June 1, 2017
Forestville Police arrested Morgan Fogarty, on charges related to abusing the English language on social media. Ms. Fogarty, 40, a resident of Forestville, was arrested late yesterday afternoon.
She was charged with 18 counts of run on sentences and 13 counts of improper word usage. Fogarty was apprehended shortly after posting a long and tedious message on Facebook that one friend described as, “going on forever.”
Officers recognized Fogarty from her rudimentary mistakes, which included the wrong usage of excepted for accepted, there for their, and connecting clause after clause after clause with no punctuation.
Fogarty called her recent elongated posts, “merely a stream of consciousness” but police are not convinced. A spokesperson for the department said she has a history of mishandling the language with dangling modifiers, possessive nouns and abusing contractions. “I cant [sic] help it,” Fogarty wrote in her sworn statement following her arrest.
August 2, 2016
Adverb enthusiasts will be positively delighted to know that the National Adverb Expo is coming to Forestville the last week of September. Forestville has been chosen to host the National Adverb Expo over Plainville and Southington.
The expo features America’s leading authority on adverbs, Charles Phillip Quickly. He will deliver the keynote lecture entitled, “Living in Hell: A World Without Adverbs.” Mr. Quickly will also discuss the state of the adverb industry and showcase new adverbs he’s been working on, such as “whilethoughstill”, meaning “nevertheless although at the same time” and “cameloexplosively”, a word he hasn’t made up a definition for yet.
Local grammarian Anna McCauley-Ridgeway will chair a panel on “How Adverbs Helped Rescuers During the Catastrophic Flood of ’55”. “One adverb in particular can be singled out as especially heroic,” she says. “When rescuers heard the flood was ‘really’ bad, they knew to come right away.”
Ms. McCauley-Ridgway points out how adverbs were used in many historic documents and speeches, such as the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address and Kim Kardashian’s 2016 interview for GQ Magazine — the part where she talks about her love for George W. Bush.
As a guardian of language, Ms. McCauley-Ridgeway worries that grammar is under attack and one day adverbs may no longer exist. So, she encourages attendees to bring their treasured correspondence so that adverbs in their letters and e-mails can be identified and preserved for future generations.
The expo is currently slated to be held at the amazingly big banquet hall strategically, luckily and gratuitously located downtown by the lovely sign for Nuchie’s, near the place with really, really, really good pizza.