Light Rain Paralyzes Forestville Wednesday

January 19, 2017
A map

A map

The National Weather Service in Taunton issued a light rain watch for all of Forestville Wednesday.

According to NMS there would be periods of very light precipitation, “A light sprinkling of rain will pass through Forestville Wednesday afternoon and overnight,” the alert said. “Residents should prepare in accordance to the conditions.”

The warning instructed residents that there was a high risk for an extended period of light rain or mist across the village, especially in the higher terrains. The alert was also issued for Plainville and parts of Southington too.

Due to the light rain, drivers were forced to use the intermittent setting on their windshield wipers more than usual, which according to law enforcement officials, “Caused a great deal of frustration.”

Forestville officials provided areas for people seeking shelter from the light rain so they would not get wet or damp.

The rain was so light at times that the National Weather Service will visit Forestville today to confirm there was precipitation.

Officials said Forestville residents could expect more weather for the remainder of the week.

Findings of First Major Survey of Forestville Residents in 2017 Released

January 18, 2017


Jan. 18, 2017, 5:27 AM
Jan. 19, 4714, Year of the Monkey, 6:27 PM (Beijing)
Forestville – A recent poll of Forestville residents on a variety of topics conducted by the consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté produced shocking results.

The opinion poll first found that 9% of people had no opinion. 50% of the 9% felt “mostly upset” when the polling firm made fun of them. And 1% of respondents refused to respond.

70% of respondents that identify themselves as “women” want a sexual relationship with a werewolf. 56% of those said a robot would “do” if a werewolf was busy or unavailable. 20% who identified as robots also wanted a sexual relationship with a werewolf.

60% of respondents want Forestville to have a Fast and Furious Day, where speed limits and driving laws are suspended. “Residents expressed a desire to stare drivers down, rev engines, screech tires and drive fast without worrying about tickets or boy scouts helping elderly women across the street,” said a Landry, Issel and Escalanté spokesman.

The spokesman added, “These results provide us with a picture of the average inhabitant of Forestville. Put together, we conclude they tend to be curiously wacky. We believe it will help market the village to businesses that would fit in like clown colleges or the Willy Wonka chocolate factory which is always on the lookout for new Oompa Loompas.”

Other results that support the pollsters’ conclusions:

97% of Forestville residents identifying as conspiracy theorists believe most consumer products are not manufactured on Earth. They also thought the poll was not compiled on Earth.


50% of residents identifying as unidentified don’t know the number for 911.

Roughly 20% believe Jimmy Hoffa is buried in the Pequabuck River. 12% of them believe he lies next to pirate gold. 10% further believe the pirate treasure includes the Obamaphone Blackbeard used to prank call English warships.

Almost 90% of Forestville Republicans support repealing and replacing Obamacare. However, only 20% of them support repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act.

Landry but not Issel or Escalanté observed, “When ‘Obamacare’ was referenced, the breathing was heavy and they became verbally abusive. However, when the term ‘Affordable Care Act’ was mentioned instead, breathing was regular and their tone was happy and perky.”

50% of Democrats refused to identify themselves as Democrats to the firm even though Landry, Issel and Escalanté knew they were. 20% even changed their number to stop what 90% termed the firm’s “harassing” phone calls.

The poll consisted of random telephone calls and the margin of error was nearly 100% with a zero level of confidence in any of the answers.

Alternatively, the poll results also suggest the 70% sheepishness of residents makes the village ideal for takeover by any malevolent spirits looking to relocate or mastermind wanting to spread a ‘Resident Evil’-type virus.”

Rescue Team Scours Wilderness for Election Holdouts

January 16, 2017


Two people were found in the Cascades of Oregon who didn’t know the election was over. The campaign survivalists, Jan and Jake Marshow, lived hidden in a makeshift treehouse in Mount Hood National Forest. From there, they would attack the nearby town of Brightwood with campaign fliers and rhyming slogans.

Mount Hood game warden and Viking Ragnar Lodbrok led a group of warriors from their longships inland, to track down the Marshows. “We baited traps with GMO-free granola bars and packets of fair-trade herbal tea,” said Lodbrok. “The pair turned down the bars due to their high gluten content. But they went for the tea, which we laced with enough chamomile to put down a horde of angry Saxons.”

Psychiatrist and Viking Dr. Björn Ironside now treats the Marshows at Roslagen Psychiatric Hospital. He took time out from sacking a medieval French village to speak to Boardman at the sanitarium’s gift shop.

“We are preparing to reintroduce the Marshows to civil society. When we first explain the election is over, that Hillary lost, they deny it. Then, they protest Hamilton and the electoral college. They are now in the third stage of election grief – blaming the loss on a vast right-wing, Russian and FBI conspiracy hatched in a Kremlin Chik-Fil-A. Afterward, they tend to smear themselves with feces.”

But is this the hardest case the doctor and defiler of Norman women has treated? Ironside put down his bloodied atgeir and gestured to a coloring book of past patients that retails for $3.99 at the shop, $3.00 online.

“As you can read, we haven’t had as difficult a time getting patients to accept the outcome of a vote since Ruben Studdard beat Clay Aiken on ‘American Idol.'”

How many other election deniers are lodged in remote forests is unknown. Hikers in Big Sur report a collection of Hillary supporters making posters and Trump effigies alongside a World War II kamikaze pilot, who is still fighting the Yankee menace in the Pacific. A Bernie supporter, still fighting the Democrat primary election, stands on the periphery yelling “Rigged!” at the group through a biodegradable megaphone.

So what is the Marshows’ prognosis?

The doctor continued talking. “The intervention of family and friends would help chances of a full recovery. After, they could stop here and purchase a key ring or postcard. Or a collectible Viking sword for the kids, so they can cut off the heads of enemies in battle.”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.

The Final Days?

January 15, 2017


For a little over a year, life for Forestville and Bristol democrats has been tough.

First, the Mayor was re-elected.

Then, Calvin moved out of his district and the world nearly ended.

Later, it was learned the mayor had an inappropriate relationship with a city employee (prior to becoming mayor), threatened another; apologized and then took anger management classes. Much to the democrats chagrin, he remains popular.

In November, Bristol’s three legislative republicans were easily re-elected to the state legislature.

And by the end of the week, Trump will be president.

Depressed, democrats are being prescribed record amounts of antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft and Desyrel and Xanax to cope. “Eighteen months ago one out of every two democrats were taking antidepressants. Now, it is two out of every four. That’s a fifty percent increase,” said Forestville CPA, Chandler Juliet.

Those not taking antidepressants, or Benzedrine for that matter to just get through another day, are meditating as a coping strategy.

Several democrats that no one ever really listens to however, feel cognitive behavioral therapy should be offered first and used in conjunction with counseling rather than pills or meditation. “We have to do something,” said Limping Larry. “You can only take so many pills and do so many sun salutations and chakras.”

Dr. Emma Glockenspiel, a rank and file democrat speaking from the comforts of her solarium, believes they should go in another direction. “I encourage party members to remain positive, breath deep, listen to music, read poetry and go for nature walks before the planet is engulfed in ash and fire and ruin and before there is no food, no water and no heat; nothing but destruction and extinction due to Trump, the republicans and their policies. More tea?”

Recently, on a chilly and windy night, Bristol Democratic Chairman Dean Kilbourne, speaking at a banquet at Nuchie’s, looked to the future. “While others foresee see apocalypse and Armageddon I see hope. As Shakespeare once said ‘The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope.’”

“Hope is the St. Paul baseball team winning their first state title in 40 years. Hope is The Bristol Beat providing Bristol a radio station. Hope is the Bristol Art Squad enriching our community. And hope is a leader that will find workable solutions to the challenges we face; a leader that says, ‘we and not I’, and a leader that as President Kennedy once proclaimed, ‘Not seek to fix blame for the past – but accept our own responsibility for the future.’ It is therefore, my pleasure to introduce the next mayor of Bristol”……..

It was then that the power suddenly went out due to a wind gust leaving everyone in the dark.

· · · – – – · · ·


Trump Pressers to be on Pay-Per-View

January 13, 2017


Last Wednesday’s press conference pitted Donald Trump against CNN reporter Jim Accosta and the reviews say it was a smash hit. Therefore Trump’s office announced a new schedule of press conferences to be held at various venues around the country on pay-per-view.

The schedule will be arranged by Linda McMahon, Trump nominee for Small Business Administration head and past CEO of the professional wrestling organization WWE.

The next press conference scheduled for February 20th is expected to continue the CNN/Trump feud storyline. The plan calls for Accosta to badger Trump and Trump to taunt and mock Accosta and CNN. It is expected to do large pay-per-view buys especially in the international markets like China and Russia.

The undercard features The Undertaker vs. Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper vs. Kathy Griffin. “Kathy’s embarrassed me on my New Year’s Eve show one too many times,” Cooper said. “No more Mr. Nice Gay!”

Bullies Rejoice: Bullypalooza Comes To Forestville!

January 12, 2017


The annual festival Bullypalooza which promotes and preserves the art of bullying, will be held March 18th and 19th at the Forestville Social Club. Forestville beat out other candidate towns in the United States to host the event after the mayor and a few of his friends paid a visit to those towns’ mayors.

This year’s festival features panel discussions on topics like “What If They Don’t Say ‘Uncle’?,” “The Ancient Art Of Noogies,” and “Verbal Putdowns: Rethinking The ‘Your Mama Is So Fat’ Paradigm.” A special session on “The Future of Bullying” will explore the use of robots to fill in for the busy bully-on-the-go who can’t always bully in person.

Guest speakers include Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel, Governor Chris Christie, Biff Tanner and those two kids from “A Christmas Story,” who will deliver a motivational speech on loudly tormenting kids after school.

A job fair will also be held. Participants will get information on bully-friendly vocations like creepy clown, opinionated loudmouth and investment banker.

Event organizer Dawn Mullins took time out from mercilessly teasing a woman about her ugly hairdo to speak to Boardman. “For the past few years, bullies have been criticized and made to feel worthless. At Bullypalooza we create a safe space for them to hugely boost their self-esteem and feel less afraid to push around the meek and the timid who are, let’s face it people, losers.”

But the festival is not just for bullies. Hans Glum has been picked on all his life, but plans to attend even though he is a four-eyes with a name that rhymes with “dumb.” Says Mr. Glum, “I hope by attending that I will finally find out why I can’t stop hitting myself.” He also looks like his mom still dresses him.

Simsbury’s top chef Christopher Prosperi will prepare food for the event. “I can’t say I support Bullypalooza,” he says, “But they told me if I didn’t help them, they’d steal my customers’ lunch money.”

Tickets for Bullypalooza are available at Ticketmaster or by stealing them from nerds waiting to get in on the day of the event.

Trump Learning How to Smile

January 11, 2017


Donald Trump has shown he has no ability to smile or even laugh unless he is insulting or humiliating someone. Members of his transition team are worried about this personality trait so they have enlisted the help of his oldest daughter Ivanka to teach him how to smile.

Ivanka earnestly arrives early each day and shows the president-elect step by step instructions on how to reshape his mouth by expanding the corners laterally, and then turning them up exposing his teeth. “Because he behaves like a child and his short attention span, she approaches him like a toddler with warmth, joy and enthusiasm, but he just sits there with that sulking look of his,” said a source that is neither familiar with the situation nor associated with Trump, his transition team or the family.

His reluctance to learn how to smile and his rejection of spontaneous laughter unless at someone else’s expense, suggests his presidential demeanor will be dour and condescending.

Advisors say once he learns the mechanics of smiling they will concentrate on teaching the intricacies and nuances of laughing and laughter. Currently he only laughs at his own jokes, which are usually not funny and at the expense of someone he has insulted or demeaned.

At a minimum associates say he will learn how to laugh or at least how to fake a laugh. “Trump faked caring about people of lesser means throughout the campaign so there is reason to believe he can learn how to fake a laugh or a smile while president,” said a source that has an ax to grind against Trump, his transition team and the family.