March 29, 2010
Police artist rendering
Forestville police commented today that despite having detailed information regarding the appearance of the gunmen involved in last week’s supermarket robbery, they still have no leads. They do admit that this may have something to do with the fact that the police sketch artist is a cubist.
So, to help move the case forward they have had the sketch of the man redone by a nonrepresentational surrealist.
November 7, 2009
The ever popular Slappy the Seal
Slappy the Seal – star of the Baumbauer Television Network (BTN) program, “Slap Happy Slappy” died late Monday, off the shores of Norway. Preliminary autopsy results indicate the cause of death as “harpooning.” Officials would not comment on rumors that Slappy was being turned into a hat, tastefully trimmed in chinchilla. The Seal was last seen Friday afternoon, dining with his agent, Rick Jaspers at a sushi bar in Los Angeles. Jaspers was unable to explain how his client ended up halfway around the world.
Slap Happy Slappy was the highest rated children’s program on BTN, and featured The Seal performing various tricks for a studio audience of children – in between Japanese Anime cartoons.
News of the show’s fate came swiftly.
Baumbauer Entertainment, CEO, Horrace Baumbauer announced the immediate termination of the program – calling for the entire studio to be gutted and steam cleaned. When asked to comment, Baumbauer stated “the whole place smells like low tide.” When pressed on the subject of Slappy himself, Baumbauer denied being particularly fond of the aquatic mammal, describing him as a “money grubbing whore.”
December 23, 2008
Stop & Shop Pine Street Forestville, CT
A well-liked shopping cart is reported to be missing from Stop & Shop’s cart corral on Pine Street. The chrome metal wire basket cart was last seen in Aisle 6 Thursday evening. The cart was popular with young children due to its wobbly wheels.
Carriage missnig leads to historic grocery store summit
Local grocery store officials are concerned because last week a cart disappeared from the Shop Rite Cart Corral on Farmington Avenue. Sources familiar with both incidents say that employees from the Pine Street Stop & Shop and the Farmington Avenue Shop Rite (Bristol) are planning a historic summit to address their shopping cart concerns. Negotiations have been vague on specifics but one source said, “This summit is a diplomatic achievement and will lay the ground work for the normalization of bilateral relations between these retail adversaries.”
The historic meeting will not include employees from Big Y Supermarket or Shaw’s Supermarket.