A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.

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Alt Right Movement Believes New Britain is Meddling with Bristol’s Election

November 5, 2017

Alt Right Bristol conspiracy theorist and InfoWars founder and radio talk show host Alex Jones believes the City of New Britain is interfering with Bristol’s 2017 municipal election.

During his broadcast Friday, Jones told his audience, “Why is New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart always smiling? No politician can be that happy all the time. That tells you something is up!”

Bristol and New Britain are natural rivals based on proximity, sports and competing business interests. Therefore, Mr. Jones speculates it is in New Britain’s interest to interfere with this highly contentious election.

“Clearly, there is a conspiracy afoot,” Mr. Jones said, citing anonymous and high-ranking law enforcement sources whom he declined to name. “Ellen Zoppo is smiling all the time too. Why? She and Stewart have no reason to smile,” Jones added. “Why would two women, from rival towns and opposite political parties, be smiling? Why?”

Why is Mayor Erin Stewart always smiling?

At the debate last month between the mayor and Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu, the mayor appeared to be brooding the entire night. Mr. Jones explained to his national audience that the mayor was brooding for two reasons, “One, he knows the City of New Britain is tampering with Bristol’s election and B, the federal government was using mind control on him.”

Mr. Jones is also suspicious of the Write-in candidacy of Rick Kriscenski. “The Write-in candidate shows up a week before Election Day? No doubt Stewart and to a lesser extent Zoppo put him up to it to confuse voters. The only thing missing is his Che Guevara t-shirt and black beret.”

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about this story.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Place Your Betts! Las Vegas Oddsmakers Taking Betts on Local Elections

November 3, 2017

The race for mayor between Ken Cockayne and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu has attracted the attention of Las Vegas bookmakers and local bookies. However, betting on the outcome is not the only thing people are putting their money on.

The race is too close to call and the line keeps fluctuating so gamblers are placing bets on other categories such as: What color dress will Ellen wear election night? Blue? Red? Hot Magenta? Scotch Tape Plaid? Betters are putting their money on red but if you bet $100 on Scotch Tape Plaid, and she wears it you could win $2,500!

Currently, much to everyone’s chagrin, there is no betting line established for a pantsuit.

As for the mayor on election night, what type of knot will he tie his infamous orange tie? Half Windsor? Full Windsor? Kelvin Knot? Will he need help tying it? The money seems to be following that idea as 45 percent of it came in late yesterday.

You can also lay a wager on who will the Bristol Observer endorse for mayor. Experts discourage putting any money on Ellen because the Observer has become state-run media.

What about the Write-in candidate? Oddsmakers have established an over/under line for him.

In 2015 the Write-in received 11 votes. The over/under this year, based on the candidate’s depth of political knowledge, sincerity, moxie and voter anger, is 15.5.

Bookies are taking bets on the council races too. How many videos will Greg Hahn make of himself taking leisurely strolls? How many times will Andrew Howe use his highly successful, “Bristol is an oasis in a fiscal desert” line prior to Election Day?

Voters have it tough these days. Not only must they decide who the best political leaders are for the town, but who and what they should bet on.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Municipal Forum Held at St. Paul

October 24, 2017

The Bristol Chamber of Commerce help a municipal forum Monday night at St. Paul Catholic High School. Due to a prior obligation I was not able to attend. However, I had a mole in the audience and here are his observations:

All times EDT

PREGAME SHOW

5:40
Found a seat and just settling in. Oh no these seats don’t have cup holders. What kind of hell is this? Where am I to put my iced coffee?

5:45
There are a lot of important people here mingling with other important people I guess that’s why they’re important people. It’s high school all over again.

5:50
Currently scanning the room and looking for Mandy Woods but I don’t see her. I was hoping to add her autograph to my copy of the Rose Report.

5:52
Cara is wearing sky high heels? Are they those Christian Loba…Luba..Lobo…whatever the F they are called? Holy God they are high. I hope she is not afraid of heights. Jesus!

6:09
“Eric Carlson” starts us off. Whenever he speaks I feel like I am part of a sleep study.

Okay. Uh huh – yeah, regular guy. Yup. Got it…heard that before. Hmm. Zzzzzzz.

6:25
Here comes the F5 tornado that is Andrew Howe. Wait up, Andrew spoke from the heart. He hit all the right notes and I wish he did more of that.

Andrew…hang on a friend on Snapchat just sent me this funny video of himself. I’ll wait til Andrew finishes talking about… Oh this is so funny, I wish I could share it on my stream. He looks like a dog with that photo filter. Look at him!

6:35
This debate is very interesting. As a side note, I counted 500 tiles in the ceiling.

7:00
What is wrong with the microphone? I can’t hear anything. It sounds like everyone needs more fiber in their diet.

7:14
I brought some hard candy and just bit into one and it crunched really loud. I feel like everyone is staring at me. Mary Fortier heard it from the stage because she is staring right at me. How can she see that far? I’m way in the back and she wears glasses.

Anyway, I can’t finish eating the candy so I got a Kleenex and spit the candy into the Kleenex.

7:15
There are no garbage cans here and I can’t keep it in my pocket. What do I do?

7:16
Problem solved. I put it in a container the person next to me has.

7:17
Oh, no, he’s drinking out of it now. Maybe he won’t notice …I think he noticed. Shiiii-oh intermission!

INTERMISSION

7:20ish
Ellen and Ken take the stage. The body language is interesting because they are radioactive isotopes.

7:27
In keeping with the theme of the last two weeks, wouldn’t it be funny if right now Ellen produced photos of Ken dressed as Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show to embarrass him, and he produced photos of Ellen cheating on a diet to embarrass her? And then the moderator, in an effort to shut that avenue of the debate down, threatens both with photos he says he has of them laughing, joking and tickling each other.

7:31
When Ken gets done speaking I keep expecting to hear a rim shot. Ba-dum-tshh.

7:33
The guy behind me is taking bets that Ellen is going to say she got straight As on every homework assignment ever. I don’t like the action so I am passing.

7:37
Uh oh. Time to block my ears because Ellen is getting into Ellen-speak. Nooooooo! Oh wait she’s done. False alarm.

7:40
Ellen is connecting dots and Ken is; I am not sure what Ken is doing. He is railing about tax and spend democrats, a photo of Ellen and Governor Malloy and something about 60 million or 66 million dollars. I don’t know and I don’t think he does either. At least he is not ruffling around with his papers like he did in 2015. Progress!

7:50
Closing statements already? What a ripoff. I could listen to these two all night. Why can’t there be an encore?

7:53
Is the debate post mortem at Sporty’s?  How come they don’t make an announcement like for post funeral receptions?  “Thanks’ for coming you are now invited to Sporty’s for ill-tasting hors d’oeuvres and appetizers.”  I would go because I am so hungry.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Mayor Announces Random Apology Tour

August 10, 2017

Following a city council meeting Tuesday night where the mayor issued a public and cryptic apology to a council member, which left many confused, he announced tour dates for his 2017 Random Apology Tour scheduled for this fall; the likes of which this world has never seen before.

During the tour the mayor will issue nonspecific apologies to organizations and clubs in cities and towns across North America. “I apologize they criticize me. I don’t apologize they criticize me. I can’t win,” the mayor said in response to the criticism and confusion over his apology.

Local bar band Closed Casket was the scheduled opening act, but due to the fortunate deaths of the entire horn section during a bizarre tuning accident they cannot participate. Instead Councilman Calvin Brown, who questioned the purpose of his apology Tuesday, vowed to follow the mayor from town to town and demand to know what he is apologizing for and who he is apologizing to.

The tour is sponsored by PODS.

2017 Random Apology Tour Dates

Monday September 18
Kiwanis Club – Roanoke, VA

Wednesday September 20
International Tomahawk Throwers Association – Austin, TX

Friday September 29
Wyoming Stock Growers Association – Cheyenne, WY

Friday October 6
Maskwa Snowmobile Club – Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

Saturday October 7
Truck Stop Route 132 – La Pocatière, Quebec, Canada

Thursday October 19
Hurricane Biker Girls – Atlanta, GA

Wednesday November 1
KISS Army – Terre Haute, Indiana


Sean Spicer to be Offered Communications Job with the Mayor?

July 22, 2017

Sean Spicer, White House press secretary, resigned Friday morning following the appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as Director of Communications.

Immediately following his resignation, City Hall officials, on behalf of Mayor Cockayne, reached out to Mr. Spicer to determine if he was interested in a communications job with the mayor’s office. Personnel Director Diane Ferguson told the mayor she was impressed with Mr. Spicer’s ability to explain the president’s various positions, even when he didn’t know what they were.

As an incentive, the administration offered to have a customized maple podium designed with Mr. Spicer’s name engraved. The podium includes an adjustable gooseneck microphone and not one but two cup holders.

Celebrity watchers wonder if Melissa McCarthy is going to be hanging out around town now as a result.

However, should Mr. Spicer accept the position it would lead to the termination of the mayor’s longtime spokesperson, Egor.

Egor is popular with residents but the mayor has grown increasingly frustrated with him because he has no command of the English language, and he speaks in the third person. Speaking from his home under the Anthony V. Savino Bridge on Route 72, Egor commented about the matter, “Egor not happy, Egor mad. You not like Egor when Egor mad!”

Members of the usual press contingent in Bristol expressed nervousness. Said an anxious Mike Chaiken of the Bristol Observer, “I heard the last reporter that argued with Spicer ended up cowering under a chair after a particularly harrowing barrage of Mother Superior-style repartee.”

The press pool is also concerned over rumors that Spicer will ban the use of cameras, mikes and even sign language at press conferences. “Does this mean we have to go back to using pen and paper?” Lorenzo Burgio of the Bristol Press plaintively asked. “Writing? I – I don’t remember how to do that.”


Will They Debate, or Will They Not Debate: That is the Question

July 18, 2017

Five months before the election for mayor, Bristol/Forestville residents are curious if the two candidates, Mayor Ken Cockayne and challenger Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, will have any debates.

Setting up a debate is no easy task. Guidelines and rules need to be established and agreed upon by the candidates. Squabbling over locations, dates and topics is inevitable and common.

The mayor would prefer there not be any debates telling Boardman while he had this reporter in a headlock, “One is too many while zero is just enough but don’t write that you little jerk!”

Representatives for the mayor have said unofficially that the mayor will debate Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu only under the following conditions:

• She does not make an opening or closing statement
• She does not answer any questions asked of her
• Should Ellen speak her microphone is to be inoperable
• Everything in the debate venue is to be the mayor’s campaign color of orange
• Democrats are prohibited from the debate venue
• Under no circumstances is Ellen to do one of her patented and lethal eye rolls
• If the mayor does not know the answer to a question he can phone a friend, spin again or buy a vowel, whatever is necessary

Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Party, told Boardman, “Mayor Cockayne will be thrilled to debate the democratic candidate provided she adheres to all of our conditions and she has none of her own.”

In response the Zoppo-Sassu campaign had only two demands 1) the mayor agrees to a debate and 2) he shows up.

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu elaborated to Boardman while drinking a Starbucks® Iced Espresso Classic, Vanilla Latte, “I went through this no debate thing with [Art] Ward. In 2015 my opponent and I debated once. Won’t someone debate me? What about you [Boardman] will you debate me? I will even let you ask yourself questions to make it easy.”

The election is Tuesday, November 7, 2017. Stay informed with Boardman’s semi accurate election coverage.