Preview of the 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 5, 2018

Sunday, 5,000 plastic ducks will be haphazardly dumped into the Pequabuck River with a race to the finish line. The ducks are numbered with winning ticket holders taking home prizes.

The Skinny and let’s get down to the nut cracking

Event: 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race.

Distance of the race: Unknown because no one has bothered to measure.

Where: Pequabuck River, a 19-mile river with lots of water that winds its way through Forestville.

Who’s Hot/ Who’s Not

Duck Number 12: The plastic duck had a strong showing in qualifying, finishing second at the Coppermine Brook Time Trials.

Duck Number 3162: The best thing that could happen to this duck is for it to be scuttled or lost during the race. Many believe the duck is jinxed having never finishing better than four thousandth.

Other stuff

Race day starts at 10 a.m. with the ceremonial blessing of the ducks.

The race is hosted by Bristol Chamber of Commerce and is sponsored by Hoover Vacuums, vacuums that really suck.

The proceeds raised benefit something and are used to clean stuff around the village.

Little Known Race Facts:

• To increase interest this year the race will be a relay.

• Ticket holders of the winning ducks will receive the usual bevy of prizes, but other prizes include coupons to Intimate Encounters a Forestville escort service; a Fast Pass to the Emergency Room of Bristol Hospital and a Get out of Jail Free Card courtesy of the Bristol PD.

• According to race promoters more than 70% of the fans that attend go to see if someone will fall or will be pushed into the river.

• The 2010 Pequabuck River Duck Race was called off shortly after it started due to a misunderstanding with confused duck hunters. Authorities say the Bristol Duck Hunting Club mistakenly opened fire on the plastic ducks thinking they were real. The hunters have not been charged and the matter is still being investigated eight years later.

• Race mascot Waddles the Duck will not be in attendance this year because he was slaughtered and turned into foie gras.


Is Russia Investigation Winding Down Or Will Red Sox Regret Trading Roenis Elias?

May 4, 2018

A list of questions Special Counsel Robert Mueller wants to ask the president was leaked all over the press this week. Wetted critics point out that although the counsel is charged with investigating Russian meddling in the 2016 election, none of the questions deal with it. Instead they center on the president’s feelings about topics like James Comey, Michael Flynn, sunsets and Green Day.

His questions include “What was your reaction to news reports on Jan. 12, 2017, and Feb. 8-9, 2017?”, “What flavor of ice cream do you like and why?”, “How does my hair look?” and “Is there life after death?” Many conservative pundits worry the latter question is a perjury trap. Still, Trump may grant an interview request on condition that Kanye West be allowed to translate his answers into a rap.

Ex-FBI head Comey chimed in while assembling an altar to himself. While Trump didn’t “collude” with Russia, Comey suspects he was “in cahoots.” He bases it on an FBI memo that he did not leak but slipped to the press in a non-FBI sanctioned manner.

Republicans complain that Mueller has yet to interview any of the Russians or Democrats his offices alleges are involved. Even the Russian lawyer who met Donald Trump Jr. was upset. Said Natalia Veselnitskaya, “I demand to be investigated, so I get big American tell-all book.”

To date, Mueller has charged 13 Russians for internet fraud, Paul Manafort for improperly declaring income prior to 2015, and several others for inaccurately stating how much money they saved on car insurance with GEICO.

A CNN panel of 72 analysts and a malamute think Mueller’s list shows he is running out of things to investigate. “You have to remember,” said the panelist with the loudest voice, “it comes after an e-mail he sent begging Trump staffers to turn themselves in for a crime, any crime, even mailing letters without sufficient postage.”

The dog added, “Ruh. Ruh. Ruh.”

Vacant Lost Fest 2018

April 24, 2018

Life-long Forestville resident Bob Knepper will be the featured guest at the 2018 Vacant Lot Fest in Forestville, which is taking place Saturday July 7th at 6PM, Forestville time.

This annual event features a private meet and greet with vacant lot land owners and includes an autograph session and a photo session too.

In addition to owning vacant lots in Forestville, Mr. Kneeper also owns vacant and abandoned properties throughout the region including memorable ones in New Britain, Plantsville, Meriden and Turner Falls Massachusetts.

Knepper began letting his properties go in the 1990s because he is lazy and stopped caring. The properties feature a wide swath of neglect and debris from garbage to general overgrowth. The motivation for abandoning his properties varies from property to property.

Empty lot historian Alex Chipley will once again lead fans on a trolley tour of the vacant lots and conduct a trivia contest too. Winners will not receive any prizes just the knowledge that they won.

During the 31-minute tour fans will learn about Forestville’s rich history of vacant lots, and what the future holds for vacant lots.

There is no charge to go on the trolley but it costs 12 bucks to get off the trolley.

This event is sponsored by the Forestville Historical Society and Intimate Encounters, a popular Forestville escort service owned by Mr. Knepper.

Vacant Lot Trolley Tour

* Trolley tour leaves every 30 minutes beginning at 6PM
* The last trolley leaves at 6PM
* Adults: NO charge to get on 12 bucks to get off
* Children (5 – 12): $8.00 to get on $0 to get off
* Children younger than 5 ride free but they are not allowed to speak or talk

Cancer Patient’s Life Ends on Shameful Note

April 23, 2018

Longtime Forestville resident Betty Mitchell succumbed to cancer at age 61. For those who knew her, she will be remembered not as a hero who courageously battled cancer, but a complete coward. Even her doctor was disgusted.

Boardman interviewed a friend of hers on condition of anonymity to not tarnish this blog’s reputation.

“I’m ashamed to have known her,” the friend admitted. “I mean, didn’t she realize how her cravenness would reflect on her friends and family?”

One relative started a cancer research fundraiser in her name on the website GoFundMe. However, GoFundMe quickly shut it down fearing that her story would discredit all patient charities. Her family members were also banned from participating in Bristol’s “Stop Cancer” fun run as well as all Susan G. Komen “Race for the Cure” events.

Mrs. Mitchell’s funeral was eventually held at West Cemetery on Sunday after St. Joseph Cemetery kicked her out. The ceremony was interrupted briefly by a counterprotest from cancer survivors.

Her body was laid to rest behind a large bush in an unmarked part of the cemetery. All those in attendance wore black veils to conceal their identities, including the priest.

The eulogy was short, ending with the words: “Let’s get this over with. The game’s on.”

Trump to Paintings: Go Hang Yourself!

April 21, 2018

Trump signed legislation Tuesday barring the use of taxpayer funds for portraits of federal employees, including that of the president.

Historian Michael Beschloss said in a panic, “If there’s no oil painting of the president, how will we know what he looked like years from now?”

A visitor to the Federal Trade Commission added, “I enjoy seeing images of past and present Deputy Directors of the Bureau of Competition, like Marian Bruno and that other guy and that one over there…”

Art critics decried the move. They pointed to the value of government-commissioned tributes like Gerhard Richter’s “John Kerry Sitting in a Chair,” Jenny Saville’s “Lois Lerner Sitting in a Chair” and Odd Nerdrum’s “Woman Sitting in a Chair While Donald Rumsfeld Fires an M420 at Al Qaeda.”

Argued one critic, “Artists like George W. Bush’s neighbor’s pre-K daughter Milly eloquently capture many important officials for posterity. Who can forget her crayon-and-magic-marker portrait of James P. Walsh, Acting Under Secretary of Commerce for Oceans and Atmosphere and Administrator of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration under President Clinton, sitting in a chair?”

Since 2010, the government has spent almost half a million dollars on paintings – five-thousand more than the budget for the National Gallery of Tiny Hats and double the amount spent on the Senate’s manatee tank. However, the ban does not apply to statues. Funds earmarked by the prior administration will allow sculptor Barbara Gross to complete a Bill Clinton nude.

Said the sculptor as she toweled her saliva off the statue, “I want to share with the world what this great man already shared with many women.”

City Council Minutes Now Available in Paperback

April 13, 2018

The March minutes to the Bristol City Council meeting from March 13, 2018, are now available in paperback.

The March 2018 council meeting comes to life as the curious reader will enjoy a transcript of the Committee Reports, Resignations, Consent Calendar, Unfinished Business and Appointments.

The book also goes beyond the issues and explores the requirements of a public meeting, agenda preparation and approval, how to type the minutes, how to read the minutes, how to have a fun little quorum, the joys of FOI requests and so much more.

A compendium of all things city council is included in the back of the book in the area where people usually do not read nor venture.

It is not the Camelot of the Arthurian world or the Algonquin Roundtable, but a suzerainty that insufflates an iconic building with the mundane and mysterious.

This edition comes with a fifty-page preface by Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu complete with references and a story about an extra credit project she did in college.

The book is also available as an audio book narrated by the mayor with music by the kazoo section of the Bristol Philharmonic.

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Product details
• Series: Bristol City Council Classics
• Paperback: 512 pages
• Publisher: 111 North Main; 1 edition (March 13, 2018)
• Language: Supposedly English
• Product Dimensions: 5 x 0.9 x 7.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)– does not ship outside Bristol/Forestville
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars 941 customer reviews
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,354,322.5 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
• #3,000560 in Books > Law > Regional > Bristol
• #100,000 in Books > Textbooks > Epic
• #3 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Poetry > Regional & Cultural > Ellen Zoppo-Sassu

Customer Reviews

This is my favorite book of all time!
E. Zoppo-Sassu

I’ve long been a fan of the Bristol City Council Classics series, so when I heard a new edition was coming out, I was so excited I had to tell my pet fish Sophie all about it. While I enjoyed the controversial “2018 February Minutes of the Bristol City Council,” this one is by far the best the City Council has put out IMHO. I’m excited that it is finally in paperback!
E. Gurney

I’ve read many books like this including the picture book, “2018 February Minutes of the Southington City Council,” and the “Selected Federal Taxation Statutes and Regulations: 2018 with Motro Tax Map (Selected Statutes).” This was fairly entertaining once you get past the two days it takes to read the preface. However, if you want a quicker read, try the “2018 Hartford Balanced Budget Plan.”
W. Betts

I give this book a low rating because I thought I had purchased a different book.
H. Weinstein

From the seller
We are sorry for the mixup. Your copy of the 2018 March Minutes of the Bristol City Council of Hot Babes is on its way.

Note to Our Readers

April 12, 2018

Our regular news updates on the hour, every hour will be interrupted today as we fight an attempt by ransomware to take over the computers at Boardman as somebody set up us the bomb.

Thank you for your patience as we take off every zig.

You have no chance to survive make your time.

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