As Wildfires Rage in California Trump Fires Smokey Bear

December 18, 2017

Smokey Bear, a United States Forest Service employee and cultural icon, is no longer employed by the federal government, the White House announced early Monday.

As wildfires rage in California and with no end in sight, Smokey’s role had recently come under scrutiny. Due to his years of experience in the field, he was being counted on to bring an abrupt end to the third most destructive fire in the region’s history.

In November Trump said, “If he can’t put out those fires, we will get someone in there who really, really can. Believe me.”

The hot and dry weather in combination with the Santa Ana winds are driving the fires. However, Trump abruptly dismissed the infamous black bear over his perceived mishandling of the raging inferno. He announced his firing to the nation with a tweet.

Most recently Trump taunted Smokey at a ceremony at the White House in October regarding Fire Prevention Week. While honoring firefighters and calling on American’s to renew efforts to prevent fires, he referred to Smokey as a third rate bear that could stand to lose weight.

Trump’s White House has been plagued by a series of high-profile defections since January — including Sean Spicer as press secretary, James Comey as FBI director, Sebastian Gorka as Sebastian Gorka — and most recently Omarosa as whatever it was that she did.

While Trump announced to the nation that he fired and insulted the 70-year employee, Vice President Mike Pence continuously nodded and gazed adoringly at Trump.

Boardman

For Nikki, I said I was going one way but I went another.

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New Telephone Directory Released and it Does Not Disappoint

December 17, 2017

Warning Spoiler Alert! The following review of the 2018 Telephone Directory contains spoilers.

One of the most popular and continuously published tomes is the telephone directory. The “phone book” has been one of the most read and accessed publications since it was first published in 1880.

The 2018 phone book was just released by Frontier Communications for the 860 area code covering Hartford, Litchfield and Tolland counties, and it largely doesn’t disappoint.

Like its predecessors the book identifies public telephone subscribers by name alphabetically and their address too.

The pages come to life with popular names like Smith, Jackson and Lopez. However, it is the less common names such as Abad, Giroux, and Zyrdorf that provide its gritty character.

Also, included within the pages are emergency phone numbers and government services with their contact information. This latest edition has a classified or business directory too more widely known as the yellow pages.

One of the drawbacks though is the low paper grade and the small font size. These issues make reading the directory from cover to cover in one sitting difficult.

However, if readers approach the publication with an open mind knowing it is not the telephone directory of the 1950s they will not be disappointed.

Spoiler Alert:
What readers wants to know when they receive a telephone directory is the following: what is the first name to appear in the residential listing? Now is the time to look away if you do not wish to know.

The first name in the residential listing is Aagesen.

The first town in the Government pages is the Town of Andover.

About the Directory:

Author: Unknown
Hardcover – First Edition
ISBN: 0671642596
Free
Frontier Communications USA
Copyright 2017

Audiobook:
Read by: Edward Fick

More about the author Unknown

Biography
One of the most popular literary authors is Unknown. He or she is widely read and a best-selling writer for millennia. It is not known if he or she is a he or she, and it remains unbeknownst where Unknown lives or if he or she has any family or pets to speak of.

Other Works by Unknown:
Book of the Dead, Ancient Egyptian, 1550 BCE
Lament for Sumer and Ur, Ancient Mesopotamian
A Brief Inquiry Into the Natural Rights of Man, 19th Century
The Way of a Pilgrim, Russian 19th Century
Kelly Blue Book, United States, 20th and 21st Century
Various other titles


The Boardman Interview: Kern Park

December 16, 2017

Entrance to Kern Park

Kern Park is a 24-acre neighborhood park located in the northeast section of Bristol near Ivy Drive School. The park, plagued by neglect and vandalism since its development in 1970, became a campaign issue for the District 1 council candidates during the 2017 municipal election. However, it may soon see a renaissance.

Boardman sat down with Kern Park for an interview near Sergio’s Pizza one of his favorite haunts. Kern arrived late appearing tired and worn; decades of neglect and abuse have obviously taken their toll. He has some stubble from not shaving and at almost 50 signs of gray are beginning to appear.

One gets the feeling Kern Park is both apprehensive and suspicious of being interviewed. We sat on a curb in the parking lot after hours with nothing, but the light from Sergio’s marquee and the ember of his lit cigarette to keep us company.

Boardman:
In the 1970s the city had trouble funding and finishing you, Kern Park.

In the 1980s you fell victim to vandalism.

In the 1990s the city forgot you existed.

In the 2000s the city tried to sell you to a developer in order to build a box store.

Kern:
What of it?

Boardman:
Why do you think the city keeps doing this to you?

Kern:
Maybe I am unlucky. Or maybe I have a bad PR department. Or, maybe just maybe, it’s because I am not located in the West End or on Federal Hill or on Chippens Hill making me easy to forget.

Boardman:
You appear angry.

Kern:
You think?

Boardman:
In 1986 the then mayor said you, the park, “just never worked.”

Kern:
I forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me. I thought for sure I was going to be turned into placid looking condominiums.

Boardman:
Where are we today?

Kern:
The tennis courts have given way to spray painted expressions of lover’s lament and other tasteless remarks. There is a thicket where the basketball court use to be, you can’t recognize where the swings were and a swamp has suddenly materialized. Under today’s “parlants” they call it an eco-system but it’s a swamp.

Boardman:
Recently, Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and Councilor Greg Hahn visited.

Kern
Yes. They were very gracious and spent a great deal of time examining the grounds. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much to see other than the rife overgrowth and the broken beer bottles. I would have offered them a drink, but as I said all the bottles were broken or empty and drinking is prohibited on park property. Not that it would have mattered though.

Boardman:
You’re bitter.

Kern:
The tennis court located in view of the school was named after Edwin Decker as a tribute to the long-time park department commissioner. I want to know if the graffiti, broken glass and debris scattered all over the court are part of the tribute?

Things You Need to Know About Kern Park to Make it Through Your Day

* Kern Park is named for Herbert Kern a member of the city’s Board of Park Commissioners for 28 years
* Kern Park is two words with 8 letters between the words
* The park is 24 acres which is 97,124.5541 square meters or 32 football fields in length
* The former basketball court offers wonderful vistas of drab colored overgrowth, invasive weeds and thorny burrs – if that is your thing
* According to local druggie “The Owl”, it is the #1 destination in the northeast section for pot smokers


SNOWPOCALYPSE: Delay or Not to Delay, Bristol Talks Does it Again – Will Change Name

December 15, 2017

Following another day of mass hysteria on Bristol Talks, the Facebook community page announced it will change its name to Bristol Complains.

In a press release announcing the change they stated, “Everything about the page will remain the same. Members can still post funny cat videos, look for jobs and complain about everything.”

The name change became necessary as the popular community Facebook page made the news once again. All day Thursday Bristol residents took to the page and expressed their rage that Bristol schools were not closed or at least delayed following a substantial dropping of one to two inches of snow. The devastating snowstorm, named Snowpocalypse, hindered and in some cases paralyzed driving conditions during the morning commute. As a result, the fury of the members postings found their way to local TV outlets.

Immediately after the announced rebranding to Bristol Complains, the page lived up to the new name as residents began criticizing the name change.

“This is so stupid!’ said one.

Added another, “Is nothing sacred anymore?”

Administrators attempted to quell the grumbling and issued the following statement, “The name Bristol Complains is a name everyone can relate to. It is not only more representative of the community, but society as a whole.”

No word on if Ur Probably From Bristol If…or Bristol Roundup’s Community Group will change their names too.


Mayor Releases Her Schedule for Next Tuesday

December 11, 2017

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu is well organized, detail oriented and believes in transparency. Consequently, it came as no surprise that upon becoming mayor that she publishes her daily schedule. Boardman, via a source, was provided an advance copy of her schedule for next Tuesday.

All Times Eastern unless otherwise notated.

12:01 AM
Go to bed.

12:14
Fall asleep.

1:12 AM to 1:36
Dream I am swirling in a ravine of swirling Iced Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte from Starbucks®.

1:40-1:44
Night terror. I am mayor of Waterbury and wake up in a cold sweat.

1:46
Resume sleep.

5:16
Consciousness begins for the day.

5:17-5:25
Speed read the entire 2010 UN Security Council Report sans the addendum.

7:02
Drive to the office doing the speed limit at all times.

7:15
Unlock City Hall, turn the lights and heat on.

8:00
Roll call.

8:30-9:30
Meeting with AA – Accountants Anonymous. Confront the problem some residents are having with debits and credits and develop an action plan.

9:55
Push back the Procrastinators Association meeting to 3PM.

10:00-10:30
Meet with local guy who makes paper footballs for a living.

11:15
Send email regarding ribbon cutting ceremony at 2. Remind them the 15’’ Chrome plated Scissors must be OSHA compliant and left handed.

11:16
Office photo for posterity. City Hall staff to line up alphabetically by height and weight.

12:00 PM
Lunch. Speed read through the local ordinances for flaws and grammatical errors. Correct and add punctuation where needed.

1:00
Push back Procrastinators Association meeting to the following week.

2:00
Attend ribbon cutting ceremony for new ordinance. Cut ribbon diagonally and make a few remarks including from my inaugural, which have no bearing on the proceedings.

2:47-2:55
Busy work.

3:00
Attend a budget meeting. Listen to presentation, for the umpteenth time, entitled, What is a Budget?

4:55-5:16
Consume a Cinnamon Dolce Latte Expresso with sweetened whipped cream via Starbucks®.

7:00
Attend reception Forestville Appreciation Day at Nuchie’s.

Mingle: 12 minutes
Dine: 15 Minutes
Remarks: 2.5 minutes
Exit: 7.5 min

7:37
Get in car.

7:38
Start engine.

7:39
Put in gear and go home.


Bristol Republicans Do Exorcism

December 6, 2017

Following the results of the recent 2017 Municipal Election, which saw Bristol’s Republicans surprisingly lose every council seat but one and the mayor’s office too, Bristol Republicans did an exorcism of the City of Bristol.

Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Town Committee, said they needed to rid Bristol of evil spirits, which clearly took possession of the voters on Election night. “What else can explain their landslide victory?” he asked. “I have come to learn the Demon can control a voter’s mind, a voter’s soul and a voter’s vote too. Who knew?”

The exorcism was held in the basement of St. Joseph’s Church by Fr. Luciano who wore a Medieval-looking red tunic designed by Ralph Lauren. As the exorcism moved along the City of Bristol yelled out insults and blasphemies such as, “Connecting the dots!’ and “Censure!” while it writhed around on the floor and howled like a wolf. Fr. Luciano countered by saying the Hail Mary and the Lord’s Prayer (Extended Version) in broken Italian, while using conservative amounts of Holy Water.

While the ritual played out Mr. Caggiano whispered to Boardman, “If the exorcism doesn’t work we will read from the Necronomicon, do Gregorian chants – whatever it takes.”

Asked if he thought the exorcism was successful Mr. Caggiano remarked, “Ask me that in 2019.”

Boardman

For Nikki


The Bristol Beat Out of Business Sale

December 4, 2017

The Bristol Beat, Bristol’s Rock Mix, an internet radio station and a window to the community, is sadly off the air.

Recently, the Beat announced via their Facebook page that they shut off their microphones thus going silent forever. So with their legal obstacles cleared they are selling off their assets with a Christmas in December liquidation super sale!

In a fast-talking Crazy Eddie type commercial promoting the sale and airing on local cable television, the Beat proclaims “everything must go with prices so low it’s practically a steal. In fact, it is!”

“The Beat flatlined so everything is priced to sell such as microphones, cables, wires, jacks, adapters, and office equipment too including chairs, desks and previously used staples.

“We literary took a buzzsaw and cut in half the editing suites, mixing boards, headphones and even our award-winning mic flags. This way you get two for the price of one!

“Everything and anything associated with this radio station and our offices must be sold. Routers, computers, CDs, tapes, records and even the DJs too! Buy Michael Anthony and Amy Sunshine and we will throw in the interns for free. Buy them, take them I don’t care! Everybody and everything is boxed and ready to move.

“We need money and we need it now. Paper, coins, fiats – it don’t matter! Deutsche Marks, Krugerrands, Doubloons, Rubles, Liras, Guineas, Swiss Francs and God strike me down for saying this but even Bitcoins too. We will take anything. I don’t care and nor should you.

“We will not be under sold, we cannot be under sold because everything must go. Come on down, stop on down, just get on down to North Main Street now because our prices are ins-a-a-ane!”