Rockwell Park’s Playground Will Be Shut Down Due To Safety Concerns, Says City Lawyer Art Bream.

August 22, 2017

Rockwell Park’s playground will be shut down due to safety concerns pro bono publico, says city lawyer Art Bream. “We were informed we can’t afford the liability by our insurer before they relocated out of state.”

Problems cited include a lack of smoke detectors in the playground, no exit signs to show way out, no airbags on the slides, and no emergency plans in case of a nuclear attack by Southington. “And what if one of their adult bookshops catapults merchandise into our park – what we call, a ‘dirty bomb.'”

“Our in esse insurer also informed us that kids risk sunburn if they are outside,” elocuted Bream. “We urge patriotic parents to keep their children indoors rather than being out during the day or intra dies.”

Swing sets are also a top health hazard. The recommended fix is to change seats on the swing to plastic bubbles that fully encapsulate the rider. A black box will be installed to identify and ban children who swing too high.

Rather than claim rex non potest peccare, we must concede children are ferae naturae and shutter the place post-haste ex parte until fixes are made for which expressio unius est exclusio alterius, urbi et orbi, pax vobiscum. Amen.” Bream returned to his Malaysian Mitragyna speciosa tisane.

Other recommendations:
– The Splash Pad only operate with a lifeguard present
– The pool be filled with a high level of salt so no one can possibly drown
– The Skate Park just be closed

The full report is on view or viderit at Bristol City Hall until September 21. After, it can be seen in Hartford in November, Syracuse in December and during the first week in January, it will be opening for Blue Man Group at the Luxor in Las Vegas.


Octagon Fight Cage Under Consideration for Rockwell

May 21, 2017

Following a brawl at Rockwell Park and the resulting security concerns, the City of Bristol will be implementing changes to the park including increased patrols and a park ranger. However, that is only the beginning.

The Parks and Recreation Department will ask the Mayor and City Council to add an Octagon Fight Cage. The proposal is aimed at differentiating Bristol from surrounding communities.

The cage under consideration measures 750 square feet, 30 feet across and 6 feet high.

The Octagon Fight Cage can accommodate bare knuckle brawls, street fights, boxing and mixed martial arts, according to the proposal presented to city leaders. Referees, cutmen, judges and ring card girls are not included with the cage, but they can be provided if a deal can be reached with the various unions.

City officials are intrigued by the proposal and city attorneys are evaluating if admission and tickets fees can be administered.

Bristol/Forestville News in Brief

November 7, 2016


Rockwell Park

Rockwell Park is known for its basketball court, skate park, playground, trees, leaves, and cut grass that each year bring in visitors from all over the area around the park.


The city council is now considering expanding Rockwell’s playground into a daycare facility. Plans include adding a bunker with small rooms to hold each child and hurricane fencing with towers manned by former East German guards to keep the children inside the compound.

The woman tapped to head the daycare facility, Colonel Ivana Vassarova recently of Russian Special Forces, promises that children left in her charge will enjoy an atmosphere of fun, play and obedience to the state.

Helping Hands Food Bank


Bristol Democrats fearing a Trump presidency caused a run on a local food bank. The bank, Helping Hands Food Bank, worries if there aren’t sufficient deposits to replenish their accounts they will face closure by the FDIC, the Food Deposit Insurance Corporation. Regulators are already scouring the books of the bank and interviewing its trustees.

Occupy Bristol protesters gathered in front of the bank yesterday calling for an end to the lavish ten-soup-cans-a-day pay of “fat cat bank executives.”

Tyler Perry


Tyler Perry announced that his next film will be set in Forestville. The movie called, “Madea’s Wrong Turn Off Route 84,” is expected to be shot in January, according to the director, “to accentuate how wonderful the village looks in the stark deadness and cold of winter amidst the brown piles of plowed snow.”

Rusty the Labrador Retriever Impeached!


The Forestville chapter of the Friends of Animals Society was thrown into chaos after their latest president, Rusty the Labrador retriever, was impeached. Said treasurer Jenny Wishman, “Rusty never did anything except beg for food, look for attention and drink out of the toilet bowl. While we believe man is no better than any other species, after electing a dog, a parrot and a no-show dolphin as president, it is becoming increasingly clear humans are better at running our organization.”

Plans for a replacement are on hold until the chair of the nominating committee Annabelle, an Abyssinian-Siamese mix, returns from the vet.


Stay informed on Election Day with Alan Boardman’s coverage all day.

Outdoor Nude Theater Comes to Bristol

September 1, 2016


Recently, a nude cast made entirely up of lonely women performed Shakespeare in New York City’s Central Park to promote the idea of public nudity. Now comes a similar performance in Rockwell Park by the New Vision Theatre. The all-female troupe will perform Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman” completely in the buff.

“It’s not about trying to shock people,” said one performer who goes by the stage name, Suzy Apples, at the local strip club. “We want to change people’s perceptions of public nudity – to see nudity not as sexual or threatening, but normal and good.”

Park constable Pat O’Reilly said, “It’s fine with us, laddy, as long as they be artists. Fact is, last year we had us a bunch of the artists in the park sacrificing goats to Satan, but that’s for the art of it. Now come do that and you’re not an artist, ye be feeling the big end of me nightstick.”

One onlooker at a recent rehearsal was very excited. “I love art,” said the unidentified man in the long raincoat holding a pocket video camera. “I could stand here all day and watch it over, and over, and over…”

“People ask, of all the playwrights in the world, why choose to do Arthur Miller in the nude?” Apples said. “That’s a good question. Anyways, we’re tired of the body shaming we see every day in society. With these performances, we will promote body positivity! People should feel proud of their bodies and not feel horrible about showing them unclothed in public.”

When asked why there weren’t any naked male guys in the cast too, Apples responded, “Ewww!”

New Vision Theatre said they expect to draw many spectators and numerous gawkers.

“Death of A Salesman” will be performed at 5:30pm from September 14 – 17 at Rockwell Park. Admission is free, but tips are appreciated. After-play lap dances will be offered.