May 18, 2018

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Note to Our Readers

April 12, 2018

Our regular news updates on the hour, every hour will be interrupted today as we fight an attempt by ransomware to take over the computers at Boardman as somebody set up us the bomb.

Thank you for your patience as we take off every zig.



You have no chance to survive make your time.

Other Headlines:
– All Your Base Are Belong To Us
– All Your Base Are Belong To Us
– All Your Base Are Belong To Us


The Sore LoserPaLooza Comes to Forestville

March 20, 2018

Sore LoserPalooza is coming to the green near the Forestville Train Station this June 9th and 10th. That’s right, sore Losers, whiners and poor sports alike can complain, name call and blame others for their discontent without being judged.

If you are bitter, angry, always point the finger and never own your troubles or defeats, and; you never look inward like a normal person, then this is the place for you!

Sore LoserPalooza is a two-day bitch fest for athletes, politicians, office workers and shut-ins to blame others and insult rivals.

In addition to the blaming anyone but themselves mantra, sore losers can play interactive video games such as Scapegoat. Scapegoat is an arcade style game with a large video screen and sound system where players conquer the world, and inevitably lose but it is not their fault so they get to pick the scapegoat!

Venders will be on hand too selling crying towels, tissues AND the best selling book The Blame Game: How the World is Out to Get You.

In keeping with the anger and doom and gloom of the attendees, there will be music from the likes of Depeche Mode, The Smiths and The Cure.

The VIP guest list is still to be announced but past speakers include: Tom Brady, Cam Newton and Sergio Garcia.

Admission is free but tickets are ten bucks.


Why New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart Always Smiles is Finally Revealed!

February 2, 2018

Erin Stewart became mayor of New Britain at the age of 26 in 2013, and was reelected in 2015 and 2017 as well.

Prior to becoming mayor, Erin was a campaign staffer for former Congresswoman Nancy Jonson, and was a legislative aide in the Connecticut General Assembly.

These are some of the reasons she is always smiling, but others say it is because of her new BankAmericard® Credit Card!

The BankAmericard® Credit Card is the top-ranked balance transfer card, and a great choice for anyone looking to save on balance transfer fees and interest charges, especially if you live in New Britain or Forestville, which is so awesome!

But that is not the only reason for Erin’s ear to ear smile.

The 30 year old New Britain mayor is a fiscally conservative Republican who is also pro choice and supports responsible gun ownership, and the civil rights of everybody, which brings a smile to her face day in and day out. However, another reason Erin Stewart is always smiling is because the GOVERNMENT WILL PAY YOUR MORTAGE IF YOU BORN BEFORE 1984!

That’s right people the Federal Government, yes THE federal government, has introduced a brilliant homeowner program called Home Affordable Refinance Plan (HARP), which benefits millions of Americans; if you believe everything you read on the internet is true! By enrolling in this program homeowners can reduce their monthly mortgage payments by a ton.

You may find it hard to believe, but this is not the only reason Erin is constantly smiling. No, no.

During her tenure as mayor, Erin Stewart cut the city of New Britain’s deficit with spending cuts and eliminating jobs and the results were four bond-rating upgrades from Standard & Poor’s.

And while that brought a smile to her face, Erin Stewart was REALLY smiling when she learned Michigan Treasure Hunters unearthed dirt in their quest to find a 220 year old treasure!

Erin is tickled with delight that Rick and Marty Lagina are from Kingsford, Michigan, and that every summer they spend millions of dollars in Novia Scotia to find undiscovered dirt buried deep below the surface of the earth.

So, at long last Erin Stewart’s secret is revealed, which is another reason she is always smiling because…

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International News Roundup

January 29, 2018

Swedish Furniture Firm Head Retires, Citing Death

STOCKHOM – IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at home while resting on an IKEA-brand spring mattress (HAUGSVÄR $399.00) in dark gray. His family announced that his funeral will be held Tuesday in the local church at Agunnaryds under IKEA chandelier lights (KRISTALLER $39.99) in front of a brown-black altar with two extension leaves (BJURSTA $169.00). The service is expected to go quickly once parishioners finish assembling the church (KYRKA $29,999.99, 2 for $54,999.99).

Kamprad’s doctor says the 91-year-old billionaire died from cancer (KRÄFTAN Out of Stock).

Trump Wows Audience at World Economic Forum

DAVOS – President Donald Trump told a sold-out summit of world leaders and left-leaning billionaires Friday the U.S. is “open for business.” Despite predictions to the contrary, he was greeted by mobs of autograph-seeking fans with women screaming and fainting. After yelling “I want to have your baby!” British Prime Minister Theresa May said she hopes Trump will ask her out to the White House again sometime; if he wasn’t too busy.

Representatives from the U.S. Department of Souvenirs reported brisk business at Davos, selling officially licensed Trump-Davos canes, tuxedos, top hats and limousines. All proceeds go to the U.S. debt.

Meerkats on Alert as Dollar Slides Against Major Currencies

LONDON – Currency traders are watching a continued selloff in U.S. currency. Said one trader on the floor of the CBOE who had trouble getting up, “The dollar’s seeing multiyear lows against the euro and the yen as well as the four-ton stone rai from the Island of Yap.”

The cause of the drop is blamed on a suddenly strong U.S. economy and late night parties at Janet Yellen’s, where the Federal Reserve head is said to “make it rain.”

Other stories in the news:
– Flooding in France: Thousands of French Bathed for First Time in Years
– India to Make Movie Without Singing and Dancing
– North Korea’s Olympic Team to Include Mascot – Haengbog the Tapeworm


National Adverb Expo Coming to Forestville

December 30, 2017

Adverb enthusiasts will be positively delighted to know that the National Adverb Expo is coming to Forestville the last week of January in 2018. Forestville has been chosen to host the National Adverb Expo over Wolcott, Plainville and New Britain.

The expo features America’s leading authority on adverbs, Charles Phillip Quickly. He will deliver the keynote lecture entitled, “Living in Hell: A World Without Adverbs.” Mr. Quickly will also discuss the state of the adverb industry and showcase new adverbs he’s been working on, such as “whilethoughstill”, meaning “nevertheless although at the same time” and “cameloexplosively”, a word he hasn’t made up a definition for yet.

Local grammarian Anna McCauley-Ridgeway will chair a panel on “How Adverbs Helped Rescuers During the Catastrophic Flood of ’55”. “One adverb in particular can be singled out as especially heroic,” she says. “When rescuers heard the flood was ‘really’ bad, they knew to come right away.”

Ms. McCauley-Ridgway points out how adverbs were used in many historic documents and speeches, such as the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address and Kim Kardashian’s 2017 interview for Interview Magazine — the part where she talks about her love for Donald J. Trump.

As a guardian of language, Ms. McCauley-Ridgeway worries that grammar is under attack and one day adverbs may no longer exist. So, she encourages attendees to bring their treasured correspondence so that adverbs in their letters and e-mails can be identified and preserved for future generations.

The expo is currently slated to be held at the amazingly big banquet hall strategically, luckily and gratuitously located downtown by the lovely sign for Nuchie’s, near the place with really, really, really good pizza.

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about this matter.


City Hall Open Today

December 26, 2017

Fans of City Hall are in for a real treat Tuesday because it is open for business from 8:30 AM to 5:00 PM!

Located at 111 North Main Street in downtown Bristol, City Hall is the chief administrative building for the city of Bristol. The workday lasts eight hours for most employees today unless they must leave early for personal reasons or are part-time.

City Hall has three floors with the third floor being the highest point of the building. However, be advised there are two more stairs at the top of the north staircase than there are at the bottom of the north staircase. Consequently, stair walkers are advised to plan their ascent and descent of the stairs accordingly.

Visitors are reminded to arrive early because after a three day weekend crowds are expected resulting in long lines, and delays at some department offices.

Autograph seekers can only request autographs when employees depart the building. Due to union rules, department offices, break rooms and hallways are off-limits to autographs.

Flash photography is frowned upon and fireworks and alcohol are prohibited. Also, do not attempt to feed city employees. City Hall has vending machines and city workers generally bring food, water and snacks to work.

Inclement weather is not predicted so it should be a good day for government.