Breaking News: Local Man Has Headache

February 25, 2017


Forestville resident Mitchell Luby complained of a constant but dull pain in his head Friday. Co-workers said the headache caused him to leave work early. Although the source or cause of the headache at this hour remains unknown it is not believed to be work related.

Mr. Luby’s status is listed as day to day. The Bristol Press and Bristol Observer are aware of this story but declined to file reports.

In an unrelated matter, a local writer was working on a new article for his blog yesterday and suddenly stopped writing in mid sentennce because h

Malloy’s Austerity Plan for the XL Center

February 23, 2017


With the state under enormous fiscal pressure, Governor Malloy introduced an austerity plan patterned after the successful Greek one that led Greece to face bankruptcy only a second time. 

In an effort to reduce spending, Malloy would eliminate property and income tax credits for the poor and middle class, reduce aid to cities and spend $250 million for the installation of a gold-encrusted governor’s box in the XL Center.  He claims the box will pay for itself over the next hundred years.  If not, he will set fire to the arena for the insurance money.

The XL Center redesign is part of an overall upgrade designed to lure the New York Islanders hockey franchise to Hartford.  He assured diehard Islanders fans that should the team move, there would be no changes to the team at all, except that the jerseys would be green and white and they would be called the “Hartford Whalers.”  Also, all New Yorkers would be banned.

The city’s minor league hockey team, the Hartford Wolfpack, would be pushed out of the XL Center to the Bolton Ice Palace where they would play their games after Learn To Skate class on Mondays.  Malloy claims the Palace will give the Wolfpack a great deal on skate rentals.

Malloy’s bid for a pro sports team to move here follows his successful relocation of the New Britain Rock Cats baseball team to Hartford under the catchy new name, the grazing “Yard Goats.”  Unlike that deal, Malloy has promised the Islanders they would indeed have a place to host their games.  Also, the team would get free Kevlar vests and bulletproof cars for travel into and out of Hartford.

“The team is considering the deal,” said a spokesman for the Islanders, shortly before he was checked into a set of chairs by a New York Rangers player.

Milo Yiannopoulos to Write for Boardman

February 22, 2017


Provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos resigned from BreitBart after controversial remarks he made in a video feed were revealed, which he says were deceptively edited and taken out of context. 

The gay free-speech activist said that he now realizes that giving politically incorrect speeches is far more absorbing than being BreitBart’s technology editor, where he spent his time outing Pepper the Robot and IBM’s Watson.  He announced he would instead work on a new platform for news.  It can now be revealed this platform is the Alan Boardman column.

According to anonymous sources at Boardman like this reporter, the revelation triggered several Boardman journalists, causing them to clutch their pearls and dash off to make protest signs.  One even filed a workman’s comp claim against Boardman for pre-traumatic stress resulting from anticipated sarcasm, irony and wit by Milo.

The head of the office NCAA pool was particularly upset.  “Hiring Milo violates my fourth and fifth amendment rights to not be offended by someone like Milo and not be hit by boulders.  That’s what my nursery school teacher told me.  I’m afraid of boulders.”

Another Boardman employee who answers to “Bob” was found hiding in his safe space in the cold storage room at Nuchie’s Pizza.

“I worry Milo will lampoon the fact I self-identify as a sexually ambiguous penguin,” said Bob.  He then made a few penguin noises before downing a few whole anchovies.

Story is developing…

Actually, it’s not.  The people affected are fired.

VP Pence Misled Again, This Time Regarding a Pizza

February 22, 2017


Media reports have harped on apparent differences in what Trump says and his subordinates say.

In a recent example, his U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley expressed U.S. support for a two-state solution to settle the Israeli and Palestinian conflict. The president said he was flexible on how many a state-solution it ends up to be. This contradiction led Governor Jerry Brown to hope Haley’s two-state solution was about the U.S. and California.

The problem became acute last night when Vice President Pence went to pick up what he thought would be an extra-large sausage and pepper pizza, only to discover Trump changed the order to two large pineapple and pepperoni.

Enemy of the American people

Enemy of the American people

In a subsequent interview, Pence said it wasn’t Trump who changed the order, but ex-national security adviser Micheal Flynn. “I was disappointed to have been once again misled,” Pence added. “Pineapple on pizza? That’s the enemy of the American people.”

Forestville Braces for Moderate Day of Weather

February 21, 2017


A cloudy day will slam Forestville all day Wednesday, according to the National Weather Service.

Forecasters are calling for temperatures in the 50s with a slight chance of a rain shower. The National Weather Service is predicting as much as an eighth of an inch of precipitation is possible. Winds will be light and variable.

Motorists are reminded, if you must travel, keep an extra flashlight, food, and water in your vehicle in case of an emergency.

The flight-tracking site FlightAware has not listed any cancellations of flights out of Bradley International Airport yet. However, the airport urged travelers to check with their carriers about their flight status.

The DOT is encouraging travelers to make informed decisions before hitting the roads.

Residents flocked to grocery stores Tuesday night in anticipation of the sun being obscured by clouds to stock up on bread, milk and related items.

Mayor Against State Mandate for Firehouse Dalmatians

February 21, 2017


Due to financial concerns the mayor testified last week at the Legislative Office Building against a state mandate that would provide workers compensation coverage for first responders suffering from PTSD.

Following his testimony, the mayor also came out against a state mandate for firehouse Dalmatians as well. “I am grateful for the services Dalmatians provide for our firehouses, but I don’t believe municipalities should be required to feed them. They can eat table scraps or beg. They are dogs so they knew the deal when they signed up.”

He also expressed concern for the costs associated with the animals. “Do you know how much a dog costs? Lots. Grooming, vet visits, doggy daycare. It is a system mired in fraud.”

The mayor is also worried that an unfunded mandate for Dalmatians will result in other mandates as well. “If we are forced to pay for the fire department’s dog then we’ll be required to pay for the Public Works wombat, the Tax Office badger and the Water Department’s pufferfish. In case you didn’t notice I do not like to spend money unless it is my idea.”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.

Newly Appointed National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster in Trouble Already

February 20, 2017


President Trump named a new National Security Adviser to replace Michael Flynn.

As reported last week by Boardman, Flynn was fired after misleading Vice President Pence about a phone conversation with a Russian diplomat and for not hanging up his coat in the White House cloak room, just leaving it on a chair, table or wherever was convenient, leading to water marks on the furniture and upholstery.

While the new National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster may have better habits with his coat, he still may not be around for long. The Lt. General wrote a book critical of LBJ and the Vietnam War. In response, rumor has it that LBJ has secretly ordered a hit on McMaster from the grave again using Lee Harvey Oswald, warns Alex Jones of Info Wars.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.