“Transformers 5” Debuts to Franchise-Low $69 Million

June 26, 2017

Following left-wing celebrities Johnny Depp, Jim Carrey and Madonna, Wile E. Coyote has also now called for President Trump to be assassinated.  He made the threat through a series of small wooden signs he held up in a remote American desert.

It is not Coyote’s first foray into politics.  He vocally supported free health care at Bernie Sanders rallies and during his many post-cartoon-episode hospitalizations.

Like other stars who threaten Trump, Coyote’s fortunes have hit hard times.  His TV career has dwindled and the Road Runner stopped receiving his calls, thinking them to be some sort of trick.  In 2016, he was hired to do unboxing videos for the Acme Corporation.  However, they dropped him earlier this month when a mishap with Acme Dehydrated Boulders® resulted in a massive rockslide in Yosemite National Park.

In an article entitled, “Girlboss Canceled by Netflix After One Season”, The Hollywood Reporter did not mention Mr. Coyote at all.  In a second article, they did mention him and suspected that his words were a publicity stunt to restart his disaster-prone career.

Myopic off-screen pal Mr. Magoo said that he disagrees with the politics and dinner choices of his “hirsute friend.”  However, he understands his need for attention, saying, “Oh Coyote, you’ve done it again!”  He then drove into a chicken coop.

The Secret Service expressed no concern about this latest threat.  A spokesman said, “Given Mr. Coyote’s history, we fully expect that any scheme by him against the president will only end in Mr. Coyote plunging off a cliff or being blown up by his own bomb and then plunging off a cliff.”

Democrats Hope For Big Win In Newest Special Election

June 23, 2017

After bruising losses in four contested special elections, the Democrat Party has turned to a fifth one in Michigan. Jerome Snell III is running against Republican favorite Holly Lambier for class president at Okiedoke High School. It is already the most expensive school election in American history. Hollywood celebrities like Gaten Matarazzo and Sasha Obama poured thousands of jars of pennies into Snell’s campaign.

Lambier brought in a high-powered bully, Kevin, who crafted her campaign slogan: “Snelly Is Smelly.” She is expected to focus on Snell’s lack of style, his poor grades in English and that he is a quote, “stupidhead.”

In an eerie similarity to the recent house race in Georgia, Snell is running for office in a school he doesn’t attend. Also, he is 37 and just graduated college.

Democrat leaders are optimistic. Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez said, “The other races we lost turned out to not be referendums on Trump, but if we win this one, it will for sure be a referendum on the president.”

Price Is Right
The seat was vacated by Kim Price when Ivanka Trump brought her to the White House to be head of the Department of Fashion. Considered the trendiest teenager at school, Price has a long history of persuading her family to get her the coolest and most coordinated wardrobe in town.

She survived a grueling confirmation hearing earlier this month. Senate Democrats focused on her excessive praise of Bardot tops paired with capri pants. In a testy exchange, Senator Diane Feinstein even compared the shirt to a “crop top,” which drew boos and shouts of “Oh no, she didn’t!” from the pro-Price gallery.

At her swearing-in ceremony, Price said, “Oh my God, I am like really happy to be here. As head of fashion, I want you to know I am going to make sure that like, things like wedge sneakers are out. And adult onesies? Seriously? Circle underscore that a ‘No.'”

Baseball Fans Take to the Streets of Forestville to Protest Called Third Strike

June 19, 2017

Baseball fans in Forestville took to the streets early Sunday morning following a disputed called third strike in a pick-up game behind Greene-Hills School Saturday.

In the second inning with nobody on base and two outs and a 0-2 count, Home plate umpire Michael Nerdly called Gavin Dodge out on strikes. Dodge disputed the call and asked for a redo but Nerdly ignored his plea.

According to spectators the pitch in question appeared to be outside and out of the strike zone, but Nerdly said the pitch hugged the outside corner. The play did not decide the contest and the game had absolutely no meaning, but the controversy will live forever.

Charlie Simmer briefly attended the game and was standing down the left field line roughly 200 feet from home plate with an obstructed view and observed, “No way was that a strike! The umpire is blind or he can’t see. I can’t tell which.”

Added Cheryl Murdoch, “I wasn’t at the game so I heard about it through a friend and I can tell you that pitch was not a strike. What a joke. Give me a break!”

Consequently, chanting protestors walked the streets near Peck Park, rallying against the called third strike. The demonstration was peaceful but residents in the small neighborhood awoke to the sounds of protesters denouncing the call with chants of “Hey hey! Ho ho! Michael Nerdly has got to go!” And other colorful slogans such as “Kill the Ump!”

Game Notes:

The team that scores more runs has yet to lose a game in the history baseball.

All the runs scored were by the team on offense.

The game ended when the ball was lost in the woods.

Mueller To Host Wild Special Counsel Parties As Part Of Trump Investigation

June 17, 2017

Just a month into Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, his team has had to change focus. Allegations of a Russia-Trump connection appear to have reached a dead end. As well, claims that Trump obstructed justice with Mueller’s best friend and synchronized swimming partner James Comey appear to be going nowhere after the ex-FBI director’s testimony before Congress. For this, Comey wrote Mueller a nice apology letter using a big pen with a sparkly flower on the end.

However, anonymous sources who love reading the fiction section of the Washington Post say that Mueller has shifted the focus of his expensive probe to other matters in order to afford his new mansion on Long Island.

News that Trump advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner left change in his suit when he sent it to the dry cleaners and didn’t report the incident prompted Mueller to look into if Kushner has laundered any other money. Critics of the special counsel dismissed this as a process crime.

According to the Post, other anonymous sources with knowledge of the ending to “Soylent Green” say that Mueller is also expanding his probe to Barron, Trump’s 11-year-old son. His team is investigating charges that Barron perjured himself to a group of schoolkids when he claimed Mary Peters was his girlfriend and that he could blow a bubble bigger than his neighbor old man Woolsely’s butt.

In response, Barron has hired the school bully Kevin to represent him.

In a statement to the press, Kevin said, “We are going to like, beat all those old dudes. We will also beat them in court.” He then threw a few rocks to chase off a lawyer with Mueller’s probe who stopped by to watch. Kevin cackled wildly before sharing the incident on Snapchat.

According to anonymous sources who bought Post staffers beer last night, Mueller responded to Kevin’s challenge. “I’ll get those kids,” he said. “The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.”

It is May Day in June

June 12, 2017

On a sun soaked and warm Saturday afternoon in the Mum City, the Republican Town Committee filled Muzzy Field to celebrate the mayor with speeches of praise and denunciations of Bristol Democrats.

The authoritarian mayor presided over the spectacle from a viewing stand high above the field, and clapped enthusiastically as the RTC marched in elaborate formations before him with colorful orange flags. They sang songs of loyalty, chanted and danced while wearing orange shirts, orange shorts, orange hats, orange boots and orange tube socks.

Following the parade, which included floats with his image, the Supreme Leader addressed the crowd and touted his administration’s accomplishments such as ending the drought and soundproofing his office.

The Supreme Leader then added, “I will do everything in my power to minimize any tax increase but if a tax increase is imposed, I will be certain to blame the Democrats and in particular my opponent in the November election because everything that is wrong in the world is her fault including the fact that my I-Pod does not work.”

Due to his penchant for bulling those that do not share his views, near the conclusion of the event, a shackled union worker was brought before him at the viewing stand and was promptly belittled and demeaned to the crowd’s delight.

The Forestville Fire Department had no comment about the matter.

James Comey Testifies Before Senate; Park Rangers Report Black Bears Unconcerned

June 9, 2017

James Comey

Yesterday, the Senate Intelligence Committee took testimony from ex-FBI director James Comey about what his conversations with the president were and why he is so ridiculously tall.

Key takeaways from Comey hearing:

— Comey testifies that Trump did not obstruct justice. He also does not know why he is so tall.

— Stripes and crazy-looking patterns are still in for men’s ties this summer.

— Senator Mark Warner (D) pressed the former FBI head whether Trump obstructed his dessert order. “Did Trump demand you have one or two scoops of ice cream? Did Trump mention the word, ‘banana?’ Did he say he had to go to the rest room at any point during your conversation?” Comey declined to answer, suggesting Putin had gotten to Comey as well.

— Comey reiterated that Trump makes him uncomfortable. As does spiders, clowns and reruns of Happy Days. He then asked senators to remove their socks as that made him queasy too.

— Boardman polled a focus group of three people with ADD for their opinion on the hearing. In the survey, 1 or 1 out of 3 admitted he was playing Clash of Clans on his iPhone during the hearing, 1 said she has a dog named Mittens, and 1 ran in circles around the room while trying to fly.

Forestville to Get New Sawdust Factory

June 6, 2017

Construction is set to begin on a sawdust factory in the historic section of Forestville. It will be the only factory in the United States that exclusively cuts wood for the purposes of sawdust.

The wood will be cut and pulverized into wood particles for no reason whatsoever because once pulverized, the particles will be simply thrown away.

Additionally, the factory will not employ people because woodpeckers and carpenter ants will do all the work, according to a statement issued by the mayor’s office. The mayor hailed the announcement to build the sawdust factory as a triumph for Forestville.

“This sawdust facility will have no economic impact on the region or provide any jobs for workers,” the mayor said at a press conference.

A source close to the mayor elaborated and said there is no incentive for the factory to be built or the wood to be cut. “It’s just a way for the mayor to get his name in the newspaper and attend a ribbon cutting ceremony.”

The Sawdust Factory will occupy the location that was once home to the Air Pollution Factory.