Will They Debate, or Will They Not Debate: That is the Question

July 18, 2017

Five months before the election for mayor, Bristol/Forestville residents are curious if the two candidates, Mayor Ken Cockayne and challenger Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, will have any debates.

Setting up a debate is no easy task. Guidelines and rules need to be established and agreed upon by the candidates. Squabbling over locations, dates and topics is inevitable and common.

The mayor would prefer there not be any debates telling Boardman while he had this reporter in a headlock, “One is too many while zero is just enough but don’t write that you little jerk!”

Representatives for the mayor have said unofficially that the mayor will debate Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu only under the following conditions:

• She does not make an opening or closing statement
• She does not answer any questions asked of her
• Should Ellen speak her microphone is to be inoperable
• Everything in the debate venue is to be the mayor’s campaign color of orange
• Democrats are prohibited from the debate venue
• Under no circumstances is Ellen to do one of her patented and lethal eye rolls
• If the mayor does not know the answer to a question he can phone a friend, spin again or buy a vowel, whatever is necessary

Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Party, told Boardman, “Mayor Cockayne will be thrilled to debate the democratic candidate provided she adheres to all of our conditions and she has none of her own.”

In response the Zoppo-Sassu campaign had only two demands 1) the mayor agrees to a debate and 2) he shows up.

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu elaborated to Boardman while drinking a Starbucks® Iced Espresso Classic, Vanilla Latte, “I went through this no debate thing with [Art] Ward. In 2015 my opponent and I debated once. Won’t someone debate me? What about you [Boardman] will you debate me? I will even let you ask yourself questions to make it easy.”

The election is Tuesday, November 7, 2017. Stay informed with Boardman’s semi accurate election coverage.


Knock 3 Times

July 2, 2017

For politicians, knocking on a stranger’s door is no easy task because you do not know what is on the other side. However, door knocking is an effective way to communicate with voters one-on-one and generate good will.

Politicians do a great deal of door knocking during their campaigns and each does so quite differently. Councilwoman Mary Fortier in District 3 says she is a quiet knocker. “I lightly tap three times and if they don’t answer I quietly walk away, but leave behind one of my home-made pies.”

Eric Carlson, a candidate in the First District, has a completely different approach than Mrs. Fortier. “I relentlessly pound on the door until someone answers because I know they are in there.”

Over in District 2, Councilwoman and vocalist Jodi Zils Gagne says she does not bother knocking or ringing doorbells because she sings to entice voters to answer the door. “Usually, an inspirational Broadway song like ‘Dream the Impossible Dream’ or ‘You Gotta Have Heart’ but if I am in the zone I will belt out something from West Side Story in a major scale and a minor scale just for kicks.”

Demographics and party affiliation can play a part in the approach, but for the mayor none of that matters. “I barge in, raid the fridge, make long distance calls and tell them about Bristol’s AAA bond rating and leave.”

Door knocking experts say going door to door is time consuming, so how you knock is important. Two knocks is too few while four is too many but three is just right. Consequently, Andrew Howe, a newcomer to the political arena and a candidate in the Second District, is learning the ropes. He admits his door knocking skills are a work in progress, “I have tried all sorts of approaches, but lately I have been using the old shave and a haircut two bits knock. People answer the door and listen to what I say, but then look at me like I am nuts. I don’t get it.”


Forestville to Get New Sawdust Factory

June 6, 2017

Construction is set to begin on a sawdust factory in the historic section of Forestville. It will be the only factory in the United States that exclusively cuts wood for the purposes of sawdust.

The wood will be cut and pulverized into wood particles for no reason whatsoever because once pulverized, the particles will be simply thrown away.

Additionally, the factory will not employ people because woodpeckers and carpenter ants will do all the work, according to a statement issued by the mayor’s office. The mayor hailed the announcement to build the sawdust factory as a triumph for Forestville.

“This sawdust facility will have no economic impact on the region or provide any jobs for workers,” the mayor said at a press conference.

A source close to the mayor elaborated and said there is no incentive for the factory to be built or the wood to be cut. “It’s just a way for the mayor to get his name in the newspaper and attend a ribbon cutting ceremony.”

The Sawdust Factory will occupy the location that was once home to the Air Pollution Factory.


Stocks Finish Higher On News Of Calvin Brown Retirement

May 31, 2017

First District City Councilor Calvin Brown (D), a self-styled champion of the underclass with a reputation for grandstanding, will not seek re-election. He made the announcement last week to a gathering of shiftless party members at the Bristol Historical Society.

Standing next to a watercolor of city namesake and inspiration, Bristol Palin, Councilor Brown dramatically thanked his supporters. Using his hands, air quotes, dramatic pauses and lots of adjectives, collective nouns and past participles, he added that he will “not be a candidate for office” in “2017””.”

“Afterward”, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee announced they will pay tribute to Mr. Brown by raising his voter ID number to the rafters of their headquarters this June. In November they will also allow him to cast the first ballot in the 2017 election.

The Bristol Republican Party congratulated their political foe as well, texting, “Mr. Brown has a long record of service to this town with perhaps the greatest being his decision to not run again.” In tribute, they sent him a brand new soapbox with the inscription, “Should you reconsider and seek office somewhere other than Bristol.”

The Remarkable Life Of Calvin Brown

Exhaustive research by Boardman on the internet revealed just how much Mr. Brown accomplished in his tenure. A six-foot three-inch, 210-pound outside linebacker from Gainesville, Florida, he is male and has no political experience information on file according to respectively, Google and votesmart. Winning reelection as a Chelsea city councilor, he was arrested for a fight with his wife, served in the NSA as a professor at Shasta College and died in 1923, 2009, 2016 and at least twice in 2017. IMDB also lauds him as the first African American stuntman recognized in Hollywood.

Calvin Brown Timeline

2013
Using charm, thoughtfulness and political moxie, he is elected in the First District.

2014
Fought successfully for 53 school lunch employees from losing their jobs to privatization. As a “thank you”, the cafeteria workers give him a complementary gift card for ten percent off any school lunch except pizza.

2015
Files injunction against the Forestville Duck Race because his plastic yellow duck did not win. Later it is discovered his duck sank to the bottom of the Pequabuck and was not recovered. His supporters suspect sabotage.

2016
The Calvin Clause (a revision to the city charter where elected officials must reside in the district where they were elected during their term of office) is named for him. In an emotional speech on the matter, he declares, “Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

2017
Flirts with mayoral run but decides to help Ellen Zoppo-Sassu in her bid to become the first mayor in Bristol’s history to wear black rectangular glasses. Later, Boardman writes an article about him.

2025
Dies in hit-and-run by a self-driving vehicle fleeing a self-driving police car. The vehicle is sentenced to five years in an impound lot and two years community service with Uber. Per the councilor’s will, Mr. Brown is laid to rest in an angry posture next to the future gravesite of Mayor Ken Cockayne.

-… . … – / — ..-. / .-.. ..- -.-. -.-


Ellen Vs Ken Round Two!

May 28, 2017

Last week in front of a standing room only crowd at the Bristol Historical Society, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu announced her candidacy for mayor. If nominated and elected, she will be the first mayor in the long history of Bristol to have a hyphenated last name.

One supporter was very encouraged. “We hyphenates have waited a long time for someone who speaks for us. Hopefully, this will lead to the understanding of the hyphenate community and what we’ve been through,” said Mary Astor-Winfield-Jones-Landry-Higgenbocker as she shepherded her twenty-five children through the gathering.

Standing next to a bust of city founder and soul sensation Johnny Bristol, Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu said, “As a graduate of Providence College, and the University of Connecticut, and St.Paul Catholic High School, and… I could go on and on, but let’s face it – this is happening.”

The candidacy sets up a rematch with Ken Cockayne, who defeated her in 2015 by only 128 votes, or 904 in dog years.

Exit polls in 2015 attributed her loss to voters not relating to her being left-handed. The same was found for voters who could not find the exit. Since then, Bristol has seen an influx of left-handed refugees that Democrats hope will boost turnout for her, as long as they do not blow themselves up.

Still the campaign hinted they will tone down her lack of traditional limb dominance. She is expected to be photographed using her right hand and saying right-handed things, like “I love using scissors.”

In January, Mayor Cockayne announced he was seeking a third term. Reading from prepared notes, he said, “I would be proud to represent Bristol for another time, I mean “term”, as your… Page One, mayor, continued. It would be my great honor to work hard for the citizens of this city. Put down notes, look up, exhale. Page Two.”

The mayor presents a formidable challenge, given his popularity, established record and his ability to take criticism with calmness and grace. Some though see his penchant for wearing ties with Windsor knots as alienating the majority of voters who polling suggests, prefer something more elaborate like a Trinity or Eldredge knot. Still, his ties sit well with highly influential heads of Windsor knot lobby groups and his sweaters are simply boffo among the Chippens Hill crowd.


Bristol Democrats Roll out the Red Carpet at Big Event – P.S. It’s Ellen!

May 16, 2017

Last night after much speculation, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu announced she is running for mayor in front of a standing room only crowd at the Bristol Historical Society.

If elected she will be will be the first mayor in the City of Bristol to have a hyphenated last name.

This sets up another showdown between Ellen and the current mayor, Ken Cockayne. Should the mayor prove to be victorious he will be the first mayor in Bristol to win three consecutive elections since the last time a mayor won three consecutive elections.

The democrats pulled out all the stops by actively promoting the event on social media and with searchlights, airplane banners and dropping leaflets on unsuspecting residents.

Deane Kilbourne, Chairman of the Bristol DTC, was the Master of Ceremonies and opened things up with a big production routine. He was surrounded by dancers, torches and fireworks and did a Cirque du Soleil high wire production number amid pyrotechnics. It killed.

The women of the DTC ruled the red carpet with embellished dresses, tulle skirts, cashmere sweaters, sensible shoes and flowing tunics.

First Vice Chairperson for the DTC Kate Matthews showcased her new box clutch. With its clasp fastening and optional chain handle it was all the rage.

City Councilor Mary Fortier worked the rope line; shaking hands with fans and signing autographs while wearing a bold Shetland Blazer.

And mayoral candidate Ellen Zoppo-Sassu mingled with A-listers and supporters alike at the after party (which this reporter was not invited, humph!) while sporting new fashionable shoes.

The fashion critic for the Bristol Press proclaimed the evening, “The social event of the spring season.”

Meanwhile, this sentence was written for no reason.

Boardman


Former Candidate for Mayor Exonerated from FOI charge, JFK Assassination, Tea Pot Dome and Breaking up The Beatles

May 11, 2017

Last year a Freedom of Information complaint filed against former City Councilor and 2015 mayoral hopeful Ellen Zoppo-Sassu was dismissed. The complaint, filed by the former Republican Town Committee leader, alleged she held secret meetings while in charge of a municipal task force.

During the investigation, the Freedom of Information Commission expanded the scope and depth of their probe to the assassination of President Kennedy, “It was only a matter of time before they accused her of that too,” said Claire Gurney, a spokeswoman for the commission on the matter.

The commission said they found no evidence that she was involved in the assassination of the 35th President because her name does not appear anywhere in the 26 volumes of the Warren Report, and most importantly, she was not alive at the time of the assassination.

The city GOP issued a brief statement stating they were unconvinced of her innocence regarding the events in Dallas in 1963. “Just because she wasn’t alive at the time of the assassination does not mean she wasn’t involved. We will keep looking for evidence.”

The matter came to light once again when republican candidate for city council Andrew Howe brought it up during his appearance on the State of the City program Sunday.

In response the Freedom of Information Commission issued a statement late Wednesday, “Let us be clear, the commission dismissed the complaint against Ellen Zoppo-Sassu. Additionally, we found no evidence that she had anything to do with the Tea Pot Dome Scandal, Watergate, Abscam, Iran-Contra, the breakup of the Beatles or the filming of Gigli.”