Concertgoers Meet Disappointment

June 5, 2017

– Queen of England Bestows Knighthood To Popular Septic Tank Worker Using Extra Long Sword

– Governor Malloy Pledges To Make Filling Out State Income Tax Forms Fun Again

– Experts Worry Robots Will Lose Their Jobs To Migrant Furbies

A Southington couple met disappointment when they arrived at Center Park in Manchester Sunday.

“We heard Arianna Grande was playing a benefit in Manchester, but she isn’t here,” said Mike Lumpwell.

His wife hit him in the arm. “I told you it was Manchester, New Hampshire, not Connecticut.”

They next plan to visit New London to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Stories continued on back

Jeff Sessions to Give up Being Attorney General for Lent

March 3, 2017


Top congressional Democrats are asking Attorney General Jeff Sessions to resign following revelations that he lied under oath during his confirmation hearing.

“I will not resign but I will give up being Attorney General for Lent,” he said at a press conference Thursday.  “It will do me a world of good to get away from these Trump people for a few weeks.”

Later, appearing on state-run TV Fox News, Sessions expanded on his remarks to Tucker Carlson, “I am extending an olive branch to the Democrats. For forty days I will stop my war on pot, gays, voting rights and Civil Rights in exchange they will stop asking for my resignation over this Russian thing.”

Housekeeping Staff Cleans Keyboards at Boardman OfficesQWER

November 21, 2016



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The Bristol Press Publishes Article Not Related to Crime, Readers Stunned!

October 14, 2016


The Bristol Press published an article last week about a local children’s charity gala and it did not contain any references to crime, criminals or misdeeds. The general reading public was stunned.

“I could not believe what I was not reading,” said Sandy McLean, a reader since 1972. “I had to regulate the air in my oxygen tank.”

“I thought for sure there was something wrong with my copy of the newspaper so I bought a second copy, and it too did not have any references to fraud, harassment or thievery,” said Julio Vargas shaking his head.

The newspaper, which began publishing in 1871, has recently prided itself on covering the lurid. As a result sources say that when it was realized the article was not about a crime, editors at the newspaper were thrown into a tizzy. “My God! What have we done?” screamed one. “How could this happen?” cried another as she pounded her fist into her desk.

Late last night, word was sent out that the paper plans to make up for the folly with a new feature called “Crime of the Week.”

The Bristol Press staff will determine the crime of the week based on several factors: the type of crime, any links to sex, the number of ne’er-do-wells behind it, the amount of money or sex involved, whether the crime involved animals particularly circus monkeys, was sex a factor, and whether the perpetrator was particularly sexy. In fact, the Press has offered a $500 reward for anyone reporting a crime involving Miss Mum City, along with any unseemly pictures of her.

Update: The author of the article on the gala was suspended for a week and threatened with physical violence, with the threat to be published by The Bristol Press in a story about crime at newspapers.

Twitter to Be Bought by General Zod

October 3, 2016


For the past few years, trouble with slowing user growth at social media giant Twitter has led investors to recommend it be acquired by another company in order to realize better growth and profits. In a surprise announcement, CEO Jack Dorsey revealed they indeed accepted such a takeover offer not from Microsoft or Google, but from Superman’s archenemy, General Zod.

What market watchers think clinched the deal was the general’s promise that if Twitter’s board of directors not fight his hostile takeover bid, they would not be killed. Speaking from his knees in a CNBC interview, Dorsey said that he is very happy with the deal and happy to serve Zod in any way he is told.

In a conference call with analysts, General Zod saw Twitter as a great fit for his mission of destroying Superman. “I’ve seen how Twitter shapes its feeds to promote a liberal agenda, attack Donald Trump and provide fashion tips from Rihanna,” said the Kryptonian warlord. “I will use the same strategy to promote my agenda to rule Earth, attack Superman and provide fashion tips from Rihanna.”

Details of the general’s offer for Twitter include payment of one-million intergalactic credits for all outstanding shares. Prices for Twitter stock swung wildly in reaction on Wall Street, partly due to traders not knowing how much a credit is worth in dollar terms.

Most traders saw this development for Twitter as positive. Said broker Arnie Pillpack in 140 characters or less, “Under Zod, the Street is confidant Twitter will dominate social media and even overtake Facebook once Zod’s forces crush Silicon Valley.”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.

Paranobel Season Set to Start

September 24, 2016


Just as the Olympics have the Paralympics, so too does the Nobel Prize have the Paranobel Prize. As with the Paralympics, the Paranobel Prizes recognize outstanding research performed by people with disabilities.

So far two winners have been announced. Mr. Mo Bethune, a dementia patient, nabbed the award for Literature with his self-published book, “rThe,Top hutterwerlasdfkljkl%$! qwerty”. The postmodernist treatise showcased an avant-garde disdain for traditionalist coherence and complete sentences. Critics loved the book, although they are still unsure if it tells the story of the War of 1812 or how to cure pneumonia in ducks. Asked to explain, a bewildered Mr. Bethune said, “I wrote a book?”

The second winner, Mr. JoJo Spacey who suffers from a rare form of silliness, took the Prize in Mathematics for solving the age-old problem of what does 2 + 2 equal. Mr. Spacey said that now with this solution in hand, it will allow further advances in the field of mathematics for other silly people, such as learning what 2 x 2 equals or the big question, “What comes after fiveteen?” He went on to thank his parents before running around the parking lot pretending to be an airplane.

Others wait for announcements in other categories. One is Angie Pesterman whose disability is not that she has one hand, but that she keeps it in a bucket of paint while making bird sounds. She is expected to add a Paranobel Prize to the Pulitzer she already took home for Best Commentary. With that double, experts say she’s a shoo-in to run the editorial department of the New York Times.

Community Associations Have Historic Sit-Down

August 21, 2016


A historic sit-down summit was recently held between the five heads of the city’s neighborhood and community associations including the West End Association, Forestville Village Association, Federal Hill Association, the Bristol NAACP chapter and the West Cemetery Association.

The meeting was held at an undisclosed location in the Northeast section of the city to guarantee security. The groups met to discuss important policies, rules and mutual “business interests” including the future of the Mum Festival.

Details are tough to obtain due to the “omerta” or Code of Silence but the heads of the associations or “Dons” were in attendance along with their bosses, capos and consiglieres. One source said the sit-down was necessary as a means to name a new “capo di tutti capi” or “Godfather” for the group.

One of the more important topics involved the West Cemetery Association wanting assurances or guarantees from the West End Association that they would not muscle in on their turf, namely the lantern tour in the West Cemetery. In order to avoid all-out war with the other community groups, the West End Association agreed.

It was notable that there was any representation from Chippens Hill. Some theorize that no one was invited from the most affluent area in the city so they could be politically marginalized. While others believe the Dons are preparing to go to the mattresses against Chippens Hill.