Kīlauea Volcano Creates Chaos

May 14, 2018

Markets Swing As Land Shakes
Eruptions from the Kīlauea volcano in Hawaii heated up commodity exchanges. Gold prices skyrocketed while those for lava and magma plummeted. Wall Street traders saw Hawaiian markets flooded with the liquid rock sending people scurrying for the exits.

The Trump administration later announced that they will investigate whether the Pellucidarans of Hollow Earth are driving down prices by dumping lava in the U.S.

A concerned U.S. Chamber of Commerce warned that any retaliatory tariffs could spark a trade war with Pellucidar that would increase prices for consumers and risk the release of giant flying Trodons onto the mainland.

“Pellucidar is an important trading partner,” said a spokesman. “In fact, half of all iPhones sold in the U.S. are assembled by workers there enslaved by the ruling Mahar pterosaurs, in conjunction with Foxconn.”

Emergency Issued
In response to the newest eruptions, a Hawaii Emergency Management Agency official immediately issued to all residents an incoming ballistic missile alert.

Thirty-eight minutes later, they put out an apology for accidentally pressing that button again. They then issued a volcanic eruption alert. This involved standing on the roof of their building and blowing a conch horn to the tune of “Emotional Rescue” by The Rolling Stones.

Real Estate Set to Rebound after Devastation
Local real estate agent Mrs. A’ka’Ook’a’Ow, which means “Smith” in Hawaiian, said the eruptions are creating new housing opportunities.

“The lava is making Leilani Estates a better place to rebuild on. And this time, it will be safe to live there. What are the odds the rifts will erupt again? As we say in Hawaii, ‘No way, Jose!'”

Fast Facts
– Hawaii lies in the Pacific Ocean, also known to President Xi Jin-Ping as the “China Ocean”
– President Obama claims he was born here. Actually he was born in Kenya, a small town in Nebraska
– Just like Star Trek fans made up Klingon, the state made up its own language for the first run of “Hawaii 5-0.” Due to a scriptwriting error, the “Hawaiian” language ended up comically omitting most consonants


Glitches Mars Otherwise Perfect SpaceX Mission

February 7, 2018

Tuesday, entrepreneur Elon Musk’s SpaceX launched the most powerful rocket in history. The payload for the Falcon Heavy rocket was Musk’s own Tesla roadster complete with a test dummy which gave the finger to North Korea as it flew overhead in orbit.

Two of the three booster rockets landed safely back on Earth. The third hit the ocean, wiping out an all-dolphin production of “Phantom of the Opera,” put on by the Kissimmee Women’s Guild.

The launch vehicle continued on to orbit the sun. There, the mission encountered a second glitch when Musk’s roadster struck a passing meteor. This marks the first car accident in space. Local Florida police let Musk off with only a warning. However, the district attorney wants to prosecute him for traveling 12,397 miles per hour over the speed limit.

Forestville Man Suing The Periodic Table of the Elements

June 28, 2017

According to court documents, Forestville resident Willie Flanch is suing the Periodic Table of the Elements, and the descendants of the Russian inventor that created the Periodic Table.

Mr. Flanch showing off to friends at a recent party said he could create a small explosion or a rancid smell with his new chemistry kit. So he mixed lead and helium and nothing happened. No explosion. No smell – nothing.

He tried other gases as well and the results were the same. Speaking with Boardman afterward he reflected, “You are often told ‘Hey man don’t mix this with that because bad things could happen.’ Well they should also warn you that mixing lead and helium or lead with any gas like argon, krypton, neon, xenon, radon – yeah radon! – will result in nothing. Those freaking noble gasses suck dude.”

Consequently, Mr. Flanch decided that because the Periodic Table showed no remorse or compassion and was not cooperative after the fact he would seek a legal remedy.

The Periodic Table of the Elements was not able to comment because it is not human.

Power Outage at Boardman

December 17, 2016


The electricity went out at the offices of Boardman when a

Enthusiasts to Gather for Reenactment of the Flight of Icarus

December 6, 2016


According to Greek mythology, a young man named Icarus tried to escape the island of Crete with artificial wings made of feathers and wax. Unfortunately Icarus crashed into the sea because he flew too close to the sun, causing his wings to melt. Forestville resident Duncan Sumter will attempt to reenact the flight of Icarus this month at Robertson Airport in Plainville.

Mr. Sumter spent the summer building his wings using osier branches and connected them with wax as described in the historical myth. However, his journey will be a bit different. Mr. Sumter observed, “Flying near the sun will not part of my flight plan.” Indeed he says he picked December in order to completely avoid the sun.

The event is backed by the Plainville Flight Society which was intrigued and skeptical and intrigued by Sumter’s idea; then remorseful. Society member Floyd McEnroe plans to attend but not to see him fly. “The only reason I am going is to watch this guy crash.”

His brother Floyd McEnroe Too remarked, “I want to see this guy flap his arms and try to fly. It will look ridiculous.”

Sumter is unfazed by the doubters. “Once I get above 200 feet, the Bernoulli Effect will take over and keep me airborne indefinitely. I’m even bringing a couple cans of Chef Boyardee with me in case I stay up past lunchtime.”

This is not Sumter’s first foray into simulating historic events. Last year he attempted to replicate Jesus walking on water at the Sea of Galilee using a special pair of snowshoes. However, as soon as he stepped out of his fishing boat, he sank to the bottom of Pine Lake. Later after recovering from his near-drowning, he tried to part the Pequabuck River using a couple of large pieces of wood. Unfortunately, the waters did not divide and Mr. Sumter found himself in Plainville, washed downstream straight into the Noah’s ark replica he was also working on.

Following those debacles he vowed to stay away from all water-based religious reenactments.

Organizers say tickets to see the flight in person are ten dollars unless you sneak in then it is free.

Scientists Set to Reveal When Sean Hannity Officially Became a Douche

November 20, 2016




After months of investigating scientists at Tunxis Community College and Central Connecticut State University will announce next week exactly when radio and television host Sean Hannity officially became a “douche”, according to sources with the colleges. A “douche” by definition is an obnoxious or contemptible person and is generally regarded as a jerk; usually a man.

Scientists in the physics research labs began investigating Mr. Hannity early this year after they repeatedly noted his increasingly “jerk like” behavior. “Sean always seemed a good guy but somewhere along the way he changed and became a douche. The possibility existed too that he had always been a douche. We needed to find out,” said Project Leader, Higgs Beall.

Their announcement lead to a firestorm of speculation as to when he became a douche.

* When he justified Donald Trump’s sexiest behavior? or;
* When he accused Megyn Kelly of supporting Clinton? or;
* When he backed Cliven Bundy? or;
* When he wanted to replace Paul Ryan as Speaker for not endorsing Trump? or;
* When he said Lindsay Graham deserved to have Trump release his private phone number? or;
* When he used statistics from a satirical website about Syrian refugees coming to the U.S.? or;
* When he offered to be waterboarded for charity and then didn’t? or…

It is presently not clear if Mr. Hannity will appear when the announcement is made.

Another set of scientists at Post University in Waterbury is examining when MSNBC host Rachel Maddow became a Know it All.

Will the Sun Will Come up Tomorrow?

November 15, 2016


Despite the anxiety and a dire sense of doom that many are feeling due to the election results, the consensus of scientists is that unless the sun burns out or the earth stops rotating, the sun will in fact come up tomorrow. “It has risen successfully every day prior to today so under the Law of Succession it should rise tomorrow unless it doesn’t,” said Michio Kaku, a theoretical physicist and futurist.

Many believed following the 2000 Presidential Election that the sun would not rise, “I was fully prepared for the world to be plunged into a dark, vacant, dull, bleak, and lifeless planet the next day,” said Forestville resident Bill Singer. “However, much to my surprise, the next morning the sun appeared in the eastern sky and the planet wasn’t lifeless.”

“This sounds like a form of inductive inference that has no place in modern science,” says “astrophysicist” Neil Degrasse Tyson, on the condition his middle name not be appropriately capitalized and quote marks not be placed around his title of astrophysicist. “The sun may indeed not come up tomorrow. Probably because of global warming,” he muttered cryptically.

One scientist however, is not so certain about the immediate future of the sun. Dr. Myron Goldberg of Tunxis Community College has a differing viewpoint. “Science suggests the probability that the sun will rise tomorrow is nearly guaranteed. That’s a cute little thought but no one can say with any certainty whether it will come up after Inauguration Day. The jury is still out on that one.”

Inauguration Day is Friday, January 20, 2017.