Will They Debate, or Will They Not Debate: That is the Question

July 18, 2017

Five months before the election for mayor, Bristol/Forestville residents are curious if the two candidates, Mayor Ken Cockayne and challenger Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, will have any debates.

Setting up a debate is no easy task. Guidelines and rules need to be established and agreed upon by the candidates. Squabbling over locations, dates and topics is inevitable and common.

The mayor would prefer there not be any debates telling Boardman while he had this reporter in a headlock, “One is too many while zero is just enough but don’t write that you little jerk!”

Representatives for the mayor have said unofficially that the mayor will debate Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu only under the following conditions:

• She does not make an opening or closing statement
• She does not answer any questions asked of her
• Should Ellen speak her microphone is to be inoperable
• Everything in the debate venue is to be the mayor’s campaign color of orange
• Democrats are prohibited from the debate venue
• Under no circumstances is Ellen to do one of her patented and lethal eye rolls
• If the mayor does not know the answer to a question he can phone a friend, spin again or buy a vowel, whatever is necessary

Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Party, told Boardman, “Mayor Cockayne will be thrilled to debate the democratic candidate provided she adheres to all of our conditions and she has none of her own.”

In response the Zoppo-Sassu campaign had only two demands 1) the mayor agrees to a debate and 2) he shows up.

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu elaborated to Boardman while drinking a Starbucks® Iced Espresso Classic, Vanilla Latte, “I went through this no debate thing with [Art] Ward. In 2015 my opponent and I debated once. Won’t someone debate me? What about you [Boardman] will you debate me? I will even let you ask yourself questions to make it easy.”

The election is Tuesday, November 7, 2017. Stay informed with Boardman’s semi accurate election coverage.


U.S.-France Relationship Rocked by Trump’s Testy Call With President Macron

July 15, 2017

Early in the Donald Trump presidency, leaks of partial content of phone calls between the president and world leaders became big headlines. Boardman is proud to announce it too now has the partial content of a phone call between Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron, thanks to an anonymous leaker named Jacques Aurevoir.

The following was a call placed by Macron from his quarters in the Élysée Palace to Trump in the American embassy about ten at night, following dinner at the Eiffel Tower with their wives, Melania and Brigitte.

Macron: Hi, Don. So, what are you doing now?

Trump: Same thing I was doing fifteen minutes ago when you last called. Writing an executive order for a border wall with California.

Macron:: You want to come over and play Xbox? I just got “Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare.”

Trump: Not now.

Macron: How about in an hour?

Trump: Maybe another time.

Macron: Okay… Hey, you like crepes? There’s a great crepe cart around the corner. We could go eat some crepes and ride horses after.

Trump: Really, I need to finish this order and…

(Sound of Brigitte in background)

Macron: Oh, I have to go. It’s my bedtime. See you tomorrow, okay?

Trump: Sure.

Macron: Promise?

Trump: Yes. Yes, I promise.

Macron: Cool! I want to show you my Spider-Man comic book collection. Then a parade with army men and jeeps and guns and big planes! – And they do anything I want them to! It’ll be so amazing! A demain!


Will There be a Debate?

July 14, 2017

Last week everyone at the G20 Summit was discussing John Podesta and the DNC server. However, according to sources the “big talk” at the summit was actually, when will Bristol’s mayoral candidates have a debate?

The campaigns of Republican incumbent Ken Cockayne and his Democratic challenger, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, have yet to officially discuss a debate schedule.

However, operatives say the republicans do not want any debates whatsoever because they are worried Donna Brazile will provide Ellen the questions prior to the debates. “We will not be Brazilled!” exclaimed Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Town Committee at a recent fundraiser.

Should a debate schedule be worked out, a completely fictional Boardman source said republicans will insist that the mayor’s podium be bigger than Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s and she be prohibited from making an opening or closing statement. In fact, they will demand she not be allowed to speak, talk, chat, enunciate, verbalize, or whisper, and most importantly, she must pledge not to roll her eyes. “We would prefer she not be invited at all,” said one Republican source who asked that his name, Latham Eikel, not be revealed.

No word from the Zoppo-Sassu campaign if these terms are acceptable.

Noted historian Doris Kearns-Goodwin weighed in on the matter and keenly observed that Bristol’s 2017 election for mayor will be historic. Not because a racial barrier will fall, or the first Roman Catholic will be elected or a man in a wheelchair will win, or a billionaire businessman from New York will defy the odds and beat an establishment candidate.

Rather, should the mayor be victorious, he will be the first Bristol mayor to be re-elected that was censured by the city council, and cost the taxpayers over $100,000 in legal fees due to a “lapse in judgment.”

Meanwhile, if Ellen Zoppo-Sassu is elected she will be the first mayor in Bristol to have a hyphenated last name.

This sentenced was written due to boredom.

Boardman


New Tech To Power Government

July 11, 2017

At a recent White House tech summit, President Trump announced plans to modernize government computers and software. But leaks to the Washington Post by an anonymous A.I. reveal these aren’t the only things that will be modernized.

For decades, presidents have climbed up and down a steep, exhausting set of stairs to enter Air Force One. The stairs will now be replaced by an escalator. This way, presidents can save their legs and wave to the crowd the entire way up and the entire way down when exiting or entering the plane.

Other planned changes upgrade White House brooms to the new Swiffer Sweeper and some staffers will be replaced by Amazon Echo devices. Also, all government employee mobile devices will have new Twitter emojis.

Visiting dignitaries will find a refreshing change from the traditional red carpet with the new red moving sidewalk. To improve security, the front door of the White House will have a Ring doorbell.

The president’s helicopter transport Marine One will be replaced by a Transformer, Suboptimus Prime. One human staffer privately worries this will be a bigger disaster than the new Transformers movie. “Turns out Suboptimus runs on a Windows platform. He takes thirty minutes to boot up in the morning and then we have to wait another thirty for him to download and install his updates.”

When asked for comment, White House spokesman Alexa said, “Sorry. I didn’t understand the question that I heard.”


Pence Still Nodding His Head in Admiration of Trump

July 8, 2017

After 167 days as vice president and despite an administration plagued by leaks, firings, and a president that shared classified intelligence with Russian officials, Mike Pence still manages to look adoringly at President Trump.

The VP was last spotted doing his dutiful duty early this week in the Oval Office while Trump signed an Executive Order. Later, he stood close by and nodded his head up and down while Trump had his pouty “ain’t I powerful face” going.

Despite President Trump’s low poll numbers and a presidency constantly in turmoil and turbulence, Vice President Mike Pence promises he will continue to dreamily gaze at Trump.


CNN: The Joke Stops Here

July 7, 2017

CNN tracked down the person who made the meme of Trump beating up a person wearing a CNN logo in a pro-wrestling match. They threatened him with public exposure and subsequent violence. As a condition of their silence, the perpetrator agreed to abstain from internet activity and have Anderson Cooper’s face tattooed on his buttocks.

CNN head Jeff Zucker said that the network’s strategy is to now get tough with people who would make fun of them. “News is not funny,” he said while standing barefoot in a vat of wine grapes. “Anyone who tries to make fun of it, we will crush like… like whatever I’m standing on right now.”

As part of this new aggressive stance, the network ID has also changed. Now James Earl Jones announces, “This is CNN… b***h!”

Zucker also declared, “Next, we’re going after ‘The Simpsons’ for killing me off in an episode. I promise everyone that this time Bart will eat my shorts!”

In response to these actions, the board of Boardman and its founder, Alan Boardman, unanimously voted to not offend CNN in future articles.

“I have a wife and kids,” said one harried board member. “I can’t afford for CNN to find out and tell my girlfriend about that!”

“My degree from The Connecticut School of Broadcasting And Stuff never prepared me for this,” said another. “I have nightmares of Wolf Blitzer making love to my wife!”

As a precautionary procedure, Boardman offices have instituted CNN reporter drills. Employees will learn what to do in case a representative from CNN visits. Boardman’s current fire marshal on loan from a rival Bristol newspaper based in Nevada, Edward Clarkin said, “We’re still deciding what a drill should look like. We considered ‘duck and cover.’ But for now, we are sticking to the procedure John Kerry used to negotiate a deal with Iran – ‘stop, drop and beg.'”


Nutmeg TV to Air New Game Show ‘As Politicians Match Wits’

July 5, 2017

This September Nutmeg Community Access TV will debut a new game show called,” As Politicians Match Wits”. Votes and donations are on the line as local politicians compete against one another by answering general knowledge questions such as: What color is the color tan? And, what time is it at 10:30?

The program will be hosted by former TV newsman Tom Monahan because he has his own microphone.

The first episode gets off to a quick start with Andrew Howe and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu squaring off. Outraged by the first question, what day is tomorrow?, Mr. Howe forfeits the game because he felt the question should have gone out to referendum so the public could weigh in. Consequently Ellen plays against herself in what turns out to be a seesaw battle. Tune in to see who wins.

Twelve episodes will air and feature Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley, Greg Hahn, Dave Mills, Eric Carlson, Dave Preleski, Mary Fortier, Anthony D’Amato and Cheryl Thibeault with her impressive resume.

The mayor refused to participate based on the advice of counsel, but Egor his spokesperson will.

Egor

As Politicians Match Wits will air Fridays at 9 p.m. following Nostradamus Knows Best, a sitcom about the everyday troubles faced by the 16th-century French , physician, philosopher and seer.