to lead the country in coming up with creative and diverse ways of taxation,” he added.

The governor made it known that he believes the tolls will be very attractive, and supported by the populace. Consequently, he will propose before leaving office expanding the tolls to include the state’s bike paths, golf cart paths and the Tunxis Blue Trail.

Frequent Malloy critic House Minority Leader Themis Klarides, wearing a nice red blazer and charcoal pants, had no comment instead she choose to frown and squint her eyes at Boardman.


Art Critics Not Wowed by Route 6 Construction Debris

January 30, 2018

Art critics are disappointed with the construction debris left behind on Route 6 so far.

Local critic Patricia “Penny” Hammerwhite took an instant dislike. “This debris is predictable and so asymmetrical. Stone, debris and miscellaneous garbage. That’s it. In this postmodern contemporary era that don’t work. This project looks like it wants its mommy.”

Holland Cotter, co-chief art critic of The New York Times is equally disturbed, “If you are into mediocrity this is for you. Thus far the debris is bourgeois and so nouveau riche. I can’t believe I said nouveau riche. How low have I sunk?”

According to DOT the road is expected to cost 13 million dollars and be completed in November of 2018.

For Ms. Hammerwhite that’s too long. “We have 10 more months of this? I hope the debris left behind in the coming weeks and months doesn’t continue to be uninspiring, unsophisticated, industrial and urban. Ugh! How about some Neo-Impressionism garbage?”


City Providing Counseling For Drivers Affected by Route 6 Traffic Jams

October 14, 2017

The city of Bristol is providing psychological services for motorists who can no longer handle the traffic congestion on Route 6.

The facility where the sessions take place, ironically, is located on Route 6 near Shop Rite Plaza; the heart of the current construction.

Motorist Bill Draper said having someone to talk to about the construction and the traffic snarls is important. “I have learned that the traffic jams are not out there to get me personally. I have learned they are out there to get everyone!”

The city has eight counselors on hand and more are expected as the traffic delays will continue until November of 2018.

In response to the traffic congestion, a Route 6 support group was created as well by dissatisfied citizens.

They meet every 2nd Tuesday of the month at the Jersey barriers near Britton Road. The group provides an opportunity for members to vent, drink coffee and vent.

Last week they erected a new sign at the Farmington/Bristol border that reads, “WELCOME TO BRISTOL, EXPECT DELAYS.”


Forestville Man Crosses Pine Street, No One Injured – City to Investigate

October 9, 2017

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using the aid of a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street around mid-day last Tuesday and no one was injured, according to police.

City officials were alarmed that Larry made his way through the intersection while the light was still green, which is in violation of the law. Since the incident became public knowledge, the Forestville law firm of Porkman and Swine was hired to investigate the matter by the city.

Porkman and Swine

At a press conference late Saturday Porkman and Swine detailed their plans for the investigation, “How did Limping Larry cross that street without the aid of the crosswalk? Did he have help? If so, who and why? Was there collusion? Right now we don’t know but what we do know is that’s not an easy road to cross when you have a limp.”

The investigation will be lengthy and the report never made available to the public nor checked for typos or inaccuracies.

Related Stories

Limping Larry Apologizes to the Traffic Division for his Lack of Judgement
Traffic Division Shy’s Away from Media Spotlight
Who are Porkman and Swine?
Who is Limping Larry?
Why do People Limp?
Is there a Cure for Limping?

Who Invented the Question Mark?
Why are There so Many Questions but so Few Answers?


Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.


Google Wrecks Bristol

May 7, 2017

A test of Google’s Waymo autonomously driven vehicles in Bristol resulted in the cars crashing into each other around 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon. Police were immediately dispatched to the scene to make fun of the wreck.

According to police, one self-driving car broadsided the other after being distracted by a curvy inflatable air dancer by an auto dealership.

The slow-moving crash sent one onboard computer to the hospital. The other was released after completing a concussion protocol. However, they both face charges of texting while driving, e-mailing while driving and generally being a computer while driving.

One Google spokesman at their San Francisco-area headquarters would not comment specifically on the incident, but did remark how he loves quinoa breakfast tacos.

Another, more helpful spokesman said, “We learn from each accident. Last year when a Waymo went up onto a train trestle and spontaneously exploded, we realized cars should not drive on railroad tracks. When one exploded after parking in front of a fire hydrant, we determined that cars should not park illegally. Another time, a bear stopped our vehicle without it exploding and dragged it into a cave for the winter. Bears are pretty mean.”

Mrs. Kaylee Henderson, 73, has her own complaint. She left Cornerstone Church after a particularly exciting sermon on Biblical laundry when she got stuck behind a Waymo traveling at about five miles an hour. “No car should go that slow in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone,” she said. “It should travel as fast as I do – seven, ten miles an hour.”

Google expects there to be no more incidents with their self-driving cars. These tests will lead up to their next experiment – self-walking dogs.