The Bristol Press published an article last week about a local children’s charity gala and it did not contain any references to crime, criminals or misdeeds. The general reading public was stunned.
“I could not believe what I was not reading,” said Sandy McLean, a reader since 1972. “I had to regulate the air in my oxygen tank.”
“I thought for sure there was something wrong with my copy of the newspaper so I bought a second copy, and it too did not have any references to fraud, harassment or thievery,” said Julio Vargas shaking his head.
The newspaper, which began publishing in 1871, has recently prided itself on covering the lurid. As a result sources say that when it was realized the article was not about a crime, editors at the newspaper were thrown into a tizzy. “My God! What have we done?” screamed one. “How could this happen?” cried another as she pounded her fist into her desk.
Late last night, word was sent out that the paper plans to make up for the folly with a new feature called “Crime of the Week.”
The Bristol Press staff will determine the crime of the week based on several factors: the type of crime, any links to sex, the number of ne’er-do-wells behind it, the amount of money or sex involved, whether the crime involved animals particularly circus monkeys, was sex a factor, and whether the perpetrator was particularly sexy. In fact, the Press has offered a $500 reward for anyone reporting a crime involving Miss Mum City, along with any unseemly pictures of her.
Update: The author of the article on the gala was suspended for a week and threatened with physical violence, with the threat to be published by The Bristol Press in a story about crime at newspapers.