The Media Wants a Rest

October 21, 2016


The sheer volume and scope of daily revelations about Hillary Clinton’s and Donald Trump’s indiscretions are overwhelming the media.

Wolf Blitzer, host of The Situation Room on CNN, complained to WikiLeaks. “We need to slow down the flow of news. In this campaign news breaks all the time and by the time we fix it, it breaks again. We cannot keep up because we’re exhausted.”

A weary Brian Williams, an MSNBC anchor, told viewers last night from the surface of the moon where he said he was reporting, “News stories about hacked emails, deleted emails, voter fraud, groping women, leaked tax returns, demagoguery and the Specter of Bill Clinton appear almost hourly. They are taking their toll on us. We can only do so much.”

FOX News chief Bill Shine chimed in as well. “We hired more editors, reporters and producers so we could continue fair and balance coverage of Hillary’s missing emails, Hillary’s Benghazi problem, Hillary’s mishandling of classified material, Hillary’s public and private positions on issues, Hillary’s Wall Street speeches, Hillary’s pay-for-play between her foundation and the State Department, and the shrill of Hillary’s voice. We are tired.”

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.

Trump to Dump Hail to the Chief?

October 20, 2016


During the third presidential debate Wednesday night in Las Vegas, Donald Trump said he may not accept the outcome of the election on November 8th. However that is not the only thing he will not accept.

Following the debate Trump stated that if elected he will not use Hail to the Chief as the presidential anthem. “That song was written in the Nineteenth Century. I am not a fan of the Nineteenth Century because it was so lame. It was really, really lame; totally lame a waste of time really. I can’t be associated with it.”

Hail to the Chief was played at the inauguration of Martin Van Buren in 1837, and is regarded as fanfare or ceremonial music for distinguished people. “We’re going to come up with a much better song written in the Twenty-First Century. I’ve got the best songwriters, composers and musicians working for me. You’ve never heard of them or their music but they are the best. Believe me folks. The song will be so good,” Trump told reporters.

Trump also said he will not have the Presidential Seal on the podium when he speaks or on his correspondence. “The current design goes back to Rutherford B. Hayes. Who is he some dead president? I don’t like dead people. Dead people are boring and total losers. I like people that are not dead,” Trump said.

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.

Creepy Clown Phenomenon Linked to Hillary’s Campaign

October 19, 2016


Reports of creepy clowns attacking people have now been linked to Hillary Clinton. A review of hacked emails from her staffers released by Wikileaks shows the Clinton campaign created the creepy clown craze to get the public’s attention off of Mrs. Clinton’s email scandal.

Timeline at a glance:

10,000 B.C.: First known cave paintings of creepy-looking clowns

XXX: Investigation into the withholding of e-mails by Hillary Clinton from congressional investigation begins

March 2015: Wikileaks e-mails show Clinton campaign strategizing on withholding or deleting e-mails

Oct. 6, 2015: McDonald’s introduces all-day breakfast

July 5, 2016: An FBI investigation concludes that Mrs. Clinton mishandled classified documents and destroyed material requested under subpoena

July 6, 2016: Attorney General Loretta Lynch announces no charges would be filed against Mrs. Clinton

July – August, 2016: The nation expresses outrage over the double standard applied to Mrs. Clinton and joy over National Blueberry Month

August 1, 2016: First report of creepy clowns terrorizing the public in Wisconsin

Aug. 29, 2016: South Carolina, residents report clowns trying to lure their children into the woods with candy and a meet-and-greet with Bill Clinton.

Suspicions of Hillary involvement begin

Sept. 4, 2016: The other Carolina gets a clown

September 25, 1066: Harold leads the Normans to conquer England

Oct. 10, 2016: Despite the presence of another hacked Clinton campaign server — this time hacked by a medieval broadax — Harold denies his hordes are interfering in Hillary’s election run through Norman psy-ops

Oct. 16, 2016: The Guardian reports creepy clown craze reaches “fever pitch”

Oct. 19, 2016: Boardman site becomes the first media outlet to link creepy clowns and Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.

Debate Review

October 18, 2016


The Bristol Chamber of Commerce hosted a debate for local state Senate and House of Representatives candidates Monday night at St. Paul. Due to a prior obligation I was not able to attend. However, The Mole did and here are his observations.

All times EDT

Lots of local celebrities here mingling. Politicians, Facebook stars and big shots. I left my autograph book at home. Bummer.

Debate starts. Did I turn off the lights at the house?

Laura Bartok’s opening statement is really….oooo. My stomach is queasy. Wonder if the bathroom is occupied right now?

Feeling better but lost my seat. What did I miss?

Good sign. Unlike the mayoral debate here last year, no constant ruffling of papers by one of the participants.

Henri Martin reminds me of Harry Truman. Give’em hell Henri!

Time to play Words With Friends because he really isn’t answering the question. What was the question?

30 point Word! Sweet!

Nicastro! Wait for it…Beep! Beep! Beep! What is it with that buzzer?

Pretty sure I turned the lights off.


Hard to see right now. Chasing a couple of Skittles I dropped under my seat.

Great now I have a searing headache. Checking with the women next to me for Tylenol. Oh man I think she fell asleep. Should I wake her? She appears to be a reporter.

Now she’s hushing me. She’s the one who fell asleep in the first place!

Possibly the most personally frustrating debate I’ve ever been to. I could go for a sandwich. This is a high school. Is the caf open? Maybe they have some pimento bread.

How hard would it be to call a timeout right now and ask the moderator to repeat the last question?

Just got the word from two rows back the caf is not open. Major buzzkill.

Losing interest.

Press photographer is leaving he’s had it.

Is this debate still going on? Wish someone would text me. I never get texts when I want them. I definitely didn’t finish brushing my teeth before coming here. I can feel a bit of food right under my gum.

Mr. Del Mastro is about to make his closing comments. He speaks very well and has a few ideas worth considering. It is a good idea that he didn’t….uh oh spoke too soon. He whipped out a piece a paper. Oh Jesus here it comes brace for impact another manifesto.

There is no way I turned the lights off because they are on a timer and it’s broken. Time to go.

The Mole

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.

Chamber of Commerce Spicing Up Monday’s Debate

October 16, 2016
Debate site

Debate site

Because the campaigns for the State Senate and House have been boring, the Bristol Chamber of Commerce fears the debate scheduled for October 17th at St. Paul Catholic High School will be dull as well.

In order to increase public interest, the Chamber has planned several important changes to raise the stakes of the contest.

The first part of the debate will be held inside a steel cage. Midway through, a starving lion will be released into the cage. Debate participants will have 20 seconds to figure out a way to escape before getting eaten.

Even money is on Republicans Betts, Martin, Pavalock and Del Mastro to survive as they are more likely to carry safari rifles.

Next, to test their ability under stress, candidates will be shackled to a table while unmuzzled dogs bark and snarl at them as they answer questions posed by the moderator.

Bartok, Nicastro, Ziogas and whoever their other candidate is are favored to do the best since Democrats can talk their way out of anything.

robot-001Debate watchers expect the toughest test to come when candidates are pit against a giant robot with six legs, chainsaw arms, laser eyes, extremely bad breath, and the face of Chris Wallace. It was designed and built by the gifted students of Bristol Eastern High School. Robotics team leader and teacher Susan Evanson says her students hope the robot will get to probe into the opinions or flesh of at least a couple candidates before the Samsung Note 7, which powers the robot explodes.

Due to the age diversity of the candidates, the robot battle is a pick’em.

All residents are invited to attend Monday’s debate. The Chamber of Commerce said there is no admission fee. However, residents are reminded that if they want access to a candidate, they need to bring their check books.

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.

NFL Announces Plans To Increase Viewership

October 15, 2016


Ratings for the NFL are collapsing this year, partly blamed on viewer upset of pregame protests by Colin Kaepernick and other players against the police and the national anthem. Commissioner Roger Goodell aims to change that trend.

In a deal announced today, the NFL will hire Donald Trump to speak at the halftimes for two games leading up to the election, which will be nicknamed, “Trumptimes.” Souvenirs to be sold at the venue include Trump koozies, Trumper stickers and Trumple-head dolls.

The first Trumptime is scheduled for the home game of the San Francisco 49ers. “We’re not endorsing Trump,” Goodell explained. “We’re acknowledging that love or hate him, Trump brings in the ratings.” Additionally, the commissioner noted, the boisterous crowds Trump attracts should fill the seats for the 49ers and make their game sound less like the interior of a library for the deaf.

The NFL considered other plans, such as a traveling “Game of Thrones” tribute. However, that idea was shelved when the mechanical dragon burned the test stadium to the ground. A second idea to hold Burning Man events at halftime was also shelved for the same reason.

What may torpedo the ratings for the first Trumptime game is news that Kaepernick could return to quarterback the 49ers.

Goodell sought to assuage concerns by networks and advertisers by cryptically remarking, “Kaepernick will start… assuming he survives the drive to the game.”

The Bristol Press Publishes Article Not Related to Crime, Readers Stunned!

October 14, 2016


The Bristol Press published an article last week about a local children’s charity gala and it did not contain any references to crime, criminals or misdeeds. The general reading public was stunned.

“I could not believe what I was not reading,” said Sandy McLean, a reader since 1972. “I had to regulate the air in my oxygen tank.”

“I thought for sure there was something wrong with my copy of the newspaper so I bought a second copy, and it too did not have any references to fraud, harassment or thievery,” said Julio Vargas shaking his head.

The newspaper, which began publishing in 1871, has recently prided itself on covering the lurid. As a result sources say that when it was realized the article was not about a crime, editors at the newspaper were thrown into a tizzy. “My God! What have we done?” screamed one. “How could this happen?” cried another as she pounded her fist into her desk.

Late last night, word was sent out that the paper plans to make up for the folly with a new feature called “Crime of the Week.”

The Bristol Press staff will determine the crime of the week based on several factors: the type of crime, any links to sex, the number of ne’er-do-wells behind it, the amount of money or sex involved, whether the crime involved animals particularly circus monkeys, was sex a factor, and whether the perpetrator was particularly sexy. In fact, the Press has offered a $500 reward for anyone reporting a crime involving Miss Mum City, along with any unseemly pictures of her.

Update: The author of the article on the gala was suspended for a week and threatened with physical violence, with the threat to be published by The Bristol Press in a story about crime at newspapers.