Forestville MILF Still Turning Heads

August 12, 2017

Barbara Deavers, a 55 year old mother of two and wife of Forestville industrialist John Deavers, was spotted sporting peep toe heels and an earth toned summer dress at the Stop &Shop on Pine Street late yesterday.

As she navigated her way through the aisles during her grocery run, she garnered a lot of attention from the male shoppers and employees alike.

Observers say she shopped effortlessly buying produce, cereal and bread. Stealing the spotlight from the price marker employee, she was radiant and showcased her sleek and slender build.

While in Aisle 4 she caught the attention of employee Jimmy Slates who could not remain focused on stocking the Fruity Pebbles he was tasked, “I mean like she is way better than all the other MILFs that come in here cuz like I don’t know,” Mr. Slates gushed.

Mrs. Deavers burst onto the MILF radar in the 1990s following the birth of her second Seth, and has remained there ever since.

RELATED HEADLINES

Does Plainville Have a MILF Shortage?

What is the Proper Term for an Attractive Older Father, DILF or FILF? The Women of Forestville Want to Know Dammit!


Mayor Announces Random Apology Tour

August 10, 2017

Following a city council meeting Tuesday night where the mayor issued a public and cryptic apology to a council member, which left many confused, he announced tour dates for his 2017 Random Apology Tour scheduled for this fall; the likes of which this world has never seen before.

During the tour the mayor will issue nonspecific apologies to organizations and clubs in cities and towns across North America. “I apologize they criticize me. I don’t apologize they criticize me. I can’t win,” the mayor said in response to the criticism and confusion over his apology.

Local bar band Closed Casket was the scheduled opening act, but due to the fortunate deaths of the entire horn section during a bizarre tuning accident they cannot participate. Instead Councilman Calvin Brown, who questioned the purpose of his apology Tuesday, vowed to follow the mayor from town to town and demand to know what he is apologizing for and who he is apologizing to.

The tour is sponsored by PODS.

2017 Random Apology Tour Dates

Monday September 18
Kiwanis Club – Roanoke, VA

Wednesday September 20
International Tomahawk Throwers Association

Friday September 29
Wyoming Stock Growers Association – Cheyenne, WY

Friday October 6
Maskwa Snowmobile Club – Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

Saturday October 7
Truck Stop Route 132 – La Pocatière, Quebec, Canada

Thursday October 19
Hurricane Biker Girls – Atlanta, GA

Wednesday November 1
KISS Army – Terre Haute, Indiana


VA Health Care Upgraded To Stable Condition

August 9, 2017

Secretary of Veterans Affairs David Shulkin has moved to make good on President Trump’s promises to overhaul the VA. Thanks to executive directives and a new reform law, Shulkin was able to fire 500 employees from the VA over malfeasance and criminal convictions. As punishment, most will receive health care from the VA.

The worst offenders will get health benefits from the Veterans Administration Veterans Administration. Said one fired Veterans Administration veteran, “I hear it is run worse than how we ran the VA.” He refers to the head of the VAVA, Connor O’Shaughnessy, a leprechaun who legend says hides health care services in a pot at the end of the rainbow.

Other reforms are being introduced at a feverish pace. One allows military to see the doctor of their choice. This option has led many people on Obamacare to enlist in the military.

Shulkin also made telemedicine part of the VA using the system “TeleHealth.” It allows patients to see teledoctors, get telediagnoses, see telespecialists and watch television with telestars.

Other improvements include vets getting wait times for appointments on their phones as well as Army-Navy game updates. A new app will send text alerts to hospitalized VA patients when the jello cart is coming down the hall. It also allows doctors to send “Get Well” e-cards to patients while on vacation and emojis to describe patient conditions.

“OMG, I’m afraid your body is all 🙄 in response to the antibiotics,” sent one doctor.

While Shulkin’s improvements will greatly help veterans, the New York Times is concerned it is just a distraction from the Russia investigation. Attempts to reach the Times for comment were met with demands we pay for a subscription.


Fun Has No Place In Tillerson State Department

August 8, 2017

State Department Secretary Rex Tillerson announced that as part of budget-cutting, fun stuff will no longer be permitted. For instance, the department will no longer have a standing order Hasbro Leaders-Of-The-World® bobble-head dolls for new employees. Even worse, major cuts are expected at the information and amusement park, State Departmentland.

Visitors negotiating entry will be disappointed by the lack of implementation of the “It’s a Small World” boat ride, Mr. Kerry’s Moderately Tepid Ride and Strategic Patience Mountain, where people wait for hours in cars on a rollercoaster for the ride to start. The animatronic Hall of State Department Persons will be closed, as well as the popular live shows, “State Department Musical” and “Seward’s Follies.” However, Sanctions Cafe and Protocol Island will still be open for the cautiously “adventurous.” And as always, guests can get a U.N. resolution named after a loved one for a nominal fee.

Across Compliance Square where a man dressed in a Hans Blix costume checks visitors’ bags for WMDs, the Henry Kissinger Theater is suspending hourly showings of “State Department of the Future.” The film shot in glorious 2D depicts how advances in jargon and red tape will complicate diplomacy in exciting new ways. It also previews the use of “space shuttle diplomacy.”

Despite these changes, holders of season passes will not be eligible for refunds. The Washington Post says women and minorities will be hurt the most. Women and Minorities Magazine says children and puppies will be hurt more. Tillerson could not be reached for comment as to why he hates children and puppies.

Less Money For Treasury?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin is contemplating similar belt-tightening moves. One possible change is an end to the policy of free banknotes to visitors.

Cuts are further projected in the number of engravers, which will result in bills having fewer serial numbers. The expensive ink used to print them will be replaced by green Sharpies and the portraits of the presidents will be substituted with easier-to-draw stick figures.


Alan – Please add a headline before you publish this; Also, your mom called about your toe fungus

August 7, 2017

Making good on a promise to “lean in” the State Department, Secretary Rex Tillerson is cutting bureaucrats, bureaus and other desks. Agencies closing include the Global Justice Bureau, the Refugee Office, the Flavors of the World Office, the Cyber Office, the War Crimes Office and the Sexy, Sexy Crimes Office headed by Seth MacFarlane.

Estimates are that 2,300 staff, two porn stars and one voiceover artist will be let go. Even the department’s gold-encrusted wine cellar will be sold off, including an 1870 Chateau Margaux John Kerry ordered to celebrate the success of President Obama’s red line in Syria.

The cuts have already had severe consequences, affecting everything from the dinner plans of Soros and the Rothschilds to the price of tuxedos, vark and foie gras. A long-faced minister for Bali said, “How will we manage if U.S. officials no longer come here to meet foreign officials and prostitutes on the beach?”

The cutbacks will also affect small countries like Andorra. There, U.S. consulate dinner parties represent the largest part of the economy, after money laundering.

Worse, State now lacks enough people to defend their softball title at the World Summit of Countries That Begin with the Letter U, held this year at the Uyut hotel in Urgut, Uzbekistan. Even the department mascot, Statey The Owl, will not be flown over to tweet them on.

The spokesman at the State Department could not be reached for comment as she had just been let go. However, a security guard there said, “Please move along.”


Couple Thinks “The Onion” Still Funny

August 6, 2017

“The Onion” gained fame as a hilarious send-up of politics and culture in the ’90s. Then, as a kind of funny send-up in the last eight years. Now it’s not sending up much at all, says family excited to see son making new friends.

“We lost our way,” admitted Chief Editor Cole Bolton to Chief Running Wild of the “Navajo Journal of Reproduction” during a urologist visit. “The Top 3 Things We Did Wrong is sell lame Cafe Press merchandise, run poorly drawn ‘cartoons’ and publish lists like any clickbait site. Wait…”

Problems extend to content. Articles drown in runs on sentences crammed into dense unjustified blocks of text and the runs never stop even though you think they must, but they continue without end like an unending thing you wish would.

Recent pieces also reflect writers’ personal issues. “Trump Returns India PM’s Hug” turned out to really be about an Onion staffer longing for his father’s approval. Then a too-real article last June about a pro-wrestler being murdered proved for readers to be the final straw in the camel’s back.

“The backstraw surprised us. I mean if we can’t make fun of murder, what’s left? Will they take rape from us too? Rape is pretty darned funny when you think about it,” said Senior Writer Dan McGraw shortly before he was fired and Antifa burned down his office.

“Our writers weren’t feeling it; it’s stale,” mused Bolton. “You can only do so many ‘dorky white people’ stories. So, some writers left to Germany – Their Muslim refugees are laugh-a-minute. Then I realized, ‘Hey! No one covers the news seriously. Maybe we do that.’ So we do. I’m bored already. But happy… and bored.”

The publication started in 1988 as “The Onion” when a copyright dispute made them drop their first title – “The Wisconsin News Parody Using Words.” It became a staple for those who had not yet switched to watching pet videos on YouTube or rival comedy news providers “The Daily Show” and “CNN.” A survey found a big complaint of disenchanted fans was “too many prepositions.” “Not enough explosions in videos” was another reason cited by local man realizing the horseless carriage is here to stay.

Tough times led the company to reduce salaries, cut the use of bold fonts and let go of three fake man-on-the-street interviewees. The turning point came when Bolton discovered that “Mad Magazine” had more subscribers. Now The Onion has its own White House reporter, who uses a duck call to get Sarah Huckabee Sanders to call on her.

BRISTOL VOICES

The Onion has decided to switch to actually reporting the news. What do you think?

“They weren’t already doing that? My God, and I listened to them when I voted last year.”
Joe Hammill – Laser Paper Delivery Guy

“It sounds good, but I wouldn’t know. I get my news from Instagram.”
Barbie Poledancer – Staffer for Sen. Blumenthal

“It’s sad. I like to get fake news from more than one source.”
Joel Weinstein – Systems Analyst


City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinances Book a Huge Success!

August 4, 2017

We previously reported on the publication of the City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinance. The first printing sold all five copies within a month. After this success, a wider release was ordered by Simon & Schuster. The second edition includes bonus pull-out posters of councilmen in suggestive poses.

The book features illustrations by Nick Park. His characters Wallace and Grommit are depicted negotiating various ordinances, like coming up with the $250 city fee to operate a lemonade stand unless said lemonade originates from a Bristol farm or a veteran. In another example, Grommit fails to produce a rabies certificate for his dog license and is chased by Bristol Animal Control. Hilarity ensues until the final panel, which is quite sad.

Pre-sales have the mostly nonfiction book at #25,012 on Amazon and a New York Times Bestseller. “A municipal retelling of its own narrative,” beamed Times reviewer Harriet Lane. “The Council outdid itself in this year’s crop of ordinances (a more well-considered output than this year’s yawner, ‘Terryville’s Big Book of Ordinances’). The reader is feverishly charmed by the frothy pomo Sec. 5-21.1 and the heady Sec. 3.2. of Appendix D.”

Online customer reviews found the book made for easy summer reading on the beach and an attractive way to smoosh ants. Another called it, “the Harry Potter entry in the wizarding world of bureaucracy.” The book has even spawned fan nonfiction on WordPress.

Councilmen Mary Fortier and Anthony D’Amato will embark on a promotional tour this month, appearing at Barnes & Nobles in Waterbury, West Hartford and Farmington and at Sal’s XXX Book Nook in Southington. They will also give an interview on CT-N, the Connecticut government access network, with Production Technician 1 Sarah Schulz. CNN was on the itinerary until they realized that no one watches that channel.

Title: The Wonderful City of Bristol Presents: The Charter and Code of Ordinances
Authors: Various
Paperback: 550 and a half pages
Language: Mostly English
Year: 2017
Price: $50.00 Paperback; $10.00 Kindle

Bristol Prime members get 20% off the book. Members also get discounts on city services, including same-day delivery of water bills and courtesy hat-tipping by police