Forestville School Board Discusses Banning the Alphabet

On Monday, the Forestville School Board held a special meeting to discuss banning the alphabet from Forestville public schools.

“As a grandmother, I don’t want my grandkids being exposed to ABC’s,” an elderly woman said.

“I went into my child’s classroom and they had the alphabet everywhere. I never saw the alphabet displayed in the classroom when I was in school. I feel this is grooming children for things,” said Melissa Ponders, a mother of a first-grade student.

Controversy over the alphabet erupted recently when a single parent voiced a concern, “Letters can be used to form words which can be twisted to make sentences that become paragraphs which can lead to stories and ideas that can be morally challenging,” wrote Elizabeth Kern in an email to school board members.

When contacted by Boardman, Kern also objected to the ABC song, which is used around the world to teach children their ABC’s. “That song closes with ‘Now I know my ABC’s. Next time, won’t you sing with me.’ Who exactly do they want to sing with my child? They won’t say and that is part of the problem.”

The mayor, who, in addition to being a businessman, scientist, and historian, is a noted linguist. He took time from playing Pickle Ball and weighed in on the controversy, “I know a lot about the alphabet, like it has 27 letters. Therefore, it makes me uniquely qualified to root out any problems, if there are any. Did I mention that Bristol, which Forestville is part of, is a big, small town? I invented that in case you did not know.”

In August, the Forestville School Board will take a vote on the matter and based on Kern’s letter, they will debate if the number 666 should be banned due to its relationship with the Devil.

For Mike…

Forestville Humorist Barricades Himself in Home Due to Writer’s Block

FORESTVILLE – Forestville police officials told Boardman that John Eggers, noted Forestville humorist, barricaded himself in his home Friday due to a case of writer’s block.

According to eyewitnesses, Eggers vowed not to eat, sleep or have a cup of coffee until he had at least three solid ideas.

The Forestville Police phycologist urged Eggers to talk to her before he discarded any more balls of crumpled paper or snapped another of his famed Faber No. 2 pencils.

Negotiations continued throughout the morning. To de-escalate the situation, police tried to coax him out of his home with fresh hot coffee and a turkey sausage and egg sandwich toasted on an English muffin with hash browns from Dunkin’ Donuts.

Eggers would not budge.

A breakthrough occurred just before lunch, however. Apparently, Eggers saw TV news reports of his standoff with FPD and was immediately inspired.

He contacted the police negotiator and demanded two writing journals and a set of No. 2 pencils.

Eggers agreed with the police negotiator that he would emerge from his home once he framed out his ideas. The standoff ended peacefully shortly after 1:30 when Mr. Eggers walked out of his home.

Police gave him the coffee and the turkey sausage sandwich with the hashbrowns, and he returned to his home and posted the articles to the Internet.

No charges were pressed.

The Forestville Fire Department had no contact about the matter.

Forestville Survives Jewish Space Laser Attack

FORESTVILLE – Monday, Forestville received 16 inches of new snow due to a storm that traveled up the east coast.

However, the storm system, which resulted in closed schools and made travel impossible due to blizzard-like conditions, was not a weather event. According to Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) and several prominent Forestville republicans, the culprit was a laser from outer space that triggered the snow. “Don’t ask me how I know cuz I just know, okay,” she snapped. “It is no coincidence that you have all these alternative energy systems in the area and then you go hit.”

Greene told Boardman via her burner phone, so she would not be tracked or traced by nefarious forces, that the laser was directed at Forestville by a Jewish cabal due to Forestville’s support for Joe Biden.

The GA representative and her followers believe another laser attack is imminent, maybe as soon as next week. “You laugh,” she said, “But we’ll see who is laughing when Forestville is buried in snow by the Children of Israel and the stock market goes up. You think that is a coincidence?”

EDITORIAL: Using the Truth Against Me

Dear residents of Forestville,

Recently, I have been criticized by Democrats and the liberal media for comments I made about the Parkland shooting and the support I showed on Facebook for posts that advocated violence against Democrats and the FBI.

This is a matter of the media once again using the truth against me. This is who these people are and what the radical left represents. There must be strict laws against this, and as a member of the House of Representatives, I won’t stand for it, and neither should you.

Therefore, in the coming days, I will put forth legislation to make it a crime to use your own words and facts against you, especially against a sitting member of Congress.

Join me in this endeavor. The next victim of the truth could very well be you.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga.

Forestville Digs Out Following 3 Massive Inches of Snow

FORESTVILLE – A Ferocious snowfall unleashed its fury on Forestville Tuesday and Wednesday dropping as much as 3 inches of snow. “It was hell,” said limping Larry, a Pine Street area resident.

The noted limper told Boardman his neighborhood took the brunt of “the vicious storm.”

According to the National Weather Service, nobody in the Ville got off easy with snow totals at about 3 inches, including the higher elevations.

The cleanup crews are being praised for their efforts and will be given the keys to the city, “They did a magnificent job under dyer conditions,” said city councilor Greg Hahn as he dabbed his brow to fight back a tear. “The street crews in cooperation with the police and the citizens helped us get through this.”

Local churches prayed for Forestville before the snow, which started just after 12:30. They too took a bow, “It shows the power of prayer. This could have been much worse,” said Reverend Walter ‘Lucky’ Obrien.”

Officials gathered at the Emergency Operations Center and reported that grocery stores are now in the midst of restocking their shelves, and there are no lines at the gas pumps so everyone should go out and buy food and gas again.

Forestville Braces for 2-4 Inches of Snow

FORESTVILLE – The village of Forestville is bracing for 2-4 inches of snow in the next 24 hours, officials said.

Forestville, which was still recovering from temperatures in the 20s and 30s yesterday, is prepared for the snow event.

Schools practiced an early dismissal yesterday, while the Board of Education rehearsed receiving irate phone calls from parents in between actually receiving irate phone calls from parents.

Forestville Police practiced closing roads by closing roads.

And, Public Works pretended they were plowing roads and lots most of Monday.

In downtown, gas stations were filled, and store shelves were picked clean in preparation for the relentless 2-4 inches of snow.

Shop owners boarded up their stores, and the Emergency Operations Center was activated.

At City Hall, the mayor, a noted left-handed dominant person, purchased a customized left-handed snow shovel from Skip’s Shovel Barn following work last evening.

Late last night, Forestville Police issued a reminder to citizens that thickening clouds will begin early so pedestrians are cautioned to govern themselves accordingly. And, snow will develop between 2 and 3 pm., so motorists are instructed to stay home today.

The Forestville Fire Department refused to comment about the matter.

Alex Jones Gets New Bullhorn

InfoWars host Alex Jones has a new bullhorn.

Last week, Jones, frustrated and suspicious of his bullhorn, visited The Day of Reconning Supplies Depot in Forestville and special ordered a new bullhorn. “My old bullhorn was acting suspiciously, so I had to get rid of it before it did harm to me,” Jone told Boardman.

The conspiracy theorist purchased The Armageddon 6000. The Armageddon 6000 has a wider range (1 mile), higher power (3500 Watts), and only uses 18 C batteries. However, most importantly, this bullhorn cannot be traced. “I discovered that my old bullhorn was transmitting my secret thoughts and my whereabouts to the globalists and the Bilderberg group, so I got rid of it,” Jones said listening to a recording of Hell.

Jones said he has documents, video footage, and satellite surveillance, which shows people using bullhorns are being rounded up and placed in camps for reeducation. “Look, man, military intelligence, the deep state along with the Department of Transportation are out to get me and other people that are not me.”

Dear Ivanka – an Advice Column

FORESTVILLE – Ivanka Trump is a former senior advisor to the previous president, and writes an advice column for the citizens of Forestville.

Dear Ivanka,
My dad recently lost his job and is really, really upset. What should I do?

Ivanka:
Your dad sounds like a nice man and is really on top of matters. Encourage him to blame others for his problems.

Dear Ivanka,
Lately, my husband has come into some power at work, so he thinks he is more important than he really is and it bothers me to see this behavior. How should I handle this?

Ivanka:
When my husband gets full of himself, I dress him in some of my frilly little outfits and parade him around the house with a collar and chain. You should do the same. It’s almost as much fun as putting him in a diaper.

Dear Ivanka,
Recently, I was forced out of my job, and I am struggling to come to terms with it. How do you cope with losing your job unexpectedly?

Ivanka:
You need to buy an upscale property on a private island with its own security force and lavish yourself with trips to Paris and Morocco. Also, boss around your staff or your security and deny them the use of your bathroom. It always has worked for my family and me.

Dear Ivanka,
Due to the pandemic, I am out of a job, and my life savings is all but gone. What should I do?

Ivanka
I don’t understand why you’ve chosen to be poor, live in squalor, and not be a multi-millionaire like my husband and me, but to each his or her own, I guess. Just so you know, those decisions you made to be poor and uneducated have consequences, but that does not mean you don’t have time to turn it around. Best of luck!

Until next time Forestville!
XOXO Ivanka

Pence Disappointed to Learn He Will Not Receive Any Parting Gifts

WASHINGTON – Early this morning, Mike Pence was advised by the Secret Service that he will not receive any parting gifts once his tenure as vice president concludes at noon today.

Marty Obst, an advisor to Pence, told Boardman that Pence and his family counted on receiving several parting gifts. “He really had his eye on several, including a Mr. Coffee maker, Noodle Roni, and some lightweight American Tourister luggage.”

Advisors to Pence say the VP feels cheated. “He put up with Trump’s nonsense and antics for four years, and he does not receive anything? No watch, no steak knives, nothing? This is an outrage!” an unnamed source named Karen Pence remarked.

Mike Pence’s Final Hours

WASHINGTON – In a few hours, Mike Pence will no longer be vice president. Consequently, according to sources, the last few days, Pence’s posture is that of a broken man because he will no longer be able to look adoringly at Trump. “He is pretty shaken about it,” a source told Boardman. Pence is skulking around with his head in his hands, muttering, “Why me God, why me?”

There is late word that the soon to be ex-vice president is actively searching for someone to dreamily gaze upon after his tenure as VP is over. “You must understand. For four years, he adoringly looked at Trump. Now he does not know what to do,” said Marty Obst, an advisor to Pence.

Reportedly, his shortlist includes the My Pillow Guy and the QAnon supporting fur hat guy with the painted face that stormed the capitol.