Markets Swing As Land Shakes
Eruptions from the Kīlauea volcano in Hawaii heated up commodity exchanges. Gold prices skyrocketed while those for lava and magma plummeted. Wall Street traders saw Hawaiian markets flooded with the liquid rock sending people scurrying for the exits.
The Trump administration later announced that they will investigate whether the Pellucidarans of Hollow Earth are driving down prices by dumping lava in the U.S.
A concerned U.S. Chamber of Commerce warned that any retaliatory tariffs could spark a trade war with Pellucidar that would increase prices for consumers and risk the release of giant flying Trodons onto the mainland.
“Pellucidar is an important trading partner,” said a spokesman. “In fact, half of all iPhones sold in the U.S. are assembled by workers there enslaved by the ruling Mahar pterosaurs, in conjunction with Foxconn.”
In response to the newest eruptions, a Hawaii Emergency Management Agency official immediately issued to all residents an incoming ballistic missile alert.
Thirty-eight minutes later, they put out an apology for accidentally pressing that button again. They then issued a volcanic eruption alert. This involved standing on the roof of their building and blowing a conch horn to the tune of “Emotional Rescue” by The Rolling Stones.
Real Estate Set to Rebound after Devastation
Local real estate agent Mrs. A’ka’Ook’a’Ow, which means “Smith” in Hawaiian, said the eruptions are creating new housing opportunities.
“The lava is making Leilani Estates a better place to rebuild on. And this time, it will be safe to live there. What are the odds the rifts will erupt again? As we say in Hawaii, ‘No way, Jose!'”
– Hawaii lies in the Pacific Ocean, also known to President Xi Jin-Ping as the “China Ocean”
– President Obama claims he was born here. Actually he was born in Kenya, a small town in Nebraska
– Just like Star Trek fans made up Klingon, the state made up its own language for the first run of “Hawaii 5-0.” Due to a scriptwriting error, the “Hawaiian” language ended up comically omitting most consonants