Chris Wright Wine Tasting Fundraiser Only 10 Days Away!

July 15, 2018

Anticipation is building for the Chris Wright Wine Tasting Political Fundraiser on Thursday July 26th at the Bristol Historical Society (BHS).

Fans and former constituents of Mr. Wright are already lining up outside BHS because they have nothing else to do. In fact, a small group is camped out and created a tent city, which they dubbed Wrightville.

According to casual political observers this is one of the most eagerly anticipated political fundraisers for the month of July. “It is an opportunity to get a little tipsy, donate money to a candidate and see real life politicians up close and in person,” observed Rita Miller who does not plan to attend because, “I don’t drink and I can’t spare the 35 bucks to get in.”

Wrightville

It has been several years since Mr. Wright was in office so Democrats are rolling out the red carpet. Variety reports that it will be a star-studded event as almost all of the locally elected Democrats will be in attendance if there is not a Bristol Blues game.

The mayor is expected to be there and wear a black Luis Vuitton suit with a Dooney & Bourke handbag and Jimmy Choo heels. City Councilwoman Mary Fortier will also adorn a black Luis Vuitton suit and Jimmy Choo heels, but forgo the handbag so she does not clash with the mayor.

Dean Kilbourne, Chairman of the Bristol Democrats told Boardman, “There has not been this type of hype and anticipation since the traffic light was fixed at the intersection of Washington Street and Central Street.”

BOARDMAN DEATH UPDATE

As of this hour Alan Boardman remains deceased but over the last 48 hours his condition has improved. The medical team attending to Mr. Boardman’s death say they do not expect his death to interfere with the rest of his life.

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Review of the July 2018 City Council Meeting

July 12, 2018

Alan Boardman remains dead but his condition is improving. As a result, The Mole reviewed the July 2018 Bristol City Council meeting proceedings from Tuesday and those observations follow.

All times are made up because The Mole’s wrist watch does not work.

7:02
We start with the Pledge of Allegiance. Nothing wrong with that but can we change it up once in a while and do the Alphabet Song instead? From the looks of the crowd though there are some people here that probably don’t know the lyrics. Scratch that idea.

7:18
I am bored. Why can’t we have a barbeque during the meeting and turn this joint into a smokehouse? It would not be that difficult. The way I hear it Councilman Dave Mills makes a mean Cornish Game Hen with wild rice and mashed potatoes. Mr. Mills wraps it in bacon with a butter mixture that is absolutely to die for. All this while he diagrams football plays too.

The mayor can bring her Federal Hill famous baked beans. She uses pinto beans (sans the baked beans) with sautéed onions, peppers and a dash of rosemary to get that Smokey taste. Mmm-mmm.

Mary Fortier can show up with her infamous store-bought cole slaw.

Who can we get for the brisket? Does Councilman Greg Hahn cook? Probably not because he is a musician so he is only good for the booze. Get this man access to bourbon, lemon, vermouth, and ginger beer NOW and we can get this thing going!

7:25ish
Did the mayor just say quixotic? What does that even mean? My God I have to waste my time looking this shit up. Yeah, I swore because Boardman is dead and cannot edit me.

According to an online dictionary:

Adjective

1. exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical.

Yeah it fits these proceedings

Did this woman swallow a dictionary as a kid?

7:35ish
Property transactions. Oh sweet Jesus this is going to take forever. Councilman Preleski enjoys this way too much. Alas, I am headed to Dunkin for an Iced Coffee.

7:47ish.
I am back and Preleski is still going. Yap, yap, yap. My God! Peter Kelley with an e has the look of a man that is in need of a cyanide capsule.

7 something or other
Can we give the ball to Josh Medeiros? The guy is running up and down the court and playing solid D, but he ain’t getting no touches. He is not Pistol Pete Maravich with a dazzling array of behind the back passes, but he can dish and swish, especially from the left side of the circle.

It might be near 8PM
Quiet night for Mary and Greg. Other than seconding and making a motion to make a motion they are laying low. Have they become monks and taken a vow of silence? Let’s see…are they wearing robes? If the two idiots in front of me would-nope no robes. That sucks!

7:50
Other than the guy next to me waking up, what would happen right now if I were to yell Bingo!?

Time Unknown
Dave Preleski is the acting mayor for the next four months? Ay dios mio! Anyone have him in the Acting Mayor Pool? Please bring back Mary because I liked her tenure as acting mayor.

8:00 maybe
New Business is up followed by Old Business. Why can’t we have Nobody’s Business? Oh wait I spoke too soon. Apparently, they are going into “Executive Session” in a minute. Oh boy secret time! Shh.

Sometime after 8:00
Most of the gallery left so this is boring and deathly quiet. Those that remain have their faces stuck in their phones.

Should I make small talk with someone? Maybe this is an opportunity to get to know people that I do not know nor share my political opinions or life experiences. Perhaps by doing so new worthwhile relationships will be forged, and we can engage in dialogue and understanding. Who knows that could lead to lasting friendships thus making Bristol a truly “All Heart” type of community!

Are you kidding me? No way! The Sox are playing Texas and the Yanks are in Baltimore. I need scores and I need them now people.

Time Unknown
I am leaving as I am supposed to meet someone for coffee. Nothing will come of that silly secret meeting anyway. However, if by chance there is breaking news, the local media is here providing gavel to gavel coverage so we will definitely read about it first thing in the morning with a big giant headline!

The Mole


Alan Boardman Dead

July 7, 2018

Forestville – June 24, 2018, Alan Boardman passed away at his home surrounded by his family, anti-Trump memorabilia and a comfort pony. His doctor said that he died from TDS, Trump Derangement Syndrome.

“What kept him alive this long was his disappointment with our last mayor,” said his wife. “He often said in heaven there are no whites, Blacks, Asians, Christians, Jews, straights, or Republicans, and everyone is treated according to how much of a victim they are and no one keeps score in baseball games.”

His wife added with a tear, “I miss his angry threats against FOX journalists already.”

Boardman is survived by his wife, his famed Eberhard Faber Number 2 pencil and a college-ruled notebook.

In related news today is Saturday.


Bear Cubs Seperated from Mama Bears at the Bristol and Forestville Borders

June 24, 2018

Black bears have descended upon Forestville and Bristol in record amounts recenlty, according to the Connecticut Department of Energy and Environmental Protection (DEEP).

With an improved economy, better places to eat and a buzz about the city, bears are here in record numbers, DEEP officials said.

However, according to sources, though, the President of the United States decried the influx of black bears into the area during a White House meeting, “These black bears are coming from Burlington, Harwinton, Wolcott and even shithole towns like Terryville.”

Consequently, based on a directive from the Attorney General of the United States, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, DEEP is separating the baby bears from their mothers.

Mr. Sessions ordered a “zero-tolerance policy” for illegal border crossings by bears. That apparently includes prosecuting mama bears traveling with their cubs. Sessions described it as deterrence.

A source familiar with the situation told Boardman, “The cubs are pried from their mothers and shipped to tender age shelters located at the former Bristol Mall Site, the former Armory building and the former Bingham School. The mother bears are sent to the pound and then become quality shawls.”

The White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders invoked random Bible quotes to justify the practice of separating mama bears from their cubs and making them a flimsy piece of clothing stating, “I would cite you Psalm 137:9. ‘Happy those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.’”

And then.

“According to 1 Samuel 15:3 ‘Go, now, attack Amalek, and deal with him and all that he has under the ban. Do not spare him, but kill men and women, children and infants, oxen and sheep, camels and asses.’”

But wait there is more.

“In Deuteronomy 23:10-13 it states, ‘You shall also have a place outside the camp and go out there, and you shall have a spade among your tools, and it shall be that when you sit down outside, you shall dig with it and shall turn to cover up your excrement.’”

Indeed.


May 18, 2018


Kīlauea Volcano Creates Chaos

May 14, 2018

Markets Swing As Land Shakes
Eruptions from the Kīlauea volcano in Hawaii heated up commodity exchanges. Gold prices skyrocketed while those for lava and magma plummeted. Wall Street traders saw Hawaiian markets flooded with the liquid rock sending people scurrying for the exits.

The Trump administration later announced that they will investigate whether the Pellucidarans of Hollow Earth are driving down prices by dumping lava in the U.S.

A concerned U.S. Chamber of Commerce warned that any retaliatory tariffs could spark a trade war with Pellucidar that would increase prices for consumers and risk the release of giant flying Trodons onto the mainland.

“Pellucidar is an important trading partner,” said a spokesman. “In fact, half of all iPhones sold in the U.S. are assembled by workers there enslaved by the ruling Mahar pterosaurs, in conjunction with Foxconn.”

Emergency Issued
In response to the newest eruptions, a Hawaii Emergency Management Agency official immediately issued to all residents an incoming ballistic missile alert.

Thirty-eight minutes later, they put out an apology for accidentally pressing that button again. They then issued a volcanic eruption alert. This involved standing on the roof of their building and blowing a conch horn to the tune of “Emotional Rescue” by The Rolling Stones.

Real Estate Set to Rebound after Devastation
Local real estate agent Mrs. A’ka’Ook’a’Ow, which means “Smith” in Hawaiian, said the eruptions are creating new housing opportunities.

“The lava is making Leilani Estates a better place to rebuild on. And this time, it will be safe to live there. What are the odds the rifts will erupt again? As we say in Hawaii, ‘No way, Jose!'”

Fast Facts
– Hawaii lies in the Pacific Ocean, also known to President Xi Jin-Ping as the “China Ocean”
– President Obama claims he was born here. Actually he was born in Kenya, a small town in Nebraska
– Just like Star Trek fans made up Klingon, the state made up its own language for the first run of “Hawaii 5-0.” Due to a scriptwriting error, the “Hawaiian” language ended up comically omitting most consonants


City Hall Open Monday

May 13, 2018

Following two days off, fans of city government are excited because Bristol City Hall is open for business Monday!

Tourists hoping to get a glimpse of city workers in their natural habitat, can do so between the hours of 8:30 a.m. and 5 p.m. as a full day of work is expected for many. “All proceedings will occur as scheduled,” the mayor’s office said in a statement.

The workday begins with a ribbon-cutting ceremony ushering in the new day, and concludes with a performance by Up with People. “It’s a huge honor and privilege,” the cultural and civic organization told Boardman. “We are excited to close a city hall workday with a Closing Ceremony.”

Visitors to City Hall are reminded of the following rules:

Visitors are encouraged to take photographs for their personal use and to share with family, friends but not with strangers.
Do not speak with employees or look them directly in the eyes.
No soliciting.
Feeding employees is strictly prohibited.

ATTRACTIONS

Assessor’s Office

It’s impressive to watch these city officials determine the value of real property within the city of Bristol. The exhibit’s enclosure was designed and constructed to ensure the comfort, safety and health of the employees and visitors alike.

Public Works

The heartbeat of city. They care for the city’s infrastructure by building things like roads and schools and parks. The exhibit showcases employees working in the office in real time. Visitors see the characteristics of office life, including the social structure.

Registrar of Voters

The Registrar of Voters Exhibit is closed for maintenance.

Personnel Department/Human Resources or Whatever it is Called

Visitors can go nose to nose with the Personnel Director and staff in a state of the art exhibit featuring a glass viewing wall. Guests can peer in from several observation points and see for themselves: What does the Personnel Director do? Where does the Personnel Director go? Who does the Personnel Director see and visit? Find out the who, the what, the where, the when and the why.

Please note: Some exhibits close 30 minutes before closing, except for the Tax Office, which closes 45 minutes before closing just to be difficult.

IS THERE A GIFT SHOP FOR SOUVENIRS?
Be sure to visit the City Hall Gift Shop for city hall accessories, apparel and plushies of your favorite city officials.

CAN I HOST A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR MY CHILD AT CITY HALL?
No.