Mueller To Host Wild Special Counsel Parties As Part Of Trump Investigation

June 17, 2017

Just a month into Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, his team has had to change focus. Allegations of a Russia-Trump connection appear to have reached a dead end. As well, claims that Trump obstructed justice with Mueller’s best friend and synchronized swimming partner James Comey appear to be going nowhere after the ex-FBI director’s testimony before Congress. For this, Comey wrote Mueller a nice apology letter using a big pen with a sparkly flower on the end.

However, anonymous sources who love reading the fiction section of the Washington Post say that Mueller has shifted the focus of his expensive probe to other matters in order to afford his new mansion on Long Island.

News that Trump advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner left change in his suit when he sent it to the dry cleaners and didn’t report the incident prompted Mueller to look into if Kushner has laundered any other money. Critics of the special counsel dismissed this as a process crime.

According to the Post, other anonymous sources with knowledge of the ending to “Soylent Green” say that Mueller is also expanding his probe to Barron, Trump’s 11-year-old son. His team is investigating charges that Barron perjured himself to a group of schoolkids when he claimed Mary Peters was his girlfriend and that he could blow a bubble bigger than his neighbor old man Woolsely’s butt.

In response, Barron has hired the school bully Kevin to represent him.

In a statement to the press, Kevin said, “We are going to like, beat all those old dudes. We will also beat them in court.” He then threw a few rocks to chase off a lawyer with Mueller’s probe who stopped by to watch. Kevin cackled wildly before sharing the incident on Snapchat.

According to anonymous sources who bought Post staffers beer last night, Mueller responded to Kevin’s challenge. “I’ll get those kids,” he said. “The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.”

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