Review of the July 2018 City Council Meeting

July 12, 2018

Alan Boardman remains dead but his condition is improving. As a result, The Mole reviewed the July 2018 Bristol City Council meeting proceedings from Tuesday and those observations follow.

All times are made up because The Mole’s wrist watch does not work.

7:02
We start with the Pledge of Allegiance. Nothing wrong with that but can we change it up once in a while and do the Alphabet Song instead? From the looks of the crowd though there are some people here that probably don’t know the lyrics. Scratch that idea.

7:18
I am bored. Why can’t we have a barbeque during the meeting and turn this joint into a smokehouse? It would not be that difficult. The way I hear it Councilman Dave Mills makes a mean Cornish Game Hen with wild rice and mashed potatoes. Mr. Mills wraps it in bacon with a butter mixture that is absolutely to die for. All this while he diagrams football plays too.

The mayor can bring her Federal Hill famous baked beans. She uses pinto beans (sans the baked beans) with sautéed onions, peppers and a dash of rosemary to get that Smokey taste. Mmm-mmm.

Mary Fortier can show up with her infamous store-bought cole slaw.

Who can we get for the brisket? Does Councilman Greg Hahn cook? Probably not because he is a musician so he is only good for the booze. Get this man access to bourbon, lemon, vermouth, and ginger beer NOW and we can get this thing going!

7:25ish
Did the mayor just say quixotic? What does that even mean? My God I have to waste my time looking this shit up. Yeah, I swore because Boardman is dead and cannot edit me.

According to an online dictionary:

Adjective

1. exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical.

Yeah it fits these proceedings

Did this woman swallow a dictionary as a kid?

7:35ish
Property transactions. Oh sweet Jesus this is going to take forever. Councilman Preleski enjoys this way too much. Alas, I am headed to Dunkin for an Iced Coffee.

7:47ish.
I am back and Preleski is still going. Yap, yap, yap. My God! Peter Kelley with an e has the look of a man that is in need of a cyanide capsule.

7 something or other
Can we give the ball to Josh Medeiros? The guy is running up and down the court and playing solid D, but he ain’t getting no touches. He is not Pistol Pete Maravich with a dazzling array of behind the back passes, but he can dish and swish, especially from the left side of the circle.

It might be near 8PM
Quiet night for Mary and Greg. Other than seconding and making a motion to make a motion they are laying low. Have they become monks and taken a vow of silence? Let’s see…are they wearing robes? If the two idiots in front of me would-nope no robes. That sucks!

7:50
Other than the guy next to me waking up, what would happen right now if I were to yell Bingo!?

Time Unknown
Dave Preleski is the acting mayor for the next four months? Ay dios mio! Anyone have him in the Acting Mayor Pool? Please bring back Mary because I liked her tenure as acting mayor.

8:00 maybe
New Business is up followed by Old Business. Why can’t we have Nobody’s Business? Oh wait I spoke too soon. Apparently, they are going into “Executive Session” in a minute. Oh boy secret time! Shh.

Sometime after 8:00
Most of the gallery left so this is boring and deathly quiet. Those that remain have their faces stuck in their phones.

Should I make small talk with someone? Maybe this is an opportunity to get to know people that I do not know nor share my political opinions or life experiences. Perhaps by doing so new worthwhile relationships will be forged, and we can engage in dialogue and understanding. Who knows that could lead to lasting friendships thus making Bristol a truly “All Heart” type of community!

Are you kidding me? No way! The Sox are playing Texas and the Yanks are in Baltimore. I need scores and I need them now people.

Time Unknown
I am leaving as I am supposed to meet someone for coffee. Nothing will come of that silly secret meeting anyway. However, if by chance there is breaking news, the local media is here providing gavel to gavel coverage so we will definitely read about it first thing in the morning with a big giant headline!

The Mole

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City Council Meeting Under the Microscope

February 14, 2018

Recently, Boardman was invited to attend a city council meeting. However, not being a fan of crowds or people because crowds mean people and people mean problems, I respectfully declined. However, in my place was The Mole and here are his/her observations.

All times EDT

6:40
How did Boardman talk me into this again? Jeopardy! is on at 7 and I am going to miss it.

6:45
We are starting already? I thought first pitch was at 7!

6:47
Ohhhhh this is the Finance Board; the JVs. No wonder I was bored after only two minutes.

7:04
Here we go the varsity is on.

7:10
Public Comments this should be good. Bristol Hospital guy is up. Okay and?

7:14
I lost interest. Not sure what I was expecting but I wasn’t expecting that.

7:20
One other guy that’s it?

7:25
Announcements!

7:28
After listening to a few of these I am of the mind they should have corporate sponsors for each announcement. I picture it like this:

“Hi everyone, I’m Dave Mills with an important announcement about the Parks Department but first; folks let me tell you something about Metamucil,” etc., etc.

The guy next to me thinks it’s a dumb idea. He just moved one seat over.

7:45
Just an observation but these wood seats really suck. They need to recline and provide lumbar support because my back hurts.

Note to self: How is it that the city councilors and the mayor have comfy leather chairs and lots of leg room?

They sit in the lap of luxury while us potato eaters sit here like we are flying coach!

8:01
Taking inventory of the crowd and where are all the republicans? I see a few that I recognize from the post office, but are the rest in the Witness Protection Program after November? Isn’t there usually a cabal sitting in the back; skeptical, plotting and snarling? Come on guys! Oh wait, for those that enjoy the “Letters to the Editor”, perhaps I am being “invidious” right now.

8:18
Did someone on the council just say bi…bif…what the heck was just said?

8:19
The schoolmarm in front of me said the word in question was “bifurcated.” Bifurcated (I hope I spelled that right)? What the F does that mean?

8:20
Tap the schoolmarm in front of me on the shoulder.

Me: Psst! Who said it?
Schoolmarm in front of me: Who do you think said it?
Me: Councilman Peter Kelley with an e?
Schoolmarm in front of me: Are you trying to be funny?

8:30
Time to go. I missed Jeopardy! for this? Are they at least going to feed us?

8:31
No? Well, I…am…out…of…here.

The Mole

P.S. Election Day is only 264 days away. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Municipal Forum Held at St. Paul

October 24, 2017

The Bristol Chamber of Commerce help a municipal forum Monday night at St. Paul Catholic High School. Due to a prior obligation I was not able to attend. However, I had a mole in the audience and here are his observations:

All times EDT

PREGAME SHOW

5:40
Found a seat and just settling in. Oh no these seats don’t have cup holders. What kind of hell is this? Where am I to put my iced coffee?

5:45
There are a lot of important people here mingling with other important people I guess that’s why they’re important people. It’s high school all over again.

5:50
Currently scanning the room and looking for Mandy Woods but I don’t see her. I was hoping to add her autograph to my copy of the Rose Report.

5:52
Cara is wearing sky high heels? Are they those Christian Loba…Luba..Lobo…whatever the F they are called? Holy God they are high. I hope she is not afraid of heights. Jesus!

6:09
“Eric Carlson” starts us off. Whenever he speaks I feel like I am part of a sleep study.

Okay. Uh huh – yeah, regular guy. Yup. Got it…heard that before. Hmm. Zzzzzzz.

6:25
Here comes the F5 tornado that is Andrew Howe. Wait up, Andrew spoke from the heart. He hit all the right notes and I wish he did more of that.

Andrew…hang on a friend on Snapchat just sent me this funny video of himself. I’ll wait til Andrew finishes talking about… Oh this is so funny, I wish I could share it on my stream. He looks like a dog with that photo filter. Look at him!

6:35
This debate is very interesting. As a side note, I counted 500 tiles in the ceiling.

7:00
What is wrong with the microphone? I can’t hear anything. It sounds like everyone needs more fiber in their diet.

7:14
I brought some hard candy and just bit into one and it crunched really loud. I feel like everyone is staring at me. Mary Fortier heard it from the stage because she is staring right at me. How can she see that far? I’m way in the back and she wears glasses.

Anyway, I can’t finish eating the candy so I got a Kleenex and spit the candy into the Kleenex.

7:15
There are no garbage cans here and I can’t keep it in my pocket. What do I do?

7:16
Problem solved. I put it in a container the person next to me has.

7:17
Oh, no, he’s drinking out of it now. Maybe he won’t notice …I think he noticed. Shiiii-oh intermission!

INTERMISSION

7:20ish
Ellen and Ken take the stage. The body language is interesting because they are radioactive isotopes.

7:27
In keeping with the theme of the last two weeks, wouldn’t it be funny if right now Ellen produced photos of Ken dressed as Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show to embarrass him, and he produced photos of Ellen cheating on a diet to embarrass her? And then the moderator, in an effort to shut that avenue of the debate down, threatens both with photos he says he has of them laughing, joking and tickling each other.

7:31
When Ken gets done speaking I keep expecting to hear a rim shot. Ba-dum-tshh.

7:33
The guy behind me is taking bets that Ellen is going to say she got straight As on every homework assignment ever. I don’t like the action so I am passing.

7:37
Uh oh. Time to block my ears because Ellen is getting into Ellen-speak. Nooooooo! Oh wait she’s done. False alarm.

7:40
Ellen is connecting dots and Ken is; I am not sure what Ken is doing. He is railing about tax and spend democrats, a photo of Ellen and Governor Malloy and something about 60 million or 66 million dollars. I don’t know and I don’t think he does either. At least he is not ruffling around with his papers like he did in 2015. Progress!

7:50
Closing statements already? What a ripoff. I could listen to these two all night. Why can’t there be an encore?

7:53
Is the debate post mortem at Sporty’s?  How come they don’t make an announcement like for post funeral receptions?  “Thanks’ for coming you are now invited to Sporty’s for ill-tasting hors d’oeuvres and appetizers.”  I would go because I am so hungry.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Reviewing the Meet and Greet Candidate Forum

October 3, 2017

Monday night the Bristol NAACP hosted a meet and greet candidate forum with local office seekers at The Bristol Public Library. Due to a prior obligation I was not able to attend. As a result I had a mole planted in the audience and these are his observations.

All times EDT

6:10
How did Boardman talk me into this? I have laundry to do.

6:15
Surveying the room, nothing but big shots here and I left my autograph book at home. I seem out of place but – oh look cookies!

6:20
The crowd is civil, engaged and adulting so why am I here?

6:25
At these type of events I have a problem staying foc…where are my keys?

6:30
Introductions. Oh boy here come the resumes©.

6:35
The guy to the right of me is sticking needles in his Ellen voodoo doll.

6:36
The gal to the left of me is sticking needles in her Ken voodoo doll.

6:55
So far so good…uh oh microphone issues. Whit Betts is all over it! Huuuuh? What does he know about microphones? He don’t look like an AV Club guy. Who knew?

7:10
How does no one see that fly circling around? It’s huge.

7:13
Is it really 7:13?

7:15
It be funny right now if someone in the audience yelled out Yahtzee!

7:17
How hard would it be to call a timeout so someone can get that fly?

7:20
I should have eaten on the way over because I’m hungry.

7:23
The following question was just asked: What do you want to do for Bristol? Someone please say, “Bring back sanity!”

7:30
For the last few minutes I have been daydreaming but did someone just say Abraham Lincoln signed the Constitution, and water mains are replaced every 325 years? What…the…fu – hey there are still cookies!

7:35
I ate one cookie. Okay two. Alright three but don’t judge because I am hungry. I am leaving to get milk.

The Mole

Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Debate Review

October 18, 2016

debate-02

The Bristol Chamber of Commerce hosted a debate for local state Senate and House of Representatives candidates Monday night at St. Paul. Due to a prior obligation I was not able to attend. However, The Mole did and here are his observations.

All times EDT

5:50
Lots of local celebrities here mingling. Politicians, Facebook stars and big shots. I left my autograph book at home. Bummer.

6:00
Debate starts. Did I turn off the lights at the house?

6:04
Laura Bartok’s opening statement is really….oooo. My stomach is queasy. Wonder if the bathroom is occupied right now?

6:08
Feeling better but lost my seat. What did I miss?

6:10
Good sign. Unlike the mayoral debate here last year, no constant ruffling of papers by one of the participants.

6:15
Henri Martin reminds me of Harry Truman. Give’em hell Henri!

6:16
Time to play Words With Friends because he really isn’t answering the question. What was the question?

6:24
30 point Word! Sweet!

6:25
Nicastro! Wait for it…Beep! Beep! Beep! What is it with that buzzer?

6:28
Pretty sure I turned the lights off.

6:30
Intermission.

6:40
Hard to see right now. Chasing a couple of Skittles I dropped under my seat.

6:42
Great now I have a searing headache. Checking with the women next to me for Tylenol. Oh man I think she fell asleep. Should I wake her? She appears to be a reporter.

6:45
Now she’s hushing me. She’s the one who fell asleep in the first place!

7:00
Possibly the most personally frustrating debate I’ve ever been to. I could go for a sandwich. This is a high school. Is the caf open? Maybe they have some pimento bread.

7:10
How hard would it be to call a timeout right now and ask the moderator to repeat the last question?

7:11
Just got the word from two rows back the caf is not open. Major buzzkill.

7:12
Losing interest.

7:15
Press photographer is leaving he’s had it.

7:20
Is this debate still going on? Wish someone would text me. I never get texts when I want them. I definitely didn’t finish brushing my teeth before coming here. I can feel a bit of food right under my gum.

7:25
Mr. Del Mastro is about to make his closing comments. He speaks very well and has a few ideas worth considering. It is a good idea that he didn’t….uh oh spoke too soon. He whipped out a piece a paper. Oh Jesus here it comes brace for impact another manifesto.

7:26
There is no way I turned the lights off because they are on a timer and it’s broken. Time to go.

The Mole

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.