Annual Reading of the City Ordinances to Take Place Sunday

April 7, 2018

The annual “Reading of the City Ordinances” will take place Sunday at the Page Park Pavilion beginning at 11AM.

City councilors accompanied by the mayor will lead a procession into the park where they will read all the city ordinances including the appendixes.

The mayor, plus each councilor, will individually arrive carried on a palanquin by eight grown men, wearing color coordinated sashes and turbans.

Citizens are encouraged to arrive early as the streets around the park will be filled with cheering crowds.

While his colleagues read from Bristol’s Book of Ordinances, Councilman Greg Hahn will play an accompaniment on his horn featuring songs from the Great American Song Book including Duke Ellington, Dave Brubeck and Tommy Tutone.

The ceremony begins with a reading from the Charter before moving through the ordinances beginning with Chapter 1, General Provisions and concluding with Chapter 23, Ordinance Enforcement.

Special Guest readers will include state legislators “Give em Hell” Henri Martin and Whitt Betts (R-78), who must leave early for reasons only he and he alone knows.

Others dignitaries expected to attend, but only to wave at the adoring crowds are Cara Christine Pavalock-D’Amato (R-77) and Laura Bartok, Democratic challenger in the 77th state house district.

Meanwhile, City Councilor Josh Medeiros will appear in the role as Josh Medeiros, and City Councilor Peter Kelley with an e will appear courtesy of Peter Kelley with an e.



Alan Boardman is a former reporter for McClatchy newspapers, New York Times, London Times, San Francisco Bee, Wall Street Journal, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, The Christin Science Monitor, The Boston Globe, Houston Chronicle, and Toronto Star where he covered business, CIA, Justice Department, Foreign relations, and Tourism.

He throws right hits both, shoots 85% from the line and has a QB rating of 101.7. He once had a bank account with Bristol Savings Bank, and read the Warren Report in an afternoon because he was bored.

Alan Boardman has nothing to do after lunch today so if anyone from the “inner circle” is around text him because he would like to go out for an Iced coffee; yesterday has not ended yet.


Susan Bysiewicz Enters Race for – Blah-Bidy-Blah-Blah-Blah

April 6, 2018

After months of speculation, Susan Bysiewicz announced Tuesday she is running for governor.

Ms. Bysiewicz is a former Secretary of the State for the State of Connecticut, a former state representative, author, a lawyer in private practice and – Blah-Bidy-Blah-Blah-Blah.

Speaking with Boardman while jumping on a trampoline she said, “I am running for governor…because our charter says we need a governor so here…I am. This is happening. Whoa!”

Currently, there are about two dozen candidates seeking the governor’s office. Ms. Bysiewicz however, says her candidacy is unique, “I think I am unique especially amongst the Democratic candidates because I am the only person in this race named Susan Bysiewicz. Who else can say that?”

She says she’ll “fight for good-paying jobs, pay equity for women, protecting the poor, reigning in the wealthy’s influence and work with the opposing party while improving health care, roads, water, education, the environment” – Blah-Bidy-Blah-Blah-Blah.

When advised of Ms. Bysiewicz announcement, state GOP Chairman J.R. Romano chuckled.

What Does Boardman Know about Susan Bysiewicz

• Susan Bysiewicz name is Susan Bysiewicz
• Susan Bysiewicz is female
• Susan Bysiewicz lives in Connecticut
• Spelling “Bysiewicz” is a real nightmare, especially if you are bad at spelling and, or are, dyslexic. The i and the e are just trouble and don’t get me started on the c and the z.

According to a friend of Boardman, what are Susan Bysiewicz Keys to Victory?

• Change her last name to Smith
• Voter fraud
• The Republican nominee drops put

What do we know about Boardman’s Friend?

• She is a disillusioned and angry voter
• She has no desire to go fishing
• She has a decent jump shot from about 15 feet

Coffee with Three Legislators

March 6, 2018

“Give em Hell” Henri Martin, Cara “DaVille” Pavalock-D’Amato and Whit Betts will host a Coffee Hour this Friday at 9AM at the Whack Shack in Forestville.

In a relaxed and soothing atmosphere devoid of stress, life’s trappings and opposing viewpoints, the public is invited to hear how crummy the state is, what an incompetent governor Malloy happens to be and why state democrats are useless.

All residents with similar misgivings are encouraged to attend and to say the state sucks, but in a lovely voice and a disingenuous smile.

Coffee will be available but not provided.

Those unable to attend because they work – too bad pound sand.

This sentence was written to punish the reader. And this sentence was written to simply waste time. This sentence however; is the last one so thank you and goodbye.

Laura Bartok Throws Her Hat in the Ring

March 5, 2018

Laura Bartok announced Saturday on Facebook, surrounded by friends, supporters and a N450 cable modem router, that she is a candidate for the Democratic nomination in Connecticut’s 77th House District.

Ms. Bartok will have a general fundraiser March 9th, which Boardman was not personally invited to by the candidate because he will not put a stylish and colorful yard sign with her name on his lawn.

Money is the name of the game in politics so other fundraisers are in the works for her including:

* The Laura Bartok 5K
* The Laura Bartok Celebrity Pro-Am Golf Tournament
* The Laura Bartok Benefit Concert featuring the acoustic group Medicare-for-all, and local bar band Closed Casket

She is joined in the race by fellow Democrat Kevin Fuller with the winner advancing to a showdown versus the incumbent Cara Pavalock-D’Amato.

Let’s get down to the nut-cracking…what do we know about Laura Bartok and what is her scouting report per Baseball Prospectus?

* Laura Bartok is maybe 5 foot something
* 34ish in age
* Is a member of the St. Paul mafia
* Bats right throws right
Hit: Average bat speed; patient at the plate and takes close pitches, slight hitch; barrel lags through zone; surprising pop in bat, mild recognition of spin
Defense: Average arm; accurate and chest-high throws on routine plays; arm is fine for 2B; range is a plus
* Ran in 2016 and was defeated by Cara
* Committed to working with humans
* Thinks Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone but has some doubt after watching the movie JFK

Legislator Seeks Another Term

February 27, 2018

Last week Bristol Democrat Chris Ziogas announced he is seeking re-election to the Connecticut state legislature in the 79th District.

During his first term Mr. Ziogas kept a low profile so much so that residents were caught off guard by his announcement.

“We have a state representative named Chris Ziogas? Is that with a K or a C?”, asked one voter.

Asked another, “There is a 79th district and we are in it?”

As the “new guy” in the General Assembly and the junior member of the Bristol delegation his duties are clerical and administrative.

“I get coffee for Henri (Martin), the newspaper for Whitt (Betts) and when Cara (Pavalock-D’Amato) finds her inner Gwyneth Paltrow, I rub her tired feet. It could be worse I suppose; it could be Whit’s tired feet,” Mr. Ziogas told Boardman confidentially while stuffing envelopes and licking stamps for the governor.

Should Mr. Ziogas win re-election he has the following goals:

1) Take a photograph with the governor
2) Restock the LOB supply closet
3) Run the NCAA office pool
4) Find a large campaign donor

Again With the Tolls?

February 24, 2018

Governor Dannel P. Malloy is once again proposing electronic tolling on Connecticut highways so the transportation fund won’t go insolvent.

Mr. Malloy has requested tolls numerous times during his tenure, but they were never taken seriously as they were only met with giggles, chuckles and guffaws by anyone that could breathe. As a result, the governor made his recent announcement surrounded by large men wielding baseball bats and clubs.

A recent poll showed that 90% of people who don’t live in Connecticut support the proposed toll booths.

“Ja, it sounds real yum yum,” said one pollee in Copenhagen.

Malloy said tolls are wildly popular, especially amongst Connecticut residents that do not drive. “Connecticut will continue to lead the country in coming up with creative and diverse ways of taxation,” he added.

The governor made it known that he believes the tolls will be very attractive, and supported by the populace. Consequently, he will propose before leaving office expanding the tolls to include the state’s bike paths, golf cart paths and the Tunxis Blue Trail.

Frequent Malloy critic House Minority Leader Themis Klarides, wearing a nice red blazer and charcoal pants, had no comment instead she choose to frown and squint her eyes at Boardman.

And We are Off! Martin, Betts and Pavalock-D’Amato to Run Again

February 10, 2018

Three Bristol Republicans, Henri Martin, Whit Betts and Cara Christine Pavalock-D’Amato, announced they are seeking re-election for state office in 2018.

Here is a quick snapshot of the candidates in under 350 words because Boardman is going to IKEA this morning despite my misgivings.

Henri Martin State Senator, (R31)

Martin is seeking office in the 31st District, according to the press release issued in Sanskrit by the three-term state senator.

“Give ’em Hell Henri” is a State Senator by day and a real estate guy by night. The only thing missing is a red cape.

A top priority for Senator Martin is the state deficit. Or, is it? “I am happy there is a state deficit of epic proportions because it gives me something to campaign on,” Mr. Martin told Boardman telepathically.

Whit Betts State Representative (R-78)

Whitt Betts, the gentleman of Bristol politics, has served admirably and adeptly during his tenure in the state legislature. Not only that but he is the longest serving member of the trio.

“I have served for eight years and I do believe in term limits but not until I qualify for my state pension, which will be in two years!” he explained to Boardman over a bottle of 1959 Chateau Lafite.

Cara Christine Pavalock- D’Amato, State Representatives (R-77)

Cara Christine Pavalock-D’Amato has the longest name in Bristol politics with middle names, hyphens and surnames combined; it gives Boardman a headache.

During her four years in Hartford, Cara has begun to develop an independent streak as she bucked the system and voted against a negotiated bipartisan budget, which Boardman likes and respects.

The U.S. Constitution is a priority for Cara, telling Boardman while hand washing her Ann Taylor nylons, “I love freedom of speech as long as that speech does not criticize me.”

She is also a supporter of the 2nd Amendment because blah, blah, blah. However, where she stands on the quartering of troops as written in the Third Amendment or the Commerce Clause (Article 1, Section 8, Clause 3) remains a mystery.

Meanwhile on the other side crickets.

This sentence intentionally does not add any information.