Connecticut Held Hostage: Day 60 – A New Hope

August 30, 2017

A whole generation of Connecticutans are growing up with no memory of a state with a budget.

“My mother said Connecticut used to have budgets, but kids at school called me a liar and made fun of me,” said five-year-old kindergartner and know-it-all Wendy Struthers.

“Way back in June of ought-seventeen it was, we last had a budget,” reminisced State Representative Joe Williams (I – Bridgeton).  “Back then, people knew the value of a dollar – about fifty cents.”

“But now everyone thinks having no budget is normal.  That deficits are cool.  But try and get a loan with no budget and a huge deficit.  The senate just got a response from MasterCard to their credit card application.  It was two pages filled with the letters ‘LOL!’  When the governor visits the bank, the tellers hide the lollipops and go on lunch break.”

Ratings agencies downgraded the state’s debt.  Tuesday, Moody’s warned they may downgrade it further to the status of “junk”, also known as “Illinois”.

Williams frowned.  “The only people who will lend to the state now are the Maynards down the road.  They own a sheep farm and let us borrow a couple ewes until we can pay for real desks to write on.  They aren’t very steady and they smell, but are they soft!”

“As a Democrat,” said State Senator Chad Johnson (D – Old Haven), “we solve budget problems by raising taxes and cutting the military.  But voters seem upset about the taxes and Connecticut hasn’t had a real military since 1783, so that leaves only one option – I’m taking my state pension and moving to Florida!”

Williams has an innovative solution to the deficit.  “We’ll do what every responsible government does.  We’ll make our own currency and print our way out of it.”

His plan is to revive the old system of colonial currency.  Dollars will be replaced by pounds, shillings and pence and in the case of Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun – beads.

Asked to comment, Speaker of the House Joe Aresimowicz (D – Berlin/Southington) said, “We have a Williams in the House?”

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Desperately Seeking Tax Increases

April 27, 2017

Legislative Democrats at the Connecticut State Capitol are disappointed that the bonding committee will not recommend major tax hikes this year. “What is wrong with these people?” asked Senate President Pro Tempore Martin M. Looney as he began to tear up. “It’s our bread and butter.”

State Senator Beth Bye was equally stymied and dramatically asked, “What is the point of a legislative session if we are not going to have tax increases? Isn’t that why we are here?”

Consequently, Democrats in the House and the Senate, desperate to sign tax legislation that would raise taxes, frantically called legislators in other states and pleaded to allow Connecticut lawmakers the opportunity to sign legislation in their jurisdiction, which would raise taxes on individuals, corporations and or dead people.