Forestville School Board Discusses Banning the Alphabet

On Monday, the Forestville School Board held a special meeting to discuss banning the alphabet from Forestville public schools.

“As a grandmother, I don’t want my grandkids being exposed to ABC’s,” an elderly woman said.

“I went into my child’s classroom and they had the alphabet everywhere. I never saw the alphabet displayed in the classroom when I was in school. I feel this is grooming children for things,” said Melissa Ponders, a mother of a first-grade student.

Controversy over the alphabet erupted recently when a single parent voiced a concern, “Letters can be used to form words which can be twisted to make sentences that become paragraphs which can lead to stories and ideas that can be morally challenging,” wrote Elizabeth Kern in an email to school board members.

When contacted by Boardman, Kern also objected to the ABC song, which is used around the world to teach children their ABC’s. “That song closes with ‘Now I know my ABC’s. Next time, won’t you sing with me.’ Who exactly do they want to sing with my child? They won’t say and that is part of the problem.”

The mayor, who, in addition to being a businessman, scientist, and historian, is a noted linguist. He took time from playing Pickle Ball and weighed in on the controversy, “I know a lot about the alphabet, like it has 27 letters. Therefore, it makes me uniquely qualified to root out any problems, if there are any. Did I mention that Bristol, which Forestville is part of, is a big, small town? I invented that in case you did not know.”

In August, the Forestville School Board will take a vote on the matter and based on Kern’s letter, they will debate if the number 666 should be banned due to its relationship with the Devil.

For Mike…

The National Adverb Expo Returning to Forestville

FORESTVILLE – The National Adverb Expo makes its return to Forestville in January of 2021. Forestville was awarded hosting duties over other juggernauts like Plantsville, Collinsville, and Noank. “This is a great day for Forestville,” Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu said. “We couldn’t be happier.”

Attendees will be delighted that America’s leading authority, Charles Phillip Quickly, will be a presenter once again.

Mr. Quickly will provide the state of the union on adverbs and showcase new adverbs for 2021 and beyond.

Other discussions include: How Adverbs Saved the Magna Carta and the very popular The Language Apocalypse: Life Without Cuss Words.

Local grammarian Anna McCauley-Ridgeway is a scheduled lecturer and will present evidence that adverbs have been with us since the beginning of language, unlike other parts of speech. She will also chair a panel discussion entitled, The Problems with Pronouns.

The expo is currently slated to be held at the amazingly big banquet hall strategically, luckily and gratuitously located downtown by the lovely sign for Nuchie’s, near the place with really, really, really good pizza. However, most likely, it will be done virtually.

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about this matter.

2020 Election News

FORESTVILLE – Trump is demanding a recount of the vote in Forestville. “I don’t understand how anyone voted against me. Clearly, there were voting irregularities,” Trump told Boardman while watching a rerun of I Married Joan.

In other election news, Forestville residents were relieved that Cara, Henri, and Whit “I lied when I said I wouldn’t serve another term because now I get a state pension” Betts won because they will resume their popular Coffee With a Legislator.

Said Fre Apple, a local Republican no one has ever heard of, “It’s not a bad deal for a $1.99 you get a coffee and the opportunity to speak with a politician. For a brief moment, my life is fulfilled, and I feel and look like a lobbyist.”

Lastly, Forestville Democrats are “Sitting Shiva” at HQ mourning all week yet another loss at the state level. Bereaved registered voters are encouraged to visit and make donations to the Clinton Foundation.

Forestville’s Voting Location is Ready

Today is election day, and in addition to the voting stickers and new pens at Forestville’s lone voting location in Greene-Hills School, voters can expect well-bonded paper at each voting stall. “We are very excited about that,” election volunteer Sam Nettles told Boardman. “It will really transform the voting experience.”

The polls open at 6 AM, with tailgating beginning at 4. Grills are permitted for tailgating provided non-one uses them to cook, per the Forestville Fire Department.

According to the Registrar of Voters Office, candidates are available to sign autographs and answer questions before the polls open.

The Registrar’s office said voting will be conducted inside, despite calls for it to be outside.

Because it is expected to be a stressful experience for some voters this year, The American Heart Association (AHA) will have a blood pressure monitoring station at Greene-Hills School.

A flyover is expected around 8:15 when a piper cub will be scrambled from Robertson Airport.

Cara’s Charm School

Forestville – Tuesday morning, State Rep. Cara Pavalock-D’Amato wearing an ankle length multi colored sheath tunic and laying under a cloth canopy of gold, told local media she is opening a charm school.

According to the state representative from the 77th district, her classes will teach etiquette the Pavalock-D’Amato way which will enrich her life and degrade others.

Students will learn creative expressions and attitudes known as Caraisms such as:

• Do you know who I am?
• Suck it b****!
• Eat it
• I never rent; I own.
• Take that bowl away, my dog only drinks bottled water.
• I don’t have to wait in line with everyone else, right?
• I am not bragging but I am very important.
• I own you.
• I am an attorney peasant so get out of my way.
• OMG, I can only go the Riviera for a month this summer! I am like so bummed.
• Oh, you are middle class, so you’re a loser and a sucker? Interesting.
• I’m entitled what are you?

With beautiful muscular young men fanning her with giant leaves and fawning maidens dressed like Sea Nymphs playing flutes, fifes and harps, she said “students” will learn the following strategies:

• How to deal with the little people
• The joys of looking down one’s nose
• Entitlement

Graduates will receive a signed tattered sheath of paper from the Queen of the Pequabuck stating they completed her course.

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment.

Editorial

In this election, I don’t think I will be voting for what’s his name and I encourage you to do likewise.

He did that thing that bugged me and proposed a law that was stupid. Also, he borrowed my leaf blower 20 years ago and never returned it. I resent him for it and he sucks.

B.J. Fowder
Forestville

EDITORIAL

I am writing this editorial today to bring attention to several matters that have taken up residence in my mind.

I have information that is potentially damaging to Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu. Yeah, that’s right, her! For example, I know for a fact that she was involved in the JFK Assassination. Sure, she he was not alive then but that is the perfect cover! I have all sorts of redacted documents that don’t have her name on them to prove it.

Also, why don’t ice cream trucks sell ice cream at night or during the winter? Don’t people eat ice cream at night and during the winter? I’m not the only one that wants to know this, me and my friend talk about it all the time.

The no-nothing mayor and do-nothing city council should investigate, but they won’t because they are bought and paid for by George Soros. I know this, the cops know this and it’s about time the rest of you know this. Boom!

It’s high time that the dairy industry do something about it too, but they won’t because they are in cahoots with Soros, the liberal media and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu.

And did I mention the geese along the Boulevard migrated there following the Avian flu outbreak? Don’t believe me? Just ask them and they will tell you.

Or, how about this? Did you know that the 2014 tornado was a military experiment to embarrass the then republican mayor? It’s no coincidence that we have not had another tornado. Boom!

I have this information and more that is bigger, BIGGER than Watergate. If it ever got out it could be embarrassing to the mayor, the city council and the do-nothing and no-nothing water department too. Don’t believe me? The reason the Water Department does “hydrant flushing” is to make us use more water and thus pay a bigger bill. Well, I am on to them, the Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and everyone else. Let the arrests begin. Boom!

D.A Fearg
Forestville

EDITORIAL

Due to the warm weather, I heard that Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu is encouraging citizens to get outside and enjoy the Sun, while adhering to social distancing guidelines.

I’m so happy the mayor brought this to Bear because I have damaging information about the Sun that is potentially damaging to the Sun and its worshippers. These types of remarks are made by someone who clearly does not understand the damage wrought by the do-nothing Sun, and other Celestial entities that pollute our skies.

And don’t get me started about the clouds in the sky. I know Cumulus clouds are big, puffy and cute but they are the perfect spot for chemtrails i.e. chemical or biological agents to be deposited, which are done to embarrass President Trump.

She could tell you about that, and how when tax revenues are down, hurricane activity goes up. In recent years, the United States has experienced hurricanes due to the poor of this country not paying their fair share in taxes.

Rather than eliminate this vacuum in taxation, the mayor does nothing. The only way to stop hurricanes from destroying our coastlines, and Forestville along with Bristol proper, is to make poor people pay their taxes.

Not only that but she will not address the shortage of two dollar bills we have in our town. I go to the bank and they never have them. As a result, I left a message with the Board of Finance and they never got back to me. Why? Because the mayor along with George Soros is engaged in a conspiracy against me. If this information were made public to the public it could be quite embarrassing to the mayor, the city council and the Water Department.

D.A. Fearg
Forestville

New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart Does Not Respond to Letter, Public Asks ‘What’s the Matta You?’

New Britain mayor Erin Stewart has a big broad smile that lights up any room and she seems pleasant enough, but several citizens told Boardman that they believe it is just a ruse.

Forestville resident Kenneth Snipps, a noted letter writer, recently composed a missive to the New Britain mayor regarding a terrifying experience he had with a garbage can in the Hardware City. He signed it, mailed it, carefully placed a stamp in the right-hand corner of the envelope, and even personally mailed it himself.

And then, the “small man with glasses”, kept a quiet vigil by his post office box waiting for her reply. Days turned to weeks and did Erin Stewart respond? Nope.

Despondent, Mr. Snipps lapsed into a coma friends say. Although he is “okay” they are deeply upset with the callous behavior of Erin Stewart.

Word of her malfeasance is now known and the public is expressing its outrage:

Tobias “Toby” Jacks (Mr. Snipps closest friend):
“Toby some this up in one word: Erin Stewart be very, very mean while Kenny be nice; he be good friend. Her be mean witchy woman, lady girl who is mean like monster.”

Norbert Pendleton (associate of Mr. Snipps):
“Erin Stewart portrays herself as a nice guy and a man of the people, but she is a mean woman.”

Mr. Biggs (neighbor of Mr. Snipps):
“Wait, that idiot neighbor of mine has a name and its Kenneth Snipps? Wow! Who knew?”

As Mr. Snipps struggles with what’s being chronicled as the snobbish rejection by a popular and powerful politician, a number of celebrities are speaking out against Erin Stewart and her cruelness:

Taylor Swift (musician):
“I guess Erin Stewart thinks she’s ‘too good’ to respond to a letter. I am so mad about his that I will personally get involved, and have my assistant write and post a tweet.”

Julianne Moore (American actress named by TIME magazine as one of the most influential people in the world):
“In the end we share words and words are so important because they make sentences which are so important especially now, and for Erin Stewart not to respond with words and sentences of her own to this small man with glasses is reprehensible.”

Billie Ellish (musician):
Penned a long essay and it is still being deciphered.

Beyoncé (musician):
“Paul sent the Corinthians many letters and they never responded either. Now, no one likes the Corinthians. Are you listening Erin Stewart? #writekennyaletter”

Lady Gaga (musician):
“My heart breaks for Kenneth Snipps. Erin Stewart sets a poor example for not only women, but for people of all different types of sexes whether it be male or female.”

Barry Williams (actor):
“This is so outrageous that I am outraged.”

Buzz Aldrin (astronaut):
“She disrespected Mr. Snipps. Shame. Hey, does anyone want to hear my second man on the moon story? No? Mars or bust!”

Jenna Jameson (porn actress):
“Poor Kenny.”

Mike Tyson (boxer):
“When I was world champion of the entire world of Earth, I never did s*** like that. No f****** way.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson (American astrophysicist)
“How can she disrespect Kenny like that. It was his idea to go lower case with de in deGrasse!”

Emmanuel Macron (President of France):
“Les Américains ne comprennent tout simplement pas. Les gens puissants et d’élite n’ont pas de temps pour vous et, au fait, bon travail de mettre cela dans le traducteur Google. Vive la France et bois du lait c’est surtout bon pour toi!”

Forestville Schools to Practice Delayed Openings

Forestville – With Forestville schools expected to open in the fall, the city council is scheduled to vote on a provision to allow schools in the village and Bristol proper to practice delayed openings. Councilman Scott Rosado told Boardman while grooving to some cool tunes on his iPod “We’re so out of practice with delayed openings we need to practice.”

Consequently, Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, late one night under candlelight and using her favorite Uni-ball Jetstream pen, not only wrote a brief but a whitepaper, case study, and a microminiature book for parents, faculty and academia on how to conduct a delayed opening based on her research and experiences.

The mayor foresees training programs for the public at large “Delayed openings are our future,” Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu told Boardman confidentially provided the quote was attributed to Peter Kelley with an E or a fictional character. She left it to Boardman to decide.