H.R. McMaster Moving to Forestville Too

March 23, 2018

On the same day that Bruce Springsteen announced he is extending his Broadway run, and Stephen’s AutoMall reduced the price of a 2009 Pontiac Vibe by $500, the White House announced Trump is replacing national security adviser H.R. McMaster with the former U.N. Ambassador, John Bolton.

In a statement, McMaster said he would retire from the U.S. Army effective this summer, and then immediately move to Forestville.

A source says General McMaster is looking at a 3 bedroom, 1 bath | Single Family Home near Peck Park. “I am look forward to bowling at Spare Time, and attending American Legion baseball games at Muzzy Field,” Mr. McMaster told Boardman.

General McMaster joins other Trump refugees that have moved to the area including Rex Tillerson, Gary Cohn, Sean Spicer and Stormy Daniels.

With regard to Mr. Bolton, he is the first person in the Trump administration to look like a train conductor.

As Boardman went to press, no word from Stephen’s if they plan on reducing the price of that GMC Sierra I was looking at the other day.


Bristol Blues Announce 2018 Promotional Dates

March 22, 2018

Yesterday, the Bristol Blues announced their promotional schedule for the 2018 season, which features several unique gimmicks to entice fans to the ballpark. A quick review shows last year’s much hated “Prohibition Night” was annexed, which will make fans and beer venders happy.

Below is a partial list of the 2018 promotion dates. Additional dates could be added and will be reported here should they become available.

Friday June 8, Political Correctness Night

The Blues kick off their promotional events with Political Correctness Night! It will be a night of baseball, fun and neutral words.

For example, the first baseman will be referred to as the first base person. Likewise, for the second base person and the third base person too.

Errors will not be recorded in the scorebook and instead they will be referred to as a “Deficiency Achievement”.

The “batboy’ will be known as the bat retrieval person.

Booing or rather “alternate cheering” will not be allowed.

All players and fans alike will receive participation trophies at the conclusion of the game.

Saturday June 23, Doomsday Prepper Night

When the world comes to an end why not be prepared? As a result, the first 100 fans to buy soda will receive a Bristol Blues Doomsday Prepper Bug Out Bag!

Each bug out bag includes a hand crank radio, MRE’s, a colorful gas mask, powdered water, 2 Potassium Iodide Tablets and a Bristol Blues Foam Finger.

Saturday July 7, Non-disclosure Agreement Night

All fans attending the game must sign a Non-disclosure agreement (NDA). Fans can watch the game and enjoy the game, but with the NDA in place they are strictly prohibited from discussing or disseminating any information about the game unless they receive written consent of the Bristol Blues, the FCBL or Major League Baseball.

Saturday July 21, TSA Pat-down Night

That’s right every fan over the age of 21 coming through the gates will be subjected to an “enhanced” TSA Pat-down like they are on a government watch list. The civil liberties and legal groping issues will take place at all entrances and food and souvenir lines as well.

Questions like “Can you do that again?” or “What are you doing later” will not be viewed as “funny.”

Attendance is expected to be well below average for the evening.

Friday July 27, Second Amendment Night

Join the Blues Friday July 27th at Second Amendment Night! Every fan over the age of 18 will receive a copy of the Second Amendment courtesy of the Bristol Gun Club. It is all there, “A well regulated Militia,” blah, blah, blah. You know the words. Well, at least the first part anyway.

Also, included is Federalist No. 46, a metal ammo case and some thoughts and prayers too just in case.

The Bristol Blues are a member of the Futures Collegiate Baseball League of New England and play at Muzzy Field.

That’s it I am done.

Another Nor’Easter Coming to Forestville But First…

March 21, 2018

A Winter Storm Warning is in effect for the village of Forestville today as a nor’easter is bearing down on the ville. This is the first nor’easter since the last the last nor’easter. How much snow is expected? We will let you know right after this message from the State of Connecticut Tourism Division.

Are you considering a move? Then consider the state of Connecticut!

The state of Connecticut has a great moderate climate, four seasons and plenty of hills, all complimentary.

Sure, other states my brag about highway projects that finish within one generation, lower gasoline taxes, and less regulation, but Connecticut is the only state that has four different vowels and four syllables. So, while other states may have better schools, reduced liability costs, and lower taxes. And while other states may have shorter names, the state of Connecticut offers you a great view of trees! Did you know the leaves change color in the fall too?

So, come to Connecticut. We are half-way between Boston and New York City!

A major nor’easter has its sights set on Forestville and Bristol so a Winter Storm Warning is in effect for Forestville and Bristol for Wednesday and into early Thursday.

Satellite images show a weather event will happen today and result in a significant accumulation of snow so roads will have to be plowed. We will let you know which roads will be plowed, and how much snow is expected right after this.

You’ve just had a hard day at work and now it’s time to unwind.

Why not crack open a can of Schlock Beer?

Schlock Beer; No flavor, no taste, just schlock. Because sometimes you just want to get drunk and you don’t care how!

In case you missed it: A massive winter storm is headed east so the National Weather Service has issued a Winter Storm Warning for the entire village of Forestville, Bristol and the state of Connecticut!

Snow is expected to fall from the sky and land on the ground resulting in the roads having to be plowed with driveways, and sidewalks to be shoveled too.

The wind will be from the east and then the northwest, but later from the south and then the north. The causes of wind, which roads are to be plowed and how much snow is expected are coming up. But first this:

You haven’t been able to sleep for weeks and you’re tired.

You’ve tried everything but nothing seems to work. Well now there is hope, hope in the form of a little tablet called, Coma.

Coma, the sleep tablet, provides a state of deep, prolonged unconsciousness.

Contrary to common belief Coma is not a poison.

And, while it’s not an “illegal” drug it should not be used by women that are pregnant, lactating mothers or people that are not mentally fit.

Coma, the sleep tablet, is a long-term sleep solution resulting in excessive sedation, amnesia and brain activity that could be considered “unreliable”.

60 million Americans suffer from a sleep disorder, why should you be one of them?

Think Coma, a long term medical answer to a short-term medical problem.

To recap, a snowstorm of biblical proportions will batter the entire village of Forestville, Bristol, the state of Connecticut and New England Wednesday, Thursday and maybe forever!

This storm will result in massive power outages, death, general chaos and the region being wiped from the map!

What cities and towns will no longer exist? Who will lose power? Who will die? What roads will be plowed? What does snow look like and how much snow is expected and when are still to come. Plus, traffic and a funny cat story but first these words from…

The Sore LoserPaLooza Comes to Forestville

March 20, 2018

Sore LoserPalooza is coming to the green near the Forestville Train Station this June 9th and 10th. That’s right, sore Losers, whiners and poor sports alike can complain, name call and blame others for their discontent without being judged.

If you are bitter, angry, always point the finger and never own your troubles or defeats, and; you never look inward like a normal person, then this is the place for you!

Sore LoserPalooza is a two-day bitch fest for athletes, politicians, office workers and shut-ins to blame others and insult rivals.

In addition to the blaming anyone but themselves mantra, sore losers can play interactive video games such as Scapegoat. Scapegoat is an arcade style game with a large video screen and sound system where players conquer the world, and inevitably lose but it is not their fault so they get to pick the scapegoat!

Venders will be on hand too selling crying towels, tissues AND the best selling book The Blame Game: How the World is Out to Get You.

In keeping with the anger and doom and gloom of the attendees, there will be music from the likes of Depeche Mode, The Smiths and The Cure.

The VIP guest list is still to be announced but past speakers include: Tom Brady, Cam Newton and Sergio Garcia.

Admission is free but tickets are ten bucks.

National Observance Week Fails To Garner Observers

March 19, 2018

Polls show people were unaware that February 26 – March 2 was National Invasive Species Awareness Week. Said invasive species awarer Morris Envy, “We’re sad. The public must be better informed about the great contributions that undocumented plant and animal immigrants make to our environment.”

In related news, plans to commemorate National Introverts Week were scuttled when organizers discovered there would be cameras at the event. A march for National White Chocolate Cheesecake Day was also canceled when their leader was unable to fit through the door of her house.

Forestville Shocked, Trump Jr., Getting Divorced

March 18, 2018

Residents of Forestville awoke Thursday morning to the startling news that Vanessa Trump filed for divorce from her husband Donald Trump Jr, after 12 years of marriage.

Many citizens were shocked at the news.

“This is shocking,” said one.

Added another, “I didn’t see this coming. He seems like such a nice well-behaved young boy like his dad.”


Red Cross volunteers provided aid and comfort to several individuals who were impacted by the news Saturday by giving them “Make America Great Again Hats”. More volunteers are expected in the area by Monday with more hats and in a variety of colors as well. “Our thoughts and prayers are with those adversely affected by this devastating news,” the Red Cross said in a statement. “In the meantime we hope these hats help.”

Many residents were grief stricken so they hugged and offered each other condolences. “We have to be supportive,” said Latham Eikel, a Trump supporter. “Trump Jr., has done so much for so many like…and there is uh…well trust me he cares about people so people should care about him.”

The right leaning Facebook page Bristol Complains, while posting humorous images and rants denouncing anything associated with democrats, urged the public to be respectful of the Trump family during this time because they have been so respectful of others themselves.

A candlelight vigil will be held on the Memorial Boulevard School property tonight. There will be a moment of silence as names of the Trump family will be read aloud.

Venders will be on the property too selling Trump merchandise such as hats, coffee mugs, water bottles, t-shirts, coins, buttons, socks, cologne, bicycle shorts, and cremation urns.

Local Man in Foul Mood, Leaves Work Early

March 16, 2018

Thursday afternoon Forestville resident Sebastian Goo left work early because he was in an ornery mood.

According to his colleagues, Mr. Goo gave stiff and stilted responses such as, “fine” and “good” when asked routine questions about his disposition throughout the morning and early afternoon.

Goo left his post at approximately 2PM and reportedly went home and remained glum while watching cable news, which further contributed to his rotten mood.

The source of his poor attitude remains unknown, but his associates suspect it is related to an issue outside of work.

The normally talkative Mr. Goo is tight lipped about the matter only saying, “I left work and went to the desert so to speak and did some peyote to clear my head.”

Worried co-workers said in a statement they support their friend and colleague, and believe he will report to work Friday morning with an improved attitude.

If Goo were to resign, his associates say there will be bitter fights over his stapler, and other related office equipment that is on his desk and viewed upon with envious eyes.