5:50 AM – Welcome to coverage of Bristol’s Election Day 2017 from Chippens Hill Middle School polling station. People have been camping out here since last night. Some went home when they found out the line was for voting, not the iPhone X.
5:55 AM – The polls are about to open. As everyone knows, voting in Bristol starts with the traditional casting of the first ballot performed by the resident with the most elections under their belt. That honor goes to 90-year-old Mrs. Myrna Dorian, who is 59 – 0 in voting in elections.
She is now arriving in her 1977 silver Cadillac Seville proudly escorted by four Bristol Shriners in tiny cars.
As last puffs of black soot leave the car’s exhaust pipe, the nonagenarian Mrs. Dorian steps out of her car.
6:00 AM – Mrs. Dorian is still stepping out of her car.
6:15 AM – A polling station volunteer is now helping Mrs. Dorian step out of the car.
She is wearing an extraordinary $30 Martha Stewart ensemble complemented by smart leather pumps from Shoe Circus. Look out, Melanea!
Mrs. Dorian waves to the crowd. In her honor, the middle school band performs the traditional tune “Going to Vote” by John Philip Sousa.
6:25 AM – She’s made her way into the polling station. They are checking her identification. As you know, Connecticut has no photo ID law. This is perfect since rumor has it she has lost her original voter ID card and so is pretending to be a 24-year-old Mexican immigrant.
And there she goes to the ballot booth to fill in her choices.
6:30 AM – Myrna emerges from her booth and deposits her ballot. She turns to the crowd hands in the air and a big smile on her face, her ballot cast.
Confetti is dropping from the ceiling.
Myrna seems a bit confused in the storm of confetti. But she has found the door out.
Myrna returns to her car as the band plays Sousa’s “Returning to the Car After Voting” song.
Damn, that Sousa knew how to write music!
9:00 AM – Bristol’s mayor has entered the polling station wearing his famous orange tie. It measures 3.5 inches wide and is 57 inches long. Rumors abound that the mayor sleeps with the tie because he can’t undue the knot.
City Clerk Therese Pac greets him at the door, dressed in the traditional gold brocade jacket over ruffle shirt, feathered cap, breeches, and white stockings with buckle shoes. Across her chest is the official sash of the Office of City Clerk.
Assistant to the Clerk Dawn LaBella similarly dressed with half-sash blows a trumpet announcing the mayor’s arrival. Hanging off the trumpet is the emblem of Bristol – a giant mum with a sword through it.
9:30 AM – It’s Democrat challenger Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s turn. She enters wearing a graduation robe from college and is posing for photographs holding a copy of her degree and an essay on why she wants to be mayor.
10:30 AM – I’m told the major write-in candidate for mayor has just shown up, though no one seems to recognize him. His candidacy has been marred by obscurity and an insistence that this election be a referendum on the war in Iraq.
11:02 AM: Currently at Northeast Middle School and Greg Hahn, with his hands in his pockets, has leisurely just strolled in and is now leisurely strolling out. He was mumbling something about Kern Park.
12:02 PM: Now at Greene Hills School and Cheryl Thibeault, candidate for office in the 3rd District, has arrived. Weird, but I was talking with her resume© ten minutes before she even got here.
1:30 PM: Registrar of Voters announces at the Chippens Hill precinct that the next 200 people to vote here will receive a Whit Betts bobblehead and Fathead.
3:05 PM: The Registrar is now at the Elks Lodge in District 2 and is randomly giving away toy voting booths and replica “I Voted Today” stickers to anyone that did not look all that weird.
4:30 PM: I Stopped in at Mountain View School and saw cheerleaders, adorned in conservative cheerleading garb so as to not entice the male voter, encouraging voters by chanting, “Vote! Vote! Vote!”
6:09 PM: There was no reason to write this sentence but nonetheless here it is.
6:12 PM: Done.