Vacant Lot Fest 2017

May 13, 2017

Right it down! Vacant Lot Fest 2017 is taking place Saturday July 8th. This special one-day event will feature a walking tour of the vacant lots in Forestville by noted empty lot historian Alex Chipley.

Mr. Chipley explains the history and explores the properties along East Main Street that were once vital to the community, but have fallen on hard times

Join Mr. Chipley for a journey back in time at one of America’s premier collection of empty lots. You will find inspiration and neglect as you explore the empty land parcels dotted along Forestville’s landscape.

Ken Wormer will be the featured guest. Mr. Wormer once owned a lot that is now contaminated with overgrowth, trash and industrial waste. He will be available for autographs, photos and signing vacant lot memorabilia.

The tour will leave from the post office at 6PM and is expected to take two hours. This event is sponsored by the Forestville Historical Society.

Vacant Lot Fest 2017 will be opened by the classic rock band Foghat. The band, known for the hits “Slow Ride,” and “Fool For the City” was briefly popular in the 1970s.

Admission to the event is free but the ticket is $10.00.

Changes for the 2017 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 6, 2017

Tomorrow the annual Pequabuck River Duck Race will be held in Forestville. 5,000 rubber ducks will be poured into the river and float downstream with the ticket holders winning prizes.

This year, to add to the excitement, some ducks will explode on contact with other ducks. Fishermen will wait downstream to get the dead fish that surface from the detonations.

Gambling on the ducks will also be legal with an odds maker and bookie from the Pequot tribe officiating.

And to complicate matters more, it will be a relay race. After reaching Nuchie’s the plastic ducks will have to go back up stream. The first to reach Andrews Street will be the winner. Race officials admit that it is going to be a really long day.

While many residents admit they enjoy the festivities and charitable causes many only attend to see the ducks crash or sink.

The Most Spectacular, Death-Defying Crashes in Pequabuck River Duck Race History

Since its humble beginnings there have been many race tragedies. People falling into the river, ducks spontaneously combusting into flames and horrific wrecks. Here are some of the most memorable Pequabuck River Duck Race crashes and moments:

Duck 314 crashes along the river bank and does not complete the race. He was later removed by volunteers and recycled into a boot.

Ducks 619, 714, 1812 and 3976 sink to the bottom of the Pequabuck. To this day they are presumed missing as their whereabouts remains unknown.

Duck W50 was initially declared the winner. However, it was soon discovered that the plastic duck was introduced into the race at the last minute along Broad Street.

In pre-race festivities, Duck 500 was given a river burial for honorable service. His body was laid on its side under the flag of Forestville and rolled over the edge of a plank into the water, along with a rock weight tied to its neck. In the moving ceremony, a lone bugler played, “Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends” as veteran sponsors saluted.

Snipers fire salt rock at the ducks in attempt to influence race results. The snipers linked to the Icelandic State, yelled, “Odin is great!” and tried to make their getaway on a waiting Viking Longship.

The festivities start at 11AM with the race at 2PM.

May Day Protests Cause Mayday For Bristol

May 2, 2017

The violence that visited May Day protests overseas spread to Connecticut, but for different reasons.  Bristol’s own May Day centers not on worker rights but honoring flowers.  The Forestville Garden Club held its annual May Day March For Plants Monday, where as its president Synthia Marsh says, “We walk for those that can’t.”

However as in past years, the march turned violent.  Shouting “Rafflesia arnoldii are flowers too!”, “Justice for Euphorbia esula!” and “Hell, no – We won’t grow!”, protestors hurled seed packets and bulbs at riot police.  Two policemen were sent to the nurse at Chippens Hill Middle School with bits of pollen in their eyes.  Passersby were sent fleeing to the scene to take selfies.

Ms. Marsh issued an apology on behalf of the club, blaming the violence on a few members who drank too much cooking sherry.  Others claim the violence was incited by a particularly raucous episode of “The Victory Garden.”  The Forestville Fire Department is also investigating to determine if arson was the cause.

Forestville Voted Best Location for an Alien Abduction

April 6, 2017

In their April issue, Abducted by Aliens Digest (AAD) ranked Forestville the best location in Connecticut to be abducted by extraterrestrials. According to a recently translated alien tourism brochure, extraterrestrials feel comfortable in the Ville because it boasts a quiet, suburban life with open fields for landing craft, light forestry for camouflage and a nearby all-night convenience store in case the on-board bathroom breaks.

The magazine’s author Dana Batner describes how residents are commonly beamed aboard an alien spacecraft. Sometimes, the aliens will perform physical exams and other procedures in the abductee’s own living room. In such cases, the extraterrestrials usually gain access to the home by disguising themselves as tax inspectors. Since Connecticut residents are used to paying a bewildering array of taxes, they quickly fall for the ruse and agree to the aliens’ brain scans, mind control and invasive probing as part of what they think is an audit.

Batner suggests that residents should always be aware of their surroundings, wear clean underwear and look out for shiny spacecraft, mysterious lights and George Noory. People should also keep an alien preparedness kit. The kit should include breath mints, KY jelly and a book to read in case there is a wait at the aliens’ examination table.

Stories of alien abductions in the area go back to 1919. Then-Bristol Mayor James Dutton finished up a speech to letter carriers on the importance of a good breakfast and keeping out the Irish when he suddenly disappeared. The mayor, a 137 bowler – 170 when sober – was found days later in the Tory’s Den mumbling about bright lights and gray leprechauns driving a horseless spaceship.

Such stories are all too common, except for the part about the Irish. But why?

“Visitations are lucrative for extraterrestrials,” writes Batner. “Information collected during the abductions are sold to intergalactic third parties at a significant profit. These parties then use that information to sell time shares and reverse mortgages to unsuspecting Earthlings.”

See more of this story on the Boardman YouTube channel, starting this fall in 2020.

Motorist Turns Right on Red No Injuries Reported

April 2, 2017

No injuries were reported Sunday afternoon when a car turned right on red in Forestville near the vicinity of Pine Street.

Eyewitnesses identified the driver as Melanie Merkell, a middle-aged woman who lives alone with two cats and a nondescript fern, and is currently being treated for arthritis. Ms. Merkell stopped her late-model Acura at a red light at approximately 2:33 PM., and after seeing no approaching traffic made a right hand turn with minimal risk. She arrived home shortly after navigating her way through a series of driving maneuvers.

Ms. Merkel declined to comment about her commute, her cats or her fern.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.

Bristol Grocer Baffled by Rise in Valentine’s Day Merchandise sales

February 13, 2017


Recently, sales of cards, stuffed bears, chocolates and other paraphernalia with a Valentine’s Day theme have spiked in the area. One local bag boy, Jimmy Smirdon, is mystified.

“I don’t know what’s special about the month of February,” says Smirdon. “Why do people buy valentine’s stuff now instead of during Christmas when they are out shopping for presents? That is the time to buy gifts for people you love, not a week after Groundhog Day. It’s almost like there’s another holiday coming up, like a second Groundhog Day.”

Smirdon’s girlfriend could not be reached for comment because he has none.

Forestville Escort Service Receives Local Honor

February 1, 2017


Intimate Encounters, a popular Forestville escort service, were recently presented by the Forestville Chamber of Commerce with the prestigious Bronze Star Award, recognizing their record-breaking sales achievement for the fourth quarter of 2016.

They were also recognized with an annual Sales Growth Award, for being one of the top 10 businesses in the village over the last calendar year too.

Intimate Encounters is an elite full-service escort business providing discreet private hookups, companionship, body rubs, private dances and other forms of adult companionship from high class upscale women and men upon request.

The popular escort business operates in the red light district of the village with standard industry rates being applied for their services, depending on the request.

The Forestville Chamber of Commerce said Intimate Encounters were selected from a vast selection of businesses in the community including a hot dog cart, bank, car wash and Hell Hole: The Dungeon of Mistress V, Forestville’s resident dominatrix.


The escort business received high marks for their strategic planning, employee development, community involvement, and customer service.

Intimate Encounters is owned by Forestville resident Bob Knepper who started the company due to his mid-life crisis.