Political Parties Gearing up for Local Elections

September 24, 2016


The local political parties are readying for the elections in November. They have made plans, assembled their teams, developed their ideas and established their fundraising. Now all that remains are the dirty tricks.

Strategists say they are readying for the mudslinging and negative campaigning. Said one, “We are getting our rhetoric ready including name calling, leaking damming information and planting false stories in the newspaper and social media. We can’t wait!”

Many techniques are implemented from distorting an opponent’s record to just simply lying. Veterans of negative campaigning say it stirs up the base and exploits the fears of the politically unaware.

One operative of many smear campaigns remarked, “When in doubt make them look like the criminal and corrupt individuals that they are or they are going to be.”

Campaign managers are not concerned about the effects of negative campaigning from voters. According to one, “ There is no need to worry about the backlash of calling the opposing candidate a pig, leach or a malodorous sewer because most voters don’t pay attention, don’t care or know it to be true.”

Paranobel Season Set to Start

September 24, 2016


Just as the Olympics have the Paralympics, so too does the Nobel Prize have the Paranobel Prize. As with the Paralympics, the Paranobel Prizes recognize outstanding research performed by people with disabilities.

So far two winners have been announced. Mr. Mo Bethune, a dementia patient, nabbed the award for Literature with his self-published book, “rThe,Top hutterwerlasdfkljkl%$! qwerty”. The postmodernist treatise showcased an avant-garde disdain for traditionalist coherence and complete sentences. Critics loved the book, although they are still unsure if it tells the story of the War of 1812 or how to cure pneumonia in ducks. Asked to explain, a bewildered Mr. Bethune said, “I wrote a book?”

The second winner, Mr. JoJo Spacey who suffers from a rare form of silliness, took the Prize in Mathematics for solving the age-old problem of what does 2 + 2 equal. Mr. Spacey said that now with this solution in hand, it will allow further advances in the field of mathematics for other silly people, such as learning what 2 x 2 equals or the big question, “What comes after fiveteen?” He went on to thank his parents before running around the parking lot pretending to be an airplane.

Others wait for announcements in other categories. One is Angie Pesterman whose disability is not that she has one hand, but that she keeps it in a bucket of paint while making bird sounds. She is expected to add a Paranobel Prize to the Pulitzer she already took home for Best Commentary. With that double, experts say she’s a shoo-in to run the editorial department of the New York Times.

50 Shades of Gray and Boring

September 22, 2016


The Bristol Art Squad, a group of local artists who transformed gray traffic control boxes around town into works of art were recently told the project was on hold. The Bristol Board of Police Commissioners, after receiving complaints that the art was “offensive”, voted to discontinue the project for now.

“We prefer the gray traffic boxes. They blend in better with the city,” the commissioners said. “Gray is the color of fog, neutrality and boredom. It is devoid of color. There are those that would say that’s some of our residents.”

One member of the Art Squad, Lieutenant Bob Arnold, who signs his works with two swirls and an ampersand, complains that it’s unfair to rookies in the Squad for whom painting the boxes is their first assignment on the streets. “Usually they are out on patrol, keeping our streets free of bad art. This cancellation sends the wrong message. Makes them keep their Number 14 camel-hair brushes in their holsters.”

Dull, dreary and boring good for Bristol

Dull, dreary and boring good for Bristol

The city is worried about the effect keeping the boxes gray will have. Said one dissenting commissioner, “What if the color-blind find the gray boxes offensive? What do we do then?”

Supporters of the Squad expressed their anger. “The mayor has gotten complaints about him, but he is still around. Someone complains about the boxes and they have to go. Does that make sense?”

A special meeting might be held next week to discuss their fate.

What Constitutes Terrorism?

September 21, 2016


People are confused about what constitutes terrorism these days. In response, the Obama Justice Department released guidelines regarding the updated definition of terror. They are:

1 – The act of terror must be committed and completed by more than two suspects

2 – All suspects must submit to mandatory drug testing

3 – Suspects must be over the age of 18, at least five-feet tall and not have trained with the Russian Olympics organization who are banned by the IOC from engaging in terrorism (See Rule #2)

4 – Suspects who participated in any previous act of terror in the U.S. or throughout the known world may be ruled ineligible

5 – Suspects must be members of an officially accredited terror group

6 – The act must be sponsored and approved in advance by the terror group and notarized by a county clerk on a Tuesday. If it is notarized on a Wednesday, they may receive a waiver provided they fill in Form 32C-B and file it with the Evil Bastards Division of the FBI.

7 – The terror group must claim responsibility within two hours on Twitter or forfeit all bragging rights

8 – The act of terror must not infringe on the copyright of any other act of terror

9 – Suspects must sign an affidavit stating that the act has nothing to do with Islam. Copies of this form are available in English and Arabic prefaced by a Surah.

If these conditions are met, then the act of violence will be labeled terrorism and the Tea Party or Donald Trump will be blamed.

The president was quick to reassure everyone that thanks to these stringent guidelines, no acts of terror have been committed on U.S. soil since he’s been in office.

Candidates Seeking Unconventional Endorsements

September 20, 2016


Local candidates seeking elective office normally covet endorsements from unions, community organizations, teachers and newspapers.

But 2016 is proving to be an unconventional election year so office seekers are vying for endorsements from unconventional sources.

For example Mike Nicastro, running for the 31st District Senate Seat, is seeking the endorsement from the Bristol Stich Club. While showing a firm grasp of the Continental Method of knitting, Mr. Nicastro spoke about the economy, job creation and the textile industry much to the delight of the darners.

Not to be outdone, the incumbent Henri Martin sat down with the group too and gave a similar speech. While showing adapt skills at the American Method of stitching, he knit and purled his way to a cute coffee cozy.


In the 77th, Laura Bartok likes to read books so she is hoping the Bristol Public Library will endorse her. To that end, if elected, she promised library patrons she would urge the Friends of the Library and the Bristol Public Library to be more than just “friends.”

Her opponent Cara Pavalock, the Republican candidate and incumbent, wants the endorsement of the Stop & Shop Deli on Pine Street. Ms. Pavalock promised the deli clerks that if they endorsed her she would sponsor legislation allowing customers to get their deli tickets from StubHub so long lines could be avoided.

Over on the other end of town in the 79th district, Peter Del Mastro and Chris Ziogas are locked in a tough battle where every vote will matter. Therefore, in an attempt to appeal to voters that do not like politics or being bothered, neither candidate is actively campaigning or placing any signs around town to prove that they are one of them.

Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive 2016 election coverage.

Recent Developments in the Presidential Race: Hillary Doing Fine

September 17, 2016


Following concerns over presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s health, a consensus of doctors and global warming scientists declare that Mrs. Clinton is fit to continue her election run. The concerns erupted after incidents where the former Secretary of State suffered long repeated coughing fits, had trouble mounting stairs and almost collapsed while suffering from influenza.

One doctor, Dr. George Whiteman said, “There is no question that for a person in her 70s with influenza, balance issues and a persistent cough, she is in excellent shape. We have no reason to worry about her health.”

However new worries emerged when a camera caught a stiff Mrs. Clinton hitting signs and light posts as campaign aides carried her into a waiting limo. This has led to speculation that she is now dead.

Clinton staffer Huma Abedin called the allegations “absurd” and that her doctors say “it’s normal for anyone who suffered influenza to appear dead.” She made the comments to reporters, while Mrs. Clinton relaxed in the background, lying stiffly on a couch in what Mrs. Aberdin said was an intense yoga position.

One Clinton supporter railed against the media speculation. “She’s the most qualified person to be president. If she’s dead too, that only adds to her resume. Our greatest presidents are also dead, but no one holds that against them. It’s probably because they’re men.”

For now, Mrs. Clinton is canceling all public appearances until further notice to rest up “and get some life back in her legs.”

Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive 2016 election coverage.

Trump’s Tribute to Himself Coming to Forestville

September 16, 2016

A six foot high portrait of Donald Trump that his wife purchased in 2007 for $20,000 at a charity auction is now traveling the country, and is scheduled to visit Forestville September 23 through 25 in Peck Park.

Thousands of Trump worshippers are expected to descend upon the tiny park for a once in a lifetime opportunity to see the traveling tribute to Trump, which Trump calls, “The Traveling Tribute to Me.”

According to the Trump Foundation, which is sponsoring the tour, “The purpose of the tribute is to recognize the service and sacrifice Donald Trump has made building buildings and golf courses, and mark the 9th anniversary of the purchase of the painting.”

The Trump Foundation wants admirers of Mr. Trump’s bragging, bullying, vengefulness, insecurities and narcissism, to flock to the painting so it can be adored, worshipped and deified like it were the Shroud of Turin.

A series of events are scheduled while the painting is here, including sales of his books, photos with the painting and opportunities to extol, adulate and fawn over all things Trump.

The event will also feature special guests Ray Bonner, who nearly shook Mr. Trump’s hand in the 1980s, and Al Cooper who once saw the Trump motorcade on TV. They will be available for autographs, photos and Q&A.

Hours for “The Traveling Tribute to Me” are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. all weekend.