Forestville Residents Protest Sweltering Heat

July 26, 2016

heatindex

Forestville residents took to the streets of the village Monday demanding an end to the current heat wave, which has seen temperatures in the 90s for five days.

Demonstrators, starting at Todd Street, marched to City Hall chanting, singing and banging drums while denouncing all things hot.

Debbie Wynot was among the horde demanding City Hall do something about ending the heat wave. “Our leaders said during the election they would protect us. What are they waiting for winter?” Ms. Wynot asked.

The protesters held up anti heat signs and gave speeches on the steps of City Hall about the perils of sweltering heat. Chants of “Hey Hey, Ho Ho this heat wave has got to go,” could be heard in Rockwell Park.

The crowd was so raucous that an image of the Heat Index was burned in effigy.

Officials say they have no plan in place to quell the punishing heat and instead will let nature take its course, much to the disappointment of the protestors.

The National Weather Service said they expect the summer to remain a mixture of warm and hot.

AB

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Sunday Conversation: Kenneth Shelby

July 24, 2016

Sunday Conversation 01

In an exclusive, AB secured an interview with an elusive candidate for the 77th seat, Mr. Kenneth Shelby of the newly formed Bristol First Party. We sat down for a Sunday conversation.

Boardman: Thanks for speaking with us, Mr. Shelby.

KS: I’m not Mr. Shelby.

Boardman: I have a picture of you right here with your name right on it.

KS: Oh.

Boardman: Mr. Shelby, opponents say you duck debates.

KS: Tea?

Boardman: That you dissemble, evade and don’t like talk about the issues.

KS: Maybe you’re a lemonade person.

Boardman: They say you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

KS: That’s not true. I do know! I have lots of great ideas.

Boardman: Critics point out that you also have a few “wacky” ones as if you threw them in for effect. For instance, you want to bring in coal companies to strip-mine and plunder Fall Mountain, lower the voting age to seven and balance the budget with special taxes on soda jerks and leech collectors, ignoring the fact those occupations no longer exist. What do you say in your defense?

KS: Look! I made you a sweater!

The Democratic Primary is August 9th 2016, and the general election will be held on November 8, 2016. Stay informed all year with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.


Forestville Man “Bring Back the Sedition Acts!”

July 22, 2016

Alien and Sedition Acts

The Aliens and Sedition Acts recently celebrated its 218th anniversary.

Passed in July of 1798 by Congress and signed by President Adams, the legislation made it harder for an immigrant to become a resident, and unlawful for anyone to write anything critical against the federal government.

Forestville eccentric Martin Van Doreen recently held a party in his home paying tribute to the legislation. He kicked off the celebration by banning attendees from saying anything critical about him, and prohibiting anyone from attending that he believed “looked funny, foreign or suspicious including myself.”

Celebrants raised a glass of Côte du Rhône and sang “Happy Birthday” to the Alien and Sedition Acts, and were then served Duck à l’Orange ubiquitously for dinner.

Van Doreen said he thought the Alien and Sedition Acts was a swell idea because “you just can’t have critics running around writing or promoting critical things about the government.”

As a result he wants a Sedition Act ordinance passed specifically that prohibits Bristol/Forestville citizens from writing, printing, or uttering bad words publically or privately in their homes, businesses or social gatherings, which are critical and scurrilous of City Hall.

“A Sedition ordinance at the municipal level would not only silence critics, naysayers and those that don’t know any better but provide me, and maybe others I don’t know, with intense physical and emotional paroxysmal excitement,” Van Doreen stated with great aplomb during the celebration. “And what is wrong with that?”


Funding Changes To Impact Tourism in Bristol and the State

July 20, 2016

Revolutionary

Governor Malloy recently announced budget-cutting goals that affect all state agencies. Among those facing cutbacks is the Connecticut Office of Tourism (COT). Parcheesi grandmaster and COT director Randy Fiveash has identified several places to meet the lower budget targets.

One is to replace the welcome center in Danbury with a push-button kiosk featuring the voice of Siri.

Advertising for the state will focus on less expensive media such as radio and the use of town criers. To save costs on ink and printing, the long slogan, “Connecticut – Still Revolutionary” will be replaced by a cat emoji. “Everyone likes cats,” explains Fiveash.

cat 01

Grants to tourist destinations like Mystic are also threatened. In response, Mystic Aquarium’s president plans changes like shorter hours of operation, replacing staff with trained seals, as well as combining the alligator and shark tanks and hoping for the best.

Since the large old ships at Mystic Seaport require expensive maintenance, their director is shelving them in favor of smaller, replica boats in an upcoming exhibit entitled, “Dingeys of the American Revolution”.

Fiveash’s plan includes reducing the number of towns they promote in official visitors’ guides to save on printing costs and focus their efforts on Connecticut’s “jewels.” “We must accept that many cities in the state are plain boring, or reflect badly on the state — like Bridgeport.”

Bristol Bureau of Tourism (BBT) spokesman Laura Mums is anxious to make Bristol one of those jewels. “Bristol has amazing museums and a nature center. One thing we wanted to add was the world’s largest rubber band. Unfortunately, the State hasn’t funded this project due to the budget problem and concerns we’d use it to fire spit balls at New Britain.”


State to Take Control of Pokémon Go Mania

July 19, 2016

Pokemon Go

The latest craze to hit the market is Pokémon Go, where players use their phone to track down virtual Pokémon characters outdoors. The Department of Energy and Environmental Protection (DEEP) is conscious of the vast numbers of players and therefore has set out to manage the situation.

First, all Pokémon players will be required to obtain a license to hunt Pokémon in Connecticut and pay $75.00 for the license, plus another ten bucks for the permit if hunting on state property.

Second, strict limits will be placed on the number of Pokémon that can be caught each day.

Commissioner of DEEP and noted stamp collector Rob Klee explained it like this. “Our charge is to protect and manage environmental resources and wildlife in Connecticut, both real and artificial. We want to ensure that we never run out of our precious native Pokémon.”

Noted Pokémon trainer Ash Ketchum couldn’t be reached for comment. Since he is an anime character and does not actually exist.

(Correction: An earlier version of this story incorrectly reported that Klee said this was a ridiculous idea. Boardman apologizes for this error and should have known better)


Sunday Conversation with Forestville’s George Hovel

July 17, 2016

Sunday Conversation 01

With elections for the 77th district seat coming up, this column decided to interview the candidates. However since no major ones were available, a minor one was interviewed instead: George Hovel, candidate for the Green Party, who has made the environment a cornerstone of his campaign sat down for a Sunday conversation.

Boardman: Tell us about your background.

GH: I tested elevators in the Otis Elevator testing tower for 20 years. They finally let me go because I lost all sense of direction.

Boardman: You can no longer tell north from south?

GH: No, I can’t tell up from down. I can’t tell you how often I’ve gone to visit the top of the Empire State Building, but ended up in the basement.

Boardman: Why join the Green Party?

GH: The Green Party is against technology and science. As a former Creationist, that appeals to me. Also, I like the color green.

Boardman: What would you do if elected?

GH: Stop all climate change — keep the climate from ever changing. I don’t want another ice age or hot age that brings dinosaurs back to Connecticut. Global Warming people say we already see the effects of climate change in how Bristol is less sparkly. In 100 years, nothing will sparkle. We must take action now before our city becomes irreversibly dull.

Boardman: How would you fight climate change?

GH: Ban all carbon, starting with carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, carbon paper and carbon testing. People will be required to hold their breath for five minutes a day. Carbon-polluting cars will be illegal. If people want to get around, use a horse! It was good enough for our forefathers. And it gives horses something to do besides eating grass and making fun of me behind my back. I also hate elevators. Are we on the second floor?

The election is August 9th 2016. Stay informed all year with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage


Pequabuck River Not as Wet as First Thought

July 16, 2016

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Officials with the Department of Environmental Protection have cited the city of Bristol for water in the Pequabuck River not being wet enough.

The EPA met with city officials and explained water and its importance. Based on the meeting and a threat of fines, the city is responding positively with a $12 million-dollar remediation program in which the existing water in the Pequabuck will be replaced by costlier but wetter water from the Connecticut River.

The plan is to first dredge the Pequabuck of all deficient water. Then Connecticut River water purchased from the state will be trucked over, and the dredged water will be safely buried at the City of Bristol Transfer Station.

DSCN7973

Citizens are skeptical about the cost especially given recent budgetary tightening but generally speaking they don’t seem to care.

Additional measures include the use of a synthetic water that looks feels and tastes more like water than water. It is made from non-GMO oxygen and hydrogen in a state supported laboratory.

The latest findings on the Pequabuck by the EPA are based on a recent wetness test. The low wetness readings are thought to be the result of man-made global warming.


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