July 4, 2017

LEADING OFF

My friend Kenny visited the Stop and Shop on Pine Street and noticed they sell various forms of water. “They sell frozen water, cold water and even room temperature water. Why don’t they sell boiling water? I don’t get it.”

Me either.

THEY SAID IT

Forestville resident Toby Jacks recently observed, “The Blues lost all four games during a four game losing streak.”

Well said.

DID YOU KNOW?

The 1980 Olympics were held in 1980?
When people die they are dead?
The Fourth of July happens every July 4th?
Sand is sandy?
The Forestville Fire Station is located in Forestville?

FINAL THOUGHT

This has nothing to do with Forestville, but CNBC reported Trump thinks maybe there should be another “F” in “NAFTA” for free AND fair trade. You know I was hoping the “F” would stand for something else.

Boardman Out


Baseball Fans Take to the Streets of Forestville to Protest Called Third Strike

June 19, 2017

Baseball fans in Forestville took to the streets early Sunday morning following a disputed called third strike in a pick-up game behind Greene-Hills School Saturday.

In the second inning with nobody on base and two outs and a 0-2 count, Home plate umpire Michael Nerdly called Gavin Dodge out on strikes. Dodge disputed the call and asked for a redo but Nerdly ignored his plea.

According to spectators the pitch in question appeared to be outside and out of the strike zone, but Nerdly said the pitch hugged the outside corner. The play did not decide the contest and the game had absolutely no meaning, but the controversy will live forever.

Charlie Simmer briefly attended the game and was standing down the left field line roughly 200 feet from home plate with an obstructed view and observed, “No way was that a strike! The umpire is blind or he can’t see. I can’t tell which.”

Added Cheryl Murdoch, “I wasn’t at the game so I heard about it through a friend and I can tell you that pitch was not a strike. What a joke. Give me a break!”

Consequently, chanting protestors walked the streets near Peck Park, rallying against the called third strike. The demonstration was peaceful but residents in the small neighborhood awoke to the sounds of protesters denouncing the call with chants of “Hey hey! Ho ho! Michael Nerdly has got to go!” And other colorful slogans such as “Kill the Ump!”

Game Notes:

The team that scores more runs has yet to lose a game in the history baseball.

All the runs scored were by the team on offense.

The game ended when the ball was lost in the woods.


London Marathon Finish Includes Local Resident?

April 26, 2017

Last Sunday’s London Marathon included one Bristol resident, Bryan Smythe Smiley.

Smiley was ebullient, but tired.  When we interviewed him at the finish line, we were struck by his pronounced British accent.

“I get that all the time,” he said.  “People think I am from Bristol, England.  Don’t let the O.B.E. after my name fool you.  That stands for ‘Order of Bristol Envelopes.’  It is something only a person from our Connecticut chapter would get.  My whole family lives in Bristol in Connecticut, U.S. of A., by George.  My grandfather was even 11th Earl of Bristol.”

Back in Connecticut, a local historian Jack Maize was beside himself.  “What Smiley claims is not true.  The voter rolls even show he resides in Bristol, England.  And Bristol never had earls.  I should know.  My great aunt was High Executioner for this town back in the war.”

We caught up with another local historian, Greg Putank, hanging outside Greer’s Chicken with a sign saying, “Will Provide Historical Context For Food.”   Putank vehemently decried these distortions of the truth.  “Both men are lying.  In fact, the second man is not even a historian.  I usually see him dumpster diving outside Price Chopper.  Believe me, no historian would go near their dumpsters.  We are loyal to Stop & Shop!”

“It is an ideal place to get a diachronic perspective for reconstructing aspects of individual and group identity shaped by current political exigencies through contextual analysis of the disposed comestible and toiletry repertoire.  I also like the bagels they toss.”

Price Chopper had no comment, but did brag that one London Marathon finisher was Georgina MacStewart, an employee with their new London store.  Or New London store?


UConn Lady Huskies Lose In Final Four – ISIS Claims Credit

April 1, 2017

UConn women’s team lost for the first time this year, snapping a record win streak and hopes for another national title. Disappointed fans took to the streets carrying signs saying, “Mississippi State Is Not My Winner” in protest.

“Mississippi State won the point total, but not the fan total. More people wanted UConn and therefore UConn should be given the win,” pointed out one UConn alum who also voted for Hillary. “This is worse than Trump becoming president.”

Her husband agreed. “Yes, it is worse than Hillary becoming president.”

“That’s it!” said another fan. “I’m done rooting for losers. I’m spending my time rooting for the New York Jets.”

Yet another basketball fan threw in the towel. “I’m so depressed, I don’t even feel like going out in the streets and looting and burning the college down like you’re supposed to after big games.”

Other fans were appreciative. Public high school teacher Maryanne Hart said, “All my students love the Huskies and their win streak of 111, even though none of them can count that high.”

Governor Malloy also praised the Huskies. When asked at a press conference about what he will do about the poor state of the Connecticut economy, he responded, “How about those Huskies?”

The Bristol Press plans to print a nice tribute to the team, although they admitted the lack of violence at the UConn game will keep it off page one.

City Hall also plans a “Meet The Lady Huskies” celebration. Due to budgetary constraints however, only a member of the practice team and the understudy for the team’s ball boy will be on hand.

Hartford Courant reporter Paul Doyle was inconsolable. He announced that with the loss, the paper will shift focus to covering other teams. “It’s a shame. We hope UConn’s women’s team does better next season. For now, we will expand coverage of other teams that are not disappointing, like UConn football.”


Bristol Blues Announce 2017 Promotional Dates

March 18, 2017

The Bristol Blues are entering their third season in the FCBL and they have just released a portion of their 2017 promotional calendar. There are numerous promotions throughout the season and here are just a few.

Saturday June 10, 7PM, Breathalyzer Night

Come to the game, pass a breathalyzer test in the 7th inning, and receive a free beer. Presented by Anheuser-Busch.

Wednesday June 28, 7PM, No Cheering Night

Fans in attendance are encouraged to sit silently and not cheer. Text, read and shut-up!

Saturday July 8, Medication Night

Meds anyone? Bring your empty medication bottles and have them filled by a pharmacist.

Tuesday July 25, Survey Night

Come on down to historic Muzzy Field and take a survey. Take your pick from the Memorial Boulevard, Route 6 Corridor, Downtown Vision, Centre Square, or 2017 Election, Surveys.

Representatives from Milone & MacBroom, Fitzgerald and Halliday, Inc., the Chamber of Commerce and the Forestville consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté will tally the results.

Thursday August 3, 7PM, Running of the Bulls

A bull run or “encierros” as it is referred to in Spanish will be held following the top part of the 5th inning.

Starting near Bristol Pizza the bulls will chase the runners down Jacobs Street, to Muzzy Street and through the entrance to the stadium along the right field line and onto the field to a cheering bloodthirsty crowd.

The game will resume with the bulls staying on the field to graze.

Chaos, danger and fun for the entire family!

Events and Giveaways

The 2017 season will also feature some fun events and giveaways too.

Thursday June 15
Pre-melted Ice Night. The first 100 fans receive a bag of pre-melted ice.

Tuesday July 4
The first 50 fans through the gates receive renderings of the City Council as STAR WARS™ characters by Forestville students.

Freedom Of Information Night
Suspicious of the guy sitting next to you? FOIA forms for everybody!

Friday August 4, Empty Stadium Night
No game scheduled. The first 100 spectators not to attend will receive nothing, which can be redeemed at the team store.

The Bristol Blues play in the Futures Collegiate Baseball League (FCBL). It is a wood bat collegiate summer baseball league. Each team plays 56 regular season games (28 home and 28 away) and the Blues play at historic Muzzy Field.


ESPN To Slash Staff As Well As Lay Them Off — Paramedics On Standby

March 9, 2017

Faced with sliding audience numbers, the worldwide leader in sports is launching a new round of cost-cutting measures. However, a worried popular ESPN NFL analyst Chris Berman said, “ESPN could… go… all… the… way – out of business!”

The cuts include layoffs of on-air personalities. To save money, “Pardon The Interruption” will lose its human hosts in favor of Pepper the Robot and IBM Watson. The two AI machines will engage in fiercely logical debates on all sports enjoyed by organic life-forms.

ESPN’s parent company Disney will help fired talent transition to new lines of work. “First Take”‘s Max Kellerman is slated to play Cogsworth the clock in Beauty And The Beast live. Meanwhile, his co-host Stephen A. Smith is still looking for a job. He was assigned to play a chipmunk for Chip ‘n’ Dale photo shoots at Disneyworld. However, children found his Chip to be too angry.

The City of Bristol is also offering help to ESPN staff. A new Bristol Office of Sports will give ex-ESPN personalities the opportunity to offer withering criticism of elementary and high school athletes.

“Most ESPN hosts are unskilled with no real-world experience,” the mayor said. “For those we can’t bring into the sports office, we will provide vocational training. We expect them to realize well-paying jobs commensurate with their ability level, like cab driver, janitorial staff, and bartender.

Mike Młynarczyk understands the hosts’ plight. He was slated to join Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic for a new morning show on ESPN. However, the Mike & Mike & Mike show never made it to air as the chyron lacked the technology to spell his last name. He now hosts a podcast where he explains how Atlanta blew the Superbowl to toddlers aged 2-3.

“I’m not bitter. Podcasts are the future. I don’t need ESPN…” He then added tearfully, “Even FS1 turned me down. FS1! Is this what hell feels like?”

Other cuts at the sports giant include commentators only calling the second half of games, switching overnight programming to public access shows and canceling the struggling 20th ESPN channel, ESPNJenga.

Disney will merge many ESPN shows with popular Disney Channel series. “Outside The Lines” will become a subplot in “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.” A new version of an ESPN football program will debut called “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody & NFL Insiders.”


State Budget Hilights

February 27, 2017

budget-01

Governor Malloy’s proposed budget has the capital abuzz. It fulfills his pledge to not raise taxes by having cities and towns raise them instead. Labor unions are called on to make concessions. There is further talk that legislators’ salaries may increase more slowly. To make up the difference, legislators would be allowed to keep tip jars in their offices.

The plan also raises government fees. For example, people who enjoy drinking liquids will be penalized for their guilty pleasure with a doubling in bottle deposits. Cremation certificate fees would rise from $150 to $200. Dead people caught cremating without paying the fee will be reconstituted into corporeal form at their expense.

Many proposals are popular, such as levying property taxes on hospitals. “This is a way for the State to tell people in ICU to stop thinking they’re better than everyone just because they have a life-threatening condition,” said an unnamed Malloy supporter, Donna Davis.

A tripling in fees for pistol permits has the backing of Home Invasion advocates like MS-13. The removal of the state’s minimum price law for alcohol is popular with street bums and is projected to help Democrat consumers come to terms with last year’s election.

At the same time, Malloy wants to keep intact his 30-year, $100 billion transportation initiative to improve mobility.

“Our administration wants to ease traffic congestion,” said the governor’s spokesman in Hindi. “The best way to do that is through tolls and increased gas taxes to reduce the number of people who can afford cars. We also eliminate interstate rest areas to encourage people with weak bladders to either travel faster to their destination or just stay off the highway. Of course, thanks to the governor’s tireless efforts, many people are moving out of the State, so most congestion problems will solve themselves.” According to Google Translate, the spokesman went on to extol curry and mango chutney.

Malloy’s budget also raises the cigarette tax from $3.90 a pack to four million billion dollars. His budget planners say the tax will solve the budget crisis and allow them to finally build the Dannel P. Malloy Spaceport and Tribute Center along with five fifty-foot-tall giant robots to guard it.

Stories from around the state:
– Dyslexic Fan Upset By UConn Women Basketball’s 0-29 Start

– Bridgeport Mayor Celebrates Two Years Of Not Taking Bribes

– Mohegan Sun: Tribes Choose East Windsor for New Connecticut Casino. Was the Fix in Against Forestville Once Again?