Forestville Celebrates Lincoln’s Birthday

February 12, 2018

The village of Forestville has a several events planned today for Lincoln’s birthday that have nothing to do with the 16th President of the United States and Great Emancipator.

However, there will no reading of the Gettysburg Address or his Second Inaugural. Instead, the following activities are planned:

The Manross Library will host Basket Weaving for Men at 9AM. Instructor, famed Forestville coach, Coach Halpert, will guide men and boys through the intricacies of basket weaving because as the brochure says, “Basket weaving just ain’t for chicks.”

Using marram, straw, willow or bramble, guys will make baskets that are suitable for holding flowers, towels, tiny little soaps, medium wrenches and 3/4″ lug nuts.

Over at the Forestville Historical Society will be an engineering class for women entitled, Engineering for Women. The class is from 1PM until whenever.

Forestville resident Dr. Emma Glockenspiel will teach women civil engineering while they sip wine, gossip, knit, post entries to their gratitude journals or organize their coupons.

Dr. Glockenspiel is a civil engineer with a husband and three loving children and yes, she is very happy.


City Council Live Tuesday

February 11, 2018

Tickets are still available for Tuesday’s City Council meeting at 111 N. Main Street at 7PM.

The agenda items include many standards from their catalog such as: “Approval of the Minutes from the Previous Meeting,” “Appointments,” and “Resignations.”

For Tuesday’s meeting, promoters promise the set list will feature the council’s signature hits “Unfinished Business,” “New Business,” and “Committee Reports” with a slew of others including their anthem “Announcements.”

Recent performances saw Councilwoman Mary Fortier’s signature announcement and solo spot “How to Pay Your Water Bill Online” being dropped from the set. Devotes (Councilheads) are hoping it returns Tuesday night because it usually rips the roof off the place.

Attendees should be ready for a neat and orderly meeting with plenty of council clichés, presentations, questions and general banality. However, Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu promises a quiz following the meeting with study aids being made available.

As an added bonus an “Executive Session” could be in order, but it will be out of sight from the public. Although, a glimpse of the Cone of Decision is possible.

The opening act is expected to be Joint Board Meeting, and their set will last 15-30 minutes. Councilheads will be pleased to learn they will not perform an extended version of “Comptroller Interlude” thus extending the JBM set.

Event: City Council Meeting
Date and Time: Tuesday February 13, 7 PM
Opening Act: Joint Board Meeting
Special Guests: Public Participation (Open format)

And We are Off! Martin, Betts and Pavalock-D’Amato to Run Again

February 10, 2018

Three Bristol Republicans, Henri Martin, Whit Betts and Cara Christine Pavalock-D’Amato, announced they are seeking re-election for state office in 2018.

Here is a quick snapshot of the candidates in under 350 words because Boardman is going to IKEA this morning despite my misgivings.

Henri Martin State Senator, (R31)

Martin is seeking office in the 31st District, according to the press release issued in Sanskrit by the three-term state senator.

“Give ’em Hell Henri” is a State Senator by day and a real estate guy by night. The only thing missing is a red cape.

A top priority for Senator Martin is the state deficit. Or, is it? “I am happy there is a state deficit of epic proportions because it gives me something to campaign on,” Mr. Martin told Boardman telepathically.

Whit Betts State Representative (R-78)

Whitt Betts, the gentleman of Bristol politics, has served admirably and adeptly during his tenure in the state legislature. Not only that but he is the longest serving member of the trio.

“I have served for eight years and I do believe in term limits but not until I qualify for my state pension, which will be in two years!” he explained to Boardman over a bottle of 1959 Chateau Lafite.

Cara Christine Pavalock- D’Amato, State Representatives (R-77)

Cara Christine Pavalock-D’Amato has the longest name in Bristol politics with middle names, hyphens and surnames combined; it gives Boardman a headache.

During her four years in Hartford, Cara has begun to develop an independent streak as she bucked the system and voted against a negotiated bipartisan budget, which Boardman likes and respects.

The U.S. Constitution is a priority for Cara, telling Boardman while hand washing her Ann Taylor nylons, “I love freedom of speech as long as that speech does not criticize me.”

She is also a supporter of the 2nd Amendment because blah, blah, blah. However, where she stands on the quartering of troops as written in the Third Amendment or the Commerce Clause (Article 1, Section 8, Clause 3) remains a mystery.

Meanwhile on the other side crickets.

This sentence intentionally does not add any information.

Changes Coming to Thanksgiving Day Game

February 8, 2018

Now that football season is over with the completion of the Super Bowl, the office of the Athletic Director for the School District in collaboration with the Bristol Board of Education announced they are making significant changes to Bristol’s Thanksgiving Day game known as the Battle for the Bell next season. The changes are being made so the game is not just about football, but improving academics and standardized test scores as well.

Among the changes for the 2018 game are the following:

1) Players will have Roman Numerals on their Jerseys
Reason: According to the BOE, “There is no better way or time to introduce students to Latin.”

2) Metric System to be used as the Unit of Measurement
Reason: “Swimming and track and field use the metric system and those sports have international appeal so it is about time football did too. Using the metric system will make the game European,” officials said.

* Yards will be replaced with meters
* Players weight measured in kilograms and height in centimeters
* Statistics recorded in kilometers, meters and centimeters

* Offense and defense will only have ten players on the field at a time

3) Players Names Added to their Jerseys and in Cursive Script
Reason: “Common Core standards dictate cursive not be taught however; today’s students cannot write in cursive nor can they read cursive, but they will need to know how to read cursive on legal documents when they purchase a home, are sued or get divorced,” the BOE press release stated.

4) Spectators Tested at Halftime
Reason: No one listens to the bands intently so there will be a music appreciation test following the performances. Spectators must identify instruments, compositions and musical periods from the Baroque era through the jazz era before the game resumes.

5) Halftime Renamed Intermission
Reason: Bristol is in need of culture and refinement and doing so will give the game an air of sophistication.

Other changes include the following:

* Spectators wear attire that is not disruptive to the game
* Attendance taken prior to the coin flip
* One-third of American kids are overweight or obese so only fruit and vegetables will be served inside the stadium
* Packets of carrot sticks and humus are allowed, provided they are in a clear plastic bag
* 15 minutes allotted to eat

To this end, the Board of Education updated the student handbook to reflect these new policies.

Glitches Mars Otherwise Perfect SpaceX Mission

February 7, 2018

Tuesday, entrepreneur Elon Musk’s SpaceX launched the most powerful rocket in history. The payload for the Falcon Heavy rocket was Musk’s own Tesla roadster complete with a test dummy which gave the finger to North Korea as it flew overhead in orbit.

Two of the three booster rockets landed safely back on Earth. The third hit the ocean, wiping out an all-dolphin production of “Phantom of the Opera,” put on by the Kissimmee Women’s Guild.

The launch vehicle continued on to orbit the sun. There, the mission encountered a second glitch when Musk’s roadster struck a passing meteor. This marks the first car accident in space. Local Florida police let Musk off with only a warning. However, the district attorney wants to prosecute him for traveling 12,397 miles per hour over the speed limit.

Federal Hill Association to Provide Trolley Tours Following Winter Storm

February 7, 2018

Bristol/Forestville will receive a wintry mix of ice and show Wednesday with schools expected to be closed. Accumulations will be 2 to 4 inches with the higher elevations to receive slightly more.

The Bristol Federal Hill Association, anticipating the community wants to know how residents of Federal Hill faired during and after the storm, will have trolley tours all day Thursday so everyone can see for themselves. The tours will feature first-hand accounts by Federal Hill residents about the challenges they faced watching others clean their driveways and sidewalks.

There will also be stories by survivors who braved the elements, and removed snow themselves with a snowblower or shovel.

Meanwhile, Thursday morning, the mayor and acting mayor will survey the snow covered Federal Hill neighborhood from a helicopter to verify there is no damage. Later, they will attend a media briefing and update the city if Federal Hill residents require aid or assistance.

If you need information about how family and friends in the Federal Hill neighborhood are doing after the storm, the city encourages you to call the hotline they set up at 1-800-FEDERAL. The hotline is open from 6:30 a.m. until midnight every day until the next storm rolls in.

Patriots Lose Super Bowl, Causing Stock Market to Crash

February 6, 2018

The U.S. Stock Market took a downward plunge Monday following the New England Patriots dramatic 41-33 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday night. The market dropped almost 1,600 points marking it the largest decline since 2011. Sizeable losses by lunch caused investors to panic.

To ease investor concerns, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in a stunning announcement said he will make the Eagles and Patriots co-champions. Consequently, to celebrate the Patriots fifth and a half Super Bowl win, the City of Boston will have a combined victory parade with the Eagles Thursday. Boston Mayor Marty Walsh proclaimed, “It will be a day of duck boats and Philly cheesesteaks!”

Following this unprecedented move, the market saw a small rally late in the afternoon.

However, several pension funds seeing the value of their 401Ks plummet said they will sue the Eagles and the City of Philadelphia due to the losses they incurred.

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment.