City Providing Counseling For Drivers Affected by Route 6 Traffic Jams

October 14, 2017

The city of Bristol is providing psychological services for motorists who can no longer handle the traffic congestion on Route 6.

The facility where the sessions take place, ironically, is located on Route 6 near Shop Rite Plaza; the heart of the current construction.

Motorist Bill Draper said having someone to talk to about the construction and the traffic snarls is important. “I have learned that the traffic jams are not out there to get me personally. I have learned they are out there to get everyone!”

The city has eight counselors on hand and more are expected as the traffic delays will continue until November of 2018.

In response to the traffic congestion, a Route 6 support group was created as well by dissatisfied citizens.

They meet every 2nd Tuesday of the month at the Jersey barriers near Britton Road. The group provides an opportunity for members to vent, drink coffee and vent.

Last week they erected a new sign at the Farmington/Bristol border that reads, “WELCOME TO BRISTOL, EXPECT DELAYS.”

Advertisements

Forestville Voters Sound Off About the Candidates

October 11, 2017

Bristol/Forestville voters have been besieged for months with information regarding local office seekers. Therefore, with the election less than thirty days away, Boardman sat down with voters to find out what they think about some of the candidates.

Anthony “Tony” D’Amato (R)
by Tate Singleton

“Mr. D’Amato left the NAACP candidate meet and greet, was a no show at the Bristol Senior Center candidate event, missed council meetings and had to recuse himself from council meetings due to conflicts of interest. No wonder he donated his salary back to the city because he is never around to collect it.”

Mary Fortier (D)
by Shelley Nguyen

“I think it is great that she keeps tabs on the mayor’s legal costs. It is also great that she stood up for the cafeteria workers several years ago when the republicans tried to fire them. I was really upset to learn the mayor took away her committee assignments, and I also felt it was unfair that her husband was fired from a local periodical because he wrote an article, which was critical of the mayor. However, I’m not going to vote for her because I don’t follow politics.”

Eric Carlson (R)
by Marty Skitmer

“Who?”

Dave Preleski (D)
by Omar Hassan

“I look at him and wonder, ‘As the voice of reason on the city council, can you recommend a good skin moisturizer?’ Seriously. I could really use one.”

Cheryl (R) Thibeault
by Charlie Evans

“Cheryl is always happy and perky, which I like, but she is really, really into numbers, which I don’t like. Some say she could help with the BOE deficit. Do we really need a numbers person for that? A math error got the BOE into this situation perhaps a math error can’t get the BOE out.”

Brittany Barney (D)
by Amanda Robinson

“Soooo, I like Brittany because Brittany is a mom and I am a mom. She lives in Bristol and I live in Bristol. Brittany is a Democrat and I am a Democrat too. Brittany wants to make Bristol a better place and I want Bristol to be a batter place. She worked at the Warner Theatre and I have been to the Warner Theatre. But I am not going to vote for Brittany because I know nothing about her.”

Andrew Howe (R)
by Carla Rodriguez Calderón

“Andrew Howe’s everyday man candidacy is interesting to me but I am conflicted. On one hand I think he wears pajamas with feet, but on the other hand I think he is a beer away from claiming he was abducted by aliens.”

The election is Tuesday November 7th. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Forestville Man Crosses Pine Street, No One Injured – City to Investigate

October 9, 2017

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using the aid of a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street around mid-day last Tuesday and no one was injured, according to police.

City officials were alarmed that Larry made his way through the intersection while the light was still green, which is in violation of the law. Since the incident became public knowledge, the Forestville law firm of Porkman and Swine was hired to investigate the matter by the city.

Porkman and Swine

At a press conference late Saturday Porkman and Swine detailed their plans for the investigation, “How did Limping Larry cross that street without the aid of the crosswalk? Did he have help? If so, who and why? Was there collusion? Right now we don’t know but what we do know is that’s not an easy road to cross when you have a limp.”

The investigation will be lengthy and the report never made available to the public nor checked for typos or inaccuracies.

Related Stories

Limping Larry Apologizes to the Traffic Division for his Lack of Judgement
Traffic Division Shy’s Away from Media Spotlight
Who are Porkman and Swine?
Who is Limping Larry?
Why do People Limp?
Is there a Cure for Limping?

Who Invented the Question Mark?
Why are There so Many Questions but so Few Answers?


Sean Spicer Eyes Move to Federal Hill

October 7, 2017

Following the news that former White House spokesperson Sean Spicer is eying properties in the Federal Hill section of Bristol, The Bristol Federal Hill Association held an emergency meeting late last night.

Many members are in a panic that Mr. Spicer could move into the historic neighborhood. One man, who lives on Oakland Street and wished not to be identified, but his first name is Otto and his last name is Velez, said he does not want Mr. Spicer to live near him. “I am afraid he will yell at me and my little dog FuFu if I ask him a question.”

Fefe DuBoise went further telling Boardman, “He will interrupt the neighborhood’s bucolic splendor with his constant need to argue.”

After failing to land a job at CBS News, CNN, Fox News, ABC News and NBC News as a contributor, Mr. Spicer secured a deal to develop a program with Nutmeg TV, the areas public access station. Boardman has exclusively learned that Sean Spicer’s program will be called Yoga with Sean and will air Wednesday mornings at 6AM.

Sean Spicer is considering a move to the Bristol/Forestville area so he can commute to Nutmeg TV with Bob Boils host of Good Morning Plainville.


Forestville Voters Sound Off About the Upcoming Election

October 5, 2017

Election Day 2017 is November 7th, which is…let’s see…I’m not so good at math so subtract the one and carry the…oh never mind; it’s around the corner.

Forestville voters have varying ideas about this election and here are just a few:

“Do I really have to visit a polling place to vote? Can’t they just pick the names out of hat and call it a day?”
Carla Rodriguez Calderón

“Oh my God! I just realized I have nothing to wear on November 7th. How many shopping days to Election Day?”
Amanda Robinson

“Why can’t little kids vote? That don’t make no sense.”
The Walkers

“They should make these elections the best four out of seven. Okay, three out of five! Fine, two out of three!!”
Tate Singleton

“I work hard and have to give up my time so someone else can become eh hem, powerful. Therefore, they should give us incentives to vote. For example, vote in three consecutive elections and you get a free pizza from Max’s.”
Shelley Nguyen

“How come I can only “legally” vote “once?” You should be able to vote as many times as possible. That don’t make no sense.”
Marty Skitmer

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Reviewing the Meet and Greet Candidate Forum

October 3, 2017

Monday night the Bristol NAACP hosted a meet and greet candidate forum with local office seekers at The Bristol Public Library. Due to a prior obligation I was not able to attend. As a result I had a mole planted in the audience and these are his observations.

All times EDT

6:10
How did Boardman talk me into this? I have laundry to do.

6:15
Surveying the room, nothing but big shots here and I left my autograph book at home. I seem out of place but – oh look cookies!

6:20
The crowd is civil, engaged and adulting so why am I here?

6:25
At these type of events I have a problem staying foc…where are my keys?

6:30
Introductions. Oh boy here come the resumes©.

6:35
The guy to the right of me is sticking needles in his Ellen voodoo doll.

6:36
The gal to the left of me is sticking needles in her Ken voodoo doll.

6:55
So far so good…uh oh microphone issues. Whit Betts is all over it! Huuuuh? What does he know about microphones? He don’t look like an AV Club guy. Who knew?

7:10
How does no one see that fly circling around? It’s huge.

7:13
Is it really 7:13?

7:15
It be funny right now if someone in the audience yelled out Yahtzee!

7:17
How hard would it be to call a timeout so someone can get that fly?

7:20
I should have eaten on the way over because I’m hungry.

7:23
The following question was just asked: What do you want to do for Bristol? Someone please say, “Bring back sanity!”

7:30
For the last few minutes I have been daydreaming but did someone just say Abraham Lincoln signed the Constitution, and water mains are replaced every 325 years? What…the…fu – hey there are still cookies!

7:35
I ate one cookie. Okay two. Alright three but don’t judge because I am hungry. I am leaving to get milk.

The Mole

Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


City of Bristol on Life Support

October 2, 2017

The City of Bristol is on life support at Bristol Hospital, where family and friends are keeping a bedside vigil as the Mum City battles injuries sustained from repeated infighting, political scandals, revenge politics, bitter social media conflicts and a host of other self-inflicted wounds.

Doctors at the hospital say Bristol’s condition has deteriorated over the last week so it was moved to the Intensive Care Unit where it is using a ventilator to help it breathe.

Forestville, Bristol’s only child, told Boardman the city previously healed from life threatening injuries, but the prognosis this time is not good. The village is praying but is preparing to grapple with life without the city.

Bristol got its start as part of Farmington in the 1600s playing a minor role in the that town’s development, before establishing itself in the following decades.

The city carved out a niche in the subsequent centuries by having a diverse population and becoming a leader in manufacturing and recreation.

It became known for its humanitarianism when it adopted Forestville and an entrepreneurial spirit with the foresight to aid and develop Lake Compounce, ESPN and a host of other businesses.

However, in recent years, the constant strain due to ceaseless bickering and name calling has taken its toll.

Reactions from the Area

Plainville
The town of Plainville, a loyal and trusted friend, released a statement, “We’re all rallying behind Bristol to do whatever we can, and give them any help they need.”

New Britain
Wearing a green military cap and dressed in its familiar military fatigues and toking on a Cohiba cigar, the City of New Britain was silent for many moments but then said through an interpreter, “This is bad news so we will pray for our lukewarm friend.”

Southington
Although the town of Southington is saying all the right things publicly, privately it’s a different matter. Intelligence agencies picked up conversations of Southington discussing Bristol’s plight, “We are sorry to hear about this but should Bristol succumb to its injuries we should have first dibs on Lake Compounce and ESPN.”