Financial Difficulties Hit Connecticut – Ten Injured

July 3, 2017

Hartford faces an inextricable financial crisis. City leaders met in May to discuss the possibility of filing for bankruptcy or running money-raising schemes like making the fire department available for bachelorette parties or listing the Mark Twain and Harriet Beecher Stowe Houses on Airbnb. However, a group of citizens have stepped forward to offer a real solution.

The group is a gang in the North End spun off from The Bloods, that call themselves “The Sera.” Gang leader Jimmie “Deadeye” Brown said they pledge to launch a three-state crime spree, robbing 7-Eleven’s and Cumberland Farms to raise cash money for Hartford.

“This is our town we talking about,” said Deadeye. “I hate seeing city services decline outside of the police department. How can I do drive-bys if my caddy is hitting potholes every half block?”

Connecticut itself is also entrenched in a monetary crisis, largely driven by an out-of-control state pension system. But the idea of pension reform was quickly scrapped after a few hundred pensioners stormed the General Assembly wielding canes and swinging catheter bags.

Juan Carlos Guzman has his own plan to ease the crisis. “A lot of states legalized marijuana to raise money. So there’s too much competition,” he said. “So if the governor legalize something other than marijuana like for discussion topic, crack, you solve budget deficit like that, huh? I’m not saying I sell drugs, but for conversation I’m not having, say the governor makes me sole vendor for the state and I cut the state in for say, twice what the Indians do with their little casinos down south…”

He pointed to court documents which show how lucrative this deal could be. In the third and fourth quarters of 2016, his organization that for conversation he does not run, reported record profits. This includes a 18.6% year-over-year increase from sales of “Chunga Munga”, a designer drug distilled from used socks stolen from senior living centers.

Long-time friend of Governor Malloy, Don Fusilli Cannelloni wants talk of a debt crisis to end. Speaking from a Barcalounger resting on the back of a mafia informant, Mr. Cannelloni said he offered to loan the state enough money to satisfy creditors. Asked whether he worried the state would repay his loan, he replied, “The governor Dannel, Dannie Dan Dan I call him; I trust. Dan Dan agreed he pay me back in six months or he has a talk with Sal about which kneecap he wants broken first.”

Related News
– Mafia Group Pitches In For Local Cemetery
– Humanitarian Award To Don Macaroni For Efforts To Help Get Children On Drugs
– Signor Maccheroni al Pèttine To Mayor Gnocchi: “Whatsa Matta You?”

Update:
To cut spending, Governor Malloy has announced that the traditional large fireworks display for the Fourth of July holiday will be replaced by two kids with some bottle rockets.


Desperately Seeking Tax Increases

April 27, 2017

Legislative Democrats at the Connecticut State Capitol are disappointed that the bonding committee will not recommend major tax hikes this year. “What is wrong with these people?” asked Senate President Pro Tempore Martin M. Looney as he began to tear up. “It’s our bread and butter.”

State Senator Beth Bye was equally stymied and dramatically asked, “What is the point of a legislative session if we are not going to have tax increases? Isn’t that why we are here?”

Consequently, Democrats in the House and the Senate, desperate to sign tax legislation that would raise taxes, frantically called legislators in other states and pleaded to allow Connecticut lawmakers the opportunity to sign legislation in their jurisdiction, which would raise taxes on individuals, corporations and or dead people.


Local Republican Legislators to Meet with Constituents in Soothing Atmosphere

March 4, 2017

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State legislators Whit Betts, Cara Pavalock and Henri Martin will be holding a coffee hour later this month. The public is invited for coffee and conversation in a completely relaxed setting.

While hearing about the latest updates from the State Capital, constituents will be lavished with soothing music, tranquil paint colors and the calming scent of lavender.

Every constituent attending the coffee hour will be doted on and catered to. There will be candles, soft textures and a harpist to ease the mind, body and soul.

In this calm and relaxing setting, Whit Betts will discuss the state budget and do his latest yoga poses and sequences.

“Give ’Em Hell” Henri will cultivate constructive thoughts and meditate.

And Cara will listen intently to residents and respond without judging in a pleasant and caring voice.

The location of the relaxing coffee hour is to be determined.


State Budget Hilights

February 27, 2017

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Governor Malloy’s proposed budget has the capital abuzz. It fulfills his pledge to not raise taxes by having cities and towns raise them instead. Labor unions are called on to make concessions. There is further talk that legislators’ salaries may increase more slowly. To make up the difference, legislators would be allowed to keep tip jars in their offices.

The plan also raises government fees. For example, people who enjoy drinking liquids will be penalized for their guilty pleasure with a doubling in bottle deposits. Cremation certificate fees would rise from $150 to $200. Dead people caught cremating without paying the fee will be reconstituted into corporeal form at their expense.

Many proposals are popular, such as levying property taxes on hospitals. “This is a way for the State to tell people in ICU to stop thinking they’re better than everyone just because they have a life-threatening condition,” said an unnamed Malloy supporter, Donna Davis.

A tripling in fees for pistol permits has the backing of Home Invasion advocates like MS-13. The removal of the state’s minimum price law for alcohol is popular with street bums and is projected to help Democrat consumers come to terms with last year’s election.

At the same time, Malloy wants to keep intact his 30-year, $100 billion transportation initiative to improve mobility.

“Our administration wants to ease traffic congestion,” said the governor’s spokesman in Hindi. “The best way to do that is through tolls and increased gas taxes to reduce the number of people who can afford cars. We also eliminate interstate rest areas to encourage people with weak bladders to either travel faster to their destination or just stay off the highway. Of course, thanks to the governor’s tireless efforts, many people are moving out of the State, so most congestion problems will solve themselves.” According to Google Translate, the spokesman went on to extol curry and mango chutney.

Malloy’s budget also raises the cigarette tax from $3.90 a pack to four million billion dollars. His budget planners say the tax will solve the budget crisis and allow them to finally build the Dannel P. Malloy Spaceport and Tribute Center along with five fifty-foot-tall giant robots to guard it.

Stories from around the state:
– Dyslexic Fan Upset By UConn Women Basketball’s 0-29 Start

– Bridgeport Mayor Celebrates Two Years Of Not Taking Bribes

– Mohegan Sun: Tribes Choose East Windsor for New Connecticut Casino. Was the Fix in Against Forestville Once Again?


Mayor Against State Mandate for Firehouse Dalmatians

February 21, 2017

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Due to financial concerns the mayor testified last week at the Legislative Office Building against a state mandate that would provide workers compensation coverage for first responders suffering from PTSD.

Following his testimony, the mayor also came out against a state mandate for firehouse Dalmatians as well. “I am grateful for the services Dalmatians provide for our firehouses, but I don’t believe municipalities should be required to feed them. They can eat table scraps or beg. They are dogs so they knew the deal when they signed up.”

He also expressed concern for the costs associated with the animals. “Do you know how much a dog costs? Lots. Grooming, vet visits, doggy daycare. It is a system mired in fraud.”

The mayor is also worried that an unfunded mandate for Dalmatians will result in other mandates as well. “If we are forced to pay for the fire department’s dog then we’ll be required to pay for the Public Works wombat, the Tax Office badger and the Water Department’s pufferfish. In case you didn’t notice I do not like to spend money unless it is my idea.”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.


Bristol Hospital Going Out Of Business Sale?

February 14, 2017

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If Governor Malloy’s proposal to levy a property tax on nonprofit hospitals goes through, Bristol Hospital could go out of business, said Bristol Hospital president and CEO Kurt Barwis Saturday.

Given the dire prognosis, the 96-year-old hospital will be forced to sell all of its assets to the bare walls. Said Barwis, “The prices are so low I will be practically giving everything away!”

In a commercial spot to air upon bankruptcy, Barwis guarantees that “unlike blood clots, nothing will be held back!”

“Creditors have given Bristol Hospital three months to live, so we’re having a going-out-of-business sale. Faster than an enema on constipation, everything must go!

“We took a bone saw to prices on all equipment and supplies. Surgical Care, Diagnostic Imaging, Intensive Care – we’re pulling the plug on all departments! No reasonable offer will be refused. Unreasonable offers won’t be either.

“Check out our beds. They go up and down!

“All gurneys priced to move!

“Buy four gently used speculums, get a bedpan free!

“Bartenders, mix your next drink with our blood transfusion machines!

“Parents, imagine the fun your kids will have when they ride in and out of their very own MRI machine. Whoops! Watch those metal braces.

“And what says, ‘I love you’ more than getting your special someone birthing stirrups from the Bristol Hospital.

“And guys, don’t forget the sale on all items in our popular Pharmacy.

“Bristol Hospital will not be undersold. We beat competitors’ prices to a concussive subdural hematoma. Like death, all sales must be final. So come on down to 41 Brewster Road for the Grand Opening of our Grand Closing! Bristol Hospital – Our prices are clinically insaaaaaane!”


Connecticut’s New Lottery Game

December 16, 2016

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The Connecticut Lottery officials announced the sale of a new scratch game, with guaranteed prizes yesterday. The new game, called ‘Scratch & Win’, sells for one dollar and every ticket is a $1.00 winner or a free ticket.

Players just need to scratch the one box on the scratchboard to be a winner and redeem the ticket at lottery headquarters.

Due to the state deficit, if the winner elects to take the cash payout, they must take an annuity which will be paid out in annual intervals over ten years. A lump sum payment of $1.00 is not allowed for this game. A free ticket winner however, can be redeemed at the point of purchase, provided the winner completes the necessary paperwork, according to lottery officials.