Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.


Ire As Route 6 Widening Starts

April 11, 2017

Route 6

Dr. Edwin Lister is upset about the beginning of work on expansion of Route 6. The archaeologist was prepping for a new dig by the roadside when workers shut him down.

Dr. Lister worries that an important archaeological site will be destroyed. He discussed the discoveries he has already made that suggest the presence of man in Bristol long before man showed up.

“In last year’s dig, I discovered a rock that dates back 50,000 years and another that dates back farther. One you can see was used as a writing implement to message other tribes or work on the daily crossword.”

He points to another artifact – a long rock that may represent a primitive skateboard or a tongue depressor for a pet bear. His group also found the skeletal remains of a squirrel that he says was hit by a speeding canoe.

His team is composed of himself and young Jimmy Joseph. Jimmy is a 120-pound freshman in high school and consequently does the digging and heavy lifting.

Dr. Lister himself was formerly at Yale until being fired for his proposal that the Pequots worked a tomahawk-running operation for the Mohegans. And because he set fire to the Yale mascot.

Now the ex-professor raises his own money to cover the cost of digs. Last fall he had Jimmy roam the streets of Hartford holding a sign that read, “Will Dig For Money.” He also sells Indian artifacts when no one is looking. Despite the number of times Jimmy has ended up in jail for this, the team’s enthusiasm is undiminished.

“I hope the State will delay this project until we can complete our dig,” said Dr. Lister. “I believe we are very close to uncovering a massive grave site as well as the small dinosaurs this Paleo-Indian population rode.”

OTHER STORIES
* Drought Officially Over – Protestors Told To Go Home
* Bristol Reservoir Now 98% Full, Others See It As 2% Empty
* Driver Smashes Tree To Kick Off National Distracted Driving Awareness Month
* Local Students Cheer Expanded Recess Time With Teacher Layoffs


Presidential Vote Not the Only Item on the Ballot Tuesday

November 3, 2016

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The presidential and local elections are not the only items on the ballot in Bristol/Forestville Tuesday. Several questions will also be put to voters:

1. Should city councilors remain residents of the council seat they were elected to?
2. When motorized vehicles are stopped at a red traffic light, should they be allowed to turn left on red when the way is clear or if they are in a hurry?
3. Should the requirement that police chief be a resident of Bristol be eliminated?
4. Should the requirement that police chief be a homo sapien be eliminated?
5. Eliminate the requirement that the fire chief become a resident of Bristol within 6 months of his appointment
6. Eliminate the requirement that the town crier become a resident of Bristol within 6 months of his appointment by the city chamberlain
7. Should visitors in City Hall only use the stairs for descending?
8. Shall the form of government in Bristol be changed from a mayor-council system to one run by an ethnically diverse wizard or sorcerer?
9. CONNECTICUT CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT (PROPOSITION 1) The constitutional amendment providing for the use and dedication of certain money transferred to the state highway fund to assist in the completion of transportation construction, maintenance, and the governor’s vacation house in the Hamptons, not to include toll roads.

10. CITY OF BRISTOL BOND PROPOSITION, PROPOSITION 1 The issuance of $6,000,000 bonds and notes for rail systems, facilities and infrastructure, including a fixed rail transit system, wishing well and apple cart to be operated by Capital Metropolitan Transportation Authority Inc.,(which may spend its funds to build, operate and maintain such system) servicing the Bristol Corridor, Forestville Station and surrounding communities and neighborhoods, and roadway improvements related to such rail systems, facilities, port-o-lets and infrastructure including topiaries and artificial plants dotting the landscape; provided that the City may not issue bonds or notes to pay costs of the fixed rail transit system (other than expenditures for planning, designing and engineering necessary to obtain grant and/or match funding) unless (i) the City obtains grant or match finding for the cost of the fixed rail transit system from the Federal Transit Administration or one or more other federal or state sources and (ii) the City provides funding in an amount not less than $400,000,000 to pay costs of roadway improvement projects of regional significance that are designed to relieve congestion, enhance mobility and manage traffic in the I-84, US 6, Route 72, Route 229, RM 2222, FM 734, LMNOP, Memorial Boulevard corridor; and the levy of a tax sufficient to pay for the bonds and notes.

Note: Funds received from Derived indirect tax revenues, versus Imposed non-exchange revenues and Government-mandated non-exchange transactions, should not be at the expense of Voluntary non-exchange transactions and their assets unless resources are provided at the state or local government level by mandate.

Explanation of Proposition 1: Voters will decide whether or not to authorize the city to borrow $600 million toward the cost of a $1 billion, rail system and roadway. The ballot language includes two conditions: (1) the rail project could commence only after the Bristol City Council commits to an additional $400 million for road projects on highways of “regional significance,” such as I-84, US 6, and Route 72; as directed in Section 6 of the proposal and (2) the city won’t build the urban rail line unless the Federal Transit Administration or other state or federal agency agrees to match what the city puts into the project as shown in Section 7(a) iii. If approved, the line would open for service on or about 2022 or at another time in the future. Resulting debt payments would likely increase the total tax bill on a $200,000 home by $217 per year, according to city officials. The city would own the rail line, wishing well and apple cart and they would be operated by Capital Metropolitan Transportation Authority Inc. and or a subsidiary thereof.


Sunday Conversation with Eminent Domain Regarding Route 6

July 3, 2016

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The City of Bristol is currently in the midst of conducting a study of Route 6 to determine the future development and management of the road.

Route 6/Farmington Avenue is a hodge podge of homes, retail, lights and Dunkin Donuts establishments.

However, the current study is being done because the City Planning Commission and a local attorney with a great deal of clout, gaze upon the residential properties along the roadway with lustful eyes and lolling tongues.

Could Eminent Domain be in our future?

Eminent Domain is the ability of the government to seize land for public or civic use. However, the government can also take private land and give it to private developers provided they can show it is for the public good.

Eminent Domain agreed to discuss that possibility at his plush offices on Middle Street, the location of the Bugryn family homes before he took their 32 acres almost 15 years ago, during our Sunday conversation.

Boardman: What do you think about Route 6?

ED: I am watching the “study” closely. There are some appealing properties on Route 6. Should they become available and deals cannot be made, Yahtzee!

Boardman: This is why you are not liked.

ED: I am not a bad guy, seriously. Sure the Bugryn’s thing did not go well but it was not personal. It was strictly business. Bristol has been good to me and I have been good for Bristol and especially Forestville. ESPN, Covanta Energy and the Otis Elevator testing facility are all because of me, Eminent Domain.

Boardman: People don’t want their land taken only to see it go to some private entity.

ED: I am not appreciated. It could be argued that if it were not for me, Eminent Domain…we would live in a world where there would be no ESPYs.

Boardman: Why be in the business of taking someone else’s property?

ED: The Fifth Amendment to the Constitution says, ‘nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation’ blah, blah, blah. All these people get paid so I fail to see the problem.

Boardman: How do you see your future?

ED: The usual stuff: Court battles, court dates and seizing property. Hopefully residential properties along the Route 6 corridor in several years. You may not like me but you have to live with me.


Route 6/Farmington Avenue Could Become a Cul de Sac?

June 30, 2016

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The City of Bristol is conducting a study of Route 6/Farmington Avenue to determine its future use.

Residents celebrated the news with fireworks, church bells, frolicking and games of joy when they heard there would be yet another study of the legendary road.

Said one resident, “Wow! How did we get so lucky again?”

The current study is being facilitated by the consulting firm of Fitzgerald & Halliday from Hartford. They were hired because City Planners were impressed that they can do PowerPoint.

The firm began the process by soliciting ideas from the public and ideas have been pouring in from all over.

The Bristol Bureau of Tourism recommended changing the name of Farmington Avenue. A spokesperson stated, “Why are we giving away free advertising to that snooty town? The name suggests Bristol is merely a gateway to West Farms Mall. Therefore, we recommend renaming it Bristol Avenue and making it a cul de sac so people can’t drive to Farmington from here.”

The Chamber of Commerce suggested renaming Farmington Avenue to Dunkin Donuts Avenue. “There are so many Dunkin Donuts on this road they should be us paying naming rights,” their e-mail quipped.

Dunkin Donuts Avenue?

Dunkin Donuts Avenue?

Local art aficionado Alvar von Aachen made it known that he wants an abstract piece of art “that everyone will hate” near the Terryville border or a “hovel with a crazy character living in it like every other famous road does.”

A citizen simply named D. Malloy advocated the installation of tolls. In fact “numerous tolls” was his exact comment.

One fancy pants attorney wants all the homes seized through eminent domain so they can be developed by his clients for commercial purposes.

Doug Loogie however, strongly urged a Porn Palace be built expeditiously on “the ave” to replace the one that just went out of business. “One would be good, two would be better” he wrote.

And old timer Bartismus Fink weighed in and proposed Route 6/Farmington Avenue be narrowed to one lane, and that the entire Stop & Shop Plaza (originally Bristol Shopping Plaza) be demolished and returned to its former glory – a wooded swamp.

City officials say the study could take several months or numerous weeks, whichever comes first.