Local Woman Has a Run in Her Stockings, Friends Aghast

January 5, 2017


When Lynn Anne Chambers arrived late for dinner at 150 Central in Forestville Friday night, her friends were stunned to discover that she had a run in her stockings.

Best friend Muffy Bancroft struggled to come to terms with the fashion faux pas. “She pairs a nice classic navy blouse and skirt with a jacket tailored from two-tone crosshatch suiting fabric, but adds torn white Haynes stockings? Who even wears Haynes stockings?” asked Muffy. “It is so two decades ago. She needs to get some Donna Karan and now!”

The evening grew more uncomfortable when it became apparent that thirty-something Lynn did not keep an extra pair of stockings in her purse and seemed oblivious to the stir she caused. “It’s not like she is some plebe,” observed one of her dinner companions. “She should know better. Remove, discard and replace or leave. That’s how it’s done.”

One lady at an adjoining table griped, “You can’t prance about the Ville with inferior and damaged stockings, my dear. You may as well just break out the tube top and solicit truckers on Route 10 in Southington.”

This is not the first time Lynn shocked friends at a dinner. Last month she wore noisy charm bracelets. “Are you supposed to be a fortune teller or a Kardashian?” her friend Shelia asked cuttingly.

And another time, while trying to be trendy, she showed up in a plaid shirt with yoga pants and a woolen flower bucket hat to an after-work event. “I now only refer to her as ‘that woman,'” said Sheila. “I can’t bear to be with her, except when she buys us girls dinner at Nuchi’s.”

Some in attendance refused to comment over Lynn’s latest flop or have their identities revealed. Even Lynn’s own Amazon Echo device decided to stop responding to her commands. However, a Twitter hashtag has been set up for anyone wishing to further publicly humiliate her.


Forestville Hoochie Mama Finds New Sugar Daddy

September 7, 2016


Using all of her persuasions of seduction, noted Forestville hoochie momma and gold digger Candice “Candy” Bergman has a new sugar daddy, according to friends.

Candice spent weeks cultivating a relationship with Rodney Winthorp before landing the aging businessman. For her efforts he has agreed to pay her rent, car loan, spa treatments, and buy her shoes, clothing and jewelry in exchange for copulation or at least the promise of copulation.

Mr. Winthorp would neither confirm nor deny the relationship or the arrangement.

Wanda Busted For Prostitution

March 14, 2016


Wanda, the popular advertising mannequin for Wireless Zone located in Shop Rite Plaza, is facing prostitution charges stemming from her arrest late Saturday night for soliciting an undercover officer, police said.

Detectives indicated they were recently notified of suspicious activity involving Wanda, and upon further investigation, it became clear the mannequin was participating in lewd and lascivious acts in a prostitution arrangement with men, women and couples.

Authorities have yet to determine if Wanda was forced into prostitution or if this was something she willingly engaged in on her own.

The eye-catching life size doll has become prominent locally due to her disarming good looks, and her ability to generate foot traffic for the cell phone company. Wanda proved to be popular with kids and adults alike, but no one was aware of her dark side.

Police officials said that standing on a street corner soliciting is a dangerous business even for a mannequin.

The prostitution charge is only a misdemeanor so she will not be placed on administrative leave, according to reports.

Wanda is expected to be out in front of the store enticing cell phone customers, and not turning tricks for johns today.

January 3, 2016

Things I Heard 06

Traveling through Forestville recently and here are some of the things I heard:

Pine Lake

Woman: I like to sleep in pajamas that are hard and uncomfortable.

Pine Lake

Pine Lake

99 Restaurant

Man 1: Did you see that case I have?
Man 2: Yeah, I have two cases that are exactly similar.

Cumberland Farms

Man: Hey honey how do I put this hat on?

Cumberland Farms

Cumberland Farms

99 Restaurant

Man: I don’t care if we win but we better not lose.

Manross Library

Kid 1: Check it out, which direction do these stairs go?
Kid 2: Up? Maybe down I don’t know.

Manross Library

Manross Library