Forestville Mathematician Does Everything by the Numbers

August 24, 2016

Math 04

Noted Forestville mathematician Boris Gorky uses his vast and unparalleled knowledge of mathematics to solve vexing scientific, and common everyday problems through mathematical equations, much to his wife’s anguish.

Mr. Gorky notoriously suffers from anxiety so every Halloween he cannot decide what candy to distribute to trick or treaters. To solve the lingering problem he set about resolving it with the following equation he developed:


He dispersed Gummy Bears.

Friends and colleagues say bow ties are an important part of Mr. Gorky’s professional look. However, he has difficulty deciding which bow tie to wear each day to the office. Last Tuesday for example he wanted to wear a dog bone bow tie that said “I’ve arrived.” To solve the conflict he identified the problem, developed a plan, and then mathematically solved the problem.


Based on his math, he opted for a tie instead.

Mrs. Gorky enjoys antiquing but this is not an interest shared by her husband. So, last month she asked him if he would care to accompany her to the Flea Market at the Crossing in Plainville. He flippantly responded “whatever.”

According to friends it led to quite a row. He diligently explained that his decision was cognitive based on facts not suppositions. To support his view he painstakingly gathered data, made observations, developed a theory, tested his theory and created a formula within seconds of her question.


Mrs. Gorky went alone.


Forestville Bits

August 23, 2016

bits 01

Two days after the day after the day before yesterday, I ran into my friend Lenny at the court house. He’s a time waster. He knows it, I know it, everyone knows it.

Anyway, after exchanging pleasantries, he told me the following knock knock joke:

Him: Knock, Knock
Me: Who’s there?
Him: Stopwatch!
Me Stopwatch who?
Him: Stopwatch your doing and pay attention!

Lenny has another court date next week.


There are six vowels in the English language and two of them are entire words, “A” and “I.” You won’t see a consonant that is an entire word by itself. Why is that? Anyone know? Anyone?


The play Romeo and Juliet is about two people in love. One named Romeo and the other Juliet.

Pizza Hut makes pizzas.

Wind is invisible.

One hundred percent of Canada is made up of Canada.

Water causes drowning.


You can’t make this stuff up people.


Why can’t license plates have reverse lettering?


Or mirror lettering?


Or inverted lettering?


Come on DMV make this happen!


After swimming around all day, do fish get thirsty?

Boardman out.

City Considers Moving the West End to Northeast and Vice Versa

August 22, 2016
The West End

The West End

Currently the Connecticut Department of Transportation and the City of Bristol have plans to realign the West End. It would cost several million dollars and could be completed by 2019. However, another plan not being discussed publicly would take more than a decade and cost billions.

In a highly controversial project, the DOT in partner with the City of Bristol would move the West End as is to the Northeast section of town, and move the Northeast section to the West End.

To move every building, home, park, gas station, ball field, church, school and swimming pool would be a massive undertaking, but planners believe it is the only way to get everyone to stop complaining and restore the area to the post-war period where it saw substantial growth and development. “By swapping the sections of the city all the problems real and perceived will go away,” remarked a resident that supports the idea.

Officials say the project would be consumed by cost overruns, design flaws, fraud, kick-backs, conflicts of interest and inflation, but it will be well worth it because it will create jobs, growth and social interaction. Said one DOT official, “If it doesn’t work we can always move everything back.”


Forestville Resident Wants to Include Inferior Athletes at the Olympics

August 22, 2016


Frustrated that the Olympics are only for elite athletes, 23 year old social activist Mia Jayden Jones, a Forestville resident, petitioned the IOC recently to expand future Olympic Games so moderate and mediocre athletes can participate as well.

In a letter dated August 5, 2016, to the IOC Jones asked, “Why are inferior athletes denied opportunities to compete on the world stage? Is it out of malice?”

Miss Jones says restricting the games so only the so called “best” can compete is discriminatory and elitist. Further, she wrote, “There is no evidence to support that having only world class athletes in the Olympics enhances competition.”

The social activist said if the IOC continues to exclude competitors based on their lack of talent, the popularity of the Olympic Games will dwindle, “The general public is beginning to realize that the system is rigged against athletes that are bad. If they are truly interested in determining who the best in the world is then they will let everyone participate.”


Executives from the International Olympic Committee convened after the closing ceremonies in Rio to discuss expanding the Olympic Games to nontraditional sports.

Among the events under consideration for the 2020 Games in Tokyo are trivial pursuit, caber tossing, exotic dancing, celebrity impersonating, Magic the gathering, metal detection, floating, hot dog eating, drinking games, crossword puzzles, word search, wheel of fortune, connect the dots, and telekinesis.

Community Associations Have Historic Sit-Down

August 21, 2016


A historic sit-down summit was recently held between the five heads of the city’s neighborhood and community associations including the West End Association, Forestville Village Association, Federal Hill Association, the Bristol NAACP chapter and the West Cemetery Association.

The meeting was held at an undisclosed location in the Northeast section of the city to guarantee security. The groups met to discuss important policies, rules and mutual “business interests” including the future of the Mum Festival.

Details are tough to obtain due to the “omerta” or Code of Silence but the heads of the associations or “Dons” were in attendance along with their bosses, capos and consiglieres. One source said the sit-down was necessary as a means to name a new “capo di tutti capi” or “Godfather” for the group.

One of the more important topics involved the West Cemetery Association wanting assurances or guarantees from the West End Association that they would not muscle in on their turf, namely the lantern tour in the West Cemetery. In order to avoid all-out war with the other community groups, the West End Association agreed.

It was notable that there was any representation from Chippens Hill. Some theorize that no one was invited from the most affluent area in the city so they could be politically marginalized. While others believe the Dons are preparing to go to the mattresses against Chippens Hill.

City to Ban Laughing?

August 18, 2016

Laughter 01

City officials are considering an ordinance that would ban all laughter in local municipal government buildings and properties.

Uptight residents feel laughter can be a noisy nuisance in City Hall and other government settings. Therefore, the City Council is reviewing a report produced by Landry, Issel and Escalanté, a Forestville based consulting firm, that outlines a plan to stop laughter altogether in City Hall.

The report says, “Not only can laugher be a nuisance but it can also result in harmful and excessive levels of noise pollution too if left unregulated.”

Several residents were offended when they saw numerous individuals laughing within the corridors of City Hall. As a result they approached councilors about commissioning a report to study the ill effects.

Resident, and local busybody and meddler Claire Higensbee, 73, said, “If I see someone laughing during a City Council meeting I am suspicious. Aren’t you? Laughter is a sign of aggression and can be very offensive especially if you don’t know why someone is laughing so it needs to stop.”

The proposed ordinance as outlined by Landry, Issel and Escalanté, reads in part:

“It shall be unlawful for any person, citizen or employee in any government building or property within the City of Bristol or the Village of Forestville thereof to:

a) laugh, giggle crack-up, chuckle, snicker, guffaw or encourage others to engage in similar activities.
b) Spread mirth, merriment or any type of har-de-har activity.
c) Violating such ordinance will result in a citation or fine ranging from $100-$250.”

Critics argue that once laughter is banned all forms of human expression of joy could be deemed illegal.

Sources confirm that a report on the detrimental effects of smiling is currently under consideration. According to Mrs. Higensbee you cannot trust someone that smiles at City Hall, “How do we know that smile is not a fake smile or a devious smile? It’s best to just look glum and bored. Who can be hurt by that?”

Republicans Named an Official Minority

August 17, 2016


Given the paucity of Republicans, the Connecticut Commission on Human Rights and Opportunities (CCHRO) is considering recommending Republicans be named an official minority. Granting of this status means making fun of Republicans will become a hate crime. Colleges like Yale will be forced to set aside faculty slots for people who aren’t liberal and to take into consideration stances on Ayn Rand when accepting students into their program. Republicans will also get their own parking spaces next to the handicapped ones at grocery stores.

The likely inclusion of the GOP in Affirmative Action programs bristles those who claim that in the name of diversity, they are already passed over for jobs in favor of Republicans. One self-described GOPophobe said, “Can’t we simply round up all Republicans and ship them to their homeland in Texas?”

Another voter had a different fear. “I worry kids nowadays want to be Republican because it’s cool, not realizing it’s actually a dangerous cult. Giving it minority status only sanctions this activity.”

Repubs 01

As a first measure, schools and police will prepare sensitivity training courses to help people understand and deal with Republicans. They will be made aware of hurtful speech that glorifies Keynesian economics and socialism and microaggressions like, “I wish you would socialize more” and “You’re still a virgin?” Public schools will establish “safe zones” for Republican supporters who wear red badges to identify themselves.

“We don’t want any minority in our state to feel like they are a minority,” said CCHRO’s female African-American executive director Tanya Hughes at the Capital with her assistant, a deaf transgendered bisexual Native American whose family is 1/32nd Elizabeth Warren. “Connecticut should open its arms to all people, regardless of race, color, creed or how stupid we think they are.”


For Nikki by request…How’s that?


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