City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinances Book a Huge Success!

August 4, 2017

We previously reported on the publication of the City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinance. The first printing sold all five copies within a month. After this success, a wider release was ordered by Simon & Schuster. The second edition includes bonus pull-out posters of councilmen in suggestive poses.

The book features illustrations by Nick Park. His characters Wallace and Grommit are depicted negotiating various ordinances, like coming up with the $250 city fee to operate a lemonade stand unless said lemonade originates from a Bristol farm or a veteran. In another example, Grommit fails to produce a rabies certificate for his dog license and is chased by Bristol Animal Control. Hilarity ensues until the final panel, which is quite sad.

Pre-sales have the mostly nonfiction book at #25,012 on Amazon and a New York Times Bestseller. “A municipal retelling of its own narrative,” beamed Times reviewer Harriet Lane. “The Council outdid itself in this year’s crop of ordinances (a more well-considered output than this year’s yawner, ‘Terryville’s Big Book of Ordinances’). The reader is feverishly charmed by the frothy pomo Sec. 5-21.1 and the heady Sec. 3.2. of Appendix D.”

Online customer reviews found the book made for easy summer reading on the beach and an attractive way to smoosh ants. Another called it, “the Harry Potter entry in the wizarding world of bureaucracy.” The book has even spawned fan nonfiction on WordPress.

Councilmen Mary Fortier and Anthony D’Amato will embark on a promotional tour this month, appearing at Barnes & Nobles in Waterbury, West Hartford and Farmington and at Sal’s XXX Book Nook in Southington. They will also give an interview on CT-N, the Connecticut government access network, with Production Technician 1 Sarah Schulz. CNN was on the itinerary until they realized that no one watches that channel.

Title: The Wonderful City of Bristol Presents: The Charter and Code of Ordinances
Authors: Various
Paperback: 550 and a half pages
Language: Mostly English
Year: 2017
Price: $50.00 Paperback; $10.00 Kindle

Bristol Prime members get 20% off the book. Members also get discounts on city services, including same-day delivery of water bills and courtesy hat-tipping by police

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Trump Pressers to be on Pay-Per-View

January 13, 2017

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Last Wednesday’s press conference pitted Donald Trump against CNN reporter Jim Accosta and the reviews say it was a smash hit. Therefore Trump’s office announced a new schedule of press conferences to be held at various venues around the country on pay-per-view.

The schedule will be arranged by Linda McMahon, Trump nominee for Small Business Administration head and past CEO of the professional wrestling organization WWE.

The next press conference scheduled for February 20th is expected to continue the CNN/Trump feud storyline. The plan calls for Accosta to badger Trump and Trump to taunt and mock Accosta and CNN. It is expected to do large pay-per-view buys especially in the international markets like China and Russia.

The undercard features The Undertaker vs. Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper vs. Kathy Griffin. “Kathy’s embarrassed me on my New Year’s Eve show one too many times,” Cooper said. “No more Mr. Nice Gay!”


The Media Wants a Rest

October 21, 2016

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The sheer volume and scope of daily revelations about Hillary Clinton’s and Donald Trump’s indiscretions are overwhelming the media.

Wolf Blitzer, host of The Situation Room on CNN, complained to WikiLeaks. “We need to slow down the flow of news. In this campaign news breaks all the time and by the time we fix it, it breaks again. We cannot keep up because we’re exhausted.”

A weary Brian Williams, an MSNBC anchor, told viewers last night from the surface of the moon where he said he was reporting, “News stories about hacked emails, deleted emails, voter fraud, groping women, leaked tax returns, demagoguery and the Specter of Bill Clinton appear almost hourly. They are taking their toll on us. We can only do so much.”

FOX News chief Bill Shine chimed in as well. “We hired more editors, reporters and producers so we could continue fair and balance coverage of Hillary’s missing emails, Hillary’s Benghazi problem, Hillary’s mishandling of classified material, Hillary’s public and private positions on issues, Hillary’s Wall Street speeches, Hillary’s pay-for-play between her foundation and the State Department, and the shrill of Hillary’s voice. We are tired.”

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.