Preview of the 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 5, 2018

Sunday, 5,000 plastic ducks will be haphazardly dumped into the Pequabuck River with a race to the finish line. The ducks are numbered with winning ticket holders taking home prizes.

The Skinny and let’s get down to the nut cracking

Event: 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race.

Distance of the race: Unknown because no one has bothered to measure.

Where: Pequabuck River, a 19-mile river with lots of water that winds its way through Forestville.

Who’s Hot/ Who’s Not

HOT
Duck Number 12: The plastic duck had a strong showing in qualifying, finishing second at the Coppermine Brook Time Trials.

NOT
Duck Number 3162: The best thing that could happen to this duck is for it to be scuttled or lost during the race. Many believe the duck is jinxed having never finishing better than four thousandth.

Other stuff

Race day starts at 10 a.m. with the ceremonial blessing of the ducks.

The race is hosted by Bristol Chamber of Commerce and is sponsored by Hoover Vacuums, vacuums that really suck.

The proceeds raised benefit something and are used to clean stuff around the village.

Little Known Race Facts:

• To increase interest this year the race will be a relay.

• Ticket holders of the winning ducks will receive the usual bevy of prizes, but other prizes include coupons to Intimate Encounters a Forestville escort service; a Fast Pass to the Emergency Room of Bristol Hospital and a Get out of Jail Free Card courtesy of the Bristol PD.

• According to race promoters more than 70% of the fans that attend go to see if someone will fall or will be pushed into the river.

• The 2010 Pequabuck River Duck Race was called off shortly after it started due to a misunderstanding with confused duck hunters. Authorities say the Bristol Duck Hunting Club mistakenly opened fire on the plastic ducks thinking they were real. The hunters have not been charged and the matter is still being investigated eight years later.

• Race mascot Waddles the Duck will not be in attendance this year because he was slaughtered and turned into foie gras.

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Popular Children’s Show Star Slappy the Seal Found Dead!

January 3, 2018

Slappy the Seal

Slappy the Seal – star of Nutmeg Television’s program, “Slap Happy Slappy” died late Monday, off the shores of Norway.

Preliminary autopsy results indicate the cause of death as “harpooning.” Officials would not comment on rumors that Slappy was being turned into a hat, tastefully trimmed in chinchilla following his untimely death.

Slappy was last seen Friday afternoon dining with his agent, Michelle Bohan, at a sushi bar in Plainville. Ms. Bohan was unable to explain how her client ended up halfway around the world.

Slap Happy Slappy was the highest rated children’s program on Nutmeg TV, and featured Slappy performing various tricks for a studio audience of children – in between Japanese Anime cartoons.

Celebrity condolences came in almost immediately.

“We were going to honor him the keys to the city but as everyone knows now they went missing. I’m not naming names Greg, Peter, or Josh. Anyway, Slappy will be missed.”
Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, Mayor Bristol, CT

“He was a great deal of fun at the Pequabuck River Duck Race. What was that trick he did with the ball and his nose? Oh shoot I can’t remember. Anyway, he will be missed.”
Waddles, The Pequabuck River Duck Race Mascot

“Slappy was going to roll out the first pitch at a Bristol Blues game this season. I guess he can’t now – maybe Waddles will do it instead. Anyway, Slappy will be missed.”
Elliot Scheiner, owner Bristol Blues Baseball Club

News of the show’s fate came swiftly as well.

Nutmeg TV announced the immediate termination of the program – calling for the entire studio to be gutted and steam cleaned. In a press release they justified the show’s cancelation, “The whole place smells like low tide, and we may never be able to remove the foul stench.”

Boardman


Changes for the 2017 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 6, 2017

Tomorrow the annual Pequabuck River Duck Race will be held in Forestville. 5,000 rubber ducks will be poured into the river and float downstream with the ticket holders winning prizes.

This year, to add to the excitement, some ducks will explode on contact with other ducks. Fishermen will wait downstream to get the dead fish that surface from the detonations.

Gambling on the ducks will also be legal with an odds maker and bookie from the Pequot tribe officiating.

And to complicate matters more, it will be a relay race. After reaching Nuchie’s the plastic ducks will have to go back up stream. The first to reach Andrews Street will be the winner. Race officials admit that it is going to be a really long day.

While many residents admit they enjoy the festivities and charitable causes many only attend to see the ducks crash or sink.

The Most Spectacular, Death-Defying Crashes in Pequabuck River Duck Race History

Since its humble beginnings there have been many race tragedies. People falling into the river, ducks spontaneously combusting into flames and horrific wrecks. Here are some of the most memorable Pequabuck River Duck Race crashes and moments:

2005
Duck 314 crashes along the river bank and does not complete the race. He was later removed by volunteers and recycled into a boot.

2006
Ducks 619, 714, 1812 and 3976 sink to the bottom of the Pequabuck. To this day they are presumed missing as their whereabouts remains unknown.

2010
Duck W50 was initially declared the winner. However, it was soon discovered that the plastic duck was introduced into the race at the last minute along Broad Street.

2013
In pre-race festivities, Duck 500 was given a river burial for honorable service. His body was laid on its side under the flag of Forestville and rolled over the edge of a plank into the water, along with a rock weight tied to its neck. In the moving ceremony, a lone bugler played, “Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends” as veteran sponsors saluted.

2014
Snipers fire salt rock at the ducks in attempt to influence race results. The snipers linked to the Icelandic State, yelled, “Odin is great!” and tried to make their getaway on a waiting Viking Longship.

The festivities start at 11AM with the race at 2PM.