Rockwell Park’s playground will be shut down due to safety concerns pro bono publico, says city lawyer Art Bream. “We were informed we can’t afford the liability by our insurer before they relocated out of state.”
Problems cited include a lack of smoke detectors in the playground, no exit signs to show way out, no airbags on the slides, and no emergency plans in case of a nuclear attack by Southington. “And what if one of their adult bookshops catapults merchandise into our park – what we call, a ‘dirty bomb.'”
“Our in esse insurer also informed us that kids risk sunburn if they are outside,” elocuted Bream. “We urge patriotic parents to keep their children indoors rather than being out during the day or intra dies.”
Swing sets are also a top health hazard. The recommended fix is to change seats on the swing to plastic bubbles that fully encapsulate the rider. A black box will be installed to identify and ban children who swing too high.
Rather than claim rex non potest peccare, we must concede children are ferae naturae and shutter the place post-haste ex parte until fixes are made for which expressio unius est exclusio alterius, urbi et orbi, pax vobiscum. Amen.” Bream returned to his Malaysian Mitragyna speciosa tisane.
– The Splash Pad only operate with a lifeguard present
– The pool be filled with a high level of salt so no one can possibly drown
– The Skate Park just be closed
The full report is on view or viderit at Bristol City Hall until September 21. After, it can be seen in Hartford in November, Syracuse in December and during the first week in January, it will be opening for Blue Man Group at the Luxor in Las Vegas.