Why New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart Always Smiles is Finally Revealed!

February 2, 2018

Erin Stewart became mayor of New Britain at the age of 26 in 2013, and was reelected in 2015 and 2017 as well.

Prior to becoming mayor, Erin was a campaign staffer for former Congresswoman Nancy Jonson, and was a legislative aide in the Connecticut General Assembly.

These are some of the reasons she is always smiling, but others say it is because of her new BankAmericard® Credit Card!

The BankAmericard® Credit Card is the top-ranked balance transfer card, and a great choice for anyone looking to save on balance transfer fees and interest charges, especially if you live in New Britain or Forestville, which is so awesome!

But that is not the only reason for Erin’s ear to ear smile.

The 30 year old New Britain mayor is a fiscally conservative Republican who is also pro choice and supports responsible gun ownership, and the civil rights of everybody, which brings a smile to her face day in and day out. However, another reason Erin Stewart is always smiling is because the GOVERNMENT WILL PAY YOUR MORTAGE IF YOU BORN BEFORE 1984!

That’s right people the Federal Government, yes THE federal government, has introduced a brilliant homeowner program called Home Affordable Refinance Plan (HARP), which benefits millions of Americans; if you believe everything you read on the internet is true! By enrolling in this program homeowners can reduce their monthly mortgage payments by a ton.

You may find it hard to believe, but this is not the only reason Erin is constantly smiling. No, no.

During her tenure as mayor, Erin Stewart cut the city of New Britain’s deficit with spending cuts and eliminating jobs and the results were four bond-rating upgrades from Standard & Poor’s.

And while that brought a smile to her face, Erin Stewart was REALLY smiling when she learned Michigan Treasure Hunters unearthed dirt in their quest to find a 220 year old treasure!

Erin is tickled with delight that Rick and Marty Lagina are from Kingsford, Michigan, and that every summer they spend millions of dollars in Novia Scotia to find undiscovered dirt buried deep below the surface of the earth.

So, at long last Erin Stewart’s secret is revealed, which is another reason she is always smiling because…

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International News Roundup

January 29, 2018

Swedish Furniture Firm Head Retires, Citing Death

STOCKHOM – IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at home while resting on an IKEA-brand spring mattress (HAUGSVÄR $399.00) in dark gray. His family announced that his funeral will be held Tuesday in the local church at Agunnaryds under IKEA chandelier lights (KRISTALLER $39.99) in front of a brown-black altar with two extension leaves (BJURSTA $169.00). The service is expected to go quickly once parishioners finish assembling the church (KYRKA $29,999.99, 2 for $54,999.99).

Kamprad’s doctor says the 91-year-old billionaire died from cancer (KRÄFTAN Out of Stock).

Trump Wows Audience at World Economic Forum

DAVOS – President Donald Trump told a sold-out summit of world leaders and left-leaning billionaires Friday the U.S. is “open for business.” Despite predictions to the contrary, he was greeted by mobs of autograph-seeking fans with women screaming and fainting. After yelling “I want to have your baby!” British Prime Minister Theresa May said she hopes Trump will ask her out to the White House again sometime; if he wasn’t too busy.

Representatives from the U.S. Department of Souvenirs reported brisk business at Davos, selling officially licensed Trump-Davos canes, tuxedos, top hats and limousines. All proceeds go to the U.S. debt.

Meerkats on Alert as Dollar Slides Against Major Currencies

LONDON – Currency traders are watching a continued selloff in U.S. currency. Said one trader on the floor of the CBOE who had trouble getting up, “The dollar’s seeing multiyear lows against the euro and the yen as well as the four-ton stone rai from the Island of Yap.”

The cause of the drop is blamed on a suddenly strong U.S. economy and late night parties at Janet Yellen’s, where the Federal Reserve head is said to “make it rain.”

Other stories in the news:
– Flooding in France: Thousands of French Bathed for First Time in Years
– India to Make Movie Without Singing and Dancing
– North Korea’s Olympic Team to Include Mascot – Haengbog the Tapeworm


National Adverb Expo Coming to Forestville

December 30, 2017

Adverb enthusiasts will be positively delighted to know that the National Adverb Expo is coming to Forestville the last week of January in 2018. Forestville has been chosen to host the National Adverb Expo over Wolcott, Plainville and New Britain.

The expo features America’s leading authority on adverbs, Charles Phillip Quickly. He will deliver the keynote lecture entitled, “Living in Hell: A World Without Adverbs.” Mr. Quickly will also discuss the state of the adverb industry and showcase new adverbs he’s been working on, such as “whilethoughstill”, meaning “nevertheless although at the same time” and “cameloexplosively”, a word he hasn’t made up a definition for yet.

Local grammarian Anna McCauley-Ridgeway will chair a panel on “How Adverbs Helped Rescuers During the Catastrophic Flood of ’55”. “One adverb in particular can be singled out as especially heroic,” she says. “When rescuers heard the flood was ‘really’ bad, they knew to come right away.”

Ms. McCauley-Ridgway points out how adverbs were used in many historic documents and speeches, such as the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address and Kim Kardashian’s 2017 interview for Interview Magazine — the part where she talks about her love for Donald J. Trump.

As a guardian of language, Ms. McCauley-Ridgeway worries that grammar is under attack and one day adverbs may no longer exist. So, she encourages attendees to bring their treasured correspondence so that adverbs in their letters and e-mails can be identified and preserved for future generations.

The expo is currently slated to be held at the amazingly big banquet hall strategically, luckily and gratuitously located downtown by the lovely sign for Nuchie’s, near the place with really, really, really good pizza.

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about this matter.


City Hall Open Today

December 26, 2017

Fans of City Hall are in for a real treat Tuesday because it is open for business from 8:30 AM to 5:00 PM!

Located at 111 North Main Street in downtown Bristol, City Hall is the chief administrative building for the city of Bristol. The workday lasts eight hours for most employees today unless they must leave early for personal reasons or are part-time.

City Hall has three floors with the third floor being the highest point of the building. However, be advised there are two more stairs at the top of the north staircase than there are at the bottom of the north staircase. Consequently, stair walkers are advised to plan their ascent and descent of the stairs accordingly.

Visitors are reminded to arrive early because after a three day weekend crowds are expected resulting in long lines, and delays at some department offices.

Autograph seekers can only request autographs when employees depart the building. Due to union rules, department offices, break rooms and hallways are off-limits to autographs.

Flash photography is frowned upon and fireworks and alcohol are prohibited. Also, do not attempt to feed city employees. City Hall has vending machines and city workers generally bring food, water and snacks to work.

Inclement weather is not predicted so it should be a good day for government.


VA Health Care Upgraded To Stable Condition

August 9, 2017

Secretary of Veterans Affairs David Shulkin has moved to make good on President Trump’s promises to overhaul the VA. Thanks to executive directives and a new reform law, Shulkin was able to fire 500 employees from the VA over malfeasance and criminal convictions. As punishment, most will receive health care from the VA.

The worst offenders will get health benefits from the Veterans Administration Veterans Administration. Said one fired Veterans Administration veteran, “I hear it is run worse than how we ran the VA.” He refers to the head of the VAVA, Connor O’Shaughnessy, a leprechaun who legend says hides health care services in a pot at the end of the rainbow.

Other reforms are being introduced at a feverish pace. One allows military to see the doctor of their choice. This option has led many people on Obamacare to enlist in the military.

Shulkin also made telemedicine part of the VA using the system “TeleHealth.” It allows patients to see teledoctors, get telediagnoses, see telespecialists and watch television with telestars.

Other improvements include vets getting wait times for appointments on their phones as well as Army-Navy game updates. A new app will send text alerts to hospitalized VA patients when the jello cart is coming down the hall. It also allows doctors to send “Get Well” e-cards to patients while on vacation and emojis to describe patient conditions.

“OMG, I’m afraid your body is all 🙄 in response to the antibiotics,” sent one doctor.

While Shulkin’s improvements will greatly help veterans, the New York Times is concerned it is just a distraction from the Russia investigation. Attempts to reach the Times for comment were met with demands we pay for a subscription.


Concertgoers Meet Disappointment

June 5, 2017

– Queen of England Bestows Knighthood To Popular Septic Tank Worker Using Extra Long Sword

– Governor Malloy Pledges To Make Filling Out State Income Tax Forms Fun Again

– Experts Worry Robots Will Lose Their Jobs To Migrant Furbies

Concertgoers
A Southington couple met disappointment when they arrived at Center Park in Manchester Sunday.

“We heard Arianna Grande was playing a benefit in Manchester, but she isn’t here,” said Mike Lumpwell.

His wife hit him in the arm. “I told you it was Manchester, New Hampshire, not Connecticut.”

They next plan to visit New London to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Stories continued on back


Jeff Sessions to Give up Being Attorney General for Lent

March 3, 2017

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Top congressional Democrats are asking Attorney General Jeff Sessions to resign following revelations that he lied under oath during his confirmation hearing.

“I will not resign but I will give up being Attorney General for Lent,” he said at a press conference Thursday.  “It will do me a world of good to get away from these Trump people for a few weeks.”

Later, appearing on state-run TV Fox News, Sessions expanded on his remarks to Tucker Carlson, “I am extending an olive branch to the Democrats. For forty days I will stop my war on pot, gays, voting rights and Civil Rights in exchange they will stop asking for my resignation over this Russian thing.”