Another Russian Caught Doping at Olympics

February 21, 2018

The Russian team was severely penalized by the Olympic Committee for systematic doping prior to the games in Pyeongchang, South Korea. Now they suffered another setback when its bus driver tested positive for a banned performance-enhancing substance. The driver, Oleg Rimsky-Korsakov, was already under suspicion after repeatedly getting Russian members to and from the Olympic Village before anyone else.

“It’s weird,” says American skater Bradie Tennell. “One moment Alina Zagitova is eating breakfast; so I go to the rink to practice. When I get there, she’s already on the ice turning triple lutz-triple loop combinations. I mean, yeah, Alina, we know you’re awesome. Give it a rest.”

The FBI has thus far refused to declassify the identity of the banned substance the driver took. However, Democrat Representative Adam Schiff immediately called for a second special counsel to look into possible collusion between Trump and the Russians to make American Olympian bus drivers finish second at the Winter Games.

Earlier, Russia saw their curling duo stripped of a bronze medal after another Russian with a long name tested positive for a substance that no one at Boardman heard of before.

Canada lost a curling contender as well. Tests of the “B” sample from Quebec’s Guy LeGuy revealed his system contained higher than normal levels of back bacon for a Canadian.

In the meantime, some track coaches have called for Americans to start doping in order to finally win a gold in the luge.

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Changes Coming to Thanksgiving Day Game

February 8, 2018

Now that football season is over with the completion of the Super Bowl, the office of the Athletic Director for the School District in collaboration with the Bristol Board of Education announced they are making significant changes to Bristol’s Thanksgiving Day game known as the Battle for the Bell next season. The changes are being made so the game is not just about football, but improving academics and standardized test scores as well.

Among the changes for the 2018 game are the following:

1) Players will have Roman Numerals on their Jerseys
Reason: According to the BOE, “There is no better way or time to introduce students to Latin.”

2) Metric System to be used as the Unit of Measurement
Reason: “Swimming and track and field use the metric system and those sports have international appeal so it is about time football did too. Using the metric system will make the game European,” officials said.

* Yards will be replaced with meters
* Players weight measured in kilograms and height in centimeters
* Statistics recorded in kilometers, meters and centimeters

* Offense and defense will only have ten players on the field at a time

3) Players Names Added to their Jerseys and in Cursive Script
Reason: “Common Core standards dictate cursive not be taught however; today’s students cannot write in cursive nor can they read cursive, but they will need to know how to read cursive on legal documents when they purchase a home, are sued or get divorced,” the BOE press release stated.

4) Spectators Tested at Halftime
Reason: No one listens to the bands intently so there will be a music appreciation test following the performances. Spectators must identify instruments, compositions and musical periods from the Baroque era through the jazz era before the game resumes.

5) Halftime Renamed Intermission
Reason: Bristol is in need of culture and refinement and doing so will give the game an air of sophistication.

Other changes include the following:

* Spectators wear attire that is not disruptive to the game
* Attendance taken prior to the coin flip
* One-third of American kids are overweight or obese so only fruit and vegetables will be served inside the stadium
* Packets of carrot sticks and humus are allowed, provided they are in a clear plastic bag
* 15 minutes allotted to eat

To this end, the Board of Education updated the student handbook to reflect these new policies.


Patriots Lose Super Bowl, Causing Stock Market to Crash

February 6, 2018

The U.S. Stock Market took a downward plunge Monday following the New England Patriots dramatic 41-33 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday night. The market dropped almost 1,600 points marking it the largest decline since 2011. Sizeable losses by lunch caused investors to panic.

To ease investor concerns, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in a stunning announcement said he will make the Eagles and Patriots co-champions. Consequently, to celebrate the Patriots fifth and a half Super Bowl win, the City of Boston will have a combined victory parade with the Eagles Thursday. Boston Mayor Marty Walsh proclaimed, “It will be a day of duck boats and Philly cheesesteaks!”

Following this unprecedented move, the market saw a small rally late in the afternoon.

However, several pension funds seeing the value of their 401Ks plummet said they will sue the Eagles and the City of Philadelphia due to the losses they incurred.

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment.


Did the Russians Meddle with the Super Bowl?

February 5, 2018

It is no secret that New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is a friend of Donald J. Trump so following last night’s dramatic Super Bowl game, which nearly saw the Patriots come from behind and win again, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced he is investigating to see if Russia meddled with the Super Bowl.

The Patriots, for the second consecutive Super Bowl were losing at halftime, battled back to take the lead late. Consequently, rumors were rampant that Russian Diplomat Sergei Kislyak, a key figure in Mueller’s Russian investigation, was in the stadium colluding with New England and NFL officials to develop a certain outcome.

Christopher Steele, a former British intelligence officer and author of The Trump-Russia dossier, warned of this scenario due to Kraft’s cozy relationship with Trump. The intelligence community believes the Patriots as an organization were compromised several years ago because they not only drafted players with Eastern European names like Gronkowski (Polish) and Gostkowski (Polish), but they hired a head coach named Belichick (Croatian).

Intelligence officials are of the mind that the Russian government successfully made inroads into the Patriots, and the league offices too. In fact, Russian experts at the Wilson Center think backup quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was traded midseason for virtually nothing because he is of Greek decent, and refused to learn Russian as a second language.

The revelations about the New England Patriots and Russia is just the latest blemish in their long and sorted history of controversy, secrecy and manipulation, which is the calling card of the Russian intelligence apparatus.


New England Patriots Win Conference Championship

January 23, 2018


Special to Boardman

Last Sunday, the New England Patriots won the Conference Championship.

April Ryan, Lorenzo Burgio, Eugene Robinson, Kathy Chu, Ben Bradlee Jr., Mike Barnicle, Joseph Rago, Hamed Aleaziz, Don Stacom, Barbara Demick, Robert Lipsyte, Kirsten Powers, Thomas Friedman, Carl Bernstein, Michael Rezendes, Paul Krugman, Susan Slusser, Seymour Hersh, David J. Frum, Pete Hamill, Katy Tur, Maggie Haberman, Sacha Pfeiffer, and Edward Clarkin contributed to this story.

Correction: The original version of this report omitted a comma. Boardman regrets the omission.


ESPN Enlists Local Help In Downsizing

December 3, 2017

Financial woes at ESPN are mounting and cost-cutting is de riguer. After Thanksgiving, the network started to let go 250 employees, including on-air talent, crew and a service dog accused of sexual harassment by a chihuahua who works the lunch counter.

To further reduce overhead, ESPN commercials will be less funny and calls to the new “Golic & Wingo” talk show will be handled by a call center in New Delhi. ESPN studios will also move from Bristol to New York and the local public access channel Nutmeg, where they will start shooting once employees complete Nutmeg’s rigorous camera and production training classes.

A bright spot is that the cost-cutting moves are giving locals an opportunity to hit it big in cable TV.

ESPN spokesman Gerard Dorfer said, “Let’s just say, we saw what Farmington Valley’s public access has to offer and we were impressed.”

For instance, a slide in ratings has the network eying replacing Monday night NFL with less costly reruns of Bristol Eastern High School Lancers wrestling. ESPN is also dropping its “30 for 30” documentary series. In its place will be “Story Corner,” a sports story program “for kids who love faraway castles and dragons that breathe fire made of tangerine marshmallows.” The show’s host is Suzy Wanders, a substitute teacher who sniffs face powder and compulsively draws pictures of her imaginary friend, Princess Gupta. “This is a dream come true,” said Wanders, “as long as Princess Gupta approves.” She added to the air, “Right, your highness?”

“Kvetching with Mrs. Bergstein,” is slated for Tuesdays on ESPN Classic. Boardman reached out to Mrs. Bergstein, but her only comment was, “Oh my God. They put me up against ‘The Voice’. Can you believe it? Worse, my foot hurts and Dr. Wittman is out of town ’til Wednesday and I have this bald spot right above my neck. Can you see it?”

A Nutmeg talk show will debut as well. “What’s Up With That? with Gary Suet” replaces the unpopular “Pardon the Interruption.” Suet, who hosts the show with a hand puppet named, “Base Stealy, The Base-Stealing Squirrel,” relishes the chance to bring his brand of baseball knowledge and plumbing tips to a wider audience.

“I think like, I’m gonna talk about the Yankees and how they’re like this garbage disposal I’m fixing at Mrs. McGuffin’s,” said Suet. “So, uh, I normally get like two callers on a show, right? On ESPN, I’ll probably totally double that.”

“That’s right, man,” chimed in Base Stealy. “Gimme an acorn!”

“We think these shows will be wildly somewhat popular and help our bottom line,” said Dorfer. “By canceling ‘First Take’ alone, the network will save $100,000 a year just on Stephen A.’s wardrobe.”

He added with a nervous laugh, “If this doesn’t work, our parent company Disney says they’ll drop sports altogether and change us to TSC – ‘The Sewing Channel.'”


July 4, 2017

LEADING OFF

My friend Kenny visited the Stop and Shop on Pine Street and noticed they sell various forms of water. “They sell frozen water, cold water and even room temperature water. Why don’t they sell boiling water? I don’t get it.”

Me either.

THEY SAID IT

Forestville resident Toby Jacks recently observed, “The Blues lost all four games during a four game losing streak.”

Well said.

DID YOU KNOW?

The 1980 Olympics were held in 1980?
When people die they are dead?
The Fourth of July happens every July 4th?
Sand is sandy?
The Forestville Fire Station is located in Forestville?

FINAL THOUGHT

This has nothing to do with Forestville, but CNBC reported Trump thinks maybe there should be another “F” in “NAFTA” for free AND fair trade. You know I was hoping the “F” would stand for something else.

Boardman Out