February 5, 2018
It is no secret that New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is a friend of Donald J. Trump so following last night’s dramatic Super Bowl game, which nearly saw the Patriots come from behind and win again, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced he is investigating to see if Russia meddled with the Super Bowl.
The Patriots, for the second consecutive Super Bowl were losing at halftime, battled back to take the lead late. Consequently, rumors were rampant that Russian Diplomat Sergei Kislyak, a key figure in Mueller’s Russian investigation, was in the stadium colluding with New England and NFL officials to develop a certain outcome.
Christopher Steele, a former British intelligence officer and author of The Trump-Russia dossier, warned of this scenario due to Kraft’s cozy relationship with Trump. The intelligence community believes the Patriots as an organization were compromised several years ago because they not only drafted players with Eastern European names like Gronkowski (Polish) and Gostkowski (Polish), but they hired a head coach named Belichick (Croatian).
Intelligence officials are of the mind that the Russian government successfully made inroads into the Patriots, and the league offices too. In fact, Russian experts at the Wilson Center think backup quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was traded midseason for virtually nothing because he is of Greek decent, and refused to learn Russian as a second language.
The revelations about the New England Patriots and Russia is just the latest blemish in their long and sorted history of controversy, secrecy and manipulation, which is the calling card of the Russian intelligence apparatus.
July 21, 2017
Anonymous leaks to an anonymous paper reveal that Special Counsel Robert Mueller has expanded his probe into something, which other leakers say involve President Trump’s campaign doing something with Russia, Trump obstructing justice somehow, or the Chicago Cubs’ comeback in the World Series.
The probe now focuses on all transactions the president ever had with anyone whose name ends in “-sky” or “-ov.” One person of interest is Dmitri Garov, owner of a seedy bird food business.
Garov allegedly bought what is characterized as “an unusual quantity” of lemonade from the lemonade stand Trump ran when he was seven. Unknown sources say Trump’s second-grade teacher Mrs. Garrett, his neighbor Mrs. Kravitz and members of his favorite show, The Monkees, have all been subpoenaed. The Monkees have also been ordered to play a full set for the investigators.
Band member Michael Nesmith told reporters he is shocked that Mueller would suspect them of involvement in a Russian plot. “People say we monkey around, but we’re too busy singing to put anybody down.”
Worries that Russia is buying influence in American politics raised by many Democrats including Nancy Pelosi, Bernie Sanders and Karl Marx as well as Bill Clinton during a speech he gave for the Russian embassy. Said House Intelligence Committee member Adam Schiff, “We must get to the bottom of this. If we don’t find anything, we must get to the top and then go back down to the bottom.”
Asked to comment, local mad scientist Rick Sanchez was turned down.
June 17, 2017
Just a month into Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, his team has had to change focus. Allegations of a Russia-Trump connection appear to have reached a dead end. As well, claims that Trump obstructed justice with Mueller’s best friend and synchronized swimming partner James Comey appear to be going nowhere after the ex-FBI director’s testimony before Congress. For this, Comey wrote Mueller a nice apology letter using a big pen with a sparkly flower on the end.
However, anonymous sources who love reading the fiction section of the Washington Post say that Mueller has shifted the focus of his expensive probe to other matters in order to afford his new mansion on Long Island.
News that Trump advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner left change in his suit when he sent it to the dry cleaners and didn’t report the incident prompted Mueller to look into if Kushner has laundered any other money. Critics of the special counsel dismissed this as a process crime.
According to the Post, other anonymous sources with knowledge of the ending to “Soylent Green” say that Mueller is also expanding his probe to Barron, Trump’s 11-year-old son. His team is investigating charges that Barron perjured himself to a group of schoolkids when he claimed Mary Peters was his girlfriend and that he could blow a bubble bigger than his neighbor old man Woolsely’s butt.
In response, Barron has hired the school bully Kevin to represent him.
In a statement to the press, Kevin said, “We are going to like, beat all those old dudes. We will also beat them in court.” He then threw a few rocks to chase off a lawyer with Mueller’s probe who stopped by to watch. Kevin cackled wildly before sharing the incident on Snapchat.
According to anonymous sources who bought Post staffers beer last night, Mueller responded to Kevin’s challenge. “I’ll get those kids,” he said. “The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.”