Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.


Google Wrecks Bristol

May 7, 2017

A test of Google’s Waymo autonomously driven vehicles in Bristol resulted in the cars crashing into each other around 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon. Police were immediately dispatched to the scene to make fun of the wreck.

According to police, one self-driving car broadsided the other after being distracted by a curvy inflatable air dancer by an auto dealership.

The slow-moving crash sent one onboard computer to the hospital. The other was released after completing a concussion protocol. However, they both face charges of texting while driving, e-mailing while driving and generally being a computer while driving.

One Google spokesman at their San Francisco-area headquarters would not comment specifically on the incident, but did remark how he loves quinoa breakfast tacos.

Another, more helpful spokesman said, “We learn from each accident. Last year when a Waymo went up onto a train trestle and spontaneously exploded, we realized cars should not drive on railroad tracks. When one exploded after parking in front of a fire hydrant, we determined that cars should not park illegally. Another time, a bear stopped our vehicle without it exploding and dragged it into a cave for the winter. Bears are pretty mean.”

Mrs. Kaylee Henderson, 73, has her own complaint. She left Cornerstone Church after a particularly exciting sermon on Biblical laundry when she got stuck behind a Waymo traveling at about five miles an hour. “No car should go that slow in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone,” she said. “It should travel as fast as I do – seven, ten miles an hour.”

Google expects there to be no more incidents with their self-driving cars. These tests will lead up to their next experiment – self-walking dogs.


Changes for the 2017 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 6, 2017

Tomorrow the annual Pequabuck River Duck Race will be held in Forestville. 5,000 rubber ducks will be poured into the river and float downstream with the ticket holders winning prizes.

This year, to add to the excitement, some ducks will explode on contact with other ducks. Fishermen will wait downstream to get the dead fish that surface from the detonations.

Gambling on the ducks will also be legal with an odds maker and bookie from the Pequot tribe officiating.

And to complicate matters more, it will be a relay race. After reaching Nuchie’s the plastic ducks will have to go back up stream. The first to reach Andrews Street will be the winner. Race officials admit that it is going to be a really long day.

While many residents admit they enjoy the festivities and charitable causes many only attend to see the ducks crash or sink.

The Most Spectacular, Death-Defying Crashes in Pequabuck River Duck Race History

Since its humble beginnings there have been many race tragedies. People falling into the river, ducks spontaneously combusting into flames and horrific wrecks. Here are some of the most memorable Pequabuck River Duck Race crashes and moments:

2005
Duck 314 crashes along the river bank and does not complete the race. He was later removed by volunteers and recycled into a boot.

2006
Ducks 619, 714, 1812 and 3976 sink to the bottom of the Pequabuck. To this day they are presumed missing as their whereabouts remains unknown.

2010
Duck W50 was initially declared the winner. However, it was soon discovered that the plastic duck was introduced into the race at the last minute along Broad Street.

2013
In pre-race festivities, Duck 500 was given a river burial for honorable service. His body was laid on its side under the flag of Forestville and rolled over the edge of a plank into the water, along with a rock weight tied to its neck. In the moving ceremony, a lone bugler played, “Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends” as veteran sponsors saluted.

2014
Snipers fire salt rock at the ducks in attempt to influence race results. The snipers linked to the Icelandic State, yelled, “Odin is great!” and tried to make their getaway on a waiting Viking Longship.

The festivities start at 11AM with the race at 2PM.


Republicanville

May 5, 2017

Yesterday afternoon House Republicans passed a bill to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act thus fulfilling a seven year promise. It is projected that 24 million people will be without health insurance and top income earners will receive a massive tax break.

Local republicans took to the streets of Forestville and celebrated.

At Republican headquarters party members gathered and were delighted that health care could not only be taken away from people across the country, but locally too. Many proudly took selfies with the House Bill while others were seen fist bumping, high fiving and relishing the moment.

Republican strategist Latham Eikel and his wife Eleanor were writhing in orgasmic pleasure. The normally reserved and puritanical Eikel’s were quivering and crying out in shear ecstasy that the wealthy would receive a much needed and deserved capital gains tax cut.

Others were foaming at the mouth unable to control their delight that the elderly, sick, and the poor would lose health insurance. Still more were thrilled and beaming that under the Bill insurance companies can charge higher prices on customers with pre-existing illnesses or that hospitals in poor areas with vulnerable populations would see cuts in outpatient care and services for the mentally ill.


May Day Protests Cause Mayday For Bristol

May 2, 2017

The violence that visited May Day protests overseas spread to Connecticut, but for different reasons.  Bristol’s own May Day centers not on worker rights but honoring flowers.  The Forestville Garden Club held its annual May Day March For Plants Monday, where as its president Synthia Marsh says, “We walk for those that can’t.”

However as in past years, the march turned violent.  Shouting “Rafflesia arnoldii are flowers too!”, “Justice for Euphorbia esula!” and “Hell, no – We won’t grow!”, protestors hurled seed packets and bulbs at riot police.  Two policemen were sent to the nurse at Chippens Hill Middle School with bits of pollen in their eyes.  Passersby were sent fleeing to the scene to take selfies.

Ms. Marsh issued an apology on behalf of the club, blaming the violence on a few members who drank too much cooking sherry.  Others claim the violence was incited by a particularly raucous episode of “The Victory Garden.”  The Forestville Fire Department is also investigating to determine if arson was the cause.


Forestville Book Club Embroiled in Controversy

May 1, 2017

Kelly Slater, a member of the Forestville Book Club, is embroiled in controversy with members of the club.

The club is reading Gravity’s Rainbow, a dark and sinister novel by Thomas Pincheon. However, following their meeting one week ago, they agreed to read two chapters during the week but Miss Slater read ahead of the group and completed four chapters.

A number of influential members became livid and condemned her reading even threatening to take her bookmark and reading lamp. Mary Leshin, President of the Forestville Book Club told members via email, “We are taking this infraction seriously and will take action, if necessary.”

The next day though the club convened in an executive session and recommended that she be forced to read silently the next time the group met. Slater recused herself from the session and later, after hearing of the disciplinary action, called the group a bunch of schoolmarms and similar salty adjectives.

Miss Slater said she did not understand their autocratic style and is thinking of leaving the book club to start her own.


Desperately Seeking Tax Increases

April 27, 2017

Legislative Democrats at the Connecticut State Capitol are disappointed that the bonding committee will not recommend major tax hikes this year. “What is wrong with these people?” asked Senate President Pro Tempore Martin M. Looney as he began to tear up. “It’s our bread and butter.”

State Senator Beth Bye was equally stymied and dramatically asked, “What is the point of a legislative session if we are not going to have tax increases? Isn’t that why we are here?”

Consequently, Democrats in the House and the Senate, desperate to sign tax legislation that would raise taxes, frantically called legislators in other states and pleaded to allow Connecticut lawmakers the opportunity to sign legislation in their jurisdiction, which would raise taxes on individuals, corporations and or dead people.