Why New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart Always Smiles is Finally Revealed!

February 2, 2018

Erin Stewart became mayor of New Britain at the age of 26 in 2013, and was reelected in 2015 and 2017 as well.

Prior to becoming mayor, Erin was a campaign staffer for former Congresswoman Nancy Jonson, and was a legislative aide in the Connecticut General Assembly.

These are some of the reasons she is always smiling, but others say it is because of her new BankAmericard® Credit Card!

The BankAmericard® Credit Card is the top-ranked balance transfer card, and a great choice for anyone looking to save on balance transfer fees and interest charges, especially if you live in New Britain or Forestville, which is so awesome!

But that is not the only reason for Erin’s ear to ear smile.

The 30 year old New Britain mayor is a fiscally conservative Republican who is also pro choice and supports responsible gun ownership, and the civil rights of everybody, which brings a smile to her face day in and day out. However, another reason Erin Stewart is always smiling is because the GOVERNMENT WILL PAY YOUR MORTAGE IF YOU BORN BEFORE 1984!

That’s right people the Federal Government, yes THE federal government, has introduced a brilliant homeowner program called Home Affordable Refinance Plan (HARP), which benefits millions of Americans; if you believe everything you read on the internet is true! By enrolling in this program homeowners can reduce their monthly mortgage payments by a ton.

You may find it hard to believe, but this is not the only reason Erin is constantly smiling. No, no.

During her tenure as mayor, Erin Stewart cut the city of New Britain’s deficit with spending cuts and eliminating jobs and the results were four bond-rating upgrades from Standard & Poor’s.

And while that brought a smile to her face, Erin Stewart was REALLY smiling when she learned Michigan Treasure Hunters unearthed dirt in their quest to find a 220 year old treasure!

Erin is tickled with delight that Rick and Marty Lagina are from Kingsford, Michigan, and that every summer they spend millions of dollars in Novia Scotia to find undiscovered dirt buried deep below the surface of the earth.

So, at long last Erin Stewart’s secret is revealed, which is another reason she is always smiling because…

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Alt Right Movement Believes New Britain is Meddling with Bristol’s Election

November 5, 2017

Alt Right Bristol conspiracy theorist and InfoWars founder and radio talk show host Alex Jones believes the City of New Britain is interfering with Bristol’s 2017 municipal election.

During his broadcast Friday, Jones told his audience, “Why is New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart always smiling? No politician can be that happy all the time. That tells you something is up!”

Bristol and New Britain are natural rivals based on proximity, sports and competing business interests. Therefore, Mr. Jones speculates it is in New Britain’s interest to interfere with this highly contentious election.

“Clearly, there is a conspiracy afoot,” Mr. Jones said, citing anonymous and high-ranking law enforcement sources whom he declined to name. “Ellen Zoppo is smiling all the time too. Why? She and Stewart have no reason to smile,” Jones added. “Why would two women, from rival towns and opposite political parties, be smiling? Why?”

Why is Mayor Erin Stewart always smiling?

At the debate last month between the mayor and Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu, the mayor appeared to be brooding the entire night. Mr. Jones explained to his national audience that the mayor was brooding for two reasons, “One, he knows the City of New Britain is tampering with Bristol’s election and B, the federal government was using mind control on him.”

Mr. Jones is also suspicious of the Write-in candidacy of Rick Kriscenski. “The Write-in candidate shows up a week before Election Day? No doubt Stewart and to a lesser extent Zoppo put him up to it to confuse voters. The only thing missing is his Che Guevara t-shirt and black beret.”

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about this story.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.