Bristol Blues Announce 2018 Promotional Dates

March 22, 2018

Yesterday, the Bristol Blues announced their promotional schedule for the 2018 season, which features several unique gimmicks to entice fans to the ballpark. A quick review shows last year’s much hated “Prohibition Night” was annexed, which will make fans and beer venders happy.

Below is a partial list of the 2018 promotion dates. Additional dates could be added and will be reported here should they become available.

Friday June 8, Political Correctness Night

The Blues kick off their promotional events with Political Correctness Night! It will be a night of baseball, fun and neutral words.

For example, the first baseman will be referred to as the first base person. Likewise, for the second base person and the third base person too.

Errors will not be recorded in the scorebook and instead they will be referred to as a “Deficiency Achievement”.

The “batboy’ will be known as the bat retrieval person.

Booing or rather “alternate cheering” will not be allowed.

All players and fans alike will receive participation trophies at the conclusion of the game.

Saturday June 23, Doomsday Prepper Night

When the world comes to an end why not be prepared? As a result, the first 100 fans to buy soda will receive a Bristol Blues Doomsday Prepper Bug Out Bag!

Each bug out bag includes a hand crank radio, MRE’s, a colorful gas mask, powdered water, 2 Potassium Iodide Tablets and a Bristol Blues Foam Finger.

Saturday July 7, Non-disclosure Agreement Night

All fans attending the game must sign a Non-disclosure agreement (NDA). Fans can watch the game and enjoy the game, but with the NDA in place they are strictly prohibited from discussing or disseminating any information about the game unless they receive written consent of the Bristol Blues, the FCBL or Major League Baseball.

Saturday July 21, TSA Pat-down Night

That’s right every fan over the age of 21 coming through the gates will be subjected to an “enhanced” TSA Pat-down like they are on a government watch list. The civil liberties and legal groping issues will take place at all entrances and food and souvenir lines as well.

Questions like “Can you do that again?” or “What are you doing later” will not be viewed as “funny.”

Attendance is expected to be well below average for the evening.

Friday July 27, Second Amendment Night

Join the Blues Friday July 27th at Second Amendment Night! Every fan over the age of 18 will receive a copy of the Second Amendment courtesy of the Bristol Gun Club. It is all there, “A well regulated Militia,” blah, blah, blah. You know the words. Well, at least the first part anyway.

Also, included is Federalist No. 46, a metal ammo case and some thoughts and prayers too just in case.

The Bristol Blues are a member of the Futures Collegiate Baseball League of New England and play at Muzzy Field.

That’s it I am done.

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Another Former Trump Advisor Moving to Forestville

March 15, 2018

Gary Cohn, former chief economic advisor to Trump, has reportedly purchased a property in the village of Forestville just off of Pine Street near Stop & Shop.

The billionaire banker, and one-time Chief Operating Officer at Goldman Sachs, is looking for a drastic change so he settled on a three-bedroom and 1.1 bath Cape in the ville. The home includes a delightful 2 car detached garage and new windows.

Mr. Cohn in an effort to fit-in with locals purchased season tickets to the Bristol Blues for the upcoming season, and will volunteer at Forestville Little League in the Snack Shack.

Some Little League volunteers are not happy with their new volunteer though. “He might know how to operate the world’s economy and be a big shot on Wall Street, but what does he know about selling hamburgers and Kool-Pops?” remarked Denny Dillon, a Little League volunteer. “The Snack Shack is a cash business fraught with staffing, inventory and money issues.”

A spokesperson for Mr. Cohn said he will work in the shack on Tuesdays and Saturday mornings, but he will not umpire or coach or work on the fields.


FBI Announces Crackdown on Kickball Graft

February 26, 2018

– UN Hails It as Major Step Toward Middle East Peace
– FBI Launches Probe on UN Stealing Spotlight in Kickball Article
– UN Head: “Then We’ll Have A No-Confidence Vote on the FBI”
– These Stories Do Not Appear in Boardman Kickball Article

The FBI announced a 42-count indictment against fifth-grader Nicholas “Nick” Gufferson, a.k.a. SuperGuff42 on Xbox. Gufferson is charged with paying nursery school kids with star kickball potential to commit to Bristol’s Hubbell Elementary School.

The bubblegum-blowing Hubbell student was a fixture at kickball talent factories like Pluto’s Place and Carrier Learning Center. There he would make lavish promises to strong-footed students, such as full scholarships and free trips on the Hubble Telescope, which he claimed was so called because it was school property. The FBI indictment further details extravagant parties at Chuck E. Cheese’s and all-you-can-eat ice cream bars tended by Walt Disney characters bankrolled by Hubbell alumni and for no reason, George Soros.

In one case, Gufferson is recorded offering a recruit the fifty cents in his pocket and an hour on his Sony PlayStation 4 in exchange for badgering his parents about attending Hubbell.

“Everyone knew Gufferson’s recruiting turned Hubbell into a kickball powerhouse,” says West Bristol assistant gym teacher, Smiles DiGiorno. “Our teams were left with the crumbs that came out of A Place To Grow Too and Bristol Head Start. When you’d ask him how he did it, he’d call you a hurtful name and run away.”

In a second scheme, Gufferson allegedly received rare Pokemon cards from Crayola in exchange for steering pre-Ks who got gold stars in drawing to schools endorsed by the crayon maker. Crayola denied wrongdoing in a statement released in Brick Red and Forest Green on brown construction paper.

The FBI announcement comes in conjunction with the indictments of several college men’s basketball coaches. The probe is expected to leave many men’s programs in ruins except UConn, whose program is already in ruins.

While the state Interscholastic Athletic Conference expressed satisfaction with Gufferson’s arrest, others question whether kickball is a real sport and if it was worth the $74 million the FBI spent to investigate a fifth-grader.

“It is if it means one less crooked kickball agent in the halls,” said Joon H. Kim, Acting U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York and Rockwell Park.

Gufferson is currently being held in detention without restroom break in the principal’s office until the late bus.


Another Russian Caught Doping at Olympics

February 21, 2018

The Russian team was severely penalized by the Olympic Committee for systematic doping prior to the games in Pyeongchang, South Korea. Now they suffered another setback when its bus driver tested positive for a banned performance-enhancing substance. The driver, Oleg Rimsky-Korsakov, was already under suspicion after repeatedly getting Russian members to and from the Olympic Village before anyone else.

“It’s weird,” says American skater Bradie Tennell. “One moment Alina Zagitova is eating breakfast; so I go to the rink to practice. When I get there, she’s already on the ice turning triple lutz-triple loop combinations. I mean, yeah, Alina, we know you’re awesome. Give it a rest.”

The FBI has thus far refused to declassify the identity of the banned substance the driver took. However, Democrat Representative Adam Schiff immediately called for a second special counsel to look into possible collusion between Trump and the Russians to make American Olympian bus drivers finish second at the Winter Games.

Earlier, Russia saw their curling duo stripped of a bronze medal after another Russian with a long name tested positive for a substance that no one at Boardman heard of before.

Canada lost a curling contender as well. Tests of the “B” sample from Quebec’s Guy LeGuy revealed his system contained higher than normal levels of back bacon for a Canadian.

In the meantime, some track coaches have called for Americans to start doping in order to finally win a gold in the luge.


Changes Coming to Thanksgiving Day Game

February 8, 2018

Now that football season is over with the completion of the Super Bowl, the office of the Athletic Director for the School District in collaboration with the Bristol Board of Education announced they are making significant changes to Bristol’s Thanksgiving Day game known as the Battle for the Bell next season. The changes are being made so the game is not just about football, but improving academics and standardized test scores as well.

Among the changes for the 2018 game are the following:

1) Players will have Roman Numerals on their Jerseys
Reason: According to the BOE, “There is no better way or time to introduce students to Latin.”

2) Metric System to be used as the Unit of Measurement
Reason: “Swimming and track and field use the metric system and those sports have international appeal so it is about time football did too. Using the metric system will make the game European,” officials said.

* Yards will be replaced with meters
* Players weight measured in kilograms and height in centimeters
* Statistics recorded in kilometers, meters and centimeters

* Offense and defense will only have ten players on the field at a time

3) Players Names Added to their Jerseys and in Cursive Script
Reason: “Common Core standards dictate cursive not be taught however; today’s students cannot write in cursive nor can they read cursive, but they will need to know how to read cursive on legal documents when they purchase a home, are sued or get divorced,” the BOE press release stated.

4) Spectators Tested at Halftime
Reason: No one listens to the bands intently so there will be a music appreciation test following the performances. Spectators must identify instruments, compositions and musical periods from the Baroque era through the jazz era before the game resumes.

5) Halftime Renamed Intermission
Reason: Bristol is in need of culture and refinement and doing so will give the game an air of sophistication.

Other changes include the following:

* Spectators wear attire that is not disruptive to the game
* Attendance taken prior to the coin flip
* One-third of American kids are overweight or obese so only fruit and vegetables will be served inside the stadium
* Packets of carrot sticks and humus are allowed, provided they are in a clear plastic bag
* 15 minutes allotted to eat

To this end, the Board of Education updated the student handbook to reflect these new policies.


Patriots Lose Super Bowl, Causing Stock Market to Crash

February 6, 2018

The U.S. Stock Market took a downward plunge Monday following the New England Patriots dramatic 41-33 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday night. The market dropped almost 1,600 points marking it the largest decline since 2011. Sizeable losses by lunch caused investors to panic.

To ease investor concerns, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in a stunning announcement said he will make the Eagles and Patriots co-champions. Consequently, to celebrate the Patriots fifth and a half Super Bowl win, the City of Boston will have a combined victory parade with the Eagles Thursday. Boston Mayor Marty Walsh proclaimed, “It will be a day of duck boats and Philly cheesesteaks!”

Following this unprecedented move, the market saw a small rally late in the afternoon.

However, several pension funds seeing the value of their 401Ks plummet said they will sue the Eagles and the City of Philadelphia due to the losses they incurred.

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment.


Did the Russians Meddle with the Super Bowl?

February 5, 2018

It is no secret that New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is a friend of Donald J. Trump so following last night’s dramatic Super Bowl game, which nearly saw the Patriots come from behind and win again, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced he is investigating to see if Russia meddled with the Super Bowl.

The Patriots, for the second consecutive Super Bowl were losing at halftime, battled back to take the lead late. Consequently, rumors were rampant that Russian Diplomat Sergei Kislyak, a key figure in Mueller’s Russian investigation, was in the stadium colluding with New England and NFL officials to develop a certain outcome.

Christopher Steele, a former British intelligence officer and author of The Trump-Russia dossier, warned of this scenario due to Kraft’s cozy relationship with Trump. The intelligence community believes the Patriots as an organization were compromised several years ago because they not only drafted players with Eastern European names like Gronkowski (Polish) and Gostkowski (Polish), but they hired a head coach named Belichick (Croatian).

Intelligence officials are of the mind that the Russian government successfully made inroads into the Patriots, and the league offices too. In fact, Russian experts at the Wilson Center think backup quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was traded midseason for virtually nothing because he is of Greek decent, and refused to learn Russian as a second language.

The revelations about the New England Patriots and Russia is just the latest blemish in their long and sorted history of controversy, secrecy and manipulation, which is the calling card of the Russian intelligence apparatus.