MBS Building Committee Breaks Up Due to Creative Differences

April 8, 2018

Yesterday, the Memorial Boulevard School (MBS) Building Committee announced they are breaking up due to infighting and creative differences.

Formed in 2015, the building committee had a meteoric rise as MBSmania gripped the community and residents embraced their work.

A series of films were released to capitalize on their popularity: A Hard Day’s MBS and All You Need is MBS.

Consequently, an over confident chairman remarked to the Bristol Press in 2016, “We are more popular than the Planning Commission.”

The statement sparked outrage among Bristol Republicans so they burned their MBS memorabilia, and urged Bristol schools to ban books about MBS from being read in classrooms.

That same year rumors swirled that committee member Limping Larry died in a breathing accident and was replaced with a look-a-like.

Appearing on the Bristol Beat, an online radio station at the time, in the summer of 2017 and having been around petroleum products all day, lead conspiracy theorist Myron Goldberg stated, “There are no photos of the committee and the name of Forestville resident Limping Larry appears nowhere on their webpage or their minutes? Why?” Sipping from a cup of antifreeze he continued, “If you read the committee minutes backwards and then read them forwards there are clues suggesting Limping Larry is deceased, but there are no clues suggesting he is dead. How can that be?

Following Mr. Goldberg’s appearance, Limping Larry is Dead began trending for almost an entire minute.

The committee was soon beset with internal problems.

The summer of 2017 MBS members and their families visited India to meditate with the Maharishi, but returned almost immediately because there was no Starbucks, and they discovered the Maharishi died in 2008.

The Maharishi

During the final days of the 2017 municipal election and as the MBS project became a campaign issue, two members of the committee staged a Bed-in called “Give MBS a Chance.”

The bed-in was beset with problems from the onset because one member wanted a Bob-o-pedic mattress while the other wanted a Craftmatic adjustable bed, and there were issues with the pillows.

Last month they surprised everyone by holding their monthly meeting on the roof of city hall in what can only be called a desperate last gasp. The meeting was taped by Nutmeg TV for a movie to be called Let Us Be.

Based on these issues and several other factors their breakup was announced early Saturday.

City councilors will wear black armbands at Tuesday’s council meeting, and the City of Bristol’s flag will fly at half-staff during lunch Monday.

Sebastian Goo contributed nothing to this story.

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Former Candidate for Mayor Exonerated from FOI charge, JFK Assassination, Tea Pot Dome and Breaking up The Beatles

May 11, 2017

Last year a Freedom of Information complaint filed against former City Councilor and 2015 mayoral hopeful Ellen Zoppo-Sassu was dismissed. The complaint, filed by the former Republican Town Committee leader, alleged she held secret meetings while in charge of a municipal task force.

During the investigation, the Freedom of Information Commission expanded the scope and depth of their probe to the assassination of President Kennedy, “It was only a matter of time before they accused her of that too,” said Claire Gurney, a spokeswoman for the commission on the matter.

The commission said they found no evidence that she was involved in the assassination of the 35th President because her name does not appear anywhere in the 26 volumes of the Warren Report, and most importantly, she was not alive at the time of the assassination.

The city GOP issued a brief statement stating they were unconvinced of her innocence regarding the events in Dallas in 1963. “Just because she wasn’t alive at the time of the assassination does not mean she wasn’t involved. We will keep looking for evidence.”

The matter came to light once again when republican candidate for city council Andrew Howe brought it up during his appearance on the State of the City program Sunday.

In response the Freedom of Information Commission issued a statement late Wednesday, “Let us be clear, the commission dismissed the complaint against Ellen Zoppo-Sassu. Additionally, we found no evidence that she had anything to do with the Tea Pot Dome Scandal, Watergate, Abscam, Iran-Contra, the breakup of the Beatles or the filming of Gigli.”