Local Democrats and Republicans cannot agree on much, other than they don’t really care for one another and they hold the other responsible for our collective woes. The vitriol displayed on social media over these issues is at times not for the timid.
As a result, frustrated with what they called “the Democrats antics,” Republicans decided to conduct a raid on the Bristol Democratic Town Committee (DTC) Headquarters. So, adorned in the latest wear from Vineyard Vines, they assembled at the Chippanee Country Club. With their Gingham Oxford shirts and Bermuda shorts glistening under the moon’s light, they marched south to the West End, a loyal stronghold for the Democrats.
The predawn raid began before dawn with the Republicans ransacking the DTCHQ by pillaring campaign door hangers, flyers and handouts. The savage and barbaric behavior climaxed when a handlebar mustache was drawn on to a Josh Medeiros campaign poster.
The assault was well underway when a nameless Democrat named Atticus Covell came upon the raid, took to his Hybrid Car and made a midnight ride through the West End to alarm his fellow Democrats. A hastily mobilized liberal regiment soon arrived and engaged the Republicans by yelling out left-speak code words such as “carbon footprint” and “equality for all” and “targeted spending”, while waving around the Rose Report, Bristol’s version of the Warren Commission Report.
The Republicans retreated to the Roberts Property on Chippens Hill, and were hassled en route by the Democrats who flashed images of Eleanor Roosevelt, Robert Kennedy, Cesar Chavez, Bernie Sanders and Julian Bond, which seared their Republican eyes. The Republicans returned the volley fire and called them snowflakes, libtards and moonbats. Their feelings hurt, the Democrats withdrew to a safe space to attend their wounds.
Both sides later conceded the raid was pointless and so were the countermeasures, but mutually agreed they would continue hostilities by demonizing the opposition on social media until the election.