Forestville Easter Egg Hunt Goes Awry

April 1, 2018

The 2018 Forestville Easter Egg Hunt put on by the Elks Lodge attracted more than 125 youngsters to Rockwell Park Saturday, which was odd since the event was held at Peck Park officials said.

Organizers stated it was a festive atmosphere but the egg hunt was plagued with fighting, lost eggs, chaos and general anarchy.

For 3-year-old Cassidy Bernick it was her first Easter egg hunt and she was really looking forward to it. The results however were disappointing because she did not find any eggs. Her mother Jane said, “We put ourselves in a hole early in the hunt when Cassidy wandered off the course. It did not help matters when she bonked that (Bennie) Joppers kid in the head with her basket.”

Young Melanie Harper struggled too. A seasoned veteran of two years she made what could be called a rookie mistake when she bit Timmy Norstrom’s ear.

Vladimir Myshkin proved to be very formidable at finding eggs. It was later learned that Vladimir, who post hunt tests showed he had taken illegal levels of performance enhancing drugs in this case sugar.

He was forced to turn over his eggs and received a year suspension by the World Anti-Doping Agency. He joins Lance Armstrong as the only people banned from Easter egg hunts.

Attacked

The Easter Bunny was there too and he was not impervious to controversy. Several mothers felt he was showing favoritism to certain children. Consequently the 6ft tall bunny, made of pink polyester and satin, was attacked and thrown to the ground and repeatedly punched and kicked and spanked by a group of mothers gone rogue. Police later told Boardman, “It then got weird.”

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Bristol Blues Announce 2018 Promotional Dates

March 22, 2018

Yesterday, the Bristol Blues announced their promotional schedule for the 2018 season, which features several unique gimmicks to entice fans to the ballpark. A quick review shows last year’s much hated “Prohibition Night” was annexed, which will make fans and beer venders happy.

Below is a partial list of the 2018 promotion dates. Additional dates could be added and will be reported here should they become available.

Friday June 8, Political Correctness Night

The Blues kick off their promotional events with Political Correctness Night! It will be a night of baseball, fun and neutral words.

For example, the first baseman will be referred to as the first base person. Likewise, for the second base person and the third base person too.

Errors will not be recorded in the scorebook and instead they will be referred to as a “Deficiency Achievement”.

The “batboy’ will be known as the bat retrieval person.

Booing or rather “alternate cheering” will not be allowed.

All players and fans alike will receive participation trophies at the conclusion of the game.

Saturday June 23, Doomsday Prepper Night

When the world comes to an end why not be prepared? As a result, the first 100 fans to buy soda will receive a Bristol Blues Doomsday Prepper Bug Out Bag!

Each bug out bag includes a hand crank radio, MRE’s, a colorful gas mask, powdered water, 2 Potassium Iodide Tablets and a Bristol Blues Foam Finger.

Saturday July 7, Non-disclosure Agreement Night

All fans attending the game must sign a Non-disclosure agreement (NDA). Fans can watch the game and enjoy the game, but with the NDA in place they are strictly prohibited from discussing or disseminating any information about the game unless they receive written consent of the Bristol Blues, the FCBL or Major League Baseball.

Saturday July 21, TSA Pat-down Night

That’s right every fan over the age of 21 coming through the gates will be subjected to an “enhanced” TSA Pat-down like they are on a government watch list. The civil liberties and legal groping issues will take place at all entrances and food and souvenir lines as well.

Questions like “Can you do that again?” or “What are you doing later” will not be viewed as “funny.”

Attendance is expected to be well below average for the evening.

Friday July 27, Second Amendment Night

Join the Blues Friday July 27th at Second Amendment Night! Every fan over the age of 18 will receive a copy of the Second Amendment courtesy of the Bristol Gun Club. It is all there, “A well regulated Militia,” blah, blah, blah. You know the words. Well, at least the first part anyway.

Also, included is Federalist No. 46, a metal ammo case and some thoughts and prayers too just in case.

The Bristol Blues are a member of the Futures Collegiate Baseball League of New England and play at Muzzy Field.

That’s it I am done.


FBI Announces Crackdown on Kickball Graft

February 26, 2018

– UN Hails It as Major Step Toward Middle East Peace
– FBI Launches Probe on UN Stealing Spotlight in Kickball Article
– UN Head: “Then We’ll Have A No-Confidence Vote on the FBI”
– These Stories Do Not Appear in Boardman Kickball Article

The FBI announced a 42-count indictment against fifth-grader Nicholas “Nick” Gufferson, a.k.a. SuperGuff42 on Xbox. Gufferson is charged with paying nursery school kids with star kickball potential to commit to Bristol’s Hubbell Elementary School.

The bubblegum-blowing Hubbell student was a fixture at kickball talent factories like Pluto’s Place and Carrier Learning Center. There he would make lavish promises to strong-footed students, such as full scholarships and free trips on the Hubble Telescope, which he claimed was so called because it was school property. The FBI indictment further details extravagant parties at Chuck E. Cheese’s and all-you-can-eat ice cream bars tended by Walt Disney characters bankrolled by Hubbell alumni and for no reason, George Soros.

In one case, Gufferson is recorded offering a recruit the fifty cents in his pocket and an hour on his Sony PlayStation 4 in exchange for badgering his parents about attending Hubbell.

“Everyone knew Gufferson’s recruiting turned Hubbell into a kickball powerhouse,” says West Bristol assistant gym teacher, Smiles DiGiorno. “Our teams were left with the crumbs that came out of A Place To Grow Too and Bristol Head Start. When you’d ask him how he did it, he’d call you a hurtful name and run away.”

In a second scheme, Gufferson allegedly received rare Pokemon cards from Crayola in exchange for steering pre-Ks who got gold stars in drawing to schools endorsed by the crayon maker. Crayola denied wrongdoing in a statement released in Brick Red and Forest Green on brown construction paper.

The FBI announcement comes in conjunction with the indictments of several college men’s basketball coaches. The probe is expected to leave many men’s programs in ruins except UConn, whose program is already in ruins.

While the state Interscholastic Athletic Conference expressed satisfaction with Gufferson’s arrest, others question whether kickball is a real sport and if it was worth the $74 million the FBI spent to investigate a fifth-grader.

“It is if it means one less crooked kickball agent in the halls,” said Joon H. Kim, Acting U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York and Rockwell Park.

Gufferson is currently being held in detention without restroom break in the principal’s office until the late bus.


Rockwell Park’s Playground Will Be Shut Down Due To Safety Concerns, Says City Lawyer Art Bream.

August 22, 2017

Rockwell Park’s playground will be shut down due to safety concerns pro bono publico, says city lawyer Art Bream. “We were informed we can’t afford the liability by our insurer before they relocated out of state.”

Problems cited include a lack of smoke detectors in the playground, no exit signs to show way out, no airbags on the slides, and no emergency plans in case of a nuclear attack by Southington. “And what if one of their adult bookshops catapults merchandise into our park – what we call, a ‘dirty bomb.'”

“Our in esse insurer also informed us that kids risk sunburn if they are outside,” elocuted Bream. “We urge patriotic parents to keep their children indoors rather than being out during the day or intra dies.”

Swing sets are also a top health hazard. The recommended fix is to change seats on the swing to plastic bubbles that fully encapsulate the rider. A black box will be installed to identify and ban children who swing too high.

Rather than claim rex non potest peccare, we must concede children are ferae naturae and shutter the place post-haste ex parte until fixes are made for which expressio unius est exclusio alterius, urbi et orbi, pax vobiscum. Amen.” Bream returned to his Malaysian Mitragyna speciosa tisane.

Other recommendations:
– The Splash Pad only operate with a lifeguard present
– The pool be filled with a high level of salt so no one can possibly drown
– The Skate Park just be closed

The full report is on view or viderit at Bristol City Hall until September 21. After, it can be seen in Hartford in November, Syracuse in December and during the first week in January, it will be opening for Blue Man Group at the Luxor in Las Vegas.


Octagon Fight Cage Under Consideration for Rockwell

May 21, 2017

Following a brawl at Rockwell Park and the resulting security concerns, the City of Bristol will be implementing changes to the park including increased patrols and a park ranger. However, that is only the beginning.

The Parks and Recreation Department will ask the Mayor and City Council to add an Octagon Fight Cage. The proposal is aimed at differentiating Bristol from surrounding communities.

The cage under consideration measures 750 square feet, 30 feet across and 6 feet high.

The Octagon Fight Cage can accommodate bare knuckle brawls, street fights, boxing and mixed martial arts, according to the proposal presented to city leaders. Referees, cutmen, judges and ring card girls are not included with the cage, but they can be provided if a deal can be reached with the various unions.

City officials are intrigued by the proposal and city attorneys are evaluating if admission and tickets fees can be administered.


Bristol/Forestville News in Brief

November 7, 2016

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Rockwell Park

Rockwell Park is known for its basketball court, skate park, playground, trees, leaves, and cut grass that each year bring in visitors from all over the area around the park.

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The city council is now considering expanding Rockwell’s playground into a daycare facility. Plans include adding a bunker with small rooms to hold each child and hurricane fencing with towers manned by former East German guards to keep the children inside the compound.

The woman tapped to head the daycare facility, Colonel Ivana Vassarova recently of Russian Special Forces, promises that children left in her charge will enjoy an atmosphere of fun, play and obedience to the state.

Helping Hands Food Bank

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Bristol Democrats fearing a Trump presidency caused a run on a local food bank. The bank, Helping Hands Food Bank, worries if there aren’t sufficient deposits to replenish their accounts they will face closure by the FDIC, the Food Deposit Insurance Corporation. Regulators are already scouring the books of the bank and interviewing its trustees.

Occupy Bristol protesters gathered in front of the bank yesterday calling for an end to the lavish ten-soup-cans-a-day pay of “fat cat bank executives.”

Tyler Perry

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Tyler Perry announced that his next film will be set in Forestville. The movie called, “Madea’s Wrong Turn Off Route 84,” is expected to be shot in January, according to the director, “to accentuate how wonderful the village looks in the stark deadness and cold of winter amidst the brown piles of plowed snow.”

Rusty the Labrador Retriever Impeached!

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The Forestville chapter of the Friends of Animals Society was thrown into chaos after their latest president, Rusty the Labrador retriever, was impeached. Said treasurer Jenny Wishman, “Rusty never did anything except beg for food, look for attention and drink out of the toilet bowl. While we believe man is no better than any other species, after electing a dog, a parrot and a no-show dolphin as president, it is becoming increasingly clear humans are better at running our organization.”

Plans for a replacement are on hold until the chair of the nominating committee Annabelle, an Abyssinian-Siamese mix, returns from the vet.

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Stay informed on Election Day with Alan Boardman’s coverage all day.


Outdoor Nude Theater Comes to Bristol

September 1, 2016

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Recently, a nude cast made entirely up of lonely women performed Shakespeare in New York City’s Central Park to promote the idea of public nudity. Now comes a similar performance in Rockwell Park by the New Vision Theatre. The all-female troupe will perform Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman” completely in the buff.

“It’s not about trying to shock people,” said one performer who goes by the stage name, Suzy Apples, at the local strip club. “We want to change people’s perceptions of public nudity – to see nudity not as sexual or threatening, but normal and good.”

Park constable Pat O’Reilly said, “It’s fine with us, laddy, as long as they be artists. Fact is, last year we had us a bunch of the artists in the park sacrificing goats to Satan, but that’s for the art of it. Now come do that and you’re not an artist, ye be feeling the big end of me nightstick.”

One onlooker at a recent rehearsal was very excited. “I love art,” said the unidentified man in the long raincoat holding a pocket video camera. “I could stand here all day and watch it over, and over, and over…”

“People ask, of all the playwrights in the world, why choose to do Arthur Miller in the nude?” Apples said. “That’s a good question. Anyways, we’re tired of the body shaming we see every day in society. With these performances, we will promote body positivity! People should feel proud of their bodies and not feel horrible about showing them unclothed in public.”

When asked why there weren’t any naked male guys in the cast too, Apples responded, “Ewww!”

New Vision Theatre said they expect to draw many spectators and numerous gawkers.

“Death of A Salesman” will be performed at 5:30pm from September 14 – 17 at Rockwell Park. Admission is free, but tips are appreciated. After-play lap dances will be offered.