State Lawmaker Themis Klarides Has Not Smiled in Years, Lawmakers Concerned

September 14, 2017

Connecticut’s Regular Legislative Session adjourned June 7th without reaching a budget agreement regarding the two-year budget for 2018-2019.

State lawmakers are worried not because they have yet to have a budget deal, but because House Republican Leader Themis Klarides did not smile during the entire session.

However, one capitol observer noted, “When the subject of state employee concessions and layoffs were discussed a wave of pleasure fell across her face again and again, but when the discussion ended her face contorted and she resumed to frowning, squinting and looking miserable.”

The Connecticut State Medical Society said her blank lifeless stare could have a detrimental effect and become a permanent impediment.

A Facebook group (Themis Klarides Please Smile) formed and has more than 4,000 “likes” and people have been posting smile memes and instructions on how to smile.

Themis Klarides Not Smiling…Again

Consequently, her colleagues such as State Senator Len Fasano tried to get to smile by reliving happy legislative moments including when the Republicans proposed cutting $100 million in funding from the University of Connecticut and the UConn Health Center. She continued to frown.

Her colleagues then held a closed-door hour long meeting pleading with Ms. Klarides to smile. It did nothing.

In August she even came to Bristol for a fundraiser for the mayor, and was provided with a free slice of pizza from Max’s. She remained glum. Maybe it was the thick crust.

This story is still developing and updates will be provided as they warrant.

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Connecticut Held Hostage: Day 60 – A New Hope

August 30, 2017

A whole generation of Connecticutans are growing up with no memory of a state with a budget.

“My mother said Connecticut used to have budgets, but kids at school called me a liar and made fun of me,” said five-year-old kindergartner and know-it-all Wendy Struthers.

“Way back in June of ought-seventeen it was, we last had a budget,” reminisced State Representative Joe Williams (I – Bridgeton).  “Back then, people knew the value of a dollar – about fifty cents.”

“But now everyone thinks having no budget is normal.  That deficits are cool.  But try and get a loan with no budget and a huge deficit.  The senate just got a response from MasterCard to their credit card application.  It was two pages filled with the letters ‘LOL!’  When the governor visits the bank, the tellers hide the lollipops and go on lunch break.”

Ratings agencies downgraded the state’s debt.  Tuesday, Moody’s warned they may downgrade it further to the status of “junk”, also known as “Illinois”.

Williams frowned.  “The only people who will lend to the state now are the Maynards down the road.  They own a sheep farm and let us borrow a couple ewes until we can pay for real desks to write on.  They aren’t very steady and they smell, but are they soft!”

“As a Democrat,” said State Senator Chad Johnson (D – Old Haven), “we solve budget problems by raising taxes and cutting the military.  But voters seem upset about the taxes and Connecticut hasn’t had a real military since 1783, so that leaves only one option – I’m taking my state pension and moving to Florida!”

Williams has an innovative solution to the deficit.  “We’ll do what every responsible government does.  We’ll make our own currency and print our way out of it.”

His plan is to revive the old system of colonial currency.  Dollars will be replaced by pounds, shillings and pence and in the case of Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun – beads.

Asked to comment, Speaker of the House Joe Aresimowicz (D – Berlin/Southington) said, “We have a Williams in the House?”


Day 16 Connecticut Held Hostage

July 26, 2017

The budget calamity reminds one of the famous line by Winston Churchill, “These are the times that try men’s souls.” This comment about the 1957 Eurovision song contest may as well been made about the current fiscal battle in Connecticut.

General Fund revenues may drop $400 million in the FY2017 compared to FY2016 with outgoing year revenues $400 million below 2016 expectations. 2017-18 State finances project to run $2.3 billion in deficit or 12% short and 2018-19, $2.8 billion or 14% – a 14% change in the increase in decrease. 100% avoidance in upward trends in tax correlating to 2011 and 2015, spending in 32 of 61 localities over 1.52% municipal and 1.37% education, and mill rates beyond 2.86% is priority 1. But what does this mean?

A Maple Street beggar, Jericho Threshold put it in simple terms. “If pension contributions double to 4%, 33% below the national mean against 1.6% June inflation and 1.6% 2016 GDP growth with a 1.3% price deflator, a 40-year Tier 2 employee retires at $100k but receives a $65K package, while 9-month term teachers make more with $80k at 60 and get 70% of last year pay with 0% contribution. Therefore, Train A traveling 40 mph meets a 30 mph 1,490 kW GG20B in 2 hours with p < 0.05."

Annie Albright, age 10 in 2 years minus 3, makes tiny slippers for cats on Etsy. She notes, "One bill with 78 Democrats supporting, 1% less than the normative 52.3%, claims $0.785 billion per annum median savings for 2 years for 23.3%, but add 2022 – 2027 to current benefits contracts, leaving 5 +/- 1. Turning to the pie chart, if we add the 18 Democrat senators divided by 3 moderates which gives us 6, 10% favor a 1.1% increase to a 6.99% sales tax; against 18 Republicans less 3 who like red cat slippers. If Senator Looney's father is 45, 15 years older than him who is twice his age, how old is Looney?"

Chris Shoeless, representative for Upper Mystic and local Republican party chairman, said, "Sorry, I don't follow politics."

With news that the protection of Connecticut State worker pensions is a top priority for budget writers, a spokesman for the Florida Department of Revenue said, "Whew!"

Extra Credit:
Governor Dannel Malloy has 11 more nickels that he took from taxpayers than quarters. How many coins does he have if the total value of his coins is $2.65?


Financial Difficulties Hit Connecticut – Ten Injured

July 3, 2017

Hartford faces an inextricable financial crisis. City leaders met in May to discuss the possibility of filing for bankruptcy or running money-raising schemes like making the fire department available for bachelorette parties or listing the Mark Twain and Harriet Beecher Stowe Houses on Airbnb. However, a group of citizens have stepped forward to offer a real solution.

The group is a gang in the North End spun off from The Bloods, that call themselves “The Sera.” Gang leader Jimmie “Deadeye” Brown said they pledge to launch a three-state crime spree, robbing 7-Eleven’s and Cumberland Farms to raise cash money for Hartford.

“This is our town we talking about,” said Deadeye. “I hate seeing city services decline outside of the police department. How can I do drive-bys if my caddy is hitting potholes every half block?”

Connecticut itself is also entrenched in a monetary crisis, largely driven by an out-of-control state pension system. But the idea of pension reform was quickly scrapped after a few hundred pensioners stormed the General Assembly wielding canes and swinging catheter bags.

Juan Carlos Guzman has his own plan to ease the crisis. “A lot of states legalized marijuana to raise money. So there’s too much competition,” he said. “So if the governor legalize something other than marijuana like for discussion topic, crack, you solve budget deficit like that, huh? I’m not saying I sell drugs, but for conversation I’m not having, say the governor makes me sole vendor for the state and I cut the state in for say, twice what the Indians do with their little casinos down south…”

He pointed to court documents which show how lucrative this deal could be. In the third and fourth quarters of 2016, his organization that for conversation he does not run, reported record profits. This includes a 18.6% year-over-year increase from sales of “Chunga Munga”, a designer drug distilled from used socks stolen from senior living centers.

Long-time friend of Governor Malloy, Don Fusilli Cannelloni wants talk of a debt crisis to end. Speaking from a Barcalounger resting on the back of a mafia informant, Mr. Cannelloni said he offered to loan the state enough money to satisfy creditors. Asked whether he worried the state would repay his loan, he replied, “The governor Dannel, Dannie Dan Dan I call him; I trust. Dan Dan agreed he pay me back in six months or he has a talk with Sal about which kneecap he wants broken first.”

Related News
– Mafia Group Pitches In For Local Cemetery
– Humanitarian Award To Don Macaroni For Efforts To Help Get Children On Drugs
– Signor Maccheroni al Pèttine To Mayor Gnocchi: “Whatsa Matta You?”

Update:
To cut spending, Governor Malloy has announced that the traditional large fireworks display for the Fourth of July holiday will be replaced by two kids with some bottle rockets.


Desperately Seeking Tax Increases

April 27, 2017

Legislative Democrats at the Connecticut State Capitol are disappointed that the bonding committee will not recommend major tax hikes this year. “What is wrong with these people?” asked Senate President Pro Tempore Martin M. Looney as he began to tear up. “It’s our bread and butter.”

State Senator Beth Bye was equally stymied and dramatically asked, “What is the point of a legislative session if we are not going to have tax increases? Isn’t that why we are here?”

Consequently, Democrats in the House and the Senate, desperate to sign tax legislation that would raise taxes, frantically called legislators in other states and pleaded to allow Connecticut lawmakers the opportunity to sign legislation in their jurisdiction, which would raise taxes on individuals, corporations and or dead people.


Local Republican Legislators to Meet with Constituents in Soothing Atmosphere

March 4, 2017

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State legislators Whit Betts, Cara Pavalock and Henri Martin will be holding a coffee hour later this month. The public is invited for coffee and conversation in a completely relaxed setting.

While hearing about the latest updates from the State Capital, constituents will be lavished with soothing music, tranquil paint colors and the calming scent of lavender.

Every constituent attending the coffee hour will be doted on and catered to. There will be candles, soft textures and a harpist to ease the mind, body and soul.

In this calm and relaxing setting, Whit Betts will discuss the state budget and do his latest yoga poses and sequences.

“Give ’Em Hell” Henri will cultivate constructive thoughts and meditate.

And Cara will listen intently to residents and respond without judging in a pleasant and caring voice.

The location of the relaxing coffee hour is to be determined.


State Budget Hilights

February 27, 2017

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Governor Malloy’s proposed budget has the capital abuzz. It fulfills his pledge to not raise taxes by having cities and towns raise them instead. Labor unions are called on to make concessions. There is further talk that legislators’ salaries may increase more slowly. To make up the difference, legislators would be allowed to keep tip jars in their offices.

The plan also raises government fees. For example, people who enjoy drinking liquids will be penalized for their guilty pleasure with a doubling in bottle deposits. Cremation certificate fees would rise from $150 to $200. Dead people caught cremating without paying the fee will be reconstituted into corporeal form at their expense.

Many proposals are popular, such as levying property taxes on hospitals. “This is a way for the State to tell people in ICU to stop thinking they’re better than everyone just because they have a life-threatening condition,” said an unnamed Malloy supporter, Donna Davis.

A tripling in fees for pistol permits has the backing of Home Invasion advocates like MS-13. The removal of the state’s minimum price law for alcohol is popular with street bums and is projected to help Democrat consumers come to terms with last year’s election.

At the same time, Malloy wants to keep intact his 30-year, $100 billion transportation initiative to improve mobility.

“Our administration wants to ease traffic congestion,” said the governor’s spokesman in Hindi. “The best way to do that is through tolls and increased gas taxes to reduce the number of people who can afford cars. We also eliminate interstate rest areas to encourage people with weak bladders to either travel faster to their destination or just stay off the highway. Of course, thanks to the governor’s tireless efforts, many people are moving out of the State, so most congestion problems will solve themselves.” According to Google Translate, the spokesman went on to extol curry and mango chutney.

Malloy’s budget also raises the cigarette tax from $3.90 a pack to four million billion dollars. His budget planners say the tax will solve the budget crisis and allow them to finally build the Dannel P. Malloy Spaceport and Tribute Center along with five fifty-foot-tall giant robots to guard it.

Stories from around the state:
– Dyslexic Fan Upset By UConn Women Basketball’s 0-29 Start

– Bridgeport Mayor Celebrates Two Years Of Not Taking Bribes

– Mohegan Sun: Tribes Choose East Windsor for New Connecticut Casino. Was the Fix in Against Forestville Once Again?