Municipal Leaders to Read Local Ordinances to the Public

August 1, 2017

The public is invited to City Hall this Friday to hear Bristol’s politicians read excerpts from the City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinances.

Representatives of both parties will read not only portions of the ordinances, but the appendixes too.

Ordinances are a group of laws used to govern a municipality. Bristol’s ordinances range from voting machines to street improvements to sewers and more.

Copies of the ordinances will be available for purchase following the event, which is scheduled for 7 p.m. in the Council Chambers.

After the reading municipal leaders, including staff from the Corporation Counsel’s office, will be available for questions, autographs and denunciations. Hors d’oeuvres and an ill tasting punch will be served following the event.

A breakdown of the readings is as follows:

Sec 2. – Construction of the charter*:
Dave Preleski

Sec. 5. – City council districts, voting districts and precincts:
Calvin Brown

Sec. 51. – Referendum:
Andrew Howe

Sec. 55. – Ethics board and conflict of interests (Sections a and b):
Mayor Cockayne

Sec. 56. – Reserved for future use:
Mary Fortier

Appendix C Zoning:
Anthony D’Amato

* Includes Legislative history — Sp. No. 352, § 2, 1911; Sp. No. 102, 1921; Sp. No. 434, § 2, 1931; Sp. No. 489, § 2, 1939.

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Bristol Democrats Formally Endorse Candidates Then Attend After Party

July 29, 2017

On a rare cool summer evening last Monday, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee gathered at 111 N. Main Street, and nominated their candidates for city offices this year.

Following the nominations and acceptance speeches at City Hall, members of the DTC headed to a well-attended after-party at Sporty’s Cafe for food and conversation. Unfortunately it wasn’t exactly a night at The Algonquin Round Table, but it would do for a Monday night.

Calvin Brown was spotted nursing a beverage while chatting up Rippy Patton about how Prilosec OTC is the #1 Doctor Recommended frequent heartburn brand for 10 straight years!

Meanwhile, there was Dave Preleski and Mary Fortier discussing how exciting it is that as lawyers in Connecticut they get to pay the Occupational Tax (an annual tax imposed on attorneys in Connecticut).

Former state legislator Chris Wright was in the house too and he conferred with political newcomers Josh Medeiros, Greg Hahn and Brittney Barney about the importance of comfortable and breathable cotton shirts on the campaign trail.

Mayoral nominee Ellen Zoppo-Sassu mixed and mingled her way through the “fete” trying to find someone to debate her as she consumed a Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee.

The event was catered by chef Wolfgang Puck and included “Democrat friendly food” such as croissants, granola, arugula, kale, guacamole, veggie burgers, spicy tuna tartare and yogurt chicken.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

Related Headlines

* Ellen Zoppo-Sassu Has the Internet Freaking Out About Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee!

* Why Aren’t Synthetic Fabrics all the Rage on the Campaign Trail?

* Bristol Democrats Will Have a Fundraiser at Muzzy Field Tonight, Will Moroccan-Spiced Wagyu Short Rib and Chopped Salad be on the Menu?


Previewing the Candidates of District 3 / Battle of the Resumes

July 25, 2017

This year’s races for City Council will hinge on the candidates outlook for Bristol’s future.

Boardman, throughout the election season, will breakdown the city council races. Today District 3 is previewed, which includes Federal Hill and Forestville.

Cheryl Thibeault (R)

Mrs. Thibeault has an exceptional resume. When she enters a room her resume has already been there for ten minutes.

Currently she serves on the following boards and committees:

• Board of Finance (chair)
• Retirement Board
• 10-Year Capital Improvement Board
• Fire Building #4 Building Committee (co-chair)
• BOF liaison to the Police Board
• Youth leader in her church

But wait there is more.

• Mayor’s Task Force on Energy Conservation
• Greene-Hills School Building Committee
• Mayor’s TEAM committee
• Memorial Boulevard Task Force
• PTA president
• Girl Scout leader
• Forestville Village Association member
• Chamber of Commerce Board Director
• Wheeler YMCA Board
• Rescued a kitty from a tree
• Orchestrated the 2014 Ceasefire in Fallujah
• Her last name is two syllables
• Just copyrighted the word resume©
• In her spare time she is a super-hero

Mary Fortier (D)

Councilwoman Mary Fortier is seeking her third consecutive term. According to City Council Magazine she is Forestville’s favorite city councilor.

Mrs. Fortier is a mother of six and lives in the Federal Hill area in a house on a street. Her resume© includes the following:

• Lawyer with the State of Connecticut, Waterbury Court House
• Eighth woman to serve on the Bristol City Council
• Served on the Bristol Development Authority
• Served on the Bristol Community Organization
• Served on the Disability Commission
• Served on the Pine Lake Committee
• Served on the Real Estate Committee
• Served on the Salary Committee
• Was one of 100 women leaders in Connecticut that petitioned Governor Malloy to support paid family sick leave in 2016
• Regularly attends Bristol Blues games but has yet to thrown out a first pitch. Baseball Prospectus says she throws from a three-quarters arm slot; hides the ball well and hits her spots
• Wears glasses
• Signs her name in cursive
• Her last name is three syllables

Dave Mills (R)

Mr. Mills previously served two terms on the City Council before returning in 2015. His name appears in the newspaper a lot and now this website. Here are some highlights from his career:

• Retired School Teacher and high school football coach
• 2015 received the Spirit of Bristol Award from the CT Chambers of Commerce
• 2003 Bristol Sports Hall of Fame Inductee
• Head football coach at Bristol Eastern for 26 years
• Twice named “Coach of the Year” by the CIAC
• 1988 State Champion
• Revolutionized football using multiple formation offences and bringing back the shotgun, invented the 4-3 defense (Flex Defense), 20 straight winning seasons, and wore his trademark fedora on the sidelines. Wait that was Tom Landry former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Never mind.

Brittany Barney (D)

A newcomer to Bristol politics so not much is known about candidate Barney. However, a Google search of the name “Brittany Barney” reveals the following information:

• She is a Business Coordinator at Grey Mountain in Boulder, Colorado
• According to IMDb Brittany Barney is an actress best known for her role in the movie Santiago (2011)
• The 5’4 Junior Guard was the Benson High School Girls Basketball Player of the Game on February 2, 2017, Vs. Pima
• In 2009 playing for Clinton Community College against Finger Lakes “Brittany Barney” had 10 rebounds, seven assists and two steals
• Her favorite word is “soooo.”
• Her grandmother died in 1856, 1907, 1959, 1992, 1997, 2012 and 2014

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

END


Will They Debate, or Will They Not Debate: That is the Question

July 18, 2017

Five months before the election for mayor, Bristol/Forestville residents are curious if the two candidates, Mayor Ken Cockayne and challenger Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, will have any debates.

Setting up a debate is no easy task. Guidelines and rules need to be established and agreed upon by the candidates. Squabbling over locations, dates and topics is inevitable and common.

The mayor would prefer there not be any debates telling Boardman while he had this reporter in a headlock, “One is too many while zero is just enough but don’t write that you little jerk!”

Representatives for the mayor have said unofficially that the mayor will debate Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu only under the following conditions:

• She does not make an opening or closing statement
• She does not answer any questions asked of her
• Should Ellen speak her microphone is to be inoperable
• Everything in the debate venue is to be the mayor’s campaign color of orange
• Democrats are prohibited from the debate venue
• Under no circumstances is Ellen to do one of her patented and lethal eye rolls
• If the mayor does not know the answer to a question he can phone a friend, spin again or buy a vowel, whatever is necessary

Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Party, told Boardman, “Mayor Cockayne will be thrilled to debate the democratic candidate provided she adheres to all of our conditions and she has none of her own.”

In response the Zoppo-Sassu campaign had only two demands 1) the mayor agrees to a debate and 2) he shows up.

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu elaborated to Boardman while drinking a Starbucks® Iced Espresso Classic, Vanilla Latte, “I went through this no debate thing with [Art] Ward. In 2015 my opponent and I debated once. Won’t someone debate me? What about you [Boardman] will you debate me? I will even let you ask yourself questions to make it easy.”

The election is Tuesday, November 7, 2017. Stay informed with Boardman’s semi accurate election coverage.


Knock 3 Times

July 2, 2017

For politicians, knocking on a stranger’s door is no easy task because you do not know what is on the other side. However, door knocking is an effective way to communicate with voters one-on-one and generate good will.

Politicians do a great deal of door knocking during their campaigns and each does so quite differently. Councilwoman Mary Fortier in District 3 says she is a quiet knocker. “I lightly tap three times and if they don’t answer I quietly walk away, but leave behind one of my home-made pies.”

Eric Carlson, a candidate in the First District, has a completely different approach than Mrs. Fortier. “I relentlessly pound on the door until someone answers because I know they are in there.”

Over in District 2, Councilwoman and vocalist Jodi Zils Gagne says she does not bother knocking or ringing doorbells because she sings to entice voters to answer the door. “Usually, an inspirational Broadway song like ‘Dream the Impossible Dream’ or ‘You Gotta Have Heart’ but if I am in the zone I will belt out something from West Side Story in a major scale and a minor scale just for kicks.”

Demographics and party affiliation can play a part in the approach, but for the mayor none of that matters. “I barge in, raid the fridge, make long distance calls and tell them about Bristol’s AAA bond rating and leave.”

Door knocking experts say going door to door is time consuming, so how you knock is important. Two knocks is too few while four is too many but three is just right. Consequently, Andrew Howe, a newcomer to the political arena and a candidate in the Second District, is learning the ropes. He admits his door knocking skills are a work in progress, “I have tried all sorts of approaches, but lately I have been using the old shave and a haircut two bits knock. People answer the door and listen to what I say, but then look at me like I am nuts. I don’t get it.”


Forestville to Get New Sawdust Factory

June 6, 2017

Construction is set to begin on a sawdust factory in the historic section of Forestville. It will be the only factory in the United States that exclusively cuts wood for the purposes of sawdust.

The wood will be cut and pulverized into wood particles for no reason whatsoever because once pulverized, the particles will be simply thrown away.

Additionally, the factory will not employ people because woodpeckers and carpenter ants will do all the work, according to a statement issued by the mayor’s office. The mayor hailed the announcement to build the sawdust factory as a triumph for Forestville.

“This sawdust facility will have no economic impact on the region or provide any jobs for workers,” the mayor said at a press conference.

A source close to the mayor elaborated and said there is no incentive for the factory to be built or the wood to be cut. “It’s just a way for the mayor to get his name in the newspaper and attend a ribbon cutting ceremony.”

The Sawdust Factory will occupy the location that was once home to the Air Pollution Factory.


Stocks Finish Higher On News Of Calvin Brown Retirement

May 31, 2017

First District City Councilor Calvin Brown (D), a self-styled champion of the underclass with a reputation for grandstanding, will not seek re-election. He made the announcement last week to a gathering of shiftless party members at the Bristol Historical Society.

Standing next to a watercolor of city namesake and inspiration, Bristol Palin, Councilor Brown dramatically thanked his supporters. Using his hands, air quotes, dramatic pauses and lots of adjectives, collective nouns and past participles, he added that he will “not be a candidate for office” in “2017””.”

“Afterward”, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee announced they will pay tribute to Mr. Brown by raising his voter ID number to the rafters of their headquarters this June. In November they will also allow him to cast the first ballot in the 2017 election.

The Bristol Republican Party congratulated their political foe as well, texting, “Mr. Brown has a long record of service to this town with perhaps the greatest being his decision to not run again.” In tribute, they sent him a brand new soapbox with the inscription, “Should you reconsider and seek office somewhere other than Bristol.”

The Remarkable Life Of Calvin Brown

Exhaustive research by Boardman on the internet revealed just how much Mr. Brown accomplished in his tenure. A six-foot three-inch, 210-pound outside linebacker from Gainesville, Florida, he is male and has no political experience information on file according to respectively, Google and votesmart. Winning reelection as a Chelsea city councilor, he was arrested for a fight with his wife, served in the NSA as a professor at Shasta College and died in 1923, 2009, 2016 and at least twice in 2017. IMDB also lauds him as the first African American stuntman recognized in Hollywood.

Calvin Brown Timeline

2013
Using charm, thoughtfulness and political moxie, he is elected in the First District.

2014
Fought successfully for 53 school lunch employees from losing their jobs to privatization. As a “thank you”, the cafeteria workers give him a complementary gift card for ten percent off any school lunch except pizza.

2015
Files injunction against the Forestville Duck Race because his plastic yellow duck did not win. Later it is discovered his duck sank to the bottom of the Pequabuck and was not recovered. His supporters suspect sabotage.

2016
The Calvin Clause (a revision to the city charter where elected officials must reside in the district where they were elected during their term of office) is named for him. In an emotional speech on the matter, he declares, “Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

2017
Flirts with mayoral run but decides to help Ellen Zoppo-Sassu in her bid to become the first mayor in Bristol’s history to wear black rectangular glasses. Later, Boardman writes an article about him.

2025
Dies in hit-and-run by a self-driving vehicle fleeing a self-driving police car. The vehicle is sentenced to five years in an impound lot and two years community service with Uber. Per the councilor’s will, Mr. Brown is laid to rest in an angry posture next to the future gravesite of Mayor Ken Cockayne.

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