Octagon Fight Cage Under Consideration for Rockwell

May 21, 2017

Following a brawl at Rockwell Park and the resulting security concerns, the City of Bristol will be implementing changes to the park including increased patrols and a park ranger. However, that is only the beginning.

The Parks and Recreation Department will ask the Mayor and City Council to add an Octagon Fight Cage. The proposal is aimed at differentiating Bristol from surrounding communities.

The cage under consideration measures 750 square feet, 30 feet across and 6 feet high.

The Octagon Fight Cage can accommodate bare knuckle brawls, street fights, boxing and mixed martial arts, according to the proposal presented to city leaders. Referees, cutmen, judges and ring card girls are not included with the cage, but they can be provided if a deal can be reached with the various unions.

City officials are intrigued by the proposal and city attorneys are evaluating if admission and tickets fees can be administered.

Bristol Democrats Roll out the Red Carpet at Big Event – P.S. It’s Ellen!

May 16, 2017

Last night after much speculation, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu announced she is running for mayor in front of a standing room only crowd at the Bristol Historical Society.

If elected she will be will be the first mayor in the City of Bristol to have a hyphenated last name.

This sets up another showdown between Ellen and the current mayor, Ken Cockayne. Should the mayor prove to be victorious he will be the first mayor in Bristol to win three consecutive elections since the last time a mayor won three consecutive elections.

The democrats pulled out all the stops by actively promoting the event on social media and with searchlights, airplane banners and dropping leaflets on unsuspecting residents.

Deane Kilbourne, Chairman of the Bristol DTC, was the Master of Ceremonies and opened things up with a big production routine. He was surrounded by dancers, torches and fireworks and did a Cirque du Soleil high wire production number amid pyrotechnics. It killed.

The women of the DTC ruled the red carpet with embellished dresses, tulle skirts, cashmere sweaters, sensible shoes and flowing tunics.

First Vice Chairperson for the DTC Kate Matthews showcased her new box clutch. With its clasp fastening and optional chain handle it was all the rage.

City Councilor Mary Fortier worked the rope line; shaking hands with fans and signing autographs while wearing a bold Shetland Blazer.

And mayoral candidate Ellen Zoppo-Sassu mingled with A-listers and supporters alike at the after party (which this reporter was not invited, humph!) while sporting new fashionable shoes.

The fashion critic for the Bristol Press proclaimed the evening, “The social event of the spring season.”

Meanwhile, this sentence was written for no reason.


Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.

City Planning Gala to Celebrate MBS Still Being Closed

April 26, 2017

Later this year the City of Bristol will host a black-tie gala ball at Nuchie’s to celebrate 5 years of the Memorial Boulevard School being closed.

The mayor, along with city councilors, civic leaders and important people that no one has ever heard of, will celebrate the closing of the school, and the continued commitment to keep the landmark building, built in 1923, closed.

The MBS Gala will include cocktails, dinner, live music by the band Closed Casket and an auction of MBS memorabilia led by Christie’s Auction House of New York.  Noted memorabilia collector Bill Chatterton has donated MBS grout from his collection to the auction.  A silent auction will also be held and feature an autographed copy of the MBS Task Force Final Report signed by all the committee members. 

Former news reporter Tom Monahan will be the Master of Ceremonies. 

There will even be local tributes and renderings by the Art Squad. Among them is a beautifully painted traffic box of the historic and iconic building entitled Empty. Critics say the traffic box is truly an awe inspiring work of art and verification that there is a God.

The classically designed building closed in 2012.  The task force charged with developing a plan for the school put in 15 months of hard work, and recommended using the building as a community cultural and arts center. It was believed the undertaking would be part of a strategy to increase economic development and cultural growth.  Instead the Memorial Boulevard School remains dark, barren and empty and is now the latest attraction in an ever growing collection of empty buildings and vacant lots. 





ESPN To Slash Staff As Well As Lay Them Off — Paramedics On Standby

March 9, 2017

Faced with sliding audience numbers, the worldwide leader in sports is launching a new round of cost-cutting measures. However, a worried popular ESPN NFL analyst Chris Berman said, “ESPN could… go… all… the… way – out of business!”

The cuts include layoffs of on-air personalities. To save money, “Pardon The Interruption” will lose its human hosts in favor of Pepper the Robot and IBM Watson. The two AI machines will engage in fiercely logical debates on all sports enjoyed by organic life-forms.

ESPN’s parent company Disney will help fired talent transition to new lines of work. “First Take”‘s Max Kellerman is slated to play Cogsworth the clock in Beauty And The Beast live. Meanwhile, his co-host Stephen A. Smith is still looking for a job. He was assigned to play a chipmunk for Chip ‘n’ Dale photo shoots at Disneyworld. However, children found his Chip to be too angry.

The City of Bristol is also offering help to ESPN staff. A new Bristol Office of Sports will give ex-ESPN personalities the opportunity to offer withering criticism of elementary and high school athletes.

“Most ESPN hosts are unskilled with no real-world experience,” the mayor said. “For those we can’t bring into the sports office, we will provide vocational training. We expect them to realize well-paying jobs commensurate with their ability level, like cab driver, janitorial staff, and bartender.

Mike Młynarczyk understands the hosts’ plight. He was slated to join Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic for a new morning show on ESPN. However, the Mike & Mike & Mike show never made it to air as the chyron lacked the technology to spell his last name. He now hosts a podcast where he explains how Atlanta blew the Superbowl to toddlers aged 2-3.

“I’m not bitter. Podcasts are the future. I don’t need ESPN…” He then added tearfully, “Even FS1 turned me down. FS1! Is this what hell feels like?”

Other cuts at the sports giant include commentators only calling the second half of games, switching overnight programming to public access shows and canceling the struggling 20th ESPN channel, ESPNJenga.

Disney will merge many ESPN shows with popular Disney Channel series. “Outside The Lines” will become a subplot in “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.” A new version of an ESPN football program will debut called “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody & NFL Insiders.”

Mayor McCheese Weighs Run for Office

March 2, 2017


Mayor McCheese, the retired mayor of the small hamlet known as McDonaldland (1971-2008) and current Forestville resident is considering a run for elective office in Bristol/Forestville, according to sources.

The news comes on the heels of the mayor announcing his reelection bid, and Eric Carlson and Andrew Howe declaring their candidacies for city council positions.

The one time mayor moved to Forestville following his term in office. He currently spends his time feeding birds at the former mall site and reminiscing with friends over coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts.

Friends and associates of Mayor McCheese meet for coffee

Friends of Mayor McCheese

Mr. McCheese is undecided if he will run for mayor or city council. However, his run is strongly backed by the same Democrats who once labeled him an “unhealthy choice,” but now face a dearth of better candidates.

His tenure in McDonaldland was marred by incompetence and controversy. During his time in office, residents experienced increases in obesity, coronary heart problems, hypertension and diverticulitis. Moreover, the self-proclaimed “law and order” mayor was never able to explain why Hamburglar was never put behind bars.

One Democrat insider is unimpressed with McCheese. “I still don’t know what the hell he did all day as mayor aside from not getting eaten by Grimace. I’m sure that purple lump has plenty of past McDonaldland mayors lodged in his stomach.”

Mayor McCheese is undeterred by the criticism telling supporters Tuesday, “If they (Democrats) will not endorse me, there is always the Working Families Party, don’t you know.”

Mayor Against State Mandate for Firehouse Dalmatians

February 21, 2017


Due to financial concerns the mayor testified last week at the Legislative Office Building against a state mandate that would provide workers compensation coverage for first responders suffering from PTSD.

Following his testimony, the mayor also came out against a state mandate for firehouse Dalmatians as well. “I am grateful for the services Dalmatians provide for our firehouses, but I don’t believe municipalities should be required to feed them. They can eat table scraps or beg. They are dogs so they knew the deal when they signed up.”

He also expressed concern for the costs associated with the animals. “Do you know how much a dog costs? Lots. Grooming, vet visits, doggy daycare. It is a system mired in fraud.”

The mayor is also worried that an unfunded mandate for Dalmatians will result in other mandates as well. “If we are forced to pay for the fire department’s dog then we’ll be required to pay for the Public Works wombat, the Tax Office badger and the Water Department’s pufferfish. In case you didn’t notice I do not like to spend money unless it is my idea.”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.