Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.


City Planning Gala to Celebrate MBS Still Being Closed

April 26, 2017

Later this year the City of Bristol will host a black-tie gala ball at Nuchie’s to celebrate 5 years of the Memorial Boulevard School being closed.

The mayor, along with city councilors, civic leaders and important people that no one has ever heard of, will celebrate the closing of the school, and the continued commitment to keep the landmark building, built in 1923, closed.

The MBS Gala will include cocktails, dinner, live music by the band Closed Casket and an auction of MBS memorabilia led by Christie’s Auction House of New York.  Noted memorabilia collector Bill Chatterton has donated MBS grout from his collection to the auction.  A silent auction will also be held and feature an autographed copy of the MBS Task Force Final Report signed by all the committee members. 

Former news reporter Tom Monahan will be the Master of Ceremonies. 

There will even be local tributes and renderings by the Art Squad. Among them is a beautifully painted traffic box of the historic and iconic building entitled Empty. Critics say the traffic box is truly an awe inspiring work of art and verification that there is a God.

The classically designed building closed in 2012.  The task force charged with developing a plan for the school put in 15 months of hard work, and recommended using the building as a community cultural and arts center. It was believed the undertaking would be part of a strategy to increase economic development and cultural growth.  Instead the Memorial Boulevard School remains dark, barren and empty and is now the latest attraction in an ever growing collection of empty buildings and vacant lots. 





Memorial Boulevard School to be Converted Into a Dunkin Donuts

December 12, 2016


After years of discussion and debate by the community and city leaders, The Memorial Boulevard School Committee in a stunning decision is recommending to city officials that the former school and iconic building be converted into a Dunkin Donuts.

The building, which is 90,000 square feet, is currently vacant, but the proposed Super-Duper Dunkin Donuts, as it will be known, will take up the entire building and include a store gift shop, museum and the world’s largest drive thru, which will be the running track that goes around the property. It is expected to attract coffee drinkers to the Mum City on a daily basis in record amounts.

The donut company and coffeehouse has proven to be very popular in Bristol and Forestville with a least 10 establishments and more to come.

However, despite Dunkin Donuts local popularity, several City Council members expressed their concerns. “A Dunkin Donuts Gift Shop and Museum but no Dunkin Donuts Paint Bar, Yoga Studio or high-end senior housing?” asked council member Anthony D’Amato. “That’s ridiculous.”

Councilor Calvin Brown had issues as well, “Is this so called Super-Duper Dunkin Donuts going to expand the menu and offer Chicken Marsala, Bolognese sauce or Anguilles à la crème at affordable prices? Or are we stuck with donuts, mocha latté’s and sandwiches? I’ve got a lot of constituents to answer to.”

The Finance Department echoed Mr. Brown’s concerns regarding the menu selection and the pricing, and as a result issued the following statement. “It is this department’s belief that before anything is done Dunkin Donuts must publish their menu so it can be put out to referendum allowing the voters to decide what they want to eat and at what prices.”

No time table was established for converting the public building into a coffee and donut mecca.

City Hall Relocation Sticker Shock

December 11, 2016


City officials recently heard proposals by the Public Works Department to either move City Hall offices to Memorial Boulevard School or renovate the existing building. The price tag is between $20 – 24 million; less if they share space with homeschooler Mrs. Thurman’s first-grade class.

Critics of the proposal were shocked by its cost and the prospect of having to use safety scissors and student chair desks for official business.

Forestville consulting firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté presented an alternative to City Councilors, the Board of Finance, the Memorial Boulevard School Committee, and Jerry the Security Guard.

The idea is to convert City Hall to a Tiny House on wheels. A Tiny House is between 100 and 400 square feet and it is mobile. “Why pay millions to renovate or move when we can have a Mobile City Hall for under $25,000?” the report asked.

The new City Hall?

The new City Hall?

The proposal is gaining traction especially among Councilors and Jerry the Security Guard. Proponents say that by using a tiny home for City Hall they can eliminate clutter, downsize staff, force collaboration, eliminate security concerns and City Hall can come to the taxpayers not the taxpayers to City Hall.