Local Women Told to Up Her Shoe Game

February 7, 2019

Last October, thirty something year-old Lynn Anne Chambers broke up with her boyfriend Mark. Since then she’s had difficulty attracting male suiters.

Best friend Muffy Bancroft said part of the problem is her shoes, “They are horrible!” she told Chambers at dinner Friday night. “You can’t be seen with the girls in the Forestville nightlife wearing flats.”

In recent weeks she has been spotted wearing Ugg boots, clogs, and clodhoppers. “She does not have to always wear Come F Me Shoes, but Jesus get in the ballgame,” Ms. Bancroft told Boardman.

Forestville’s high society is aghast at her shoe selection as well, and now they only refer to her as “That Chambers woman.”

Friends say, in response to the uproar, they plan an intervention.

Ms. Bancroft implored her friend to up her shoe game. “Lynn is not a trailer park moo-moo, but good quality CFMPs would really improve her romantic situation.”

This is not Ms. Chambers first run in with her confidants over her fashion choices.

In January of 2017, her associates were outraged because she wore inferior nylons to dinner at Nuchie’s. “It was a cringeworthy moment,” relayed one friend named Amanda Rice, who wished not to be identified. “Haynes stockings? I had a stiff drink to steady my nerves that night.”

And this last summer Lynn went afoul when she attended a clam bake in a Lilly Pulitzer Beach Dress, but without a matching clutch. “I threw up in my mouth when I saw that,” recalled Tameka Lopes, who is in therapy due to the incident. “You can’t unsee something so potent,” she glumly stated.

Muffy Bancroft hopes this is the apex of her friend’s fashion problems. “I am not sure how much more we can endure as her friends, but also more importantly as a community.”

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about the matter.


Local Woman Has a Run in Her Stockings, Friends Aghast

January 5, 2017


When Lynn Anne Chambers arrived late for dinner at 150 Central in Forestville Friday night, her friends were stunned to discover that she had a run in her stockings.

Best friend Muffy Bancroft struggled to come to terms with the fashion faux pas. “She pairs a nice classic navy blouse and skirt with a jacket tailored from two-tone crosshatch suiting fabric, but adds torn white Haynes stockings? Who even wears Haynes stockings?” asked Muffy. “It is so two decades ago. She needs to get some Donna Karan and now!”

The evening grew more uncomfortable when it became apparent that thirty-something Lynn did not keep an extra pair of stockings in her purse and seemed oblivious to the stir she caused. “It’s not like she is some plebe,” observed one of her dinner companions. “She should know better. Remove, discard and replace or leave. That’s how it’s done.”

One lady at an adjoining table griped, “You can’t prance about the Ville with inferior and damaged stockings, my dear. You may as well just break out the tube top and solicit truckers on Route 10 in Southington.”

This is not the first time Lynn shocked friends at a dinner. Last month she wore noisy charm bracelets. “Are you supposed to be a fortune teller or a Kardashian?” her friend Shelia asked cuttingly.

And another time, while trying to be trendy, she showed up in a plaid shirt with yoga pants and a woolen flower bucket hat to an after-work event. “I now only refer to her as ‘that woman,'” said Sheila. “I can’t bear to be with her, except when she buys us girls dinner at Nuchi’s.”

Some in attendance refused to comment over Lynn’s latest flop or have their identities revealed. Even Lynn’s own Amazon Echo device decided to stop responding to her commands. However, a Twitter hashtag has been set up for anyone wishing to further publicly humiliate her.