Sunday Conversation

March 19, 2017

One reason so many government secrets have leaked recently is an executive order Obama signed just before leaving office, which orders all intelligence to be disseminated among an incredible 17 different agencies. No one has wanted to go on record to discuss these agencies, until now. Boardman found one man, George Henniwell, who would. Henniwell is an amateur researcher on government agencies and a level 100 shaman in World of Warcraft.

Boardman: Hello, Mr. Henniwell.

Henniwell: Have you met Scully and Mulder?

Boardman: No. Now you know the identities of the intelligence agencies classified information is now shared between.

Henniwell: So you don’t know about alien visitations.

Boardman: No. About the intelligence agencies…

Henniwell: I know them all, but many are secret. The others are ones everyone already knows – the CIA, NSA, DNI, DIA, NCIS, Cybercommand, Department of Agriculture, Department of Janitorial Services, Bristol Police Department, and Stargate Command.

Boardman: You mention one I hadn’t heard of. The Department of Agriculture has an intelligence agency?

Henniwell: In fact they have placed American cows in politically important herds in Russia to spy on Volga grazing plans.

Boardman: We also hear that our agencies now share information freely with foreign intelligence services.

Henniwell: Oh absolutely. We share it with many countries, like Germany, England, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, and Peru.

Boardman: We’re sharing information with Peruvian intelligence?

Henniwell: Oh absolutely. Peru after all lets us have an Air Force Base in the Andes.

Boardman: We have an Air Force Base in the Andes?

Henniwell: Oh absolutely, to keep down the threat of yeti there on vacation. Of course being in the mountains, our runways are small. So we mostly launch drones and fly ultralight aircraft from the base; shorter pilots fly on the backs of condors. Like in Avatar.

Boardman: Okay. It was nice talking to you. I have to go.

Henniwell: I have to fold my laundry anyway. If you want to talk more, I’m here in my parents’ basement 24/7. Say hi to Director Skinner for me!


Sunday Conversation: Kenneth Shelby

July 24, 2016

Sunday Conversation 01

In an exclusive, AB secured an interview with an elusive candidate for the 77th seat, Mr. Kenneth Shelby of the newly formed Bristol First Party. We sat down for a Sunday conversation.

Boardman: Thanks for speaking with us, Mr. Shelby.

KS: I’m not Mr. Shelby.

Boardman: I have a picture of you right here with your name right on it.

KS: Oh.

Boardman: Mr. Shelby, opponents say you duck debates.

KS: Tea?

Boardman: That you dissemble, evade and don’t like talk about the issues.

KS: Maybe you’re a lemonade person.

Boardman: They say you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

KS: That’s not true. I do know! I have lots of great ideas.

Boardman: Critics point out that you also have a few “wacky” ones as if you threw them in for effect. For instance, you want to bring in coal companies to strip-mine and plunder Fall Mountain, lower the voting age to seven and balance the budget with special taxes on soda jerks and leech collectors, ignoring the fact those occupations no longer exist. What do you say in your defense?

KS: Look! I made you a sweater!

The Democratic Primary is August 9th 2016, and the general election will be held on November 8, 2016. Stay informed all year with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.

Sunday Conversation with Forestville’s George Hovel

July 17, 2016

Sunday Conversation 01

With elections for the 77th district seat coming up, this column decided to interview the candidates. However since no major ones were available, a minor one was interviewed instead: George Hovel, candidate for the Green Party, who has made the environment a cornerstone of his campaign sat down for a Sunday conversation.

Boardman: Tell us about your background.

GH: I tested elevators in the Otis Elevator testing tower for 20 years. They finally let me go because I lost all sense of direction.

Boardman: You can no longer tell north from south?

GH: No, I can’t tell up from down. I can’t tell you how often I’ve gone to visit the top of the Empire State Building, but ended up in the basement.

Boardman: Why join the Green Party?

GH: The Green Party is against technology and science. As a former Creationist, that appeals to me. Also, I like the color green.

Boardman: What would you do if elected?

GH: Stop all climate change — keep the climate from ever changing. I don’t want another ice age or hot age that brings dinosaurs back to Connecticut. Global Warming people say we already see the effects of climate change in how Bristol is less sparkly. In 100 years, nothing will sparkle. We must take action now before our city becomes irreversibly dull.

Boardman: How would you fight climate change?

GH: Ban all carbon, starting with carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, carbon paper and carbon testing. People will be required to hold their breath for five minutes a day. Carbon-polluting cars will be illegal. If people want to get around, use a horse! It was good enough for our forefathers. And it gives horses something to do besides eating grass and making fun of me behind my back. I also hate elevators. Are we on the second floor?

The election is August 9th 2016. Stay informed all year with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage

Sunday Conversation with Eminent Domain Regarding Route 6

July 3, 2016

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The City of Bristol is currently in the midst of conducting a study of Route 6 to determine the future development and management of the road.

Route 6/Farmington Avenue is a hodge podge of homes, retail, lights and Dunkin Donuts establishments.

However, the current study is being done because the City Planning Commission and a local attorney with a great deal of clout, gaze upon the residential properties along the roadway with lustful eyes and lolling tongues.

Could Eminent Domain be in our future?

Eminent Domain is the ability of the government to seize land for public or civic use. However, the government can also take private land and give it to private developers provided they can show it is for the public good.

Eminent Domain agreed to discuss that possibility at his plush offices on Middle Street, the location of the Bugryn family homes before he took their 32 acres almost 15 years ago, during our Sunday conversation.

Boardman: What do you think about Route 6?

ED: I am watching the “study” closely. There are some appealing properties on Route 6. Should they become available and deals cannot be made, Yahtzee!

Boardman: This is why you are not liked.

ED: I am not a bad guy, seriously. Sure the Bugryn’s thing did not go well but it was not personal. It was strictly business. Bristol has been good to me and I have been good for Bristol and especially Forestville. ESPN, Covanta Energy and the Otis Elevator testing facility are all because of me, Eminent Domain.

Boardman: People don’t want their land taken only to see it go to some private entity.

ED: I am not appreciated. It could be argued that if it were not for me, Eminent Domain…we would live in a world where there would be no ESPYs.

Boardman: Why be in the business of taking someone else’s property?

ED: The Fifth Amendment to the Constitution says, ‘nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation’ blah, blah, blah. All these people get paid so I fail to see the problem.

Boardman: How do you see your future?

ED: The usual stuff: Court battles, court dates and seizing property. Hopefully residential properties along the Route 6 corridor in several years. You may not like me but you have to live with me.