Trump and Air Force One

December 7, 2016


President-elect Donald Trump tweeted that Boeing’s planned new version of Air Force One is too expensive and he wants to cancel it. The passenger jet is now slated to cost over $4 billion dollars even with savings from the Defense Department buying it during Boeing’s November to Remember Sales Event.

Trump’s complaints included the lack of amenities he’d get for the cost. “It can’t hit hypersonic speed, it has no lasers and the entertainment system doesn’t even pick up ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey.'”

President Obama responded to Trump’s tweet on the White House lawn, where he was taking a break from mowing. “I’m tired of Trump complaining about everything I’ve, uh, accomplished including this plane. In fact, I’m going inside right now and issue an executive order, uh, banning Trump from being president. That’s constitutional, right?”

Enthusiasts to Gather for Reenactment of the Flight of Icarus

December 6, 2016


According to Greek mythology, a young man named Icarus tried to escape the island of Crete with artificial wings made of feathers and wax. Unfortunately Icarus crashed into the sea because he flew too close to the sun, causing his wings to melt. Forestville resident Duncan Sumter will attempt to reenact the flight of Icarus this month at Robertson Airport in Plainville.

Mr. Sumter spent the summer building his wings using osier branches and connected them with wax as described in the historical myth. However, his journey will be a bit different. Mr. Sumter observed, “Flying near the sun will not part of my flight plan.” Indeed he says he picked December in order to completely avoid the sun.

The event is backed by the Plainville Flight Society which was intrigued and skeptical and intrigued by Sumter’s idea; then remorseful. Society member Floyd McEnroe plans to attend but not to see him fly. “The only reason I am going is to watch this guy crash.”

His brother Floyd McEnroe Too remarked, “I want to see this guy flap his arms and try to fly. It will look ridiculous.”

Sumter is unfazed by the doubters. “Once I get above 200 feet, the Bernoulli Effect will take over and keep me airborne indefinitely. I’m even bringing a couple cans of Chef Boyardee with me in case I stay up past lunchtime.”

This is not Sumter’s first foray into simulating historic events. Last year he attempted to replicate Jesus walking on water at the Sea of Galilee using a special pair of snowshoes. However, as soon as he stepped out of his fishing boat, he sank to the bottom of Pine Lake. Later after recovering from his near-drowning, he tried to part the Pequabuck River using a couple of large pieces of wood. Unfortunately, the waters did not divide and Mr. Sumter found himself in Plainville, washed downstream straight into the Noah’s ark replica he was also working on.

Following those debacles he vowed to stay away from all water-based religious reenactments.

Organizers say tickets to see the flight in person are ten dollars unless you sneak in then it is free.

A Merry Christmas Cookbook from the City Council

December 4, 2016



• City councilors share their holiday recipes from artichokes to zucchini
• City councilors finally agree on something “Everyone eats food”


Celebrate the holidays this year with the Bristol City Council as they spread Christmas mirth with the publication of their holiday recipe book entitled, The Bristol City Council Christmas Cookbook. Using all of their culinary talents the city councilors and mayor as well, make holiday cooking a delight with their vast collection of Christmas recipes.

Calvin’s Cookies!

Councilor Calvin Brown gets the book off to a tasty start with his Gingerbread cookie recipe. Yes, the directions are 16 pages and yes they are tedious and yes they include instructions on how to eat, chew and digest the cookies. However, the confections are wonderful and worth the hassle.

In the interest of bi-partisanship City Councilors for the Second District, Dave Preleski and Jodi Zils Gagne contribute their delicious Cornish Game Hen recipe. Mr. Perleski says the garlic provides its unique taste while Mrs. Zils Gagne says it’s the rosemary. The debate will wage forever no doubt! Either way, everyone agrees, it is a splendid recipe for the holidays.

Add a pinch of herbs, four cubes of beef bouillon and some cornstarch, onions and a few other ingredients no one has ever heard of and Voila! you have a tasty tasting Christmas stew from the kitchen of councilor Dave Mills.

Mary Fortier makes a terrific contribution by offering up her popular Tiramisu recipe. Mmm-mm. Delish! The tasty coffee-flavored Italian custard dessert is popular with republicans, democrats and even Green Party members. Who knew? No doubt it is the extra rum she adds due to those tough nights on the council.

What do you get when Anthony D’Amato takes over a kitchen for the holidays? You get a Mussels, Cabbage and Onion sandwich recipe. Um…yeah. Okay. Moving forward.

The mayor finishes the tome with his delightful recipes for homemade eggnog, rack of lamb, soft-boiled fetal duck, Sunday rib roast, Christmas goose and humble pie.

The book retails for $19.95 and is on sale wherever books are sold in Forestville and Bristol, if there is any place that still does.

Due to the sensitive nature of some of the recipes, portions of the book are only available via an FOI request.

All proceeds go to Bristol’s various legal expenses.


November 29, 2016


An Aspen bingo game sponsored by a support group for failed presidential candidates blew up when Mrs. Clinton lost to 93-year-old Bob Dole. When Senator Dole raised his hand and shouted in triumph, “Bob Dole says, ‘Bingo!'”, Mrs. Clinton threw her cards and shouted invectives before running into a bathroom and crying.

Hillary supporters took to the streets where they peacefully vandalized cars and attacked people thought to be Dole supporters. The peaceful protests were backed by a tank driven by 1988-nominee Michael Dukakis and monitored by Al Gore on his Gorecomputer in the Gorecave.

Jill Stein tweeted, “If Hillary and her supporters pay me another million dollars I will demand a recount of this contest as well.” The failed Green Party nominee for president later said that experts she met at an opera gala suspect Russian ping-pong balls were in the drum, although there is no evidence this happened.

A lawyer for Mrs. Clinton said, “If we had evidence the Russians tampered with the bingo game, we would certainly demand an investigation. But since there is no evidence, we demand an investigation.”

Senator Dole was unrepentant. “Bob Dole won this game. Bob Dole is against recounts and sore sports. Did Bill Clinton steal my Viagra again?”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.

As Death Threats Against Electors Pour In, One Business Thrives

November 28, 2016


Georgette Hinklebottom may seem to run your typical floral delivery company. However, her business offers a unique service.

“Many people think how awful — these threats of killing by Clinton supporters against members of the electoral college, but my ears only hear the cash register ringing,” she says from her natty shop on the corner of Maple in Bristol. “I think you can blackmail someone and be nice about it at the same time. Nothing is nicer than sending your death threat with a beautiful arrangement of flowers.”

Ms. Hinklebottom points to popular sellers like deathly pale calla lilies and red roses spattered with a paint concoction that simulates blood. If flowers aren’t your thing, she offers foil balloons for the aggrieving embossed with touching messages like “I’m Watching You” and “I Know Where You Live”, or various pictures like Garfield holding a knife over a freshly vivisected Odie. She also takes special requests.

“Some prefer the personal touch — the head of their intended’s favorite horse, compromising photos arranged in a Hallmark keepsake album, or a collectible Hummel figurine laying down in a wintry street scene, fresh tire marks over his body with the word ‘YOU’ tastefully scrawled across his forehead in tempura paint.”

Her company not only caters to the discerning extortionist, but covers other occasions. Black Lives Matters ordered several dozen of her “I’m Sorry You’re Still Alive” mixed garden flower bouquets with vase included.

Former UFC champion Ronda Rousey sent her next opponent the “My Fist in Your Face Celebration” with hand-gathered mini pink carnations, baby’s breath and traditional white daisies along with shards from a shattered vase.

And the Alt-right folks sent a “Get Over It” teardrop arrangement of wilted red gerberas, orange roses and yellow lilies to Hillary Clinton in a tattered box.

“When someone receives a pretty wrapped present or bouquet with their death threat, they know that it is a caring person who is thinking about them. All the time.”

Officials Consider Playing Annual Thanksgiving Day Game in Summer

November 27, 2016


With the game time temperature in the low 40s and mainly gray skies, the Bristol Eastern and Bristol Central football teams engaged in the annual Battle for the Bell Thursday at Muzzy Field. Central defeated their crosstown rival 30-12 in a spirited contest.

The Battle for the Bell game played Thanksgiving Day is a tradition that dates back to 1959. However, parents and spectators sitting in the cold and unforgiving bleachers Thursday wondered why the game is played in November under such conditions. “Why can’t the Thanksgiving Day game be played in June?” asked Natalie Housen. It’s warm and sunny then.”

Anne Wharton, who was wrapped in a Sherpa Blanket with matching Pom-pom hat and thermal gloves for the entire game added through chattering teeth, “Why…even…play…outside? They…should play indoors in a…controlled…environment.”

Bernadette Jackson, while playing Plants Vs. Zombies on her phone, went even further, “Just have a computer play the game. They do everything else.”

Concerned parents formed an action committee after the game with the intent of petitioning the Board of Education to move the game to a warmer month. In a press release they said, “The Moving the Bell Action Committee (MTAC) is a group of parents working together to not only enhance our children’s football experience, but everyone’s football experience by moving the Thanksgiving Day game to a month that is not known for being cold.”

From her gold encrusted lectern the Superintendent of the Board of Education said Saturday, “In the wake of cool temperatures and cold bleachers we will consider the proposal by MTAC to move the game to a warmer date or have a computer simulate the game. Frankly, the computer simulation is the better option from a cost analysis standpoint.”

Anti-Drought Protest Erupts in Forestville

November 26, 2016


Fed up with the recent drought, anti-drought protesters descended on the Pequabuck River early this morning. The boiling point was reached on news that the Pequabuck may be downgraded to a Category 3 stream.

The protesters marched in Moncler and Canada Goose jackets and chanted “We Want Water! We Want Water!” Some chanted, “What do we want? Water! When do we want it? Now!” A few protesters were arrested as they put down their Starbucks lattes to perform a rain dance even though none were an accredited Native American.

Park constable Pat O’Reilly wearing an insulated Dickies jacket with smartly matching flannel slacks said, “We have no problem with the people protesting, but they shouldn’t try and take the weather into their own hands. Forestville is no place for weather vigilantes.”

Water restrictions, only in place since October, have protesters frustrated. “We are tired of having to conserve water. I don’t see fish conserving water. Why us? I want to keep the water running while I brush my teeth,” said demonstrator Simon Gray.

Protesters planned a demonstration at the Polkville Brook too but they could not find it with their GPS. So they protested Google Maps. Constable O’Reilly can be seen at Rockwell Park tomorrow, modeling the latest jacket by Sledmate.


What is a drought?

A prolonged period where there is a shortage of water.

Similar genres of calamity / disaster: famine, Black Friday at Wal-Mart

The first thing you need to know is that a drought is a lack of water. If you have a lot of water you don’t have a drought.

What is water?

A noun (Middle English / Old English) that came to prominence for representing a clear liquid that forms the seas, lakes, rivers, and rain and is the basis for the building blocks of life and several fantastic TV shows.

How do you stop a drought?

Take water from areas that have water and give it to areas that don’t have water.

What is responsible for the drought?

Droughts are caused by a lack of moisture in the atmosphere due to changes in land and sea surface temperatures. Or when Gaia is mad at us.