Climate Expert: Rainbows Are Killing The Planet

April 28, 2016
Killing the planet?

Killing the planet?

While some weather watchers fret about a manmade global warming apocalypse, one Connecticut scientist in Central Connecticut State University’s Department of Weather, Dr. Sheila Clebourne eyes a different threat. The climate change specialist is alarmed by an increase in man-caused rainbows.

“Rainbows are a trick of light caused by water vapor. When people sneeze, they emit water vapor. With more people sneezing due to higher pollen counts, we get rainbows of epidemic proportions,” she said in a recent lecture to her children.

But are more rainbows dangerous?

Dr. Clebourne suspects so. A recent article in the Greenpeace lifestyle magazine, “Stone Age Living”, points to research that high levels of rainbow activity causes disorientation in birds, making them fly into trees, parked cars and minor celebrities like Fabio. The condition known as TMR or “Too Many Rainbows” syndrome also causes unreasonable euphoria in humans.

Stone Age Mag 05

“I feel happy when I see a rainbow,” one Forestville resident said. “I don’t know why. It’s very upsetting.”

Greenland researcher and taxi driver Cornelius Dabney reports ice core analysis shows the Earth is suffering from the worst pollen levels since the Mesozoic era, when TMR caused ancient relatives of birds, the dinosaurs to continually run into each other and become extinct.

“The cause of this spike in sneezing is allergies from manmade gardening. Community gardens and landscaping are the worst pollen spewers,” Dr. Clebourne notes.

To prevent a massive die-off of birds, she urges cities to adopt no-gardening ordinances, starting with Forestville. As well, she supports fining people based on their pollen footprint. “Think of pollen like secondhand smoke — It’s that bad,” she said. “Unless it’s marijuana smoke. I like that.”

The current occupant of Forestville’s mayor’s office could not be reached for a witty comment.


Political Parties Detail Their Primary Plans for Connecticut

April 25, 2016

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Compared to the wackiness in other states’ primary processes, Republicans in Connecticut have a simpler, more straightforward method of choosing delegates.

Once the primary election results are known, delegates will be proportionately divided amongst candidates whose birthdays fall on a month starting with J. Otherwise, candidates will face off against each other in an arena for the remaining delegates, with extra superdelegates awarded for striking first blood, eating the most pies and best spelling.

On the other side, one delegate is at stake in the Democrat primary election with all the remaining 70 being superdelegates already pledged to Hillary Clinton.

Bernie Sanders could not be reached for comment as he was taking time off to bang his head against a wall.


Paulie the Paperclip Looks to Make Political History

April 24, 2016
Artists rendering of Paulie the Paper Clip

Artists rendering of Paulie the Paperclip

State office seeker Paulie the Paperclip, who announced his candidacy last month, told gathered media Saturday at a fundraiser that he will run in both the 77th and 31st districts representing Bristol/Forestville. “It is probably illegal but what are they going to do investigate me? Please. I’m a paperclip,” Paulie quipped.

The peppy and self-absorbed paperclip said he does not want to hedge his bets so he will run for two seats simultaneously.

Paulie currently works full-time as a paperclip holding sheets of paper together at Landry, Issel and Escalanté, a Forestville consulting firm and that job has allowed him to do a great deal of travel often without warning. He has traveled to Accounting, Payroll, Human Resources and Shipping and Receiving all within the company. “It has allowed me to meet a diverse set of people but more importantly for them to meet me,” the infamous paperclip remarked.

If elected, Paulie boasted he would be not only be the youngest paperclip ever voted into elective office, but the only the paperclip ever voted into elective office. “Don’t vote for me because I have good ideas, vote for me because I am a paperclip so I can make history!”


Curmudgeons of Forestville

April 22, 2016

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A support group meeting for Forestville curmudgeons have canceled their monthly meeting for Saturday after all the members became annoyed and complained that all the members were surly, crusty and miserable human beings not worth their time.


Bristol/Forestville BOE Considers Closing All Schools

April 21, 2016

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Faced with a budget deficit, the Bristol/Forestville Board of Education (BOE) held an emergency meeting Wednesday to find ways to close the anticipated shortfall.

Rumors have been swirling for days that two schools will be closed to save money. However, according to sources with little or no knowledge of the discussions, in order to close the budget gap school administrators have discussed closing all the schools in town as a means to solve the fiscal crisis. “We need to run government like a business starting with education. If something costs money, never makes money and cannot be supported, it should be closed just like a business. Future generations will thank us,” remarked one education official.

Pie Chart Expenditures

Despite the budget issue, the two synthetic turf fields scheduled to be installed and playable by October of 2016 at a cost over 3 million dollars, will still be completed.

BOE spokesperson, Harriet Grayson, announced from her gold-encrusted lectern before heading off to the Caymans to work on the controversy erupting from her name appearing in the Panama Papers, “Athletes need fields to play; students don’t need a school or classroom to learn.”

Education officials said a decision to close all the schools would affect about 8,000 students, currently. In accordance with their Collective Bargaining Agreements – teachers, administrators and staff members would continue to be paid, receive benefits and bonuses even though they would no longer have any pupils.

“Let’s face it, who likes school anyway, am I right?” asked Ms. Grayson. “So kids who otherwise would waste their day learning useless facts about the Ming dynasty or useless skills like how to apply gouache to a canvas, whatever the H that is, can spend their time more fruitfully, getting out there in the labor force earning minimum wage. It’s a good life lesson.”


Forestville Resident Really, Really Enjoys Commerce Clause, Not So Much the Second Amendment

April 18, 2016

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The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution guarantees the right of the people to bear arms. It was ratified as part of the Bill of Rights in 1791 and has been subject to debate ever since. However, Forestville resident Ted Liu is not impressed. “If the right to bear arms is so important, why is it an amendment? The Commerce Clause was there from the get-go in 1789 and is on page one you can’t miss it: Article 1, Section 8, Clause 3.”

The Commerce Clause of the U.S. Constitution gives Congress the power “to regulate commerce with foreign nations, and among the several states, and with the Indian tribes.” It has been tested in court just like the second amendment and just like the second amendment it survives.

For Liu, it’s the best part of the U.S. Constitution, “You don’t need any background check to use it, there are no protests in the streets against it and no one is going to die using it,” he said while polishing his Commerce Clause pin collection to a mirror finish.

Ted wants to start a campaign which will educate, advocate and increase awareness about the Commerce Clause. He believes most citizens are aware of the U.S. Constitution, but oblivious to what is in it other than guns. “My goal is for Americans to become intimate with the Commerce Clause and have a love affair with it just like they do with guns. My friend Tony gets it now so progress has been made, but we still have a long way to go,” he remarked.


Cockyane and Brown to Square Off

April 14, 2016

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Coming off their latest dust up at a town council meeting, Mayor Ken Cockyane and Councilman Calvin Brown will at long last settle their differences with a boxing match scheduled for June 4, 2016, in the Memorial Boulevard Auditorium.

The showdown to settle the coveted RROO (Roberts Rules of Order) belt is being marketed as Calvin “The Pistol from Bristol” Brown against Kenny “The Mayor” Cockayne. Ticket prices range from $10 – $15, with scalpers commanding up to $16 with a 2-for-1 coupon for Spam at Aldi’s.

Promoters have dubbed the fight, “The Beatdown in B-Town”.

Fight fans and registered voters have been clamoring for this bout for a long time. The showdown is expected to draw a capacity crowd to the Boulevard, provided they can get a building inspector to approve the venue.

Ferdie Pacheco, famed fight doctor and cornerman for world heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali, weighed in on the proceedings. “Cockyane’s reach is longer, and he outweighs him. He will do what he does best and bully his opponent.”

Fight commentator Max Kellerman disagreed, “Brown is quick and small and will dart around a lot and grandstand. Cockyane won’t land a punch.”

The undercard will see Bristol Town Committee Chairman Derek Czenczelewski and Bristol Democratic Town Chairman Dean Kilbourne square off in what is expected to be a vicious and brutal steel cage match.

The Cockyane and Brown fight is the first in a series of fights to be held in Bristol. Next month, two philosophy professors from Tunxis Community College will square off to settle once and for all the debate about the existence of freewill in a mixed martial arts match.


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