Oh No Not Again!

October 19, 2017

Having adjourned to the Chamber of Seclusion in the subterranean section of City Hall and, using the Cone of Decision to guide them, the Bristol City Council in a unanimous vote Monday night censured Mayor Ken Cockayne for the second time in as many years for sexual misconduct and dishonesty.

The council did not take this matter lightly. Acting mayor Tony D’Amato ordered the doors to the great chamber sealed with mortar and cement with instructions they not be opened until a decision was rendered, even if they ordered takeout.

Once the “council conclave” began the city councilor’s, in addition to using the Cone of Decision, consulted with the Great Orb of Influence, which had not been invoked since Frank Longo was mayor during the teacher’s strike in the 1970s.

Anticipation grew and speculation was plenty at 111 N. Main Street when suddenly white smoke spilled from a chimney atop City Hall, signifying the council had reached a decision.

Tony D’Amato emerged from the Chamber of Seclusion visibly shaken, but with his hands clasped together, he kept repeating, “Buona sera (good evening)! Buona sera!”

The town crier, dressed elaborately in a purple and gold coat, breeches, boots and a tricorne hat, read the news about the mayors’ fate using his outdoor voice.

Once the town crier completed his remarks, Calvin Brown and Mary Fortier released two white doves into the Bristol night in a gesture of hope. Where they obtained the doves and how they got the doves into the Chamber of Seclusion and past the Great Orb of Influence remains a mystery, and could warrant its own investigation.

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING

Egor (Mayor’s spokesperson)

“Ruh roh! Egor tink dis be bad. Rrr.”

Rick Kriscenski (possible write-in candidate for mayor)
“I predicted this would occur 20 years ago. If we had built an ice rink like I said this never would have happened. Oh, by the way, Trumpism will destroy Bristol.”

Ted Liu (Forestville resident)
“Bristol City Council Censures Mayor a Second Time? I think three times gets him a membership in the Academy in Hollywood.”

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Forestville Resident Really, Really Enjoys Commerce Clause, Not So Much the Second Amendment

April 18, 2016

commerce clause 01

The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution guarantees the right of the people to bear arms. It was ratified as part of the Bill of Rights in 1791 and has been subject to debate ever since. However, Forestville resident Ted Liu is not impressed. “If the right to bear arms is so important, why is it an amendment? The Commerce Clause was there from the get-go in 1789 and is on page one you can’t miss it: Article 1, Section 8, Clause 3.”

The Commerce Clause of the U.S. Constitution gives Congress the power “to regulate commerce with foreign nations, and among the several states, and with the Indian tribes.” It has been tested in court just like the second amendment and just like the second amendment it survives.

For Liu, it’s the best part of the U.S. Constitution, “You don’t need any background check to use it, there are no protests in the streets against it and no one is going to die using it,” he said while polishing his Commerce Clause pin collection to a mirror finish.

Ted wants to start a campaign which will educate, advocate and increase awareness about the Commerce Clause. He believes most citizens are aware of the U.S. Constitution, but oblivious to what is in it other than guns. “My goal is for Americans to become intimate with the Commerce Clause and have a love affair with it just like they do with guns. My friend Tony gets it now so progress has been made, but we still have a long way to go,” he remarked.


Residents Outraged Over Satan’s Forestville Vacation Plans

March 15, 2016
Satan to play a round at Chippanee Country Club

Satan to play 18 at Chippanee Country Club

Several months ago Satan announced his plans to vacation this summer in Forestville.

With his visit only mere months away, residents are nervous and outraged that the great deceiver is vacationing in their community.

“My initial response was ‘are you kidding me’”, said Ted Liu, who resides in Forestville with his wife and four children. He is deeply concerned that Satan will lead the community astray during his short and brief visit. “Children and Satan do not mix.”

Another resident Wilma Ramirez, who lives off of West Washington Street with her dogs and Geranium plants commented, “He is unvirtuous and should not be allowed to come here.”

Neighbors have started a petition against his vacation and are organizing rallies and meetings. However, according to officials, he is legally allowed to vacation in Forestville like anyone else because there is no ordinance against a deity, regardless of affiliation, staying for recreational purposes.

Details about the vacation are beginning to emerge, though. Satan will stay with friends in the historic section of Forestville and visit the Forestville Cemetery, play a round of golf at the Chippanee Country Club and eat at a local steakhouse.

It is not expected be a working vacation, but that provides little solace for a terrified community.

This story is not over.


Forestville Residents Confused by President’s Day

February 15, 2016

PRESIDENTS DAY

Maria Malvado is worried about President’s Day. “During Washington’s Birthday we are besieged with sales. Ten percent off this and ten percent off that. However, during MLK Day we pay full price on everything. How come?”

Dewey Jasper is tormented that President Lincoln has a state holiday but not his own federal holiday day and that he has to share recognition with 42 other presidents, presidents like William Henry Harrison. “Once Harrison got into office, he immediately took a bunch of sick days and then went and died. Who does that? Lincoln freed the slaves and was assassinated too, that’s worth a day, maybe two,” Mr. Jasper said.

Ted Liu is completely lost on how to celebrate President’s Day. “Is it just a day off or do we bake cakes, light candles or exchange gifts? Personally, I feel like I let down this holiday by not acknowledging it in a meaningful manner. I mean with Washington we know to have cherry pie because of the whole tree-chopping incident. I’m not aware of any other president’s cutting any shrubberies.”

President’s Day is an American federal holiday and it is observed on the third Monday of February to remember all the presidents.


Woman distraught after running out of Scotch Tape

January 22, 2009
Scotch Tape (file photo)

Scotch Tape (file photo)

Audra Weeks was wrapping a birthday present for a friend when suddenly she ran out of adhesive tape.  “I was pulling the tape from the dispenser and the next thing I know, the tape was gone.  I screamed to my husband Solomon but to no avail.”  Audra says she only needs two pieces of tape complete the wrapping project.

 

Scotch Tape spokesperson Ted Liu said that with any wrapping project preparation is essential, “We always recommend that the wrapper know how much tape they need versus how much tape they have.” 

 

The cost of additional Scotch Tape could exceed, $20.00 Audra said, in part because she would prefer to buy in bulk.  “I don’t want just one or two rolls on hand.  The tape will be gone by Christmas and that is the wrong time to be without adhesive tape.  That’s embarrassing,” she said.  Citing budgetary concerns Solomon Weeks would prefer a more modest purchase but he admits “She will do what she’s got to do.”