November 18, 2015
Forestville social media is on fire with rumors that Syrian refugees fleeing their war torn country will be relocated to Forestville as part of an organized international humanitarian program.
Residents expressed outrage because there will be a run on Syrian cuisine at the supermarket. “If they think they are going to come here and eat all of the kebab and hummus they’ve got another thing coming,” said Silas Minutia.
Added another equally frustrated and furious Dewey Jasper, “I am stocking up now on baklava. My pantry will be filled to capacity shortly and I will protect it at all costs. Lock and load baby!”
The mayor, seeing matters were spiraling out of control, took to the airwaves to quell fears. “Remain calm people. There will be enough Syrian food and food from the entire Ottoman empire to go around. I give you my word as your mayor and as your neighbor.”
November 5, 2015
Anonymous to out AM music radio listeners
The social justice hacker group known as Anonymous is threatening to expose the identities of individuals that listen to music on AM Radio stations. “The truth needs to come out to expose those amongst us that listen to poor music with horrible fidelity,” they said in a statement. Generally AM radio plays music that is considered the oldies.
Sources say numerous Forestville residents will appear on the list. “I listen to Slipknot and Nine Inch Nails on Pandora all day so I am cool,” said Larson Canover. “The are some folks however; I am not mentioning any names….Silas Minutia…Limping Larry that should be worried though,” Canover explained.
A member of the AM Music Radio Fan Club said there has recently been an effort to “out” AM radio listeners and it’s proving to be successful because listenership and membership is down.
There is also the rumor Anonymous will expose residents of Forestville that still use VCRs, Windows XP and folding maps with a data dump next month.
July 25, 2015
Limping Larry was spotted limping through the center of Forestville last week and citizens are concerned.
Residents believe Larry’s limp casts Forestville in a poor light because he is faking it. They say he goes from limping on his right leg one day to limping on is left leg the next. Due to the attention he receives many feel Limping Larry has no motivation to stop limping. Consequently they asked city leaders to do something so Larry will cease embellishing his limp. Leaders have resisted these pleas so residents have taken matters into their own hands.
A woman who lives in an apartment complex near Pine Lake called the police and reported that someone was limping in the area.
Minister Reggie, the self-appointed “Limp Czar” on Broad Street, reported the matter to NBC News. “It shows the community is taking this very seriously,” he said.
Another resident Silas Minutia created SpottedLimpingLarryApp. “It lets people post geotagged footage of Larry’s last known whereabouts,” according to the apps disclaimer.
Limping Larry is famous because he walks with great difficulty by favoring his right leg over his left leg or vice versa. No one is sure.
It is rumored he uses the limp to procure food, preferential parking and companionship.
March 21, 2015
Circle Street is a .3 mile road off of Central Street that is home to the Forestville Cemetery, the Zion Church and a little over twenty houses.
However the Friends of Forestville, a local community group, recently had Circle Street surveyed and believe the name of the road should be changed. “It does not go in a circle it just loops so why call it Circle Street? It’s dishonest and must be renamed,” said Silas Minutia the group’s president.
“When drivers turn on to this road they expect to be driving in a circle but they soon discover it’s a polygon at best. It sends a message to everyone that the people of Forestville are liars,” Minutia said.
The Friends of Forestville wrote several letters to the Department of Public Works demanding the road be renamed, but the letters went unanswered so they plan to start a petition to have the road name changed.
“Euclid was a famous mathematician and he wrote some of the most studied books in the history of mankind. I suggest the DPW read one and discover the circle. This is embarrassing,” Minutia sniffled to supporters while preparing the petition.
Satellite view of Circle Street
May 3, 2014
Silas Minutia is going to publish a book about theoretical words. Theoretical words are words which are not real and only exist in theory.
The author is hoping that in the course of reading through the white boring pages with no illustrations, images or photos, readers will discover words that cannot be found in any dictionary. The book will be published in July and will be available in book stores.
This is going in to be a difficult read for some residents. Are you reading this Mitchell Luby?
May 1, 2014
Local limping icon Limping Larry visited the Forestville Clock Thursday presumably to watch time go by. “He just sat there on the bench looking up at the clock and eating an apple,” said Silas Minutia.
Limping Larry has been walking with a limp for so long that locals no longer recall why he limps. Larry’s friend Bob Kneeper keenly observed “At this point in time I think he limps out of habit.”
The Forestville Clock