February 5, 2016

Community

Friday:

Coins Stolen by Leopold Antek

Coins

Leopold Antek subtly stole coins from unsuspecting friends for over 20 years and the resulting collection will be on display at the Forestville Social Club this weekend.

The exhibit consists of over 4,000 coins personally stolen by Mr. Antec, which he calls his life’s work, are in various denominations and currencies.

The event is sponsored by the Garner Correctional Institute in Newtown, Connecticut, where Leopold Antek is currently an inmate.

Saturday:

DSCN4131

Forestville resident and ghostwriter Hollis Quinn will appear at the Manross Library regarding his latest writing project.

Due to the confidentiality agreement, however, between Mr. Quinn, the publisher and the credited author, he will not be allowed to speak, sign autographs or pose for photographs.

Time unknown.

Refreshments will be not be provided.

Sunday:

Commuter Lot Day!

DSCN6817

Join friends, neighbors and commuters for a fun filled day at the commuter parking lot on Todd Street. Swap stories about traffic congestion, commuting costs, carpools, vanpools and more. There will be plenty of activities and cupcakes too!

1PM to 3PM.

There is no admission fee as it is a free form event.

AB


Made in Forestville

February 4, 2016

DSCN6860

Forestville’s entrepreneurs of a previous generation manufactured clocks, bells, springs, steel products, precision bearings and more. Those days are long gone and Forestville’s entrepreneurs of today are making their own exciting products.

SCHLOCK BEER

Schlock Beer Can 04

Located in the heart of Forestville’s historic district is a unique brewing company, Schlock Beer.

Yes, it is bad. Yes, it is boring and yes, it is cheap. But what do you expect it’s Schlock Beer. Their motto says it all: “Schlock Beer, no flavor, no taste just Schlock. Because sometimes you just want to get drunk and you don’t care how.”

SNACKOS

Snackos

Tucked behind some buildings in the metro section of The Ville there is an abandoned factory that is home to an exciting breakfast cereal company named Snackos.

Snackos is a fun cereal. Not only is it great tasting but it is great for your health too, especially now that the lead based paint and the glue products have been removed.

So remember kids, tell your Mom she has no more excuses, pick up a box of Snackos today!

CARTEL COFFEE

Cartel Coffee with powder

Cartel Coffee has been doing business in Forestville for what seems like forever. Consumers say Cartel Coffee is very addictive because they just can’t stop drinking it.

Question: What makes Cartel Coffee taste so good?

Answer: Cartel Coffee is not made in Forestville per se; it’s imported illegally from South America.

Question: What is Cartel Coffee made from?

Answer: All coffees are derived from an ever green shrub that produces coffee beans. However, Cartel Coffee is different. It’s produced from a white alkaloid crystal derived from cocoa leaves.

Question: Is Cartel Coffee addictive?

Answer: You bet it is!

Question: Is it a drug?

Answer: Please, be advised that, what constitutes a drug depends on cultural and social context. So govern yourself accordingly.

Cartel Coffee, one cup is never enough. Prolonged use of Cartel Coffee may cause nervous system aberrations, delusions, weight loss, impotence, shame, humiliation, long-term, depression and financial ruin. See your dealer for details.

So, the next time someone claims nothing is made in Forestville you tell them about Schlock Beer, Snackos and Cartel Coffee!

AB


Area Production Company Options Film Rights To Dictionary

February 2, 2016

Dictionary 02

Forestville Films, a production company located here in Forestville, has optioned the film, television and stage rights to the New Oxford American Dictionary 3rd Edition.

“There are more than 350,000 words with references to rich historical characters and lush geographic locations in this edition. We believe that within those 350,000 words a powerful and dramatic story exists, maybe two, possibly three and a prequel too,” remarked Melanie Stanwyck, President of Forestville Films.

The best-selling dictionary, which has won numerous awards for arranging words alphabetically with their definitions and pronunciations, includes maps, notes, and illustrations within in its 2,000 pages

The New Oxford American Dictionary 3rd Edition is published by Oxford University Press, and is the first dictionary ever optioned.

This news comes on the heels of Forestville Films’ announcement late last year that they would do a biopic about the mathematical constant 3.14 also known as Pi or π.

AB


How To Do an Ambush

January 31, 2016

Ambush

Since the town council meeting on January 12, which saw republican operatives ambush a democratic town councilor regarding his purchase of a property outside the district he was elected to represent, many residents want to know how to do an ambush.

According to the National Coalition of Deception & Concealment, which specializes in ambushing, the one executed on the 12th was text book. Insiders say there are four key components that must be followed and were followed that made it a model of success.

1) Be Stealthy

Stealth

Stealth

Stay inconspicuously in the background and wait to spring it and pounce. The element of surprise must be on your side so be cool, patience is the key.

2) The Setup i.e. The Misdirect

Misdirect 01

Pretend you are there for another reason by lavishing audience members with compliments and admiration to distract and put them at ease. Then, drop your payload, the crushing boom lands and you watch the carnage.

3) Blame the Victim

Blame 02

Yes, it is some-what sneaky, what you are doing but stay on message, eventually people will forget. Lemmings, and those that share your ideology, will get in line and have your back.

4) Play Stupid

stupid

Playing stupid is fun and always a hoot, just look around. So, when questioned why you did it say things like, “Huh what do you mean? What are you talking about? What did I do?” Other favorites include “I was merely doing this or I was merely doing that.”

Experts concede ambushing is high risk, high reward, but is a good tactic to use in order to take advantage of a situation, an opponent, friends, coworkers and people you just don’t like because they simply don’t share your views.

AB


Forestville Man Wants To Change The Periodic Table of the Elements

January 30, 2016
The Periodic Table of the Elements

The Periodic Table of the Elements

Forestville resident Caleb Gatch, a Front Desk Clerk at The Plymouth Motor Lodge, believes The Periodic Table of the Elements should be downsized. He is urging the scientific community to remove unpopular elements like lead from the table. “No one wants lead in their water why would they want it in their periodic table?” he recently remarked.

He would also like to rid the table of inert gasses. “I don’t know about you but I would never want to be associated with anything inert.”

Mr. Gatch said the Periodic Table is confusing and frustrating, so it is his goal to make it friendly and easy to understand, “It will prevent tyranny and promote understanding between races, cultures, and religions,” he remarked. “By doing so we can protect the rare earth elements like cerium.”

He went on to say that he would also like to create preserves for precious endangered metals where they too can coexist in harmony.

Last summer, Caleb invited the descendants of Dmitri Mendeleev, the Russian inventor of The Periodic Table of the Elements, to his house for Christmas. They met, shared pleasantries and exchanged gifts, much to Mr. Gatch’s liking. “I gave them some of my home-made aluminum and they gave me some bismuth because you can never have enough lying around the house.”


This Day in Forestville History

January 28, 2016

almanac 01

Today in Forestville History:

1752

We're gonna get you!

We’re gonna get you!

Run Like the Wind, a member of the Tunxis Indian Tribe and a trusted member of the tribal council, resided in Forestville but took up residence in what today is called Southington. Outraged rival tribal members called for his resignation from the Tribal Council because his new wigwam was outside their boundaries.

Their request was denied.

1867

Two angry forgotten Forestville politicians

Angry and forgotten

Citing transparency in government, two mean spirited politicians from Forestville, reportedly traveled to Alaska to investigate the lands that would be purchased from Russia. They got lost in the cold, barren territory and were never seen or heard from again.

1932

Artist rendering of Delwyn Chubble

Artist rendering of Delwyn Chubble

Wanting to simply set the record straight and clarify matters for the voters in the district, Delwyn Chubble a Forestville resident asks a female candidate for Town Council, “Are you currently menopausal?”

2016
?

That’s it. I’m done

AB


Doomsday Clock Coming to Forestville

January 27, 2016
Doomsday Clock

Doomsday Clock

The Doomsday Clock, used to measure the countdown to global catastrophe and the World’s End, is coming to The American Clock & Watch Museum in the Bristol section of Forestville in the spring.

This is the first public exhibition of the clock and it is expected that devotees and fans will make the pilgrimage to the area. The Doomsday Clock Exposition will last three days and visitors can expect an increased level of security at the museum.

The clock has been stuck at three minutes to midnight since January of 2015 so horologists (persons skilled in the art or science of measuring time) and clock watchers alike fear there is a problem with the minute hand. So, they plan to rewind the clock, oil the gears and remove the dust while it is here.

This has been a week of coups for Forestville and Bristol. Last week it was learned that the Shroud of Turin may be brought to Dee’s Cleaners & Laundromat on Farmington Avenue by The Holy See for a cleaning, and late yesterday the Forestville Historical Society discovered a copy of The Declaration of Independence will be sent to them to be spell checked.

AB


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